Common Beliefs Part II

[00:00:00] This is part two of a two part series on common beliefs that keep us drinking. So if you haven't listened to part one, that's episode 25, go and check that out. You can listen to this one, then go and listen to that one. It's fine either way. But today we're going to go dive into two or three more common beliefs about alcohol and about drinking that keep us drinking.

[00:00:21] So join the conversation and I will give you tips and tricks on how to change that belief within your head. And so let's go right into the show

[00:00:30] Hey, friends, welcome back to part two, where we look at common beliefs that keep us drinking. Common beliefs about alcohol, common beliefs about drinking, common beliefs about ourselves that keep us in the pattern of over drinking. So we'll look at that today, but it's really interesting while I was preparing for this episode.

[00:01:10] I went to a dinner with some girlfriends the other night, it was a pop up dinner for women that I didn't know anyone, but the woman who invited me, and it was about 40 other women, and it was all about this middle third, as they're calling it, so women in their 40s to 60s, and really talking about how we can link arms and do amazing things, and as a middle third of our lives, and how we can really stand on each other's shoulders and support each other.

[00:01:38] And really even about the discussion around perimenopause and menopause. And so it was very interesting, lovely evening. And one thing is that they had a cocktail hour before the dinner, and then during the dinner, they served wine. And I didn't want a cocktail, so I didn't have a cocktail. But when the wine was being served, I didn't really feel like drinking.

[00:01:58] But what I noticed I did is I drank about three quarters of a glass of white wine, and I was thinking about it, preparing for this episode, and the belief that I had around it, because it was this reaction like, I spent so many years not drinking and it's not a big deal. I can drink like a half a glass of white wine and it can be totally fine.

[00:02:20] It felt kind of like more of this rebellious act to my past self who was so limiting, who limited what she could do. That I was kind of sticking my tongue at her saying, well, now I can do this. So I'm going to just because I can. And so I was really looking at where that belief was coming from and the belief was I can do this just because I can.

[00:02:44] And what's interesting about when I'm looking at that and I use what I talked about last week, which was the four questions that This woman named Byron Katie created, it's called Self Inquiry by Byron Katie, and it's these four questions that we can ask ourselves in order to reduce suffering, this individual suffering that we cause by our own thoughts and beliefs.

[00:03:06] The four questions is number one, is it true? Number two, can you absolutely know it's true? Number three, how do you react? What happens when you believe that thought? And number four is, who would you be without that thought? Then the last part is what's called turnaround, which I'll explain in a second if you haven't listened to the other episode.

[00:03:23] So, when I'm looking at the belief that I can drink just because I can now, which is the only reason why I got a glass of wine at this dinner party, the belief is, is that is it true? Well, yeah, of course it's true. So, the second question is, can you absolutely know it's true? Well, it actually is true. But it's not true in all circumstances that just because I can do something, I do it.

[00:03:49] So that was the big realization, is, Camille, just because you can eat a whole pie, you don't eat a whole pot. Just because you can drink a whole bottle of wine, you don't ever drink a whole bottle of wine. Just because I can go into work late, cause it doesn't really matter, doesn't mean that I go into work late.

[00:04:05] So even though it is true that just because I can do it, I can, I don't do that all the time. I was like checking myself saying, well, you don't do this in other scenarios. So why are you doing it in this one? And actually I felt horrible the next day after drinking three quarters of a glass of wine. With food, and I know it was because I didn't really want to.

[00:04:27] And so when I don't really want to have a dream, then I always feel like crap the next day when I go in and it's because it's something that I want to do. And I am really conscious about it. Then I feel fine the next day. It's very interesting how those two things are related. So question number three is, how do I react and what happens when I believe the thought that I can drink just because I can, right?

[00:04:49] I can have a glass of wine just because I can. Well, to me, the way that it feels and the way that I think about that is that just because I can doesn't mean that I want to, and actually having a little bit more of boundaries around it feels a little safer to me. But having it really open willy nilly, like, just because you can do it, just go ahead and do it.

[00:05:09] And it also makes me feel like that I'm not living my life intentionally. I'm just going on a whim instead of really intentionally living my life and wanting to show up in circumstances certain ways because of how it's going to make me feel and the ripple effect that might have on others. And then question number four is, and who would I be without this thought?

[00:05:28] Well, I would feel definitely less naughty. Like I needed to do something to like, stick my tongue out at my past self. Like that's just a strange thing. Like there's no need to respond to my past self that way. You know, I should be like giving her a high five. You know, you're awesome. Instead of feeling like I need to be rebellious.

[00:05:47] And then the next step of the work is this thing called the turnaround. So it's basically creating the thought, but switching it around the opposite of the thought. So instead of, I can drink just because I can, the opposite thought for me would be, I intentionally drink only when I know it's right for me in that moment.

[00:06:06] All right. So that's all about me. And let's go ahead and get into the show. And we are going to look at the first common belief that keeps us drinking is that alcohol helps me have more fun and be more fun. And so with this one, I want to talk a little bit about brain chemistry. And to simplify things, as always, alcohol triggers the reward center of the brain to release these feel good hormones, dopamine, serotonin, and other things.

[00:06:31] And it gives us this little zap of feel good energy. And the more we drink, and the longer we drink, the more feel good hormones our body makes until at one point we need more to get that zing, and then we build tolerance, and so we have to drink more in order to get that feeling. So I want you to think about this.

[00:06:49] Do you ever get that little zing, that little energy burst when you actually think about drinking? So let's say you're finished with work on a Friday, every Friday night that you go out and you have happy hour. Do you have a little skip in your step as you're walking out the door? Was learning about this shortly after I had quit, I recognized that.

[00:07:08] I was like, yeah, absolutely. I felt like this little increased energy when I knew that I was gonna have a cocktail that night. And when I quit drinking, so I was, I didn't drink for a year before my husband stopped drinking as well. And I noticed that during that year that I could see when he would get a little zest in his step when he knew that we were going to go to a restaurant that had a good beer that he liked.

[00:07:32] His mood changed. He became happier. It was wild. But let's go back to does alcohol make us have more fun and be more fun? So yeah, just based on the fact that it can make us feel happier, we can be more fun to be around. We can be more likable, especially in the first one to two drinks. And after one to two drinks, alcohol starts to affect the frontal lobe, which decreases our inhibition, which makes us a little loosey goosey, which allows us to have maybe a little bit more of a fork tongue, sassier, wittier, for some people, you know, that can be attractive and that can be entertaining.

[00:08:12] But as we do in every belief in this episode, as we look at the four questions, is it true? Question number two, can you absolutely know it's true? Well, again, if you have one to two drinks, maybe you can ride that for the rest of the night. No big deal, but let's say that you have more than one to two drinks, where your blood alcohol concentration is over the legal limit.

[00:08:33] You might not be as much fun to be around after that. You might be the person who is incessantly talking, or talks about the same thing over and over again. Remember, this is no judgment. This is just our ability to be. In the seat of the observer where we're watching ourselves in the way that we respond.

[00:08:49] Maybe we get a little bit more nitpicky or maybe we get more impatient the more that we drink. Or, even if we do have those one to two glasses, do we get really tired and agitated and annoyed more quickly? So, again, we really look at things in a 24 hour period, not in this little snapshot. We look at it over an average of 24 hours, and then we say, okay, in that 24 hours, did it make me more fun?

[00:09:13] Does it make me more fun when I wake up in the morning and I'm tired because I didn't sleep well because I drank the night before? We always want to look at it that way. And also, if you have a higher tolerance for alcohol, then you might even notice that that feel good little zest in your step doesn't really last that long.

[00:09:29] It only lasts for about five to ten minutes, so you don't really have that extended period of one to two hours if you have one or two drinks, like the people who don't have a higher tolerance. You might notice that it plummets really quickly, so I would encourage you to time yourself if you're currently drinking.

[00:09:45] Time yourself for about how long you have that feel good feeling, that little zest in your step. And see if it lasts for 5, 10 minutes, 30 minutes after your first drink. Again, all we're doing here is updating your database. Right now, your subconscious beliefs are, alcohol is working, it's worked for me for a long time.

[00:10:04] Your subconscious has been fed that alcohol helps you have fun, helps you relax, helps you parent better. And so what you're doing is you're living into what the current reality and belief is. And so we do that by getting really radically responsible for our behavior. And remember, it's all about being the conscious consumer.

[00:10:22] And the only way we can be a conscious consumer is really looking at all of the facts, our current beliefs, and then how we can restructure and reframe those. Another common belief is I'm not as bad or I don't have as big of a problem as insert person, right? So this is really looking here at comparison itis.

[00:10:41] We're looking outward to our friends, social media, movies, what we know about somebody who has a quote unquote problem with drinking, and then We turn it around and we say, I'm actually not that bad. So that keeps us drinking because we've created this belief that our drinking isn't that bad. This is called confirmation bias.

[00:11:01] And confirmation bias is that tendency to search for things that support our views and beliefs. It's human nature. That's what we all do. And that's what we're doing with this comparisonitis thing, right? We're looking toward to others to confirm that our behavior is normal. But when we look outside of ourselves and we say, I'm not as bad as so and so, or I actually don't have a problem, so why am I complaining?

[00:11:24] This is a big one I hear from women is, why am I complaining? I have, my life is so good. Like I shouldn't be complaining about this. It's not that big of a deal. I don't want anybody to worry about me. When in reality, if you feel like it's a problem that is interfering in your life in any way, then it's a problem.

[00:11:40] And a problem doesn't have to be like this big, huge capital P problem. It can just be that it isn't serving you anymore. And I love saying it that way, that alcohol just isn't serving me anymore. It's not serving my highest good. And when we look at it that way, it can feel a lot more simple. And actually, that's what I used to tell people when they would ask me why I quit drinking.

[00:12:01] And I would just simply said, it just wasn't serving me anymore. The other response that was very common is, is I said, well, it made me feel like crap because I always say I had a hangover problem, not an alcohol problem. But when we're really sitting here and we're comparing ourselves to other people or maybe even an author, we're reading a memoir about somebody who is divulging their deepest, darkest secrets around alcohol.

[00:12:24] The reason why they have a book deal and it is written in a memoir is because it was probably book worthy. And so you look at it and you read it and I'm like, well, I don't have blackouts or I don't drink every day or I don't drink in the morning or I've never left my kids alone. Then when we look at it, then that can keep us trapped.

[00:12:43] So stop comparing yourself to others and start looking inward, start stepping away from what society is doing and what. Your friends are telling you and really look at your inner knowing and what it's saying to you. And because you know, if something is awry, I mean, you know, you feel it, something isn't great.

[00:13:02] And your relationship with alcohol, that's why you're probably listening to this podcast in the first place, unless you just 11 or toward me. Because when we continue to look outside of ourselves, then we will have that confirmation bias that says, I am not that bad. But my question is, is how bad does it have to get in order for you to change?

[00:13:24] How bad does it have to get when now something is telling you inside that alcohol isn't serving you and that you need to do differently? How bad does it have to get in order to start changing? And remember, my idea of changing is that next right decision. Thank you That next right decision is all you need to do to satisfy change for me because it's those slow, chopping wood, carrying water moments that make the massive changes later.

[00:13:52] Because if you're waiting for what they used to talk about with hitting rock bottom, then you could be waiting for a very long time because most of the people At least most of the women that I work with are in what's called this gray area spectrum of drinking. So they're not on the right side where they're teetotalers, they're not on the far left side where they're waking up and drinking alcohol all day, they're somewhere in the middle.

[00:14:16] And I absolutely love and adore both spectrums, far right, far left spectrums. I understand both of those areas as well. But for most of the women that I'm working with, it's for this middle gray area where it's really habitual, where it just became something that was invited into their life. As the years went by, it picked up, it changed, it became more intimate until here we are.

[00:14:42] We're wanting to live differently and we're wanting to do differently, but we still have this habituation with drinking. So now what? Because if we're waiting for things to get worse, if we're waiting to match this person that we're comparing ourselves to. Again, like I said, we may never get there and we may just basically be swimming near the bottom, but never hitting the bottom, never achieving our highest potential, but never hitting the ground either.

[00:15:07] So we need to start listening to our inner compass and what it is telling us. Not looking at the external world because it is just our brain, human nature to look for things that confirm or deny whatever our belief currently is. I mean, have you ever tried to have a debate with somebody who is completely opposite on the political spectrum than you?

[00:15:27] It's impossible because everything that they look at will confirm their belief, their political belief. On both sides, it's really hard to have a healthy debate about anything because everything that we bring to the table is based on our confirmation bias, what we believe in. We'll find examples of that to support our belief or our debate.

[00:15:48] So the next one is that alcohol helps with my anxiety. Oh yeah, okay, so definitely self medicating is a thing. People self medicate for mental health issues all the time. And not even a diagnosable mental health issue, we're not even looking at a DSM 5, but just having some irregularities within our mental health, people self medicate for that, with food, with alcohol, with other numbing type mechanisms, so, first off, if that is you, You are not alone, and we'll get to that common myth in a little bit.

[00:16:24] So earlier in this episode we looked at the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine, so we're going to look at a couple more. And one is called glutamate and the other is GABA, and we're looking at this as it relates to anxiety. Glutamate typically increases our nervous system and it activates it. And alcohol cancels that out.

[00:16:43] So it's a depressant. So it actually can help initially really quickly with the anxiety. And also is the reason why we can feel relaxed when we drink. Cause remember when I asked the four questions, is it true? Yes, it's true. We're not saying that it doesn't relax you. We're not saying it doesn't help with your anxiety.

[00:17:01] But is it an absolute truth? Is it true over a 24 hour period? And that's what we're looking at today. And the neurotransmitter GABA does the reverse of what glutamate does. And the neurotransmitter GABA helps the brain and body relax. Okay, so it promotes that calm feeling in our bodies. And alcohol targets the receptors, the GABA receptors, so it mimics GABA, so it makes you feel even more depressed.

[00:17:27] And so, not to get all in the weeds about this, but what happens is that because the alcohol attaches to those receptors, then GABA isn't produced as much, so that decreases. So then what happens is the more alcohol that you consume, the less GABA is actually made, so the less calm relaxation neurotransmitter is released.

[00:17:48] Then, so what happens is, is that you can have this rebound stress and depression because you don't have GABA that's being naturally produced to attach to those receptor sites to make you feel calm. So, hope I didn't get too much in the weeds with that, but basically GABA, glutamate act as a depressant and that, and that's it.

[00:18:06] Can backfire if you're a chronic drinker. So yes, it can help with anxiety initially, then you can have this rebound anxiety. And some interesting facts from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Administration, they say that a fair percentage of people who drink actually have anxiety induced by alcohol.

[00:18:25] So their anxiety is really induced by prolonged alcohol use. Like I was saying, with the GABA neurotransmitter pulling back from the receptor site, so it decreases the amount of GABA that's produced, which is the calming neurotransmitter. And so when that's not there, then it increases anxiety. And they actually say that about 20 percent of social anxiety is due from alcohol consumption, which I think is huge.

[00:18:49] Now, generalized anxiety disorder is a diagnosable medical illness that can be treated with medications and cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm just gonna lay this out here for you guys, but as a medical provider, it is really difficult to medicate or even to diagnose somebody who is a chronic alcohol user because first off, it's just Hard to get the prescription just right.

[00:19:13] But also, what if anxiety was actually caused by the amount of alcohol that you were drinking and not from a mental condition? So it's just something to consider if you're grappling with and suffering from anxiety. It's absolutely real, and even if you want to, if you feel like it isn't well maintained, By your medical provider, then that possibly could be due to your drinking and consider removing it and seeing how your life improves.

[00:19:40] Now that alcohol has been removed, maybe you can get the medication right to where it really helps you overall and increases your quality of life because that's what we're looking at here is how do we increase our quality of life. But as somebody who has never experienced anxiety more than the occasional anxiety that you get from project or a test or a speaking engagement.

[00:19:59] And. I had anxiety, hangxiety, so post drinking anxiety, for about two years before I quit drinking. I felt so anxious the next day after drinking. I mean, I would have, my hands would be sweaty, and I felt really foggy brained, and unclear, and I wasn't direct, I wasn't confident. It was really messing with me.

[00:20:20] And then as soon as I quit drinking, it went away. It went away instantaneous. It's like when I had acid reflux with my pregnancies, as soon as I had the baby, I no longer had acid reflux. It was like immediate, immediately didn't have it. It's the same with this anxiety. This alcohol abuse anxiety that I was experiencing.

[00:20:38] Lastly, the belief that you are alone in your struggle, that no one feels the way that you do, that you are the only one that hangs out with your friends and has a drink or two, and then goes home and has a bottle of wine. Or that you're the only one who feels like they have a problem with alcohol or the only one who's trying to moderate their alcohol and can't.

[00:20:58] Or that all your other friends can drink normally and you just can't. So first and foremost, guys, you have no idea what your friends and family do when they go home after hanging out with you. We just don't know what they do behind closed doors. So stop. Thinking about it that way. I have spoken to hundreds of women with similar beliefs and concerns and problems around alcohol.

[00:21:16] And the one thing that I found to be most beneficial in the short and long term when dealing with unraveling your relationship with alcohol is this idea of sisterhood and accountability and reaching out. And talking with other people about what you're dealing with, because other people are there to share and to listen to the same experiences, you have no idea what other people are going through behind closed doors, but having this sisterhood accountability and knowing that somebody is there for you is so healing.

[00:21:46] So if you feel like you can't confide in your friends, look for online communities. There are so many online communities now. That are on Facebook, you can go to Instagram, so we're influencers, you can go any sort of group and find community of women to share your story as you awaken to the way that alcohol is saturated within our society.

[00:22:07] And it is called the unraveling of our relationship with alcohol. We will notice these confirmation bias that come up. We get to change this confirmation bias, we get to recognize the unhealthy relationship we might have with alcohol, we'll recognize the unhealthy relationship that our society has with alcohol, and maybe even gently notice the unhealthy relationship others in our life have with alcohol.

[00:22:32] So these are the common beliefs that keep us stuck in our drinking cycle. As always, reach out if something resonates with you. If you feel like you want to dig deeper, if you feel like there's some common myths that you know and you've discovered in your own life and you want me to add them to the list, then let me know and live in love big.