Empowering Others: Finding Strength in Serving and Making a Difference with Amber Ontiveros

Deneen L. Garrett 00:02 00:47 Welcome to another episode of Women of Color, An Intimate Conversation. And as you know, the last few episodes, I've been doing things a little differently. We are having more conversations, so we're getting a little bit more conversational and just seeing where things take us. Today's guest is Amber Ontiveros. She is a longtime civil rights advocate, served in advisory roles at the US Department of Transportation for the Bush and Obama administrations, and now runs Ontiveros and Associates specializing in change management, policy development, executive and spiritual coaching, which we're gonna talk about. Amber, tell us a little bit more about you. Thank you.
Amber Ontiveros 00:47 06:50 So a little bit about me. So before I worked for the Obama administration, I worked locally here in Portland. I worked for a local Black senator, and she really taught me everything that I know. I've worked in the Black community for over 20 years. I feel very privileged. And then I ended up working for the head of TriMet, which is the largest transit agency here in Portland. And then someone talked to me about applying for a job in DC, and I did. And so I have a very interesting background in that all of my background is in policy, but it's in practical implementation. So I actually implemented the laws or the programs at the local level that I then changed the federal law. And so I investigated agency. I rewrote parts of the federal civil rights law, and then I investigated agencies for discrimination. I don't normally feel like I need to share my background, but I think it's important that you understand my background, your listeners, so that you can understand the context of my book. So obviously, I'm a discrimination expert. And what happened was in 2006, I left the administration in 2014. And in 2016, I had a near death experience. And what happened was to mean one minute I was in my body. And the next minute I popped outside of my body. And I went through the ceiling and I went into a black void with a with basically blackness, and then I was sucked into a light with a being of light that I knew was the infinite creator. And it was so profound because what I learned was, oh, no, no, no. What I heard was how I learned all the good things that I had done, but I also learned how I had hurt people. And so when I came back, I studied consciousness, and the neuroscience of unconscious bias. And what I discovered honestly shocked me. And what shocked me was that what the Infinite Creator told me, which was that the thing that I'm angry over, the man who is mad over Black Lives Matter, lives within me. And I found it in the neuroscience. And the neuroscience showed that the cause of discrimination and oppression and all of these other things has to do with the brain. And so here's what's actually happening. There are two parts. There is a self-serving bias that the neuroscience calls, and here's how it works, Daneen. If good things happen to you, you attribute them to yourself. And it does this to protect your self-esteem so you can overcome a challenge so that you can then get work and or eat. So the other part of the bias works like this. If bad things happen to you, you attribute those things to things outside of yourself. So it does that so you can overcome the challenge of not having a job. So it protects your self-esteem so you can get a job and eat. The problem is it could be wrong. And then here's another part, that's the clincher. In the back of your brain, there's a system, it's called the reticular activation system. And the reticular activation system essentially holds you hostage to what you think about yourself. And what I realized, with the self-serving bias in this thing, what I realized was, because i studied the science is that what's actually happening is past trauma is being applied to a present moment experience so quickly by the brain you don't know it's happening so the book is called the four woundings because the four woundings that live within me are the same woundings that live within the man that is angry over the fact that Black lives matter. And here's what he's saying to himself. He's saying, Daneen, if you matter, I don't matter. That's based on his wound that he believes that if you matter, I don't matter based on a belief that I'm not worthy. And that's also based on a belief that I'm not enough because he's comparing himself to you, the black life that matters. And then what he's doing really quickly is he's saying, oh my gosh, I have to win. If I have to compare myself to you, I have to win. And then he's thinking, I have to do this because in the past I didn't have resources. And all of these four woundings are playing in his mind so quickly, he doesn't know it. And I realized it because it was the same woundings that lived within me that I was applying to my clients, because what I was thinking with my clients is, why won't they use my thing? Why do they change my thing? And I was thinking, well, maybe there's something wrong with me. It's the same wounding. I was thinking I'm not worthy. I'm not enough. I was thinking the exact same thing. And so what's happening when that occurs is the trigger is actually a past trauma that your soul is trying to wake you up to. That's what's actually happening.

Deneen L. Garrett 06:50 07:38 Yeah, that's really interesting because traumas do play, I mean, they manifest in so many different ways, right? And it's traumas from previous lives, not our lives, but just being passed down from generation to generation. And as you were talking, I was thinking about something that I learned recently, maybe within the last couple of years, is that there is such a thing as, trauma being passed down from- Generations. Yeah, when blacks were enslaved. Absolutely generations and from slavery. And it wasn't something that I'm like, wow, I had never really heard that, but it really made sense. Do you see any of that coming up? Did any of that come up in your research for your book?

Amber Ontiveros 07:38 08:27 Yes, there is a NIH study that proves it. It is proven that, so here's the thing. The trauma that you heal actually heals your ancestors. It actually heals your ancestors. Because here's the thing, Deneen. The kingdom of heaven lives within you. And the kingdom of heaven that lives within you is the same kingdom of heaven that lives within me. And that is the spark of the consciousness of the great I am. That is within you. And that is within me. And because of that, When you heal your trauma, you're actually healing the ancestors of your trauma because there's only one consciousness, which is the consciousness of the great I am.

Deneen L. Garrett 08:27 08:46 Wow. So that just makes our responsibility in healing even greater. That's right. It's healing for ourselves and our future generations. We're also, do I dare say correcting?

Amber Ontiveros 08:46 09:19 yes you are no no no no no you are you are because um this is the power that lies within you when you think about about this this this is god that so where you place your awareness is the power of god right so if you heal that heals out right That's the way it works.

Deneen L. Garrett 09:19 09:38 Absolutely. So you talked about your experience, right? Your near death experience where you have out of body experience. What do you attribute that to? Like, do you attribute that to your ancestors and share a little bit about your ancestry? Yeah.

Amber Ontiveros 09:38 10:26 Um, so I was adopted. I found, I found my birth family and um, I, i learned that i am latina and i do have native uh that's why i wear this i have native in my um on my father's side and um honestly danine everything is perfect with regard to your question like why why did it happen to me so that i could be here now so that i could give you this message so that you could heal yourself That's how it works. It's always divine. It's always perfect. You know what I mean? It's always perfect.

Deneen L. Garrett 10:26 11:07 Absolutely. So the podcast is about empowering women of color. And so what I'm going to title our conversation is Empowering Others, Finding Strength and Serving and Making a Difference. So I want to form the rest of this conversation around that. So about the strength that you found in your experience, your near-death, out-of-body experience, as well as the research and the work where you cover your book. I want to talk around that. How that strength can impact others, how you're using that strength to impact others.

Amber Ontiveros 11:07 17:49 Yes. So let's go back to who are you? But let's talk real power, empowering women of color. Let's talk real power. Here's what I learned as a result of those teachings. When you heal the shackles of the mind, the trauma of the mind, you can literally then become all that you are. It's these woundings that are resulting in imposter syndrome. They're the things that are holding you back from becoming the 1%. Therefore, here was how I was taught how to heal from the angels. Okay, so if you understand who you are, which is you are actually a consciousness, you need consciousness to heal the consciousness, which is the mind. In which case, the tools that I created are meditation, mindfulness, a technique called mindfulness listening. using growth mindset on yourself, being kind, being compassionate to yourself. Okay, why all those things? Back to the reticular activation system. In my book, I talk about in the past that I had, when I was younger, had been raped. And I also had been discriminated against a lot. So all of that results in negative thought loops and trauma and self loathing, etc. So What this does, what all of these techniques do, meditation, mindfulness, et cetera, it creates neural, it's neural plasticity. It changes the neural pathways in the brain. And so I teach breath work, but I also teach how to change your thoughts through a technique called mindful listening and also a visualization technique. Because top performing athletes know that there is no difference between an imaginary versus a real experience, right? In which case, you could get the confidence from an imaginary experience just as well as you could from a real one. And you play it over and over again, then the body recognizes it. So those are the techniques that I use. So honestly, women, the most important thing that you can do is shadow work and changing your thoughts and shadow work simply is a somatic practice where you go into the body and you feel the feeling wherever the feeling sensation is in the body and you drain the feeling from the body because that's the body keeps the score and then what you do is you change the mind. How do you change the mind? you have to see the emotions, the behavior, and the thoughts to trace them back to the beliefs. And once you do that, you can, chances are these four woundings you probably have, in which case there are many things that you could do. Meditation is one because that is a, it's self-love, it's compassion, and that changes the neural pathways. The other thing is you can do a visualization technique and you do it every night before you go to bed. You do it in the present moment because the brain doesn't understand the difference. So you do it in the present moment as though it's already happened or the past as though it's already happened. And then you visualize yourself doing the thing that you think you can't do. You visualize it in a positive way. You visualize yourselves doing it successfully, and you do it over and over and over and over and over again. And then it changes the neural pathways in the brain. And then the last thing, really, I think this technique has taught me compassion, a technique called mindful listening. So when I started using this, I realized that every single time I got triggered, It was result of a wounding within me, because the angels had told me that every single time you get triggered, you're actually giving yourself a spiritual gift. And what you're saying to yourself is your soul is saying, wake up. There's some false thing that you're seeing here. And I'm like, OK, so here's here's what's happening when the person is threatened by you. What they're really saying is to me. There's something I see in you that I don't see in me, and I want to be you. And when you get angry over the person that's threatened by you, you're saying, I agree with you. And the other thing I realized was when the quote racist shows up, because racism isn't actually about race, it's about self-esteem, when the racist shows up, and they get angry and they act the way that they do, I used to get mad. And then I realized the reason why they're acting that way is because they fear your worthiness. And when I get angry, I'm believing them. And that's not real either. In which case, that shows the depth of compassion. And the way that you do that is when you're in a hostile situation, you focus on your breath. You ask yourself a set of questions. Why am I angry? What would I have to believe to be angry? And then the second thing is, why is that person doing that? And once you ask the same questions, and once you start doing this, you'll start, and when you know the four woundings, you'll start seeing Every single time someone acts badly, it's because they're unconscious in that moment. Their wound of trauma is showing up. So there's something about you that is helping them see their wound and the same vice versa. And so the key is to then see it. That's why you use mindfulness so you can sit in the present time moment and be aware of it. And then you can change it. First, you have to see it so that you then can change.

Deneen L. Garrett 17:49 18:21 Yeah. And so typically, the experience you're sharing is coming from a negative response to it, right? But is it always that? Could it be that you're seeing something in someone that you want and it's a good thing, right? It's a good thing. It's inspiring you. It's motivating you. Or it's letting you know, hey, here's an area for you maybe to consider Putting more work in this particular space, honing skills around that particular space.

Amber Ontiveros 18:21 18:52 Yes. Yes. Yeah. Well, so here's this funny thing about the unconscious bias that I realized. You can't trust your thoughts. The mind is completely biased. We, I honestly believe now we don't know. if the thought that I'm having right now is from five years ago or from two days ago, or whether it was from the TV or whether it was from the radio. I mean, literally, because that's what it's doing.

Deneen L. Garrett 18:52 19:05 Yeah, it's happening now. So who is your book for? So your book is Heal the Four Woundings, A Guide to Ending Discord and Discrimination. Yes. The book for?

Amber Ontiveros 19:05 20:01 I think it's for women of color. Okay. Yeah, it's for women of color. It's for it. No, I shouldn't say that. It's for anybody who who no longer wants to be in pain. Okay. Anybody that wants to change anybody that wants to be happy. Anybody that wants to be happy, wants to be joyous, wants to take back their power, wants to be authentic, wants to not feel anything when the racist shows up in the room, because they will. In which case, this is about teaching you how to change your mindset, take back your power, because when someone acts badly, it's not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of them. I can respond or not respond. I can only be hurt in here if I let them.

Deneen L. Garrett 20:01 20:28 So your background in civil rights advocacy definitely lends itself to the book, right? And you're focusing on discrimination. You're focusing on the experiences that women of color are having. You mentioned working in the Black community for 20 plus years. So sure, you're thinking, or Black women, their experiences show up a lot in your book. Would that be fair? Yes. Yeah.

Amber Ontiveros 20:28 20:56 Yeah. I mean, I may be a Latin woman, but I definitely think I I oftentimes and people always tell me this, they forget that I'm not black because I think I'm black because I've lived it. I've worked in the black community my whole life. So I don't know how to think anything other than black culture. So I apologize for that. And I mean, no disrespect. But yeah, that's that's me.

Deneen L. Garrett 20:56 21:27 Yeah. And so where you are today, because you're doing executive and spiritual coaching, what does that look like? And again, how are you tying the same, because when I'm thinking about the first part or when I'm thinking about the book and the discrimination, I'm almost separating the two. However, there really is not a separation. Right. So go ahead. No, I'm saying so let's talk around that.

Amber Ontiveros 21:27 23:22 So. I do executive and spiritual coaching, so I took the book and created a workbook from it. And it's essentially an executive coaching workbook. And it has spiritual lessons, only seven, seven spiritual lessons, and then the rest are all the tools based on the neuroscience. So that and what I do is I, I, and I also have these videos, of bias that you you watch the bias so that you can then see how you would respond normally. And then I teach mindful listening to you so that you can then see that same scenario and apply the technique to yourself. So all the tools I'm talking about, I teach individuals how to use the and I also teams how to use those on yourself. So how do you how do you dissolve the feeling in the body? How do you change your mindset? One of the teachings that I teach is called breaking the habit of being small. And so what we do is we identify a goal, whatever the goal is, And then we identify the barrier to achieving it. And then we identify the psychological state for the person that could easily do it. And then we use the and also we ask a bunch of growth mindset questions. And then we use that to then develop the visualization technique. Because based on the way, if you understand what I just said, it basically creates the visualization for you that you think is your barrier that you then have to overcome. So I teach you how to change your own mind through the tool that you can then use for future later.

Deneen L. Garrett 23:22 23:52 Yeah. And so are you using this more so like in the workplace and in court settings? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So that's where my mind is going. That's where I'm thinking that this is for that. Of course, a person not in a workplace, a person not in corporate could still read the book and still. Oh, yeah. Yes. Get those lessons and apply it to themselves. But your work and practice is more so in corporate settings and larger, larger groups.

Amber Ontiveros 23:52 24:30 Yes. And actually, if anybody is interested in just the workbook or the book, if you go to the to my website, heal the four woundings dot com, You can get both the book and the workbook for like 30 bucks. And you can then, and it has all the instructions. It has like, how do you do a guided meditation, all that. It's like very, very in-depth. It's 50 pages, the workbook. You can do it all on your own for like 30 bucks. It is a consciousness book, so it is challenging, but you can absolutely do it on your own.

Deneen L. Garrett 24:30 24:39 And so when you say it's a consciousness book and it's challenging, what does that mean? What does that look like? How does it present?

Amber Ontiveros 24:39 25:55 Well, what I mean by that is, how do you communicate with yourself? Consciousness is about a state of being. It's about using a set of tools like awareness, authenticity, kindness, compassion on yourself. So then what are the tools of consciousness that are the levers to change the brain? And then what are the right techniques within those levers? In other words, Some, not all meditations are the same, right? And some work for certain things and some don't work for other things. So the technique I use is, it's a simple, it's a breath work. It's a breath work. And then mindful listening is, it's a breath work, but it's, but also ties the breath to a set of questions, loving inquiry questions that then force you to look at your problem.

Deneen L. Garrett 25:56 26:43 so that's what i mean by it's a consciousness it's it's about how are you thinking how are you being aware and how are you doing it in a kind way yeah and i'm going to tell you this what comes to mind for me especially when you say consciousness and then when you kind of broke it down for us for those who are listening or watching um hard work it's hard work um whenever we're taking time with ourselves and actually you know, going within and being aware and being conscious, it's hard. A lot of people run from that. A lot of people don't. They may even, you know, don't go through, they may get stuck. What is your experience with it? Like, how do you measure success?

Amber Ontiveros 26:45 28:09 Oh, okay. So honestly, that's a great question. So some of the so these teachings are in the book. So the number one thing I would say to any client is this, you measure your success, you define your success based on your definition of success. That means if if success means you clear two trauma wounds, that's success. That's success. Because This is part of the imposter syndrome. That's wounding number two. Wounding number two is we believe we have to compare ourselves with another. If we continue to be defined by another, we will never make the mark because we will believe it. And I didn't realize the reason why I acted badly to white women is because I believed the white aesthetic of beauty. and I believed I was ugly and therefore I had to compare because I believed I had to compare myself to them and that's not real. Once I realized I was worthy and that I was enough exactly the way I was and that I'm beautiful exactly the way I am, it doesn't matter if she is beautiful. I can be beautiful too. My aesthetic of beauty is just as good as hers and I don't have to compete to win. She can be beautiful and so can I. Yeah, absolutely.

Deneen L. Garrett 28:09 28:49 There's room for all of us. And what's key about what you said is the individual defines success for themselves. That's right. And that's what we, you know, that's a key thing that if nothing else to take away from this, I would say is definitely that you define success for yourself. You define what beauty is for yourself. Yes. I love that. I love it. So how are some other ways that we can empower women of color? So again, just you know, you reaching back into, you know, your whole journey. How are some other ways that we can empower women of color that we haven't talked about just yet?

Amber Ontiveros 28:49 29:39 Well, I mean, in terms of the other work that I do, I don't know who all of your listeners are, but there's so much work out there, especially for women of color in projects for with agencies. So if any of you are familiar with the federal DBE program or the local MWESB programs that are state minority contracting programs, there's so much work out there and they're looking for for us. And, you know, I know many of you may be concerned about the fearless fund litigation and think that, you know, blah, blah, blah. And I just want to say, it's OK. Don't listen. It's going to be OK. And get certified and join.

Deneen L. Garrett 29:39 30:51 Yeah. And so, yeah, my background actually is in D&I. So at the time that I was there in this space, it was diversity and inclusion. And so, again, my whole thinking, I'm like, oh, this is definitely, and why I ask the questions, I'm like, oh, this is definitely something that would have been a consideration when I was in that particular space. So that's how I'm coming from, you know, where I'm coming from when I'm listening to you and having this conversation with you, that's where I'm coming from. And then I also wanted to make sure to lift for individuals how this can impact them as well, right? Pretty much anything, even that's in a corporate setting, you can still take from and learn from because we can learn from any and everything. And it's up to us to decide, well, which of those nuggets and tools and resources, and et cetera, will you actually apply to your life? Because again, just like when we're saying you define success for yourself, you also choose which things you want to apply to your life. Everything does not necessarily fit, doesn't fit at this particular time, maybe down the line. But it's totally up to you what you do with the tools. Yes.

Amber Ontiveros 30:51 31:09 Yes. Yeah. And I mean, here's the thing. Here's another teaching. You can't give what you don't have. Hurt people, hurt people. They seem so simple and I know them now.

Deneen L. Garrett 31:09 31:45 Yeah, absolutely. And we have to learn who they are and then see them, right? And then know that that's them, that's their issue, it's not ours. But again, the key to getting there is to take time with ourselves to be conscious, to be aware, to do this work that you're talking about. And again, it just starts with us. Yes. It starts with you. Yeah. So Amber, before we wrap, what would you like to leave the audience with?

Amber Ontiveros 31:45 33:38 I would like to say to every single woman that's listening, you are so beautiful. Here's the thing that the infinite creator shared with me. Here was the answer that was given to me about how we heal the world. So there's a tribe in Africa. Here's what they do. They believe that wherever matter can be found, spirit is. And what they do is when someone acts unbecoming to the tribe, they put them in the middle of the tribe. And they recount every good deed, every kind word, every loving kindness action that they have ever done. And what they say is they remember him back to the better part of himself. And imagine in your mind what your life would be like if you made a mistake and you heard this. Thank you, Deneen. Thank you for making that mistake. You are so worthy. You are so lovable. You are so kind. You are so brilliant. The fact that you have now discovered that mistake means that we can fix it. I'm so grateful. There is nothing that we can't do. Imagine what our life would be like. That is what we would hurt here because our reticular activation system would be healed. And we would now be walking around and seeing the world in the way that it actually is, in the way the creator wants you to see it, which is that the universe loves you, but we can't see it because these trauma wounds will only allow us to experience what we believe about ourselves. And once you remove those shackles from your mind, you're no longer enslaved.

Deneen L. Garrett 33:38 34:17 Yeah. And so I do wanna ask another question, especially based off of what you just shared, right? So the conversation that we've had has talked about how individuals, how we can go within and we can overcome trauma, we can become better individuals. You even mentioned that there's work that women of color, black women can do. You talked about the certifications, you mentioned Fearless Fund. I wanna know specifically for you, how you found strength in serving and making a difference.

Amber Ontiveros 34:17 34:59 It's my heart. You're literally asking a question of who am I? I realize now every single position I've ever been in has been in service to others. Someone asked me this question on a podcast. The most important person that I met was Margaret. the Honorable Margaret Carter, Black State Senator. And she literally was, is still to this day, met all these bigwigs. She's literally the most sophisticated person I've ever met in policy, local woman. And service to others means following your heart, wherever that may take you.

Deneen L. Garrett 34:59 35:15 I love it. Well, Amber Ontiveros, thank you so much for sharing your heart with us, for lending your voice. and inspiring us to seek within and to heal from our traumas. Thank you so much and enjoy the rest of your day.

Amber Ontiveros 35:15 35:18 Thank you. You're welcome.