Kinkeeping : The Problem with "Helping Out"
The language we use around household responsibilities and emotional labor often reinforces imbalanced dynamics in relationships. Phrases like "helping out" imply that certain tasks fall mainly under one partner's domain.
When a spouse says they are "helping" with chores, childcare, or planning, it positions those duties as primarily belonging to the other person. The partner who takes on the bulk of mental and physical labor becomes the default, while the "helper" is simply assisting. This tendency frequently breaks down along traditional gender lines: the woman as main caretaker and manager, and the man as occasional support.
A common example is the dad who is "babysitting" his own children while his wife runs errands. Or the husband who is "such a big help" for doing the dishes after his partner cooked dinner. The underlying assumption is that these are not shared responsibilities, but one person's domain that the other graciously jumps in on. Phrases like "helping out" and "lending a hand" imply that one partner's role is auxiliary.
This reinforces traditional household gender dynamics where the unpaid labor and emotional load disproportionately fall on women. Using this kind of language reinforces the imbalance rather than fostering an equal partnership.
The Toll of Emotional Labor
We often talk about the physical labor involved in running a household—the cooking, cleaning, errands, and general maintenance that keep the home functioning. But just as taxing, if not more, is the unseen emotional labor that disproportionately falls on one partner's shoulders.
Emotional labor refers to the planning, strategizing, worrying, remembering, and managing of the family's needs and wellbeing. This includes the mental load of tracking doctor's appointments, social engagements, school events, and extracurricular schedules. It means noticing when the fridge is empty or the kids have outgrown their clothes. It involves anticipating needs before they arise and taking on the burden of others' feelings and stress levels.
One form of emotional labor is "kinkeeping"—maintaining family ties and connections across generations. This means remembering birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions. It means checking in on elderly parents, sending cards or gifts, planning family gatherings, and keeping everyone connected.
While technology has provided more tools for sharing information, often it is the kinkeeper who spearheads communication, tracks responses, and follows up with distant relatives. Over time, carrying a disproportionate amount of emotional labor leads to burnout and resentment.
There is a deep exhaustion that comes from always being "on call" as the household manager, even if the physical chores are shared equally. Partners who take on emotional labor silently can build up anger and frustration from feeling overburdened. They may feel underappreciated, lonely, and doubtful of their own worth when it seems only they worry about certain responsibilities.
This invisible burden takes a toll both mentally and physically. Identifying areas of imbalance and fostering true partnership is key to alleviating emotional labor and creating healthy balance.
Fostering a True Partnership
Achieving a more equitable division of labor starts with open communication between partners. Rather than framing household duties as "helping out," couples should discuss sharing responsibilities. Using language like "sharing" versus "helping" reinforces the idea of an equal partnership, not one partner assisting the other.
When dividing up tasks, look at interests and skills, not traditional gender roles. If one partner enjoys cooking while the other prefers yardwork, make that the arrangement. Base it on what works best for each individual and the relationship, not stereotypes.
Approach this conversation with empathy and aim for mutual understanding. Explain frustrations, but avoid attacks or blame. The goal is to find solutions that allow both partners to feel respected and valued for their contributions.
Remember, you're teammates working towards the same goal of a happy home. Maintaining a household and family is hard work, no matter how it's divided up. Appreciate what each other does to keep things running smoothly. When both partners feel seen and appreciated, balance becomes much easier to achieve.
Achieving Relationship Equity
If we view our families as a team sport, like a relay race, it becomes clear that we all need to contribute equally to keep things running smoothly. In a relay, you pass the baton off to your teammate so they can complete their leg of the race.
Similarly, partners need to seamlessly hand off responsibilities, chores, and duties to balance their joint workload. When both partners see their role as equal players, they avoid gatekeeping behaviors that block the other from participating fully. For example,'micro-manage' how your spouse does a task rather than letting them do it their own way. Or banning your partner from responsibilities because you think you know better.
Healthy communication and mutual understanding reinforce both partners' importance. To foster true partnership, reflect on times you might have discouraged your spouse from pitching in. Ask them where they'd like to take a more active role. Be open to letting go of control and embracing their approach. Most importantly, express appreciation for their contributions, big and small. With ongoing teamwork, empathy and equity have become the norm.
Taking Action
After listening to this podcast and reflecting on your own relationship, it's time to take action.
The first step is to initiate an open and honest conversation with your partner. Pick a relaxed time when you can thoughtfully discuss how household and emotional labor are divided in your relationship.
Explain your feelings without blame or judgment. Ask how your partner feels about the balance of responsibilities.
Actively listen and try to understand their perspective, even if it differs from yours initially. The goal is to move away from "helping out" language and find ways to reframe duties as mutual partnerships.
Make a list of all the invisible tasks that keep your life running, from childcare to household chores.
Then discuss how these could be shared more equitably based on interest and skills.
Compromise until you find a division of labor that feels fair and allows both partners to thrive. Keep communicating regularly to check in on how the new system is working. Be willing to renegotiate if needed.
The key is replacing old assumptions with conscious collaboration. Value each other's contributions and efforts equally. When both partners commit to partnership over prescribed gender roles, you build a relationship of mutual understanding and respect.
This creates a strong foundation from which you can face life's challenges together, without one person bearing the disproportionate weight of emotional labor. The time for change is now—start talking and take action today!
Conclusion
In summary, the language we use around household and emotional labor has a significant impact. Referring to duties as "helping out" versus shared partnerships can reinforce imbalanced dynamics and gender stereotypes. This often leads to burnout, resentment, and relationship strain over time.
The key is open communication about dividing responsibilities based on interest and ability, not gender. Through ongoing discussions and mutual understanding, we can foster true teamwork where both partners feel valued. Keep the conversation going with your loved ones.
Small steps towards equity today can lead to much happier homes in the future. This work is never fully done, so check in regularly and adjust as life's demands shift. Most importantly, approach it with compassion for yourself and your partner. You're in this together.
