Ep 56 - A Survivors Story of Losing Everything in an Abusive Relationship with a Healing Ending

EPISODE NOTES FOR THE TANYA BENLOW INTERVIEW

A SURVIVORS STORY OF LOSING EVERYTHING IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, WITH A HEALING ENDING

Today's guest, Tanya Benlow shares her journey candidly in this conversation where she recalls her experience in an abusive relationship.

There were so many parallels in Tanya's story to my own.

There may be many parallels in Tanya's story to your own too.

Tanya is no stranger to adversity and suffering, but this has not dampened her beautiful spirit.

She is devoted to creating a platform for others to share their most vulnerable selves, where they can share their ups and downs.

There are so many wise and wonderful things to take away from this conversation with Tanya. 

If you are a victim or survivor of an abusive relationship and you would like some help and support, please tune in to this episode and know that I am here for you. 

If you are interested in getting some coaching support or energetic healing to help heal your life and get your life back on track, you are very welcome to contact me.

I work online via zoom face-to-face calls, which allows you the flexibility to work with me wherever you happen to be located and wherever you are comfortable to have private confidential conversations.

If you would love to get unstuck and you know deep down you will achieve far more by getting the support of a transformational coach, I would love to help you get your life back on the right track.

If you would like to connect with Tanya Benlow use the links below

You can connect to Tanya on:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tanya.benlow

FB group; https://www.facebook.com/groups/leaders4healing/

DISCOVERY CALL

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WEBSITE

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ONLINE SELF-WORTH/NET-WORTH WELLNESS WORKSHOP

If you would like to participate in my next online workshop REDISCOVER THE TREASURES WITHIN - HOW TO INCREASE YOUR SELF-WORTH TO INCREASE YOUR NET WORTH, click this link 

Here are the top tips of today’s episode: 

•  If you find out at any stage in your relationship that your partner has been abusive to other women in previous relationships this is a red flag. You may think that the way that he is currently treating you shows no indications that he will be abusive to you too, but the chances are you will be victim to exactly the same patterns of behavior as his previous partners.
• Maybe you can see yourself as having an unhealthy obsession with the person who you know to be toxic and maybe this will keep you wanting to continue the relationship even when you are already being hurt in a variety of ways. 
• When you give yourself permission to do something, you empower yourself. Give yourself choices to help you break free from a victim mindset. 
• Keeping a diary or journaling is a great way of getting things out of your head and onto paper.
• Record keeping is something you should be doing in an abusive relationship and when you leave an abusive relationship while you still have contact with the abusive partner. But you must find a way to keep records safely so that they do not jeopardize your safety with your abusive partner. 
• Once you are committed to the relationship you may feel too vested to give up on it, and be in a state of hopefulness that everything will somehow work itself out. 
• When your partner isolates you from your friends and from your family it is a red flag that they are using coercive control which is a form of abuse. 
• Suggesting you move away or convincing you to move away from your friends and family is a tactic to further isolate you, disempower you and control you.
• Financial control is a form of abuse and this happens to 99% of women in abusive relationships. If your partner is controlling your finances and leaving you vulnerable financially you need to find ways to build some emergency funds. The idea is for you to get back enough to allow you to exit the relationship, even if this is only the bond and the first month's rent for a rental property. 
• As was the case for Tanya it is very common for women to trust their partner to do the right thing for them financially. It does not seem normal because where there is mutual trust and mutual respect there should be no paper trail to prove that your partner is using your money for the intended purpose. So what do you do? How can you maintain some control when they expect you to blindly trust them with your money? One way might be to say that you will pay for things directly. Today it is very easy to make digital direct transactions. Keep your pin number to yourself and your password to your bank account too. If you have a joint account then keep a close eye on transactions and withdrawals. And always have a separate account that is in your name only and that only you have access to. 
• Promises of getting married one day, but never getting to the stage of actually setting a date is another red flag. It is a tactic to keep you feeling loved and honored enough to want to make you his wife, to tug at your heartstrings so that you stay even when you are miserable in the relationship. 
• Affairs are very common in abusive relationships. This is another reason to keep you isolated so that you do not have the self-confidence to hold them accountable for their infidelity. 
• One way to help yourself to become more objective about whether or not to stay in an abusive relationship is to ask yourself if this was happening to someone else who I love and care about would I want them to stay stuck in this abusive situation? 
• Tanya made a point that we might damn ourselves to stay a victim of our circumstances but if we think beyond how this is impacting on our family and other people who love and care about us, it helps us to try our best to do what is needed to begin to turn our lives around for the better.  
• We feel hurt and broken and just want to escape the pain of what we are going through, but we need to remember that there are other people who want to see us heal and find happiness and stability in our lives again. 
• Finding a good counselor is one of the best things you can do to help you find a path to healing your life. If you do not relate well to a new counselor, try another. It is really important to feel comfortable enough with your counselor that you can let go and open up to them about what it going on for you and how that is making you feel. This helps you to get the weight of what you are carrying outside of yourself and let go of some of the burden of what you are dealing with.
• When you break free from the cycle of abuse and you are reeling from the trauma of what you have been through. It is very easy to still attract the wrong kind of people into your life because you are still carrying so much of the energy from the abusive relationship.
• If all you can think of is what you don't want then write it all down and then flip it. This is one of the exercises I do with my clients. I help them to flip what they don't want into creating a list of things that they do want and this becomes a - goals, dreams and hopes list. This gives you a positive direction to move in and helps you change your energy away from victimhood.
• Remember that micro-steps in the right direction can get you to that goal, dream, or desire that you have. As much as you want an instant fix, it is far better to start taking small manageable steps than it is to wait for that magical transformation to happen instantaneously.
• Starting to empower yourself starts with self-love and self-care. When you start doing the simple things which give yourself value again, like getting your hair done, or buying a magazine, or sitting in nature, your energy will change and you will feel stronger and more like the you that you used to be. Or if you have always been hard on yourself you will begin to reap the benefits of taking care of yourself by giving yourself the love and care you deserve. 

I hope this interview inspires you to rise and shine.

Today's episode is proudly sponsored by the Kim Lengling Author

To connect with Kim or to tap into her services as a ghostwriter and Anthology Publisher, click on the link below.

Connect with Kim Lengling Here

Subscribe. Enjoy. Share. Sending love and light, Sandy J

CAUTION: If you feel unsafe at any time please STOP LISTENING. You can come back anytime you are in a safe place to listen to the rest of the Podcast. YOUR SAFETY is the most important thing to consider.

If you are in immediate DANGER call the Police.

NOTE OF ENCOURAGEMENT: If you are struggling with your mental health please reach out for support with some form of counseling, therapy, or coaching.  If you don’t know where to start to find a counselor, a good place to start is to talk to your Doctor. There are also many online counseling supports now available. If the Support Person is not a good fit for you, try another and another, until you have one that is the right fit for you. And don't forget, I help women to heal and grow, and help them to meet their challenges head-on, to move towards a life they love. 

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Until next time, stay well and stay safe.

Sending you love, light, peace and joy,

Sandy J