Abandonment - You are stronger than these Wounds

00:00:00.050 --> 00:00:02.259
Welcome back to the Women's Mental Health Podcast.

00:00:02.299 --> 00:00:02.990
I'm Randi.

00:00:03.020 --> 00:00:03.779
And I'm Jess.

00:00:03.810 --> 00:00:05.780
And we are two licensed psychotherapists.

00:00:05.830 --> 00:00:12.300
This is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges.

00:00:12.359 --> 00:00:14.050
And how all of this is

00:00:14.130 --> 00:00:15.000
normal.

00:00:15.070 --> 00:00:16.329
And you are not alone.

00:00:16.339 --> 00:00:16.960
Not alone.

00:00:17.250 --> 00:00:22.910
So today we're going to talk about abandonment issues and how it affects women's mental health.

00:00:23.820 --> 00:00:26.364
So have you ever had These thoughts.

00:00:27.054 --> 00:00:27.295
How

00:00:27.295 --> 00:00:29.594
does abandonment impact a woman's mental health?

00:00:30.214 --> 00:00:34.325
What are some common signs of abandonment issues in women?

00:00:34.844 --> 00:00:38.075
Can abandonment issues lead to other mental health conditions?

00:00:38.445 --> 00:00:41.125
How can women heal from abandonment

00:00:41.185 --> 00:00:41.774
trauma?

00:00:42.185 --> 00:00:47.015
Can abandonment issues affect women's ability to form secure attachments in relationships?

00:00:47.534 --> 00:00:53.554
Are there any good self help strategies that women can use to cope with their abandonment issues?

00:00:53.935 --> 00:00:57.795
When should a woman seek professional help for these abandonment issues?

00:00:58.704 --> 00:01:01.975
Can abandonment issues truly be resolved

00:01:01.994 --> 00:01:02.725
completely?

00:01:03.219 --> 00:01:06.349
How important is it for women to share their abandonment struggles

00:01:06.349 --> 00:01:07.849
With others or their partners?

00:01:08.209 --> 00:01:15.030
How can women prioritize their mental health, especially while dealing with the effects of abandonment?

00:01:15.319 --> 00:01:18.379
One of the questions we should ask is what is abandonment?

00:01:18.620 --> 00:01:22.183
Because we throw it around a lot, Oh, they've got abandonment issues.

00:01:22.316 --> 00:01:24.917
But do we really know what that is?

00:01:25.237 --> 00:01:31.808
I don't think that we really talk about abandonment and what it causes people.

00:01:32.287 --> 00:01:39.087
And I think it's very prolific because I feel, especially as women, we can feel abandoned.

00:01:39.197 --> 00:01:48.701
By parents, partners, friends, friends, and it can create like this cycle for what we expect in our lives.

00:01:48.855 --> 00:01:50.935
so what is abandonment?

00:01:51.194 --> 00:01:51.454
So

00:01:51.474 --> 00:01:59.307
first, let's start off by saying everyone has a basic need for safety, acceptance, freedom, um, Reasonable limits.

00:01:59.516 --> 00:02:06.757
But when these core needs aren't met, usually when we're younger, during childhood, people will develop what we call schemas.

00:02:07.417 --> 00:02:07.816
Schemas?

00:02:07.856 --> 00:02:08.926
Am I saying that right?

00:02:08.956 --> 00:02:09.526
Schemas?

00:02:09.526 --> 00:02:09.937
Yeah.

00:02:09.937 --> 00:02:10.917
I never use that word.

00:02:11.377 --> 00:02:13.076
Basically, ideas, right?

00:02:13.347 --> 00:02:13.627
Right.

00:02:13.637 --> 00:02:14.516
Like, we would

00:02:14.516 --> 00:02:22.167
call it like our personality, but it's how was our personality developed is where the schema comes in.

00:02:22.306 --> 00:02:22.497
Right.

00:02:22.497 --> 00:02:24.512
And these, what these schemas are, are negative things.

00:02:24.651 --> 00:02:34.431
themes or patterns that define our life, shaping how we see and respond to other experiences in unhelpful ways.

00:02:34.762 --> 00:02:37.485
really we call these schemas abandonment issues.

00:02:38.014 --> 00:02:47.634
And so abandonment, they stem from when we experience loss or rejection or even perceived abandonment in childhood or adulthood.

00:02:47.655 --> 00:02:52.742
And that could be something like a parent died They didn't choose to leave us.

00:02:52.918 --> 00:02:55.457
But it still feels like we got left alone.

00:02:55.527 --> 00:02:55.837
Yeah.

00:02:55.837 --> 00:03:01.258
So we're perceiving that as feeling abandoned and feeling left.

00:03:01.877 --> 00:03:07.328
So that develops this schema where you feel this loss.

00:03:07.818 --> 00:03:08.457
And because

00:03:08.457 --> 00:03:08.638
of

00:03:08.638 --> 00:03:13.627
that, people become unstable in relationships or unreliable or unpredictable.

00:03:13.907 --> 00:03:23.038
It's like that moment where, if you're fighting with your partner and you have one fight and you're like, Looking for apartments online now because you're like, that's it.

00:03:23.057 --> 00:03:23.747
It's over.

00:03:24.348 --> 00:03:24.747
You go from

00:03:24.747 --> 00:03:27.328
like one extreme thinking, this is it.

00:03:27.337 --> 00:03:28.638
They're gonna leave me.

00:03:28.858 --> 00:03:30.457
I can't trust anybody.

00:03:30.467 --> 00:03:32.048
Nobody loves me.

00:03:32.098 --> 00:03:33.717
I can't count on anyone.

00:03:33.717 --> 00:03:38.728
And you have this cyclical, negative thought pattern going in your head.

00:03:39.057 --> 00:03:43.467
You're just worried all the time that people are going to leave you or you're going to lose people.

00:03:43.598 --> 00:03:46.987
That comes into different conditions like borderline personality disorder.

00:03:46.987 --> 00:03:49.937
We talked about that briefly, a couple of podcasts ago.

00:03:50.268 --> 00:03:54.125
it also comes in place with anxiety disorders or depression.

00:03:54.514 --> 00:04:02.715
because of these feeling like people leave you, whether real or not, it doesn't mean that if you have abandonment issues, you're one of those three things, by the way.

00:04:02.764 --> 00:04:03.074
Right.

00:04:03.085 --> 00:04:03.354
It

00:04:03.405 --> 00:04:05.074
encompasses so many things.

00:04:05.074 --> 00:04:12.495
We're just using our limited time to give a few examples of what this can stem from.

00:04:12.594 --> 00:04:16.964
Abandonment can look like you think that your boyfriend is going to leave you.

00:04:17.235 --> 00:04:20.235
You're always worried that he's not fully there.

00:04:20.245 --> 00:04:22.214
Even though he says I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

00:04:22.689 --> 00:04:25.060
But you feel like he's going to leave you all the time.

00:04:25.699 --> 00:04:27.100
Yeah, needing constant

00:04:27.100 --> 00:04:28.149
reassurance.

00:04:28.189 --> 00:04:29.600
And being kind of needy sometimes.

00:04:29.629 --> 00:04:30.670
Or clingy.

00:04:30.680 --> 00:04:31.000
Yes.

00:04:31.019 --> 00:04:38.439
Um,, it can lead to being super mistrustful of people even if they've never done anything to cause mistrust.

00:04:38.449 --> 00:04:50.139
And it leads to It's a hard time really forming and then maintaining relationships when you feel like everybody can't be trusted or everybody's going to leave you.

00:04:50.220 --> 00:04:55.016
Also, you don't know how to be vulnerable because it's a really scary thing.

00:04:55.377 --> 00:04:57.927
And that's people who are super independent.

00:04:57.987 --> 00:04:59.406
I can do this all by myself.

00:04:59.617 --> 00:05:02.680
Super independent people typically is from trauma.

00:05:02.839 --> 00:05:03.639
Yeah, that's me.

00:05:03.920 --> 00:05:03.980
Yeah,

00:05:04.620 --> 00:05:04.870
right.

00:05:04.910 --> 00:05:09.740
Or fear of it creates a fear of intimacy that you can't rely on anybody.

00:05:09.740 --> 00:05:12.810
So you just don't want to ever be vulnerable.

00:05:12.810 --> 00:05:14.410
You don't want to open yourself up to that.

00:05:14.410 --> 00:05:16.339
You don't want to ask anybody for help

00:05:16.589 --> 00:05:20.209
because it hurts and you don't want to get hurt and you were let down somewhere.

00:05:20.500 --> 00:05:23.560
My bio father was never really around.

00:05:23.870 --> 00:05:30.824
Growing up and so that left me being super independent and not trusting Honestly, a partner.

00:05:31.084 --> 00:05:33.675
And it was really hard to put past that.

00:05:33.704 --> 00:05:37.834
the scenario I talked about earlier was every time you got into a fight, you're looking for an apartment.

00:05:37.964 --> 00:05:41.545
Well, I was doing that a lot and I was like, okay, I need to work on that.

00:05:41.834 --> 00:05:46.985
And so that is something I worked on to not feel like that and to learn, to trust people.

00:05:47.204 --> 00:05:48.014
So it's hard.

00:05:48.245 --> 00:05:48.634
Yeah.

00:05:48.634 --> 00:05:55.144
It's really hard to heal from those abandonment schemas because they are ingrained in us.

00:05:55.610 --> 00:06:17.307
Usually from a young age that we are perceiving or we think this is how the world should be around us because that's what we have experienced, whether it was like a parent leaving or a grandparent or a death or, a best friend having to move far away, like all these things can trigger, what abandonment is to different people.

00:06:18.076 --> 00:06:25.346
People have abandonment issues from friends that all of a sudden turned on them in elementary school, you know,, the mean girl stuff.

00:06:25.346 --> 00:06:29.593
And now they don't know how to make friends anymore because they don't trust.

00:06:29.723 --> 00:06:31.463
They feel like they're going to be abandoned.

00:06:31.783 --> 00:06:37.197
it makes it really difficult for people to make friends or to find connections.

00:06:38.336 --> 00:06:46.367
So how do these abandonment schemas and the impact of them really affect women's mental health?

00:06:46.786 --> 00:06:49.476
It leads to low self esteem.

00:06:49.762 --> 00:06:58.982
Fear of rejection, anxiety, depression, difficult forming and maintaining these relationships because healthy relationships, exactly.

00:06:59.002 --> 00:07:04.651
Because how can you have a healthy relationship with somebody if you're not going to trust and be vulnerable with them?

00:07:05.057 --> 00:07:10.247
If you're not going, you can't, they maintain very surface level all the

00:07:10.257 --> 00:07:10.687
time.

00:07:11.682 --> 00:07:15.372
are common signs that we can look for?

00:07:15.464 --> 00:07:18.355
In women that are having abandonment issues.

00:07:19.175 --> 00:07:20.615
sensitive to rejection.

00:07:20.975 --> 00:07:26.274
Oh, listen to our podcast about rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria.

00:07:26.447 --> 00:07:26.927
Yeah.

00:07:26.927 --> 00:07:38.478
that's a good one right there, fear of intimacy, fear of really being yourself with somebody sexually that right there is a really hard thing for a lot of women to do to be themselves.

00:07:38.827 --> 00:07:40.367
difficulty trusting others?

00:07:40.377 --> 00:07:41.307
What are some other ones?

00:07:41.548 --> 00:07:42.718
pushing people away.

00:07:42.992 --> 00:07:58.572
A lot of times we will keep pushing the envelope with people, whether that's annoying them or becoming super naggy with somebody just to see if they will eventually leave because we're perceiving in our head that everybody's going to leave.

00:07:58.952 --> 00:08:06.463
So you're going to keep pushing that person again and again and again to see what is going to make them break and that's not healthy.

00:08:06.473 --> 00:08:09.202
It's not healthy because eventually you are going to push them away.

00:08:09.202 --> 00:08:12.723
It's not that they're abandoning you, you push them away.

00:08:13.093 --> 00:08:16.403
And that is a hard one to understand because you're like, no, no, they left.

00:08:16.903 --> 00:08:20.403
No, no, you push them away and you told them to leave so they left.

00:08:20.432 --> 00:08:21.812
They took the signs.

00:08:22.069 --> 00:08:26.800
so it's really hard for women, and men to recognize when that happens.

00:08:27.403 --> 00:08:30.822
Randi, can abandonment issues lead to other mental health conditions?

00:08:30.892 --> 00:08:48.692
Yeah, like we mentioned before it can perpetuate anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, and especially borderline personality disorder where you already have a fear of rejection and you tend to hyper focus on relationships.

00:08:48.701 --> 00:08:52.131
So this can, exacerbate that even more.

00:08:53.455 --> 00:09:01.014
But just how can we move forward and heal as women from abandonment traumas that we have in our past?

00:09:01.543 --> 00:09:05.692
I think the first thing is you have to recognize that you're doing this.

00:09:06.013 --> 00:09:12.503
You have to recognize that you are afraid to connect or that you are having these issues.

00:09:12.523 --> 00:09:15.883
And so you have to have the self reflection piece of it.

00:09:15.893 --> 00:09:22.158
You got to be able to look at yourself, self awareness and be like, okay, this is what's going on and then go get that.

00:09:22.307 --> 00:09:32.618
Therapy, the cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT is what's really going to help change that thought process, build supportive connections Self compassion.

00:09:32.807 --> 00:09:35.028
Oh, we do not practice self compassion.

00:09:35.048 --> 00:09:35.298
We are

00:09:35.298 --> 00:09:38.067
not very nice to ourselves, especially as women.

00:09:38.097 --> 00:09:44.857
We really talk down to ourselves and as a society, we look down on women as a whole.

00:09:44.868 --> 00:09:52.258
So really practicing talking to yourself in a positive manner and kindly can have a huge impact.

00:09:52.268 --> 00:09:52.628
Yeah.

00:09:52.628 --> 00:10:00.307
And really just develop healthy coping mechanisms, say for the instance, when you do get into a fight, to not instantly go.

00:10:00.327 --> 00:10:06.062
To look for apartments, but to maybe take a deep breath and remind yourself that you can work through this

00:10:06.162 --> 00:10:24.777
Yeah And talking to your partner to about these fears that you have and maybe why you do overreact in certain situations So they're aware a lot of times we expect our partners to be mind readers And we, we haven't explained our triggers or our trauma to them.

00:10:24.787 --> 00:10:40.917
So how are they supposed to know how to help us or walk through these situations with us if they have no idea what we have been through in our own lives, because we aren't communicating it and we're not admitting it to ourselves or our partners.

00:10:41.220 --> 00:10:43.879
There's a theory called attachment theory.

00:10:44.115 --> 00:10:44.934
Are you familiar with that?

00:10:44.934 --> 00:10:45.414
Yes.

00:10:45.695 --> 00:10:51.778
there's four different attachment theories, that you can have and it is going to be, secure.

00:10:51.807 --> 00:10:53.467
we form secure attachments.

00:10:53.847 --> 00:10:58.278
There's an anxious, there's avoidant, and then there's an anxious avoidant.

00:10:58.748 --> 00:11:02.977
And so we all fall somewhere into these attachments.

00:11:03.273 --> 00:11:05.113
based upon how we grew up.

00:11:05.202 --> 00:11:13.730
And so the abandonment person normally will go into avoidant or go into the anxious avoidant because they're afraid.

00:11:13.730 --> 00:11:16.220
And so they don't attach securely.

00:11:16.394 --> 00:11:16.804
Right.

00:11:16.875 --> 00:11:19.445
Which is a whole interesting concept, to be honest.

00:11:19.455 --> 00:11:31.567
So that leads into not being able to form healthy relationships and the constant need for reassurance and the fear of intimacy and difficulty trusting others.

00:11:32.447 --> 00:11:41.544
So what are some self help strategies that women can utilize to cope with these abandonment issues and work through

00:11:41.544 --> 00:11:41.894
them?

00:11:42.414 --> 00:11:44.565
Journaling is a huge piece.

00:11:44.960 --> 00:11:53.039
being able to recognize it and journal your thoughts so that way you can go back and read it and say, is that really what happened?

00:11:53.312 --> 00:11:57.192
is that really what this person was saying or doing?

00:11:57.506 --> 00:11:57.777
Right.

00:11:58.076 --> 00:12:06.701
Or was it just a response to my schema and these triggers and my perceived notions of people leaving me.

00:12:06.772 --> 00:12:07.542
Exactly.

00:12:07.601 --> 00:12:18.302
practice mindfulness, being able to breathe, being able to center yourself, self care, taking time with yourself, getting out in nature, reconnecting, grounding.

00:12:18.412 --> 00:12:18.631
Yeah.

00:12:18.741 --> 00:12:20.731
So I was just going to say walk barefoot, go walk

00:12:20.731 --> 00:12:21.241
barefoot.

00:12:21.572 --> 00:12:29.905
setting boundaries, you know, changing those negative thought patterns is is really, truly just being able to challenge it.

00:12:30.066 --> 00:12:39.855
Randy has this great thing that she does a CPT saying, imagine a stop sign, stop, stop the thought and let's look at it and maybe rephrase that in our heads.

00:12:39.936 --> 00:12:40.296
Yeah.

00:12:40.296 --> 00:12:46.176
Reframe it and look at it from all perspectives and be nice to ourselves.

00:12:47.306 --> 00:12:52.222
So when should we seek professional help for abandonment issues?

00:12:52.293 --> 00:12:55.003
I think we should have a therapist in our pocket all the time anyway.

00:12:55.072 --> 00:12:56.023
I mean, I agree.

00:12:56.023 --> 00:12:57.273
I, life is.

00:12:57.347 --> 00:12:58.538
It's freaking hard.

00:12:58.648 --> 00:12:59.388
Exactly.

00:12:59.677 --> 00:13:11.967
but really seek help when it's impacting your daily life, when it's impacting your relationships or emotional well being, how do you tell that when you're not happy or when you feel like everyone's leaving you?

00:13:12.691 --> 00:13:15.341
how about Randy, can abandonment issues

00:13:15.341 --> 00:13:16.890
be resolved completely?

00:13:17.331 --> 00:13:21.890
like anything we talk about, it really varies from person to person.

00:13:22.360 --> 00:13:39.860
Each journey is so individualized and so I feel with therapy and coping skills and tools in your box that you can definitely improve the impact that abandonment issues have on yourself with the proper therapy.

00:13:40.240 --> 00:13:43.971
With self reflection and with healing work.

00:13:44.400 --> 00:13:59.490
And when you take the steps to understand and process your trauma and your abandonment experiences, it helps you walk through the pain of abandonment.

00:14:00.294 --> 00:14:06.154
So just how important is it to share your struggle with abandonment with others?

00:14:06.668 --> 00:14:10.577
Sharing it with others or sharing it with trusted individuals.

00:14:10.998 --> 00:14:15.138
I don't think you need to share it necessarily with your, checkout clerk at Target.

00:14:15.597 --> 00:14:15.908
Yeah.

00:14:16.128 --> 00:14:17.258
Though maybe, I mean, sometimes.

00:14:17.258 --> 00:14:18.878
I mean, maybe it might actually be okay.

00:14:19.217 --> 00:14:24.927
But I also think that sharing and processing it with somebody who you trust, who's safe.

00:14:25.878 --> 00:14:28.927
friends, family, therapists, a support group.

00:14:29.298 --> 00:14:40.990
Any of those things that you can get reflection in is good, especially if you can help process it and really create the connections and just break all of this isolation.

00:14:40.990 --> 00:14:43.311
Women are so isolated in our thoughts.

00:14:43.780 --> 00:14:47.770
We are so lost in our thoughts because we think we're alone because we don't talk about it.

00:14:47.770 --> 00:14:48.081
Yeah.

00:14:48.081 --> 00:14:52.980
So when we find this support, then we can be validated.

00:14:53.176 --> 00:14:53.605
Yeah.

00:14:53.605 --> 00:14:54.466
And what we're feeling.

00:14:54.505 --> 00:14:58.696
And that creates a pathway of us to move through it.

00:14:58.885 --> 00:14:59.336
Mm hmm.

00:14:59.596 --> 00:15:03.745
And I think that falls into prioritizing your mental health.

00:15:04.096 --> 00:15:07.916
When you're dealing with anything in life, not just abandonment issues.

00:15:07.975 --> 00:15:08.375
Yeah.

00:15:08.645 --> 00:15:13.936
I think a lot of people think that when we have to do self care or prioritize our mental health, it's like this checklist.

00:15:14.235 --> 00:15:19.285
We have to go through and do all of these 10 things to know that we took care of ourselves that day.

00:15:19.365 --> 00:15:21.086
And that's just more stressful at times.

00:15:21.096 --> 00:15:22.086
Exactly.

00:15:22.285 --> 00:15:26.605
Part of it is like the self care bingo, What can you do in 20 minutes?

00:15:26.615 --> 00:15:26.905
Yeah.

00:15:26.905 --> 00:15:28.985
Or five minutes, if that's all you have.

00:15:28.985 --> 00:15:41.115
Sometimes I have to break it down because my day is, can get so overwhelming that I have to focus on one good thing I can just do for myself, whether that's five minutes of breathing, five minutes of reading.

00:15:41.125 --> 00:15:43.456
An extra five minutes in the shower of just

00:15:43.466 --> 00:15:44.655
standing there quietly.

00:15:44.655 --> 00:15:45.865
If no one's asking for you.

00:15:45.865 --> 00:15:45.936
Okay.

00:15:46.105 --> 00:16:04.765
I give myself, one joyful thing a day that I can look forward to, whether that's maybe doing a craft, or, reading a book, or going for a walk, and I just give myself one thing that I can try to strive for that's going to help me maintain my balance in the day that's for my, myself.

00:16:04.791 --> 00:16:08.331
For my self care, for things that I enjoy.

00:16:08.331 --> 00:16:11.260
And it doesn't have to be monetary, like we've talked about before.

00:16:11.301 --> 00:16:14.191
Self care doesn't have to, mean spending money.

00:16:14.201 --> 00:16:16.510
It just spending time with yourself.

00:16:16.740 --> 00:16:18.961
I always think she's talking dirty when she does that.

00:16:19.051 --> 00:16:20.650
But I mean, that can be it too.

00:16:20.650 --> 00:16:22.921
I mean, if that's what you need, stress release.

00:16:22.921 --> 00:16:24.091
I mean, get it girl.

00:16:25.091 --> 00:16:25.431
Okay.

00:16:25.431 --> 00:16:27.585
So from a mental health perspective.

00:16:28.289 --> 00:16:36.649
These issues really contribute to long term chronic stress and anxiety, feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

00:16:36.679 --> 00:16:41.980
So many women feel that they are not worthy and I don't know where we learn that.

00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:44.244
It's time that we unlearn that.

00:16:44.774 --> 00:16:50.274
You are worthy just because of who you are, just being you right now.

00:16:50.504 --> 00:16:55.375
And as Randy has said before, I just want you to say out loud, I am worthy.

00:16:56.034 --> 00:16:57.004
I am worthy.

00:16:57.455 --> 00:16:59.125
I am worthy of love.

00:17:00.065 --> 00:17:02.174
I am worthy of belonging.

00:17:03.414 --> 00:17:05.565
I am worthy of a relationship.

00:17:05.664 --> 00:17:08.095
I am worthy of a healthy relationship.

00:17:08.115 --> 00:17:09.884
I am worthy of self care.

00:17:09.894 --> 00:17:17.075
I am worthy of sitting down and watching that, cheesy show if that's what you feel you need for that moment.

00:17:17.105 --> 00:17:17.474
I am

00:17:17.474 --> 00:17:19.595
worthy of self compassion.

00:17:19.714 --> 00:17:27.244
I am worthy of making the time to care for myself, to call a therapist, to call a friend.

00:17:27.718 --> 00:17:37.099
You are worthy too of building supportive relationships that you can trust and you won't feel abandoned by.

00:17:37.509 --> 00:17:44.619
And being able to really recognize and acknowledge the root causes, where these feelings came from.

00:17:44.839 --> 00:17:50.750
Once you can figure that out, it is so much easier to go, okay, I know what's going on right now.

00:17:51.115 --> 00:17:55.066
I can figure out this is coming from this and then you can work on it.

00:17:55.086 --> 00:17:56.425
Does it ever go away?

00:17:56.955 --> 00:18:01.596
No, sometimes that sneaky shit pops back in and that's when you go up up.

00:18:02.076 --> 00:18:02.976
I recognize this.

00:18:02.976 --> 00:18:03.346
Hang on.

00:18:03.395 --> 00:18:05.246
Let me go work on that with my therapist.

00:18:05.465 --> 00:18:05.816
Yeah.

00:18:05.895 --> 00:18:14.766
But if you know that you have, These things that you can pull out of, I call them your toolbox, that you can rely on when you are having those moments.

00:18:15.056 --> 00:18:17.215
It makes you more resilient.

00:18:17.726 --> 00:18:18.336
It does.

00:18:18.395 --> 00:18:28.576
And there's so many different ways, because I want you to feel that you're worthy just because, and here's what I tell everybody I work with, my kids, everybody.

00:18:29.346 --> 00:18:39.875
Because somebody chose to leave, whether that was deaf, literally walking out the door, not showing up, that isn't about you, that is about them.

00:18:40.385 --> 00:18:41.925
And you don't need to carry that.

00:18:41.965 --> 00:18:42.846
You don't need to carry it.

00:18:42.885 --> 00:18:48.175
If your dad left, it wasn't because you're not good enough, it's because he was not good enough.

00:18:48.355 --> 00:18:48.625
Exactly.

00:18:48.635 --> 00:18:54.461
If your mom was never around, it had nothing to do with you, it had everything to do with her.

00:18:54.800 --> 00:19:03.480
And that's why CBT therapy and DBT therapy is so important because it teaches you to reframe those negative thoughts that you have.

00:19:03.810 --> 00:19:05.060
It's, it's like traffic.

00:19:05.181 --> 00:19:08.570
If you're in traffic and somebody cuts you off, it isn't because of you.

00:19:08.580 --> 00:19:09.701
They don't even know you.

00:19:10.131 --> 00:19:12.131
For the most part, they're not paying attention.

00:19:12.131 --> 00:19:12.911
They're running late.

00:19:12.921 --> 00:19:14.070
They're an asshole, whatever.

00:19:14.101 --> 00:19:15.050
That's them.

00:19:15.601 --> 00:19:20.520
And if you can start to look at that as other people in your life and things that have happened, it isn't.

00:19:20.875 --> 00:19:25.036
Because of you, unless you're being an asshole or a jerk, that's you.

00:19:25.365 --> 00:19:28.925
But if the lady at, the grocery store is angry, that isn't about you.

00:19:28.925 --> 00:19:38.086
Unless you've run into her cart five times, it's being able to recognize that these issues, yes, you took them on because you were a child, but you don't have to

00:19:38.086 --> 00:19:39.056
keep carrying them around.

00:19:39.645 --> 00:19:40.185
Right.

00:19:40.615 --> 00:19:44.165
And that's why healing from abandonment is a journey.

00:19:44.645 --> 00:19:57.786
And you might take 10 steps forward and 10 steps back, but as long as you're trying and you find support along the way, you can find healing and peace with this.

00:19:58.096 --> 00:19:58.465
Yeah.

00:19:58.546 --> 00:20:01.586
it is a journey and get help and seek support.