Aug. 7, 2024
Are you ghosting or setting boundaries?
Season 3
Women's Mental Health
Self-Improvement
Society & Culture
Relationships & Boundaries
Viral Trends & Social Media
In this episode of the Women's Mental Health Podcast, we dive deep into the dance between ghosting and setting healthy boundaries—a pivotal theme that resonates deeply. Join Randi Owsley, LMSW, and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT, as they share their 22 years of combined expertise to illuminate the emotional impact of ghosting, empower us with strategies for setting boundaries, and guide us through self-healing after ghosting. Whether you're battling the sting of being ghosted, striving to establish boundaries without alienating loved ones, or seeking to understand the delicate balance between the two. Tune in for an empowering discussion that will leave you feeling seen, understood, and inspired to navigate your relationships with confidence and clarity.
If you've felt the cold shadow of ghosting or are walking the tightrope of setting boundaries, know that you're not alone. The Women's Mental Health Podcast is your sanctuary, a place where we unravel the complexities of navigating relationship boundaries, offer you a guide to overcoming ghosting, and provide you with ghosting recovery women's support. Together, we explore the impact of ghosting on mental health and arm you with self-healing strategies to foster your self-empowerment after ghosting. We believe in empowering women emotional wellness through communication skills, healthy boundaries, and mental wellness healthy relationship tips.
In the coming episodes, we're diving heart-first into a series of discussions that resonate at the core of every woman's journey towards emotional wellness and self-discovery. From the shadows of ghosting to the light of empowerment, we understand the profound impact these experiences hold over our sense of self and our relationships. We will walk hand in hand through the empowerment journey of Surviving Ghosting, listen to heart-touching Healing from Ghosting Women's Stories, and learn the importance of Boundaries in Dating for Women's Health.
Questions We answer:
What is ghosting, and how is it different from setting boundaries?
Is ghosting ever considered a form of setting boundaries?
What are the psychological effects of being ghosted?
How can I cope with the emotional impact of being ghosted?
Can setting boundaries lead to healthier relationships?
What should I do if someone I care about starts ghosting me?
How can I communicate my boundaries without feeling guilty or selfish?
Are there any long-term consequences of ghosting someone on my own mental health?
We have new and exciting episodes coming up. So be sure to follow us. If you're following us on Apple, hit plus follow at the top on the podcast.
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Women's Mental Health Podcast, created by licensed psychotherapists Randi Owsley MSW and Jessica Bullwinkle LMFT, offers resources for those navigating mental health. This podcast or social media are not psychotherapy, a replacement for a therapeutic relationship, or substitute for mental health care. All thoughts expressed are for educational and entertainment purposes, no psychotherapeutic relationship exists by virtue of listening, commenting, or engaging. Our platform could contain affiliate links, which if used, might earn us a small commission at no extra cost to you.
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If this episode resonated with you, we warmly welcome you to explore more empowering conversations on the Women's Mental Health Podcast. Each episode is designed to connect, educate, and uplift our strong and resilient listeners, just like you.
- Hear real-life stories and experiences in "Navigating Anxiety and Panic: Understanding the Difference,"
- Stand strong with others who are "Breaking the Stigma: Living with RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)"
- Be part of breaking barriers in"Unmasking ADHD in Women: Late Diagnosis and Beyond,"
- Discover constructive strategies in "Tips for Having a Healthier Relationship with ADHD Rage as a Woman," and
- Learn relationship-building wisdom in "Predicting Relationship Success: John Gottman and the Four Horseman."
Together, we grow, learn, and empower one another. Together, we break stigmas.
#Empowerment, #MentalHealth, #BreakTheStigma
Transcript
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Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast.
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I'm randy.
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I'm And I'm Jess.
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And we are two licensed psychotherapists, and this is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges.
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And how all of this is normal, and you are not alone.
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Today, we're tackling a topic that's become increasingly relevant in our digital age.
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Ghosting versus setting boundaries.
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We're going to define both concepts.
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I think we all know what ghosting is, but we're going to go ahead and define that, discuss why they're called ghosting and why setting boundaries is important.
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and we're going to talk about how it affects our mental health as women and teach some better boundary setting skills for you guys.
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You can find us and more resources on womensmentalhealthpodcast.
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com.
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Have you ever had these thoughts?
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What is ghosting and how is it different from setting boundaries?
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Is ghosting ever considered a form of setting boundaries?
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How can I set boundaries without making other people feel like they've been ghosted?
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Why do people even ghost others?
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Because they're assholes.
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What are the psychological effects of being ghosted?
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How can I cope with the emotional impact of being ghosted?
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Can setting boundaries lead to healthier relationships?
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What should I do if someone I care about starts to ghost me or is starting to set really strong boundaries?
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How can I communicate my boundaries without
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feeling guilty or selfish?
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Are there any long term consequences of ghosting someone on my own mental health or setting really hard boundaries
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with someone as well?
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So let's start by defining the term ghosting.
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Ghosting is a term used to describe the act of suddenly cutting off all communication without explanation.
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So it's often seen in the dating world, but it can also happen in friendships or with professional relationships.
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And the person who is ghosted is often left feeling like there's no closure or they're confused why this relationship or friendship has ended.
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Where, yeah, exactly.
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Right.
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They're like, what's going on.
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Right.
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So on the other hand, setting boundaries involves very clear communication limits or rules in a relationship that protects your mental health and emotional well being.
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It's intentional, it's respectful, it's a way to establish with others how you want to be treated, what behaviors are acceptable, and what are not.
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And this can help you make sure
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that your values are honored.
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So the term ghosting comes from the idea of someone disappearing like a ghost, like poof, So suddenly without a trace and it's a phenomenon that has become more and more common with the rise of social media and digital communication where people can easily cut ties and ignore messages or they can block contacts and this makes me think of that MTV show that was popular for a long time, catfishing.
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Where like people would just say they were somebody or somebody else.
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And then just cut off communication.
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And the person is like, what's happening?
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I thought we were in love.
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Well, and I think everybody has been ghosted or has ghosted somebody.
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Yeah.
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Whether intentionally or not, but I think everybody has at least been ghosted once.
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Whether it's part of the mean girl club, whether it was somebody you're dating or that was trying to date you.
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I think everyone's experienced this.
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Yeah.
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When we set boundaries, it is telling people how you want to be treated.
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Imagine it like this.
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Being on a freeway or highway, there are lines that are solid.
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There are lines that are dotted.
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We have those little bumpy things.
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We have, some of us have the high occupancy or carpool lanes.
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We have, big dividers in the middle of our freeway.
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freeways or highways.
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Right.
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Everybody
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has different limits, right?
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And like for some people, they might want to get right up to that line in the middle of the freeway and other people, maybe they want a three foot, space.
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Exactly.
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Exactly.
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And some people, if you don't signal and say, Hey, I'm coming over, they bump you and there's an accident.
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So imagine that's what boundaries are, what you're willing to tolerate, what you're not going to tolerate.
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And every time we get resentful.
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We should have had a better boundary.
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If I'm like son of a bitch Why did I do that?
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Damn it.
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That's not what I wanted.
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Okay, what could I have done differently, right?
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It should have set a
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stronger boundary.
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Exactly.
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So let's discuss how these behaviors can affect us as women and our mental health So when you are ghosted, it can be a deeply hurtful experience.
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It can lead you to be confused, feeling rejected, maybe having, self doubt about yourself.
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What did I do?
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What's wrong with me?
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Things like that.
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And so with the lack of closure, it can really leave you questioning what went wrong and sometimes can trigger anxiety or depressive symptoms.
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And it can also Undermine your self esteem because a lot of times, especially as women, we internalize rejection and we take that on that we did something wrong and we're unworthy of the relationship and when that usually is not the case when somebody goes to you, it usually has something more to do with them than you.
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I
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love that you said rejection because that's what ghosting feels like.
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Ghosting feels like I was rejected or you were rejected.
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And it isn't usually, like you said, about you.
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It is about that person, whether it's, they don't have time, they're not into you, they can't handle your drama.
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Maybe that's about you, but at the same time, it really is about them.
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But we still feel rejected.
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And so it's important because that is how we start to look at ourselves in future relationships.
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Exactly.
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Whether it's friendships, girlfriendships.
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Girlfriendships?
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Is that a word?
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Oh, you
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just made it one.
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Girlfriendships.
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I like that.
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I do too, actually.
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But yeah, that's how it sets forward.
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If we use boundaries and we set them in a healthy way, it really can increase our mental health because we know we've set this boundaries.
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It allows us to protect our emotional well being by making it very clear what we will again and will not accept in relationships.
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And this clarity can reduce anxiety and resentment.
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See, there's that R word resentment.
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in individuals, and it helps others feel very empowered because they can advocate for their needs.
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And when you can advocate for your needs, you feel like a badass.
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Yeah.
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And when you feel in control of the situation, whether someone does ghost you or not, and you have already clearly set boundaries, and then this happens, you can know, okay, I've done what I need to do on my side of this whole thing.
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Friendship or relationship.
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So that's on them, and you can move forward with it when you feel secure and yourself, but we need to talk about how setting boundaries is so difficult.
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It's, it's hard to do even with Jess and I having years of, schooling and therapy and working with our clients.
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It's still hard to do even on a personal level, especially as women and especially where we are taught as women to say yes to everything and be everything and do everything like we talk about in our kin keeping series and stuff like that.
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And that when we say no or when we set a boundary, we're being rude or we're being a bitch or we're being uncooperative or we're not being a team player, and that's ridiculous.
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And we then.
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struggle with guilt over this or fear or feeling bad if we assert these boundaries and that's bullshit.
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It is bullshit.
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The other thing too, is that most of us are very giving, giving of our time, giving of our, whatever it is that we have to offer.
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And people will take advantage of that.
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If we don't set hard boundaries, we will.
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they'll be like, Oh, well, her time's not important or, Oh, that doesn't matter.
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Or they'll take advantage because they can.
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We live in a very much like me centered society where everybody is looking inward.
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And a lot of people don't have empathy or understanding for other people.
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So if you do not set those hard boundaries, it is just going to happen that you're going to get probably walked all over.
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And you're, that can happen if Because people are just going full speed ahead, thinking about themselves, and like you said if you don't signal that somebody's coming over into your lane, it's going to cause an accident, and that's what happens is that people are just going full speed ahead and not signaling that they're going left or right, and then, these, mishaps happens.
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And communication goes out the window
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it's like when you're at Trader Joe's and you're like, Ooh, I want this.
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And you're not realizing that there's this pattern going and you just cut across the line and bump into people, that's me entirely, but that's what it is.
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But the thing I want to also clarify, there is a difference between the boundaries and ghosting because ghosting, you're not setting an example.
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You're not setting rules.
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You're not telling people how you want to be treated.
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You're just like this.
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I'm out.
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Yeah.
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You're not communicating either.
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Like it is emotionally mature to say to somebody, listen, this, relationship, this conversation, this friendship, whatever it is, this partnership is not working for me.
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I'm not comfortable with this.
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I don't feel like we're, getting anywhere positive with this.
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There's a million ways that you can just say.
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And then cut off communication if you want, but it doesn't hurt to say that one thing like I, I just want to close out this relationship.
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This is where I'm at.
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And I don't want to move forward instead of just like being like, they don't, I don't owe anybody anything.
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Really, you don't owe anybody anything.
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You don't, but
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this is part two.
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I'm going to be talking a little bit about the concept of helping you grow as a person.
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Again, this isn't about the other person.
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This is about you being able to communicate your needs.
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And the need is, I don't want to hang out with you anymore.
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Or the need is, I don't like you.
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Or, I don't see us going anywhere.
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Or, whatever that need is.
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Do you remember that?
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It's not you, it's me.
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Right, and then we went from that to ghosting.
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If you set a boundary and then these people are not respecting your boundary, then I'm like, cool, ghost them.
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Right.
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Then you can go ahead and block them.
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This isn't working, block.
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If it's also unsafe for you to set the boundary and you're like, hmm, he's a creeper, I'm just going to block him because I don't know what's going to have all
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rights to do that
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if it's safety.
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Right, exactly.
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But part of this is that when you can assert yourself and talk about your needs, that is when you are becoming emotionally mature.
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And that right there is amazing.
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Right.
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And that really helps normalize this.
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Because when people see you also setting your boundaries, then that also opens up a door for them to feel like, okay, maybe I can set my own boundaries too, so when you practice these things, other people see that.
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able to pick up on that.
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And that's how, we can open this up.
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So it's more commonplace for everybody to be setting boundaries and have better, clearer communication.
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And really the way you can support somebody's boundaries is offering validation and encouragement, reminding them it's okay to prioritize their own wellbeing and say no, or setting limits.
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It's not a reflection on their worth or, or their kindness.
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I was just talking to Randy before about this podcast is that somebody tried to set a boundary with me recently, and I said, I hear that you're trying to set a hard boundary.
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however, that's not a boundary you can set in my house.
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Right.
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Because it was superseding a boundary that you were placing.
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Right.
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You can't put
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a boundary on me because I put a boundary on you.
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And it doesn't work like that.
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Right.
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you have the right to say that doesn't work.
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I'm sorry.
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If your boundary doesn't work with mine, then something else has to happen.
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Right.
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We need to compromise somewhere else.
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Or, if I'm the adult, that's,
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we're not going to agree to disagree.
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Sometimes the boundary is then we can't hang out or we can't do this anymore.
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If this isn't going to work.
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If this is mine and that's yours and they don't meet up on the same corner, then that's okay.
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But it means that we can't continue.
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And so that is setting a hard boundary.
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Randy, let's go and answer
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our have you evers.
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how is ghosting different from setting boundaries?
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Oh,
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I guess we just did that.
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Yeah, ghosting, just to reiterate, is when somebody abruptly cuts off all communication without any exclamation.
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It's like the silent statement.
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That they are no longer interested in continuing the relationship or friendship with you.
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Whereas setting boundaries is a healthy practice where you can communicate your limits and needs to others.
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Again, being emotionally mature.
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It's about self respect and mutual understanding, not disappearance without any kind of word or trace.
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So then, Randi, is ghosting ever considered a form of setting
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boundaries?
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It can be in very rare circumstances.
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Like we said, when you're dealing with somebody who has toxic behavior, abusive behavior, then that can be viewed as an act of self preservation and taking your safety into consideration, rather than deliberately attempting to just harm the other person.
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by cutting off communication.
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generally in most cases it's just more respectful and it's healthier communication to just set your boundaries early and clearly.
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And I also want to say, if you didn't set your boundaries it's okay to go, hey, I need to go back and reset this boundary.
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Right.
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You
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can change it.
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Yeah.
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You don't have to go, this is my boundary for the rest of my life.
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No, you can go, this isn't working.
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I need to be assertive and set my boundary.
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you can say, Hmm, I thought I didn't have to, or I didn't have to make it as strong, but I do.
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let's say
00:13:18.221 --> 00:13:22.152
you want to ghost the person, but you're trying to be emotionally mature.
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So how do you set a boundary with this person without making them feel like they are ghosted?
00:13:30.154 --> 00:13:31.095
Communication.
00:13:31.149 --> 00:13:34.360
You don't want to be like, I'm not going to talk to you anymore because you're a dick and then ghost him.
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That's still ghosting.
00:13:35.740 --> 00:13:38.649
And it's just, that's back to the, it's not you, it's me.
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But you're really saying, no, it's all you.
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It really doesn't give like an, a deep explanation either.
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Not that you owe anybody like a deep explanation, you could say it a little bit kinder, you can actually say it a lot
00:13:48.399 --> 00:13:48.570
kinder than
00:13:48.570 --> 00:13:49.340
that one,
00:13:49.340 --> 00:13:54.070
but what you want to do is express to somebody what your needs and limits are to the other person.
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Try to do it in a kind, but firm way.
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Let them know what you're comfortable with and what crosses your line.
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What is that line, that boundary, that, line in the sand kind of idea.
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Be open, give them
00:14:06.929 --> 00:14:12.750
clarity, But don't let them use it as a doorway to keep coming through when you want that to be closed, too.
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It's like a gray area,
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