8. Hostess with the Mostess

0:06

[Intro Music]

Let's talk about it.

0:23

James: Hello, and welcome back to thick, radio the podcast where we talk about gaining and everything in its orbit. I'm James 

Tim: And, I'm Tim. So, let's get into this. Today we're joined by a special guest, you know them, you love them, we have another Drew.

James: Yay! Hello, other Drew, how you doing hun?

0:41

Drew: I'm doing great. Thanks for having me.

James: Thank you for being here. Now Timbo, what are we talking about today, babe?

Tim: Today, we're talking about hosting Gainer events.

James: Yes. So Drew darling...

0:58

James:...you are a renowned Hostess. You are the hostess with the mostess. In fact, I think that's going to be the name of this goddamn episode hostess with the mostess god damn it. So to kick things off by babe, how long have you been hosting events?

Drew: (Southern Accent) What? Little ol’ me?

1:17

Drew: Yes, I love hosting community events. I think taking this kink offline for me was a huge personal development and I think it, I recommend it to everyone.

1:34

Drew: I got started hosting events by going to events. I went to a few national events and loved it. And then started hosting my own here in Indianapolis.I started hosting them back in twenty fourteen or fifteen and yeah I have absolutely loved it.

1:58

Drew: Not only is it like a chance for me to bring my gay friends together, but also bring together all of my gay friends that are like cool with gaining. So I always like invite them and then love having other people over as well.

2:19

James:: So like, what are some of the important lessons you've learned to ensure strong, attendance and respect between attendees in a public forum?

Drew: Oh, that this is that I'm just gonna be honest and vain here how I have garnered attention and attendance at my events is by having really beautiful people come.

2:48

[Drew Laughs]

Tim: At least you’re honest.

Drew: Let's be honest. I am so fortunate enough to have in my life a few very large and very beautiful men and I think that definitely brings people out of the woodwork and I definitely rely on them, to, you know, bring a little Gaggle with them and I don't know that, you know, it's like if you were organizing like, I don't know, Christmas party or whatever or dinner party, it's good to think about, you know, the vibe, what's the energy of the event?

3:30

Drew: And I definitely like to make sure there's a good little plethora of shapes and sizes and different people 

James: What I'm hearing there, aside from the aesthetic is you still said that there's that element of planning and you keep some variety there.

3:48

James: And you kind of leave enough to go around, where people can kind of make their own informed decisions when present. So there are enough super chubs there that the people inclined to do so can engage with. There are enough encouragers and slimmers there…

4:03

James:...so that the people who are inclined to such can go and interact and there's sort of opportunities for people to just sort of commingle and interact right?

Drew: Absolutely.

You don't want a party of all encouragers. You don't want a party of all chubs, you know I'm saying? It's good to have a little sprinkle of both. 

James: So maybe maybe the point there is less about like the aesthetic and more intentional diversity and ensuring that all types are represented and people can kind of meet and mingle around that.

4:34

James: I imagine somewhere like the Midwest. It's a bit difficult because there's probably this cultural expectation of being more subdued and considering what is known about your events…

Drew: They're not subdued.

4:51

James: They are not subdued in the slightest. I would encourage people to check out. You've probably got them saved on your IGT. The video is from the last, I think you call it Ho-Con is that right?

Drew: (Fake Stammering) W-what? Me? Ho-Con?

5:08

Drew: Yes, I I didn't know what to call the event. And so while everyone was here at my house, we came up with the name, it was either Ho-Con or Hog-Con, and we a bunch of ho’s.

James: And the name kind of stuck.

5:31

Drew: Yeah, but I guess the kind of impetus behind everything is; there's definitely a core group of like my Friends that I've developed over the years that we were just like hanging out.

5:46

Drew: And then like I don't know if that was just kind of like a natural thing and then once I started hosting events, I was like, okay y'all are coming. And then once the kind of, you know, core group was established, more people have come.

6:04

Drew: There's kind of people that come to maybe every other one. There's like, a whole little, like… I don't know, a rolling stone grows moss, the more you put into this community over time, you will reap those rewards.

James:  That makes sense and it sounds like you've had a lot of opportunities to do that.

6:25

Tim: I have only attended one Grom-off and to be completely honest it wasn’t the most amazing experience I think because I had built up a lot of expectations in my head about what Grom-off was going to be. Now, this was held at someone's private home and he and his partner offered to cook brunch which had, you know, everything that she could have asked for: pancakes, waffles, sticky buns, bacon, sausage...

6:51

Tim:...I mean, anything you can think of, for brunch, they made it. And, this was back before I was significant…In fact, I think it was before I had declared myself a gainer. Honestly, back when I was still pretty much considering myself an encourager. So I didn't really have the stimulus to eat as much as everyone else did.

7:09

Tim: And what I kind of I guess thought was going to turn into sort of like fat orgy just ended up being playing a bunch of tabletop games for a whole afternoon. And, I mean it was my own fault for thinking more was going to happen because they never made that…

7:25

Tim:...You know the explicit intention that more was going to happen. So I kind of ended up thinking like, well I could have done this with a group of my friends.

Drew:  That's such a good (trips up on words a bit) whenever I go to a Gainer event that it is such a good idea to go in with no expectations. Because yes, then anything that does happen is like positive and good.

7:50

Drew: I think there's also a difference between Grom offs and then go into like those bigger National events with like 100-150 people.

Tim: Yeah. I have never been to The Grom, and I've never been to Belly Rub Weekend, mostly because the price of the ticket was just…too high.

Drew: Oh for sure.

8:08

Tim: It's more expensive than the leather event that I go to every year so…

Drew: (Laughs) Yeah.

James: Well I mean they got I think that's actually a really good point to come to you. No doubt. The first event anyone goes to is always world changing. I mean, you think about it like the first time you go to like a gay night…

8:29

James:...It's a lot. Because it's the first time you're really out about with your people and the same thing with like a bear night. So it stands to reason that gaining being something so many of us identify with, at such a core level. It makes sense that we would be so affected to go and to be present and to meet people and just go, “Oh my gosh!” but I wondered to myself so many of us have that lowkey expectation of some kind of quote, unquote sex.

8:59

James: I wonder where that comes from.

Tim: Because we're gay. Because I know that might be a blanket statement, and I'm sure there are plenty, people were going to be like, no, that's not true, but in my experience…

Drew: No, it’s true.

Tim: It's because we are gay men for the most part.

9:16

Tim: And yes, there's plenty of other sexualities thrown in. There's plenty of people who are asexual plenty of people who are demi sexual, but you put enough men in a room that are all gay and one of them is going to expect something.

[Drew Laughs]

Tim: It's just unfortunate, this is the way the cookie crumbles.

9:35

Drew: And especially like, when you're thinking about like the fantasy of the Grom-Off, it's not going to be a Roman Bacchanalia at all times. Personally, I like to structure my events restaurant bar and then break out for after parties. Because it gives a lot of people to jump on the train or jump off the train at any point.

9:55

Drew: It's all public so it's not…I don't know, there's a certain decorum you're going to hold at the restaurant versus somebody’s house. And I like the after parties, because I kind of, like encourages like from those events just like, natural, like, meetups and stuff, so that's definitely the vibe.

10:12

James: Yeah, I mean, I've certainly found that the first one I went to was like a mini golf thing and I was young, I knew that no gainer  sexy stuff was happening there. I thought maybe it was happening afterwards, but I know that in my mind, the expectation I built up was based on what people had said to me. Based on what we normally do is XYZ.

10:32

James: So I think because I had that idea in my mind, obviously, to find out that it wasn't that was a bit like, “Oh, that's unfortunate.” but also still nice anyways. I think you hit a really important point which is to not going with any expectations because you could really wind up…

Tim: Disappointed. 

[Tim Laughs] 

James: Like this Gaining Community has so much to offer you but we're also not offering like Oprah style gift bags where everyone walks away with a car and a hundred thousand dollars like I think I said this on a livestream, not too long ago, when I started hosting events…

11:04

James:…the first one that I threw, someone had messaged me and said, “Oh, will you pay for me to fly down to be there?” and I laughed and went “You’re being really funny.” and their response was they genuinely felt that I would do that to which my response had to be...

11:24

James:...”No, because it's just…

Drew: Who even are you like? No, I’m not going to give you all of my money 

Tim: Well, and how presumptuous.

James: Well, what I said to them was “It is a community event which means there's no money.”

11:41

James: It's literally just I made a table booking for 16 people at a pub And if you want to be there, show up, that's the thing. I made a pub booking. I just happen to tack on like a free wander around a museum beforehand.

11:59

James: And when I did Christmas, we didn't wander around some Christmas markets, it's not that hard, there's free shit and then there's shit where you buy booze. But it just kind of blew my mind that people; anyone would have this idea in their mind, first of all, their own self-importance.

12:16

James: But also just such an unawareness of what this is and how this works.

Drew: Right.

James: So I think there’s  more to the lack of awareness than maybe we give credit for.

Drew: Like all things Kink, communication is key.

12:35

Drew: So if you have questions, reach out to the event organizer and ask questions, ask people that have gone to those events previously. Like I don't know. Do your research and, I don't know, I think that like, a lot of people overthink it at the end of the day like it's just a couple of guys hanging out.

13:00

Drew:  It's nothing like crazy. But like what you were saying earlier being in the majority of not just like other gay people but other gainers and encouragers, when you are just the majority that there's just freedom, a conversation that happens.

13:19

Drew: Like it's like I don't know. You're with your people. That part is the kind of mental, emotional, psychological shift for that.

Tim: And, I should mention that when I went to my Grom-Off like, it was, it was good to actually be with other gainers and speak about everything openly.

13:39

Drew: Yeah. 

Tim: You know, because you don't really realize how liberating it is until you do it.

James: I mean, even something as simple as this podcast girl, you know, the entire premise of this is its people in our community sitting around and talking about it. And if you are so fearful  of it…

14:02

James:...that you cannot go to it. You cannot talk about it. How can you ever live it authentically? Like it would drive you mad. It's okay if being social with other gainers, it's not your thing. It's okay if you don't want to do that. But also appreciate the knowledge that you are missing out on something that is very unique.

14:24

Drew: For sure.

James: A lot of people who do different reality competition shows that are very popular, right? Will say things like, you know, “Only the people in this cast can understand what we've gone through.” and it's very true girl. The only people in this world who will understand your journey as a Gainer person, or an encourager or whoever, are the people in this community.

14:48

James: So if you want to connect and you want to be heard and understood, take the time. Get to know people. Develop friendships. So, you're known to encourage Grom-Off after parties. How important is it for members of the community to develop these kinds of social relationships with each other?

15:09

Drew: Crucial. So like I said, I typically like to do things like public spaces so that people feel like there's like a measure of like safety cuz like, I don't know, it's just a restaurant. It's just a gay bar. But, I also think a lot of the fun in this community can happen behind closed doors and I when I purchased a house, we wanted it to be a space where people like could come and hang out and I think that that is what is like really the success of my events because then it allows people to play in the Kink a little bit more or to maybe if it's like the first time you wanted to try XYZ.

15:56

Drew: Well that's you know, could be arranged.

James: I mean, Tim, you've said to me, you considered hosting an event at some point in Cleveland.

Tim: Possibly

James: Well, you say, possibly like, what's the thing that prevents that from being a definite.

16:12

Tim: Well I, you know, I probably am not taking enough chances here but it's like I think my history with the Cleveland Grommr scene hasn't been very productive, you know. Like I put it out there sometimes, you know like do you want to meet up?

16:31

Tim: Does anyone want to go for a cup of coffee? Whatever, and zero responses. In fact, I just posted on Grommr that I'm going to be at the leather bar this Saturday and I said, if any gainers and encouragers want to come and meet up feel free. Now no one has responded, but that doesn't mean that I won't get maybe one or two, maybe if I’m lucky. Cleveland just seems to be one of those cities where people just are totally insulated, you know, they don't, they don't really meet up.

16:58

Tim: I don't know why. So I will work as you challenged me to change that. I just don't know how diligently I'm going to work on it.

Drew:  Well, I think the other thing that I do with After parties is just like the people that come, you know, you want a good variety.

17:18

Drew: I also have more Kink centered nights and then the majority of the time when people come over, it's just day drinking at the pool. Like, I'll get up. I’ll cook breakfast for everybody. So we'll have like, brunch will like hang out at the pool, drink, smoke, order pizza, you know, whatever it's just more like hanging out, and then, you know, a couple times throughout the year, we'll all get together and like, I don't know, a little bit more fun.

17:46

Drew: But yeah.

Tim: So I'll have to buy a pool.

[Tim and Drew Laugh]

James: Well, I think much like anything that comes back as a result of work. Like you say, it's a question of like how much work you're willing to put in. And I'd also say this both to people who are looking to put on events and go to events. 

18:06

James: Recently, there's been a few conversations, I think around, you know, like what would encourage you to go to more local events. And some of the feedback was,”Oh, I think more things that are online.

More things are like Zoom calls and things like that.” And I think my honest response, that is like all you do that,  set up a zoom call then, like you can do that.

18:27

James: And when you get a bit of pushback on, “Oh, I don't want to be responsible for setting up a zoom call.” It's like, well, if you're not prepared to generate a link for free from not even the comfort of your laptop from the comfort of your phone, the app is free to download girl.

18:43

James: It is free to set up an account like it kind of begs the question, is it really about you, wanting specifically more online things? Or are you just not prepared to be social?

Drew: 100%, people complain all the time that like no one lives near me, there's no scene near me.

19:00

Drew: Well girl, let me tell you when I was 20, there was not a scene in Indianapolis there was nothing exactly. Like if I promise you, if you start being the change, you want to see in the world like people will gravitate to you.

19:19

Drew: Like you will start building that scene in your area.

James: I mean, even like I say this how often to how often this podcast, I did not like that there was not enough platonic investigative conversational deep and thoughtful Gainer content out there.

19:38

James: And instead of going, “oh, I guess I'll just wait for it to never appear.”, I just fucked up and fucking did it. And now look at us girl!

Drew: And if I can shout you guys out just a little bit. The, my favorite thing about this podcast is the kind of this like storytelling element you…

19:55

Drew:...you let people kind of like, share themselves here. Getting to hear stories, like Alex or Berto or Jeremy? Like, I don't know, you just you guys offer an amazing platform.

Tim: You know, I one of my favorite quotes and it's very simple comes from Neil Gaiman and he said we owe it to each other to tell stories, 

Drew: Right!

20:18

Drew: If I would have had something like this, growing up my adolescent years, it, I like, I don't know. It was so online for so often there's like a dehumanizing element. My favorite thing about this podcast is it's like it's so human, you know I'm saying.

20:35

Drew: Like so, I love that 

James: Something, as simple as you know, someone questioned “Oh when you introduce your guests you tend to use their regular name. I can't search for them that way.” And then I'll say, “Well, their name is actually either in the description with user and it's at the end of the podcast too.”

20:53

James: “But why do you use their regular name?” Because they're a real person. I'm not looking to sit down with the infamous, Best Little Whorehouse in Indy. I actually want to hear from Drew. I actually want to hear Drew's story, Drew's experience and that is the same of all of our guests.

21:11

James: Now don't get me wrong as you know, because we ask the question, we will always check with you what you want us to call you because if you don't want to share your name we won't show your name. We will share your username or another moniker that you want to go by. But every element of this is built around…

21:27

James:…respecting your story and putting forward your humanity plain and simple. 

Drew: Again, my favorite phrase, communication. You communicate with people beforehand. This goes to not only hosting events but just gaining and encouraging in general.

21:43

Drew: I promise you the quality of your experiences will go up, you know, exponentially.

If you thoroughly communicate what you want and don't want ahead of time.

That is like Kink 101.

James: Oh I totally agree.

22:00

James: Even if it's an apprehension of yours. “I don't want to go there. I'm worried that they're going to have sex in front of me.” First of all, if you’d messaged me that I could have told you that will be no sex and if there is they'll get fucking throw it out because it's a pub at 4:00 in the afternoon. I'm too busy having a shandy pint.

22:17

James: I'm not in the mood for a bit of cock. I need a drink. Cock can come after if at all, you know, it's not. It's not happening for me, right here, right now.

Tim: But it's kind of funny that, you know, I think that if people get, you know because like, there's sex, there's full on penetrative sex that plenty of people have. 

22:38

Tim: But then, when I think about all of the Gainer quote-unquote sex I've had it's not actually much of anything except for body worship in a lot of belly play. I don't, I think maybe twice it amounted to a little bit of a whirl, but that was it.

James: You know, I've had some of the most…

Drew: Because, if you've done your job, right, they can't move. So who wants to have sex at that point?

22:58

James: The most pleasurable experiences I've ever had and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Did not involve me or the other person cuming, I might have been hard, but I didn't cum. And when I came after that experience, it may not have even been in conjunction to that.

23:17

James: I was pleasured by the body worship, the feeding, the process, the fantasy, and the complete, and utter fulfillment of something that is core and quintessential to me, which is the gaining experience.

Y’all can't see this, Drew has his hands to his mouth like I'm going to fuck up this fat little ginger bitch, when he comes to visit.

[James Laughs]

23:37

Tim: I was just going to say one other thing about the sex before we move on because a memory just dawned on me. So like one of the best and most intense nights I ever had…And, I swear to God, I had a dry orgasm. I met up with a guy, he started eating a sheet cake because he brought it over because that's what he wanted to do.

23:55

Tim: And he wanted me to just play with his belly while he was doing that like getting all up in there. My face, my tongue, kissing it, licking and all that stuff. I did take a few hits of poppers here and there just because I wanted to have some extra element and I swear to God…

Drew: ‘Cause who doesn’t love a hit of poppers? 

Tim:...by the third or fourth time. I hit that popper bottle.

24:13

Tim: And then I dug my face back into his gut. I fucking had an orgasm and I've never had a dry orgasm.

So that was, that was definitely, I need to do that again.

James: That was special.

Tim: Yes, Tim yes, I love everything about that.

24:32

Drew: And like, I, to jump on that train. I totally agree. Some of the best experiences of my life have been in some of the best gaining, encouraging experiences in my life, have been platonic. Like it hasn't been, you know.

James: And also let's be frank here.

24:51

James: Most homosexual sex experiences are one-off and usually because you didn't have a conversation beforehand, you didn't know if you had a rapport, you're just relying on looks alone, you walked into that social experience. There was a mishmash usually the sex is not that fulfilling and then you walk away.

25:09

James: Never going to talk to them again. You can't afford to do that in this community. First and foremostly because there is not the bodies around to be fucking around the people. If you come incorrect with someone, everyone else will find out about it and about you girl.

25:25

James: But second of all, there's no growth there literally and figuratively.

There's no return on investment. Whereas if you make your intention to make friends, who knows what kind of engagement you're going to have there are gainer friends here in London that I have. Whom I have done specifically gainer things, but there are gainer friends here in London who I have done gainer things with and sex things with. There are gainer friends here in London with whom I have done neither of those things but we've just hung out and we had a good laugh.

25:55

James: Anyways, all of it is valid but every layer built on top of the last so the people with whom I have that most intimate gainer connection. We went through the ringer together before we worked out that we were compatible up at that level.

26:13

James: And that is how I've ensured that I don't lose that friend because this community is too small to be fucking around.

Drew: Yes, my opinion of the community increased so much when I wasn't solely looking for a gaining/encouraging experience.

26:33

Drew: When I started using my social media apps for genuinely looking for friends. That's when, you know people wanted to start hanging out with me when I wasn't leaving with my, you know, dick in my hand, texting them, or whatever.

James: To bring it back to events, you know.

26:58

James: It kind of sounds to me like because this is the thing, right? Like maybe it sounds a bit like, oh, that was a bit of a tangent to talk about those experiences but also, none of that goes anywhere without gaining meetups in the first place. Because, whether you're talking about, The Grom, EuroGrom, Grom of the Seas, whether you're talking about your local Grom-Off or you're talking about a dude who comes over to Fiji, all of that is about meeting people and the question comes in, how do you host that person and how do you act as a good guest?

27:30

James: And I think, from what we're hearing from all of these conversations, it's about consent, it's about communication. It's also about a lack of expectation. And it's about going in with a positive mental attitude, just seeing what happens and being comfortable with the chips falling where they may.

27:52

James: By which, I mean chips, I want them to fall into my mouth completely just to me.

Drew: And I don't know how many like event organizers. Listen to this, but like thinking and like, intentionally creating I hate this terminology but like safe space.

28:10

Drew: You have to be the person that does that. You have to be the Catalyst for conversation. You have to know how to bring people into the group. Like that is a huge part. And if it is your first time at an event, I love it when people communicate that to me because I promise you, you will enjoy yourself.

28:30

Drew: Like, I will make it my, like, point to do that or communicate to me like, you know, what you're into. I have friends here. So, like, you're into the smaller guys, I know, a couple people. If you're in the big guys, I know a couple people.

28:46

Drew: So I'll get you guys talking ahead of time so that like you know, like me and somebody else.

Like think about those things when you're creating these events. 

James: 100%. If you have never been to the event before, put it up on the group page and just say, hey guys, this is my first time going.

29:02

James: Anyone else who's a newbie, you know, you want to meet up for a drink beforehand, just like break the ice and then we can have like, a friend as we go in together, but also talk to me. Because if we get to talking and you're like, da-da-da-da-da “Oh, I really love manga. I really love anime.” I know a whole bunch of anime nerds girl.

29:19

James: Like I will say, “Oh, you need to talk to so and so.”,  because they love this shit. They love this, they love that, get the conversation going. Also this I'm going to put out there to any event organizers and hosts. By virtue of you being in the position that you are.

29:35

James:...yes, you're going to have your little group of friends who you are closer to than everyone else.

And as a person who is also attending that event, it is your right to enjoy time with your friends but you are also host. So please don't isolate yourself away with your friends…

29:51

James:…once the event gets started, don't leave that shit to run itself you have to actually host by which I mean the last one I did was a Christmas one. People were spread across seven different tables, girl, I sat at one table for 30 minutes. That was my treat…

Drew: Gay men use cliques as a defense mechanism. You have to be the person that is like, yeah.

30:13

Drew: But like you're saying, like, hopping into different groups.

James: And something as simple as you know, I can see a clique  is over at one table, one of them's got off to go pee, I'll go over and sit on that seat. And then if there's someone else looking around a little bit, awkward, I'll just wave them over like come on. That's also a really good piece of advice.

30:31

James: If you are at The Gainer event and you see someone standing around looking a bit uncomfortable because they're by themselves. Please do the adult thing and make the first move if you see them looking a bit uncomfortable, make eye contact with them, smile, wave at them, and make sure that they are definitely looking at you, and then just beckon them over like, yeah, yeah, yeah… 

30:55

James:...come over, come over and just, and just introduce yourself and say, “Look, Hi. I'm sorry, I just saw you standing by yourself. Come over, come, hang with us, come chat with us. I'm so and so, what was your name? Cool, cool cool well so and so, this is Jenny, Lenny, this is Carl, Tina…

31:10

James:…Sophie, and Lou, you know. Like just make the effort, don't leave a bitch hanging. You know what it was like at your first goddamn event. You knew you were a nervous wreck, cut a bitch some slack. be the welcoming invitee that you would have loved to have the first one you went to.

31:26

Drew: 100% how impactful would that have been at your first event? Somebody, like, brought you into the like conversation, like those kind of things, like are huge. My first big event was Expansion back from when that was held…

31:45

Drew: It's kind of like transformed into The Grom. But the people that I still stay in contact to from that event, were the ones that were like just kind. Those are the ones that like I've developed…

32:02

Drew: Like, I don't know, I don't want to date myself and say how many years but like we've talked for years at this point. And, the people that want to be cliquey and snobbish and stand by themselves, you're more than welcome to come to the event but, I don't know, do better.

32:20

James: Let's talk on that for us for a second here because I'll say this, it seems sometimes certain community members won't make an appearance at an event, unless they can see that a Grommrlebity is attending.

32:37

Drew: (Sassy) Girl. 

James: Now I say this from personal experience because there are some who I don't know if they self-identify with that. But you probably tribute that label to them who are based here in London and I have had people ask me. “Will, so and so be there?” And you can kind of tell by the way, they're having a conversation with you that they want to know…

32:59

James:…that their superstar, idol, icon is going to be there. It's not about mitigating drama. It's to ensure that the fat boy is there so that they can appropriately coat them in drool. What's with that?

[James and Drew Laugh]

33:18

James: I don't know. I don't even know what to ask with it. I just, what is up with that?

Drew: Okay, I'm going to take that question and twist it a little bit, there are members of the community and I don't know. My mom always used to say, like, I have to love you…

33:36

Drew:…but I don't have to like you all the time and that's kind of how I feel about some of the members of the community. Like if you're coming to a Grom-Off, again, that's a public space. That is not my home.

I host public events for a reason. I'm not giving my address to anyone.

33:53

Drew: So, like, if you are coming to that space for like, I don't know, to find friends, like, hang out like, it's a good vibe. You're more than welcome to come over, but like, if you're gonna be, I don't know, It's small community…

34:09

Drew:…it's really easy to be labeled as like, who the handsy one or like the the, I'm not just be respectful, be like a normal human.

Tim: Well, James, and I have talked many times about how people seem to lack basic intercommunication skills, you know, like, we know these people who just seem to have trouble talking to another human being.

34:35

Tim: I think sometimes that when it comes to the whole, they don't want to go unless a Grommrlebrity is going to be there. Remember that, gaining is kind of a fetish about extremes and the most popular and well-known gainers are on the extreme end of the weight scale. I feel like people think that they need to see those people to really feel like something is happening like their fetishes being fulfilled.

35:02

Tim: Whereas someone like me was on the smaller end of things that could be like “Oh well he's just not big enough.”

James: At the very least, if your intention in going to a Grom-Off is sex. At least that's going with the mindset of like "Oh I'm going to have sex with someone there who will share my proclivities.”

35:18

James: Even if it's wrong, at least it's based in the open possibility. But I wonder to myself when it's based in a specific person. What is that? What is that, that tells you this one particular person will make all the difference?

35:34

James: Because if it's someone that, you know, that your friend, you talk to your friend. But if you're going to ask that question, that tells me you don't know them. It tells me that you've probably never even messaged them. So in all honesty when people have better to me that in the past for these events I've actually replied with, you should message them and find out. Because I don't plan on managing expectations for anyone and all their feelings but also I'm just the dude he made a booking.

36:00

James: I'm the host, I'm not your counselor. I'm your host, I'm not your travel organizer. I'm not your cruise director. I'm not your…I'm not gonna hold your hair while you puke up into the bathroom. Girl, I'm just the dude who threw the party.

36:16

James: If you want to talk to me about thoughts, feelings, and concerns, talk to me about things that actually affect the event, like location, accessibility, talk to me about the quality of the men. You talk to me about the things that are relevant to me in this role in this moment.

36:32

Drew: Yeah. 100%. If you want to come to a Grom-Off and you know have sex or do Gainer things…I don't know, communicate with a person that you want to do that. Organize that ahead of time and make that your after party. When I am hosting an after party at my house just like I wanted to create like a public safe space…

36:51

Drew: I want to create like an open safe kink space at my house too. So like I am going to let everyone know who's like coming over so that we're all on the same page of like, I know what we came here to do.

So it really just comes back…

37:07

Drew:…Again, communication like if you want anything more than a hangout because that's honestly, especially Grom-Offs. Not so much the other events but like, Grom-Offs are pretty much just guys hanging out, you know? I mean, if you want to do more later than well, slide into my DM’s.

37:26

Drew: So like you know, I'm saying like

James: But also that's it, you know, it's like think, about it logically like I'm not organizing a sex event.

If sex is that is on you. You create that yourself if you want to come to this gainer event and generate sex that's on you to generate sex with someone be appealing and make the sex happen.

37:50

Drew: It's not like speed dating or like a cattle call. Like all these boys are just waiting for you to deign to talk to them. I don't know if you want sex, make sex happen. I don't I'm not here to teach you how to do that.

James: Yeah exactly. If at this point you need me to teach you how to use the bathroom, do the sex…

38:07

James:…it's like you shouldn't be here, you should be back in school girl,  like I'm not I'm not your mother, we're not doing that. So I want to ask what do listeners need to be aware of with new events as lockdowns worldwide begin to ease?

Drew: Oh um that's actually really interesting.

38:25

Drew: I have not hosted a public Grom-Off since COVID has been a thing so that I could make sure everyone was vaccinated. That was kind of where I was at so I like have like a million things on my to-do list so probably not going to host a Grom-Off for the foreseeable future…

38:45

Drew:…but summer 2022 is when I think we're going to bring those back online.

James: Okay, fair enough. I think from my end of things it's just being aware of guidance and making sure that attendees know that there's no pressure to attend, that if they don't feel comfortable, just don't go. I hit that popper bottle. Very simple stuff.

39:03

James: Always look out for the next one. Do you have any advice for people who will be taking on events around the globe?

Drew: Oh my gosh, just start. If you post pictures of you and a friend hanging out, people want to hang out with like people who look like they're having a good time so like I don't know.

39:25

Drew: It literally can just start with like, you and a friend and then like maybe it'll be three and four and five like that's my advice. Like, go out and start something. And if you're only looking for hookups, please dear god, find a friend that you can talk to not only about gay shit, but about gaining an encouraging, having a sounding board, it's like a neutral…

39:50

Drew:…third party, is so healthy. 

James: 100%, you know, talk to other event organizers. If you do events, then you know that on Grommr there is an event profile just called Grom-Off. Message them.

40:05

James: Ask who the nearest people are. Ask who did them before you. Ask for recommendations. If there is a list of information, they'll provide it for you. So be resourceful and ask the question you know 

Drew: 100% somebody in Cincinnati said that they didn't have an event organizer and I was like well my account is not address restricted if you want to do something like let's plan it.

40:29

Drew: So absolutely. If you have questions, reach out to the event organizer or other event organizers in the area ‘cause they can definitely point you in the right direction 

James: And the Grom-Off profile has said to me, and it says to everyone who becomes an organizer As much as you might be the person held responsible for events in your local area.

40:47

James: Like, you can kind of plan them wherever you want. So if I moved to the US, I'm still listed as an organizer. I can start doing them in the US. That's not a problem. But also if you message the Grom-Off profile and say, “Oh I have an idea for an event.”, they'll say to you. “Hey, there is either A: Someone already in that area, you should work alongside them. Or B: No one's actually in your area doing events, you should take that on.”

41:11

James: So worse comes to worst, you have to pair up with someone who has experience to put it together (Mock Pitty)  how awful. So, we do have a listener question though. Describe for us, your first-ever Gainer event.

41:27

James: What was it like?

Drew: Like Oh my God, (Golden Girls Reference)  Picture it, Sicily. It was Expansion. 2014 in Nashville, Tennessee. I could not afford to go to the event. So, I found a sugar daddy who I have never talked to since who would drive me there and back and give me a hotel.

41:53

Drew: So great, got that, you know, checked off my list. I've got like, the way to get there, the lodging. Really did not have anything against him. He was just very quiet.

42:09

Drew: And so I pretty much just used him as transportation service and crashed in my friends rooms. It was crazy. I met so many people, there was probably 120, maybe a hundred of us. And seeing like I said earlier, the just like being in the majority of that many people, like, around the hotel pool hanging out, people bringing like Krispy Kreme, glazed donuts…

42:39

Drew:…poolside, and, like serving people, people just like ordering pizza and like this, that and the other. My favorite thing about the event is how natural and kind of spontaneous it felt because it was just kind of like hanging out at a hotel pool and then like you and your friends would get hungry.

42:58

Drew: So, hey, we're going to go to this restaurant or like, Couple of us are going to go here and like you basically just get to check out a new city and hang out with a bunch of gainers and encouragers it is magical while there are Bear and Chub events please seek out a gaining encouraging event.

43:15

Drew: I promised you it will change your life.

James: No I like that and then hearing that I think. You can hear how the positivity of that experience has ultimately translated all those years later into creating the kind of events you do now. So as a final question, what do you want to see out of future events?

43:41

Drew: Again, cliques are a gay defense mechanism. You gotta stop doing that. I am good enough friends with kind of the core group of people that I can like, grab somebody and say, like, hey, go like, love up on this guy a little bit kind of like, bring him into the circle.

44:02

Drew: I've got, like, other people that can kind of host for me. So, like, if you want to host events but you're maybe not that social person, find people that are willing to be that catalyst for you because you need people that are going to kind of bring everyone together and like and make sure that like that kind of vibe…

44:24

Drew:…is right. So yeah, I cannot recommend that enough. Don't be cliquey.

James: And Tim, what about you? What do you want to see out of future events?

Tim: Just more of them. And yes, people taking opportunities to like an, (clears throat) excuse me, sorry.

44:43

Tim: Like you challenged me to do one, so I will make it a goal at some point in 2022. I will host an event, but I just want to see more people taking chances and doing them. And I want people to be able to reconnect because I feel like the people who were already sort of inclined…

45:03

Tim:...into being introverted and maybe socially isolating. The two years of COVID has not helped. So I'd like to see people get back out into the world and I kind of wish that we could all stop staring at screens all the freaking time and just start talking to each other.

45:19

Drew: Yes, whatever I was getting out of the community, when I was just online, like, exploded in like richness and color once I started going to events. I have felt that same kind of like exponential explosion once I've been able to kind of host and curate my own events and like the level of like pleasure of gaining encouraging, I feel like has increased the more…

45:50

Drew:…I've been, just made it a part of my everyday life. I live this kink out loud to my friends and my chosen family and I don't know, that's just been kind of like my personal development. As I've done more, like event stuff, more public stuff and found more friends.

46:11

Drew: It's definitely helped my own like personal Journey as well, so. 

James: I think as someone who is hosting events, My hope for them is like you say guys just to see more of them and just to see more people coming out of the wood works for people who it's their first event.

More people making friends, as good as it is online, I can promise you, it will never be as good as what you can have in person.

46:33

James: So if you have the chance to go, you should go. But, that's the end of our episode today, Drew, thank you so much for being here.

Drew: Shucks girls, I had such a good time. 

James: Yay, listen, where can people find you online?

46:50

Drew: I am The Best Little Whorehouse in Indy on Instagram, and then the Philosopher's Stoned on Grommr.

James: Beautiful. Well, that's a wrap for now here on Thicc Radio. Please remember to like and subscribe. Rate us 5 stars and leave a good review. If you like this episode…

47:08

James:…the podcast or just us in general, share it with your friends and encourage them to tune in.

As always, you can find me on Instagram @ s.t.a.n.n.u.m.

Tim: And you can find me on Grommr as Orpheus, you can find me on Instagram, Twitter, Youtube and Tik-Tok at thickey_mouse. So until next time, bye fats!

James: Bye fats!

Drew: Bye fats!

47:29

Let's talk about it.

[Outro Music] 

James: Thicc Radio is a Patreon and Anchor app podcast. Produced by @s.t.a.n.n.u.m and @thickey_mouse.

Tim: Mixed and mastered by @s.t.a.n.n.u.m.

James: Our artwork is provided by @lokitu.

Tim: Our theme song is provided by @bodybycream.

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