Tips for Having a Healthier Relationship with ADHD Rage as a Woman

Randi: 0:14

Welcome to the Women's Mental Health Podcast with Randi and Jess, two licensed psychotherapists, where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's up and downs and how it's all normal and you're

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not alone. You are not alone and you are in the right place. In

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today's episode, we're delving into a topic that is often misunderstood, ADHD, rage in women.

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ADHD rage is a prevalent experience among women with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, but it's often misunderstood or attributed to something else. And I'm laughing because that's Randy's favorite word, misdiagnosis.

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Yes, because it happens all the time. All the time. So we're going to delve into the unique challenges that women with ADHD face, including emotional dysregulation, which means like your emotions are kind of all over the place, difficulty managing frustration, irritability, will provide insight into how ADHD rage can manifest and offer guidance on coping strategies to help navigate these intense emotions.

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Find us and more information on womensmentalhealthpodcast. com.

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Have you ever had these

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thoughts? What exactly is ADHD

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rage? How common is ADHD rage in women?

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What causes ADHD rage?

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How can I manage my ADHD rage?

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How can ADHD rage affect relationships?

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I'm so embarrassed that I lost my shit. What do I do now? We're laughing

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because it happens. It so happens.

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And why do I do that? Like, why? Why am I the way I am?

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And how do I fix it? That's the next one is how do I fix that like the eating crow after I just told somebody they were an asshole?

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So we need to start with understanding what ADHD rage is and how it manifests in us as women.

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ADHD rage refers to intense emotional outbursts that can occur due to the challenges of many ADHD

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symptoms. women experiencing this might feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and feel like they're struggling to get a hold of their emotions effectively.

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And it is crucial to understand that these outbursts are not defining who you are as a person or your personal character, but rather these are a result of neurological differences associated with ADHD.

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And I think that's very important to point out. That you are not your mental illness, you are not your ADHD. These are symptoms, they're a component of who you are, but they don't make who you are as a whole.

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A lot of times when ADHD rage happens, it's because women become flooded. And flooded is when like All of a sudden everything happens at once and you're so overwhelmed that like your senses just can't handle any more to where the dog can set you off and you've now lost your shit. And everybody's now hiding from mom because you have just been flooded with way too much.

Randi: 3:12

Yeah. And I get that way too with my ADHD. It's like all of a sudden, like you said, like too much noise or just people asking me too many things at once. And I just like hit a wall and like boom. And many women with ADHD struggle with this, but they struggle with it in silence. I don't think it's very Commonly talked about and who wants to talk about being like in a rage you don't

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want to be like, Hey, how are you? I'm raging. Yeah, I'm raging. No, no, no. It used to be something different when I was a kid, right? So with women, we experience it different because we're women. It affects us differently than men because our ADHD affects us differently. you had talked about being overwhelmed like too many questions. We had done an event Randy and I a couple months ago. Okay. Maybe like a year ago. And my meds had worn off. It was like late Friday night. No, it was like three months ago.

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Was it

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three? Yeah. Yeah. And so all of a sudden I had 20 women. Asking me questions at once. I could

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just see her like turn around and like shut down. She did not know what to do.

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And that's not normally me, but everybody, I was like uh, uh, uh, you know, and it was so awesome that one of the moms that was there, she's also a PA she came over and like, Hey, how can I help you? And I was like, Oh, thank God. Cause she could see that I was just like going deer and headlights. I didn't rage because I was like, okay, this isn't the proper place. Don't rage here. Cause I was like, I don't have the answers for this. Where's Randy? I don't know.

Randi: 4:40

Exactly. And think too, if you're undiagnosed or misdiagnosed and you. Don't even know why you're feeling frustrated or why you're all over the place with your emotions That's gonna lead to an even bigger buildup. we were both diagnosed later in life So our whole life we thought something's wrong, you know with us until we had an answer and oh, it's not wrong We have an executive function deficit In our brain, this is a neurological disorder. I'm going to say that again. This is a neurological disorder.

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Recognizing this, especially with women, it is the key to offering support and understanding. Like even that night I just described, I was like, yeah, my ADHD, I'm done.

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And just having one person reach out, though, helped calm you and center you. So if you see somebody else. That maybe looks like, oh gosh, like they look like they're spinning or something. Reach out a kind word, a kind hand can I help you? Do you need to take a minute to breathe? Anything like that. And I think it's important too, to recognize that very. difference in the gender specific dynamic of ADHD so that we can understand and support it better. Women have different hormones than men. We have different needs. We have different thought processes. And so it's important to understand that too, to be kind to ourselves and the process of when we are being more emotionally volatile.

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also as women, I think we're expected to be more emotionally composed. Like I said, at that moment wasn't time for me to be like

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uh, Suck it up and sit down. Yeah. Pull up your boots by your bootstrap. Put on your big girl panties. Oh my God. We could go off

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with the toxic positivity. I think that's what often leads to us dismissing our own struggles and dismissing other people's struggles too, is that we're like, Oh, they should have it together.

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Or she's just PMSing, things like that. So That contributes to it being undiagnosed or misdiagnosed because it's not as recognized as this being normal. Those factors contribute to ADHD rage being less recognized in women and ADHD overall being misdiagnosed and undiagnosed.

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how are we supposed to manage our emotions and navigate this ADHD rage? And I mean by rage, it's it literally is those moments where you lose your shit. You're just like, ah, you have to throw something. I remember being little, like brain flash here. I remember being little and like being mad and throwing things because I was so just frustrated. Like I couldn't say the words. I

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still throw things when I'm frustrated.

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I tell my clients. Throw sock balls, Throw something that you're not going to be upset if you break. Go to a break it place. Oh yeah, a rage

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room. Go to a rage room. Those are very therapeutic, I am going to say, as a therapist. Those are actually very therapeutic. So let's discuss some self care strategies that can help us as women manage emotions and prevent these

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outbursts. Exactly. Cause you can't always be like, hang on. I'll be back in an hour after I go to a rage room. So mindfulness, it is so important to practice mindfulness. We've talked about it before in other podcasts practice something that you can listen The same one all the time because once you listen to it, your body is going to go, Oh, I know how to do this and it's going to fall into that again and again. So don't always switch it up. Just listen to the same one. So your body can go, Oh, okay, I can do that.

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Grounding exercises are helpful to talking to yourself in a positive way, going out and taking a walk. We just talked about silent walking and things like that. Those are very good. grounding exercises that you can do to create that self care routine for you and support your emotional well being.

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Learning different emotional regulation techniques. I've talked about it before, blow bubbles. You can't blow bubbles when you're angry or you're raging and who wants to be mad at bubbles? So blow bubbles calm yourself that way.

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Go outside put your feet in the grass. So you're touching something. Listen to a sound. If you hear a bird chirping, look for something in the distance. You're grounding yourself in the moment. So you want something that you can feel Touch, taste, utilizing your senses to ground you and regulate yourself in the moment. Those

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are those five, things, I always get them wrong, even though I'm a therapist, Five things you can see around you, four things you can hear, maybe it's five things you can touch. Anyway, five things you can touch, four things you can. Here are

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three things you can see, I don't know, one thing you can taste, two things you can touch. Things like that. You get the idea. We should probably like

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research that later and put that back up. But yeah, but there are different techniques that you can even put on your phone so you can remember it which is part of education, The other is journaling. Randy and I have gone through, we have a couple of different journals up on Amazon to help with this coloring.

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Yes, and engaging in things that you find enjoyment in, hobbies, taking time for yourself, whether that's sewing, or knitting, or diamond painting, whatever that looks like for you. For me, it's buying crafts. Okay,

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for me, it's actually building things, so I'm always out in the garage or on the side of the house doing different stuff, or in the garden.

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But these things are all essential tools for us as women to better manage our emotions and navigate the challenges that can come with ADHD

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rage. One of the things about rage though, is that it doesn't just affect us. It also affects our relationships, It, affects how we communicate with our loved ones our children

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So, How can we effectively communicate our struggles about ADHD and rage and emotional dysregulation with our loved ones?

Jess: 10:35

Having an open conversation about ADHD and its challenges. I just had this with my husband yesterday or the day before we were doing a hobby and we were using this like blue and yellow paint and my husband walks in and goes, you chose bowling ball colors. And my daughter and I were really offended. Mm-hmm. we both got our feelings hurt. Yeah. And he was like, that's not on me. And I said, no, but that is our rejection sensitivity dysphoria. And he was like, wait, what? And so part of it was educating again what that is. And we did a podcast on that. Mm-hmm. But really being able to say, I understand you. Your intention wasn't to hurt us. We both got offended because we weren't making bowling ball colors.

Randi: 11:16

And so having that communication, educating people about it, helping your partner, your friends, and your family also navigate this. So it's not like this whole combustible thing. Like you were able to be like, Okay, you hurt my feelings, and this is why. and this is what we can do maybe hopefully next time so that you can learn to be more sensitive and more empathetic to those that are struggling with those things around you. We are never going to know another person, all their trauma and all their sensitivities and all their mental health issues, and especially if we don't talk about it.

Jess: 11:54

Exactly. So communicate with them what it is. And there's nothing wrong with coming, I'm laughing, okay. There's nothing wrong with coming back in the room after you've had an outburst and go can I do that again? Can I have a do over? Because that wasn't my best self. Or,

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and I do that with my kids all the time. I'll be like, I'm sorry I wasn't a hole. I'm going through this right now, or this is hitting me hard right now, or I'm not feeling good right now about this, or my hormones are cycling. I'm very open about those things because I struggle with ADHD and being pre menopause and that also affects having PMDD which is PMS disorder and things. We've talked about that in other podcasts. Premenstrual dysphoria disorder. Yeah. And when all those things are... Combined it can create very combustible times, and so it is better to go back and talk about it and educate about it than hide from

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it. It is. And in our house, we do do overs. And sometimes I'll ask my, 13 year old, would you like to do that over? And that is my cue to her like, ooh, that's coming across a little hot. And so she can decide whether she wants to take a break, come back. And I've done it too. Can I have a do over? Cause that isn't exactly, I was feeling overwhelmed and you don't have to explain all of it. If you don't want to, you can just say, I'd like to redo that. I'd like cliff notes

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version,

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I'd like to do that again cause I came off a little ragey or whatever. The other thing too is really get some help. find a

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therapist. It is not a sign of weakness to reach out for help Talk about it with your girlfriends. Talk about it with your sister your aunt Whoever you might until you bring it up and have it in conversation you might Not know that they could also be experienced this or it's something that runs in your family And then when you have a therapist and a safe place to talk like that It helps you normalize this and let you know that you are not alone and they can help you walk through Navigating these techniques that we talked about like mindfulness and grounding a good therapist will walk you through those scenarios And help, I know Jess is laughing at me because I said a good therapist, but it's true, a good therapist will help you walk through these techniques or role play these techniques so that you have the education to help yourself and thus then help those around you understand you.

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better. also a good therapist is going to tell you that you're not alone. They should not make you feel crappy when you leave. It breaks my therapist heart when I hear women say this, what some of their therapists will say to them and how bad they feel. Where

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my eye is twitching. She is. She's over there

Jess: 14:44

twitching like, uh,

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the reason that we do this podcast and we are so passionate about it is because we want every listener out there to remember that they are not alone in their struggles. As a woman, as a mother, as a friend, with your ADHD rage, you are not alone. You're

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not. self awareness and self care and seeking help when you need it, these are going to be very powerful steps toward managing emotions and finding emotional balance.

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And just remember that there's always a path. To healing and growth, you have to be able to step towards it and walk it, but that path is there for you

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everybody's path is different. So just remember, they're not all

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the same. Yes. And you don't need to compare your journey to anyone else's because it's yours alone. And it might look like a giant zigzag. It might look like a knotted loop, or it might be a straight path, but that is yours and yours alone. And we. Hope if you found this episode enlightening and helpful that you subscribe, share, leave us a review and please share it with somebody that you love.

Jess: 15:53

Absolutely. Until next time, take care of yourself and prioritize your mental health.