Ask Margaret: My Child Is Being Ostracized

When our child is suddenly being left out of their friend group, how can we help them cope without giving in to our own emotions about the situation?

A member of our Facebook group writes:

"My 9-year-old finally made a new group of friends this year in school, and the other day at recess they announced that they don’t want to be her friend anymore.

She is crushed, and while I know this is part of growing up, I don’t know how to help her. I let her stay home today- to be honest, partly so she doesn’t have to endure a recess with this group of girls ignoring her or worse.

I know missing school is not the answer. How can I help her? "

Margaret reminds this listener that she's not on the emotional roller coaster with her kid in this situation - rather, she is a neutral and safe space for her child to express their feelings about the situation.

It's important to let your child feel whatever they need to about the situation without trying to "fix" them or suggesting how they might behave differently in order to gain entry back into the friend group. Remind them that they can only control how they react to the situation, and empower them to focus on other friendships, hobbies, and activities for the time being.

In the meantime, watch out for signs that your child is suffering from severe bullying, such as weight loss, loss of appetite, or loss of interest in normal activities - this could mean that they need a more robust form of intervention on their behalf.

Here are links to some resources Margaret mentions:

• Sherri Gordon for VeryWell Family: 7 Tips for Helping Kids Deal With Being Ostracized
• Our episode about bullies
• Our episode "Mean Girls with Katie Hurley"

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