Feb. 26, 2025

Breaking Free: How to Say No Without Guilt

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Season 4

Do you feel drained from constantly saying "yes" out of obligation? In this episode of Women’s Mental Health Podcast, we dive into the power of setting boundaries, overcoming guilt, and breaking free from people-pleasing. Join Randi Owsley, LMSW, and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT—licensed psychotherapists with 23 years of experience in women’s mental health—as they unpack the emotional toll of obligation, how to stop people-pleasing, and practical strategies to prioritize yourself without guilt. If you’re ready to reclaim your time, energy, and mental well-being, this episode is for you!

Struggling to break free from the cycle of doing things out of obligation? It’s time to set boundaries and prioritize yourself without guilt. Learn how to stop people-pleasing and start making choices that align with your well-being. Discover practical coping skills and tools to help you say no without guilt, establish healthy mental health boundaries, and regain control over your time and energy. Whether you’re looking for strategies to start breaking free from obligation or insights on how to prioritize yourself, you’ll find the resources and support you need to create a healthier, more balanced life.

In upcoming episodes, we’ll dive deeper into essential topics that impact women’s mental health, including the power of setting boundaries, the connection between people-pleasing and anxiety, and how ADHD influences the struggle to say no. We’ll also explore the challenges of postpartum and boundaries, as well as overcoming guilt as a mom. Our goal is to provide actionable strategies and real-life insights to help you break free from obligation and reclaim your sense of self. Stay tuned and join the conversation using #BoundariesMatter, #PeoplePleasingNoMore, #MentalHealthForMoms, #SayNoWithoutGuilt, and #SelfCareNotObligation.

Why is it important to stop doing things out of obligation?

How do I start setting boundaries without feeling guilty?

Can saying 'no' to obligations improve my relationships?

What if saying 'no' leads to conflicts or misunderstandings?

How do I deal with the fear of missing out (FOMO)?

What if my choices upset people I care about?

How do I differentiate between obligation and genuine desire?

What are some practical ways to politely decline an obligation?

How do I maintain my resolve when it feels easier just to give in?

#BoundariesMatter #PeoplePleasingNoMore #SayNoWithoutGuilt #BreakFreeFromObligation #MentalHealthBoundaries #StopPeoplePl

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Women's Mental Health Podcast, created by licensed psychotherapists Randi Owsley MSW and Jessica Bullwinkle LMFT, offers resources for those navigating mental health. This podcast or social media are not psychotherapy, a replacement for a therapeutic relationship, or substitute for mental health care. All thoughts expressed are for educational and entertainment purposes, no psychotherapeutic relationship exists by virtue of listening, commenting, or engaging. Our platform could contain affiliate links, which if used, might earn us a small commission at no extra cost to you.


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Transcript
WEBVTT

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Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast.

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I'm randy.

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I'm And I'm Jess.

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And we are two licensed psychotherapists, and this is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges.

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And how all of this is normal, and you are not alone.

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Today we're talking about a powerful topic that can be life changing for women deciding to stop doing things out of obligation.

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This is something many women struggle with, whether it's in a relationship, at work, or even within their families.

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It can have a huge impact on mental health and well being.

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Exactly.

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I have decided I will no longer do things out of obligation.

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That is just right there.

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Look at me.

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I'm like powerful.

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Yeah.

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I'm not

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going to do it anymore.

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We're going to put our foot down.

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To

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say

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no.

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I'm going to be my inner toddler.

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Okay.

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Find us and more information on womensmentalhealthpodcast.

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com.

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So have you ever had these thoughts?

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Why is it so important to stop doing things out of obligation?

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How do I start setting boundaries without feeling guilty?

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Can I say no to obligations and can it improve my relationship?

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What if saying no leads to conflict or misunderstandings?

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Mm hmm.

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How do I deal with the fear of missing out, FOMO?

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Which, by the way, we did a podcast on that, FOMO vs.

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JOMO.

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Anyways, okay, that's why we're talking about this.

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Yeah.

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What if my choices upset people that I care about?

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How do I differentiate

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between obligation and genuine desire?

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That's a good one.

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Is it possible to find a balance between being accommodating and maintaining my own personal boundaries?

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What are

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some practical ways to

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politely decline an obligation?

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And I think that one we should probably role play that a little bit, because that's a good one to say no thank you or without giving too much or any excuses.

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So how do I maintain my boundaries?

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And my resolve when it feels easier just to give in.

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Mm hmm.

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How do we define an obligation?

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For me, when I say we do things out of obligation, what we're talking about is making choices or saying yes to things, not because we generally want to, but because we feel like we should, or that we have to.

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Remember the shoulds and the haves and the couldas and wouldas.

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I feel like kind of an obligation, like the definition has gotten Smudged because it used to be like something that you have to do that is going to impact your livelihood or You have to do it.

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Yeah, your life.

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We do it to avoid guilt most of the time.

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We do it because we're trying to meet somebody else's expectations or we're trying to maintain some status quo.

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And so it's not because it's going to impact our life.

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I think obligations now are more so based upon feelings.

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We're doing it to try to avoid something.

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No! We're not.

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obligated.

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We feel obligated.

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Yes.

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So it's just that we're feeling this guilt or this shame we're attaching an emotion to this event.

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It's not a necessity.

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But we feel maybe like it is

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well, because most of us are people pleasers.

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And so we're trying to make other people happy so we're not maintaining our boundaries by doing this.

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The problem is that when we live with this obligation mode, it really leads to us getting resentment and burnt out and really not feeling fulfilled because we're doing stuff for other people or that we think other people think we should be doing.

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Do and doesn't that get confusing that we think that other people think we should be doing it so that we do it, but we don't really know.

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Yeah, because we've we're not actually communicating or asking them maybe that's where we need to start is saying.

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Is this really important to you?

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Oh.

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Is this going to affect our friendship if I don't show up?

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Or is this going to affect my position at work really, what is the bottom line here?

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I think that we just like tiptoe around this.

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I know, but what if they said, yeah, and you're like, I

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still don't want to do it.

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At least then you know you tried.

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So okay, let's go through and let's talk about where did these feelings of obligation come from?

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For many women, I feel it's rooted in social conditioning.

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It's how like society has brought us up.

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We, like you said, are taught to be people pleasers from a young age, whether it's in our families, our schools.

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Oh, go hug Uncle Creepy

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Joe.

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Yeah, no.

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We learn to attach.

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Gratification with these things okay, that made, my mom or my teacher happy because I did what they asked of me, even if I didn't like doing it, or it made me feel

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awkward.

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Is that gratification, or is that like, how, what's the word I'm thinking of, Randi?

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Here, let me see if I can get my brain to you.

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It's like

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reward.

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Yeah.

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Rewarded.

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Because,

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exactly.

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Exactly.

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Yeah,

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I, I think that we learn to think that it's gratifying, but we're like associating it like Pavlov's dog, right?

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Like he associated whatever, the bell with the tree.

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We learn to think that maybe this is how it's perceived to be, but in reality, it's not, and it's not really fulfilling and gratifying, it's not.

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Making our hearts happy.

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Well, that's because we also learned from a young age that saying no is selfish you're being difficult.

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You're being selfish or you're Ungrateful if you say no, I don't want to do that.

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Well, why because you're ungrateful And so it gets reinforced in our family dynamics.

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It gets reinforced at school and work culture.

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If you say no to the project, you're no longer a team player, even though you're like, that's a shitty project.

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And I don't want that project.

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But then that's what happens if you say no or put boundaries on it.

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And that is, I think what this current generation or this current timeframe that we're in is trying to change.

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Yeah.

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Is that

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we're not doing that anymore.

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Yeah.

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And also I feel like how women, we've talked about this, time and time again are the kin keepers, we're the nurturers, we're the accommodating, we're supposed to make sacrifices.

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Well, that's not fair.

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We're not the only ones in this equation.

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It doesn't always need to fall on us to be the ones that are cutting into our personal time or our sanity, or our well being.

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So I announced to my family this year, there's four of us.

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And I just said, you know what?

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This year we all get to do somebody else's stocking.

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I'm no longer doing all the stockings.

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I said, I'm going to do one person.

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One person can do mine.

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I said, and tell you what boys, you can do each other's.

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And us girls will do each other's this year.

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And next year, maybe we'll pick names.

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My daughter goes, You know that they're not gonna do one.

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I said cool.

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Well, i'm not gonna worry about it Then they don't get it.

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That's up to them We'll put a limit on it for financial reasons.

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And this is what you spend on the person stalking And there you go

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I did a similar thing this past week with our meal planning I was like Everybody gets, because there's now three adults, I have an adult daughter, and I was like everybody gets to participate.

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Either you have to make a meal, or you have to order the meal.

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One day you can pick to order.

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there's three of us that are adults and one child, so I was like, that's six days.

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And then one day of the week, we do like a family.

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Either we all pick or we all cook together.

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Or we just do a fin for yourself and you guys figure out whatever leftovers are still edible.

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I'm so tired of us all being like, what's for dinner?

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And everybody's bitching at each other after we're all done.

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Tired and hungry and not coming home from work.

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And I was like, no, so everybody needs.

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To pick a day.

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That's your day.

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Okay, cool.

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Bye.

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Yeah, I'm

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done doing it.

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Yeah, and so because What you're talking about this burnout, right?

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Because when we do things out of obligation, you know If you feel you have to make dinner every night because you're the woman we are going to get burnt out I'm already burnt out.

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You're burnt out half the

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world is

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burnt

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out.

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I

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feel like I'm seeing so many things about women being mentally just drained and just physically

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and emotionally like I

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can't do everything done with everything like I saw a mom crying on TikTok the other day how am I supposed to do all this stuff like go to work pick them up from school take them to school do this meal prep like buy all the things do all the things and people are like you're not but like We don't have a village like, we used to we don't have a community.

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We don't have family that lives nearby We don't have anybody to help us.

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So we're all collectively

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drowning.

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Mm hmm Well, and you're talking about dinner last night the teenager made dinner for herself the young adult made dinner for himself He ate leftovers from the night before and then so dad and I were left so I ordered us dinner and the kids are like You didn't order us anything.

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I was like, no, y'all already ate dinner and didn't offer us anything.

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So we ate our, we, yeah, we ordered dinner

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and stopped feeling like bad about it.

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I didn't, I didn't feel bad at all.

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Like I did that the other day too and my partner's like you're not ordering the kids anything And I was like no because I asked them 20 times what do you want?

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Nobody gave him any answer and I was like too bad.

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So sad.

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I ordered what I want.

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Yeah We ordered by dinner.

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I said, hey, I ordered dinner and he was like cool.

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Did you order the kids?

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I said, nope, they already ate he was like they ate what they eat I was like, I don't know but they ate not worried about it.

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They're alive.

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It's cool So think about obligations when we're talking about things that we feel obligated for for me It brings up either A, a lot of resentment.

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I resent that I have to do this or that I agreed to do this because I didn't want to do this, which to me says I should have had a better boundary.

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Or the other thing is it makes me so anxious.

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We've talked about doing the cookie party this year.

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I probably won't do it because I'm too busy and it makes me so anxious to have everybody over my house to make cookies.

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Yeah.

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And I think about that.

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Yeah.

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And I'm like, I don't even know.

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If it's thinking, if it's making you feel.

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That level of anxiety already.

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Right now?

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Yeah.

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I'm not doing it.

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Like, why?

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Maybe you're just like, hey, I just want to have my friends over in sweats and two people.

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I might just

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be like, mm, no, I don't even want to do that.

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Sorry.

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Yeah.

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You don't need to make any plans if you don't want to, and I feel that's like where I'm at, too.

00:09:52.600 --> 00:09:52.649
Yeah.

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Is this really, it's been a funk the other day and my friend's oh, come take you out and go.

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And I was like, that event is like so busy and there's so many people there and I was like, I don't think that would make me feel better.

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I was like, nah, I was like, that's something you want to do.

00:10:08.179 --> 00:10:08.210
But

00:10:08.289 --> 00:10:10.250
normally you would have said yes.

00:10:10.289 --> 00:10:12.690
Yeah, you would have felt obligated and said yes.

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And so now you're like, no, that's not what I want to do.

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I think i'm going to stay in my sweats or be in my funk or go get coffee.

00:10:17.629 --> 00:10:19.450
And that might be something I want to do.

00:10:19.990 --> 00:10:21.149
And so it's different, right?

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Because It affects our self esteem when we always feel obligated and we're not getting the rewards.

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I teach my kid this, is that if you aren't getting something from the friendship, then why are you giving so much?

00:10:33.710 --> 00:10:35.309
And this is the same thought process.

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Well, because then I feel like we also internalize that, especially as women and teenagers and young adult women, like I'm giving to this relationship or this friendship and I'm not getting anything back.

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What's wrong with me?

00:10:48.600 --> 00:10:52.639
The scope back on ourself, then that doesn't usually have anything to do with it.

00:10:52.649 --> 00:10:52.889
No,

00:10:53.269 --> 00:10:54.419
there's nothing wrong with you.

00:10:54.419 --> 00:10:58.940
What's wrong is you keep giving to people who keep taking and they're not giving anything in return.

00:10:58.950 --> 00:11:06.929
And you're not holding up your boundaries that, maybe like this relationship, maybe there's some red flags there that you're ignoring, but we've all been there and done that.

00:11:07.039 --> 00:11:11.019
Randy loves to ignore red flags because she thinks everybody's a nice person at heart.

00:11:11.259 --> 00:11:14.440
So she ignores all the red flags and she sees all the good in the people.

00:11:14.440 --> 00:11:18.240
And meanwhile, I'm in the corner going, why, why do you like her?

00:11:18.389 --> 00:11:19.159
I don't get it.

00:11:19.610 --> 00:11:20.559
No, I don't want to do that.

00:11:20.590 --> 00:11:21.549
I don't want to do that.

00:11:21.549 --> 00:11:21.970
No, no, no.

00:11:21.970 --> 00:11:22.320
I don't want to do

00:11:22.320 --> 00:11:23.190
that.

00:11:23.190 --> 00:11:25.210
She's I don't know about this person.

00:11:25.210 --> 00:11:27.710
And I'm like, I know and I'm just like, I just feel bad.

00:11:28.259 --> 00:11:30.039
Cause I know what it feels like.

00:11:30.049 --> 00:11:30.899
And then that's an

00:11:30.909 --> 00:11:32.259
obligation right there.

00:11:32.269 --> 00:11:34.950
She feels obligated because she knows what it feels like.

00:11:35.179 --> 00:11:36.860
So that's exactly what that is.

00:11:36.870 --> 00:11:38.440
So let's stops.

00:11:38.794 --> 00:11:40.375
Saying yes and start saying no.

00:11:40.375 --> 00:11:44.284
I will no longer be obligated to do things that I don't want to do anymore

00:11:44.375 --> 00:11:45.514
Yeah, say it again.

00:11:45.534 --> 00:11:47.205
Just say right now say it out loud.

00:11:47.325 --> 00:11:54.225
I will no longer Feel obligated to do things that I don't want to do anymore.

00:11:54.304 --> 00:11:57.105
Yeah, just period it feels so good

00:11:57.134 --> 00:11:57.294
isn't it

00:11:57.524 --> 00:11:57.865
feel good?

00:11:58.365 --> 00:11:59.565
It feels so good

00:12:01.754 --> 00:12:15.235
Let's talk about How the pressure, how do we deal with the pressure to feel when we feel obligated to do something when somebody says, we have someone that keeps asking us to do stuff and Randy and I are kind of like, I don't know, I don't want to do that.

00:12:15.235 --> 00:12:16.294
And I'm like, No, I don't want to do that.

00:12:17.674 --> 00:12:18.054
I don't know.

00:12:18.054 --> 00:12:22.215
And then Randy was like, I don't know what my calendar is.

00:12:23.254 --> 00:12:25.034
I haven't gotten that together yet.

00:12:25.044 --> 00:12:26.475
And I was like, Oh, that's funny, Randy.

00:12:27.254 --> 00:12:28.375
But she still left it out there.

00:12:28.375 --> 00:12:29.294
I was like, Yeah, I'm busy.

00:12:29.309 --> 00:12:31.620
I have something I'm doing that day.

00:12:32.139 --> 00:12:45.615
So that's also a solution, but what are some real, like solid solutions that we can do to make the choice if we are feeling so overwhelmed, so burnt out, so drained, so tired.

00:12:45.745 --> 00:12:48.455
To start working these boundaries with people.

00:12:48.554 --> 00:12:57.125
Well, you just said it it is set healthy boundaries And I know we're always saying boundaries boundaries and boundaries But set healthy boundaries

00:12:57.394 --> 00:13:02.164
because not just for the big things I think for the small things too.

00:13:02.985 --> 00:13:07.674
Yeah, because it's all those little tiny things that I feel like can add up

00:13:08.033 --> 00:13:17.724
it's setting those healthy boundaries and those little things do add up because when you can identify what situation you do or don't want to do, we go, Oh, it's only a few minutes.

00:13:17.744 --> 00:13:19.734
One, we underestimate our time.

00:13:19.913 --> 00:13:21.014
It'll only take an hour.

00:13:21.024 --> 00:13:22.923
No, dude, that's like a two or three hour event.

00:13:23.193 --> 00:13:23.913
That's so true.

00:13:23.913 --> 00:13:33.203
Because even they say like, When we pause in a workday to look at our emails, to get back into what we were doing, it takes about 26 minutes.

00:13:33.214 --> 00:13:37.952
So that one minute detour ends up taking almost like 30 minutes total.

00:13:38.013 --> 00:13:40.783
And that's not the thought process that you're putting into it.

00:13:40.802 --> 00:13:42.613
That's, that is just the physical.

00:13:42.673 --> 00:13:43.342
Yeah,

00:13:43.572 --> 00:13:47.293
the emotional and the mental drain of should I do this?

00:13:47.302 --> 00:13:48.072
Should I not do this?

00:13:48.072 --> 00:13:53.557
If you're even like Questioning if you're not 100% yeah should you even be doing it?

00:13:54.217 --> 00:13:54.388
Yeah,

00:13:54.388 --> 00:13:54.577
if

00:13:54.577 --> 00:13:55.918
it's not instantly yes.

00:13:56.390 --> 00:13:58.380
Then it really should just be like, yeah, I don't want to do that.

00:13:58.544 --> 00:13:59.575
That's not going to work for me.

00:13:59.638 --> 00:14:02.298
we'll do some role plays here as we do our have you evers.

00:14:02.591 --> 00:14:12.902
I want you guys to learn to reframe your mindset because if you feel guilty saying no, I want you to figure out why do you feel guilty saying no, where does that come from?

00:14:12.942 --> 00:14:13.542
Yeah.

00:14:13.542 --> 00:14:13.662
There's a

00:14:13.662 --> 00:14:19.662
root of an issue there of something maybe in your childhood or a relationship that you said no.

00:14:19.662 --> 00:14:20.062
And it was.

00:14:20.081 --> 00:14:34.371
Almost like traumatic or you got, pushback from it that you felt for me I can remember a very pivotal point I was in kindergarten and I loved my kindergarten teacher so much Like he used to come over and have family dinners with us.

00:14:34.392 --> 00:14:35.341
Okay, this is in the 80s.

00:14:35.402 --> 00:14:35.672
Okay.

00:14:35.881 --> 00:14:36.121
Okay.

00:14:36.121 --> 00:14:37.272
Okay I just made her okay.

00:14:37.272 --> 00:14:45.142
It's not normal now, but And I, just loved him, felt like safe place, like such an amazing part of my life.

00:14:45.642 --> 00:14:50.922
And then I was talking in class and I got in trouble for talking in class.

00:14:50.971 --> 00:14:56.855
And I felt so crestfallen and like upset that I had disappointed him.

00:14:57.397 --> 00:14:59.496
That I never talked in class ever again.

00:15:00.567 --> 00:15:02.417
And that's what's for the rest of my school.

00:15:02.557 --> 00:15:08.346
So it was like that, like that crushing feeling of, Oh my God, like I'm in trouble and I disappointed this person.

00:15:08.346 --> 00:15:12.716
And then I was like, never wanted to raise my hand in class.

00:15:12.716 --> 00:15:15.116
I never talked, like I turned everything like inward

00:15:15.216 --> 00:15:15.537
yeah.

00:15:15.576 --> 00:15:17.537
And that's not fair to you.

00:15:17.586 --> 00:15:26.057
And if you had shared that with somebody, I'm sure some, well, maybe not then, now, now they'll walk you through it and be like, you don't have to own that and we'll talk to you about it.

00:15:26.067 --> 00:15:26.456
Back then.

00:15:26.456 --> 00:15:28.047
They probably were like, yeah, you shouldn't have been talking.

00:15:28.256 --> 00:15:29.767
The eighties weren't very kind to us.

00:15:30.756 --> 00:15:31.417
Sorry guys.

00:15:31.437 --> 00:15:31.777
Okay.

00:15:32.267 --> 00:15:35.027
But that brings in also practicing that self compassion.

00:15:35.037 --> 00:15:41.807
So when this stuff does happen or you do get pushback from, inserting your boundaries and saying no to things.

00:15:41.976 --> 00:15:46.947
that, aren't good for you, that you don't lose who you are.

00:15:46.947 --> 00:15:49.167
You don't lose your sense of self over it.

00:15:49.317 --> 00:15:49.956
Exactly.

00:15:49.966 --> 00:15:57.397
We all deserve to live a life that aligns with what we want to do and what our values are.

00:15:57.657 --> 00:16:02.716
Not one that's directed by these external expectations and obligations and pressures.

00:16:03.047 --> 00:16:07.515
I would love to live a life, and I'm moving forward doing so, doing what I want to do.

00:16:07.517 --> 00:16:13.027
Not what somebody I should do or what they think they want me or I think they want me to do.

00:16:13.687 --> 00:16:15.106
I'm doing what I want to do.

00:16:15.106 --> 00:16:20.307
And unfortunately I wish I had learned this 30 years ago and at a younger age.

00:16:20.307 --> 00:16:22.817
So I'm hoping I'm teaching my daughter that who knows.

00:16:23.256 --> 00:16:23.537
Yeah.

00:16:23.537 --> 00:16:30.947
It was interesting because I saw another video too, the other day about this girl talking about how she was working for multiple companies, like work from home.

00:16:30.947 --> 00:16:32.466
And she's we're stacking this money.

00:16:32.506 --> 00:16:33.346
Like we're doing this.

00:16:33.346 --> 00:16:36.317
We don't, we don't owe anybody an obligation.

00:16:36.567 --> 00:16:37.356
She was like.

00:16:37.871 --> 00:16:42.152
If I want to work for five companies at once, I'm going to work for five companies at once.

00:16:42.162 --> 00:16:43.892
She was like, I'm getting my work done.

00:16:43.892 --> 00:16:45.081
I think that's

00:16:45.081 --> 00:16:45.552
slightly illegal.

00:16:46.081 --> 00:16:52.162
I actually think that you, that's a, there's something in me that says that, that you're not supposed to do that.

00:16:52.481 --> 00:16:57.302
Now, when I say not supposed to, I really want to be like, I don't know, maybe with the ethics.

00:16:57.552 --> 00:16:58.142
It might.

00:16:58.692 --> 00:17:01.361
I guess if they don't have the same hours, it doesn't really matter.

00:17:01.361 --> 00:17:04.122
If it's just a whenever thing, I guess it doesn't matter.

00:17:04.382 --> 00:17:13.241
I don't know what ethically maybe not I think it would depend if you had signed, some kind of NDA or Yeah, disclosure, like statement or something.

00:17:13.241 --> 00:17:13.392
Or oh,

00:17:13.392 --> 00:17:13.916
those, I don't know.

00:17:14.201 --> 00:17:18.011
Those aren't even, honestly, those, those disclosures you signed, they're not even legal.

00:17:18.011 --> 00:17:19.872
Even in like California, they're not legal.

00:17:19.872 --> 00:17:20.501
They don't really hold up.

00:17:20.531 --> 00:17:21.912
No, they don't hold up for nothing.

00:17:21.912 --> 00:17:22.241
But yeah,

00:17:22.241 --> 00:17:22.902
so I don't know.

00:17:22.902 --> 00:17:31.517
I was just saying like her attitude about being like, I'm not obligated to do this or to conform to this idea, like I'm just.

00:17:32.422 --> 00:17:33.922
Doing it because I want to.

00:17:33.922 --> 00:17:36.061
And I was like, okay, I like that.

00:17:36.061 --> 00:17:36.751
I do like it.

00:17:37.741 --> 00:17:39.362
Do what you want, what makes you happy.

00:17:39.602 --> 00:17:42.632
Okay, let's answer our, have you ever questions?

00:17:42.662 --> 00:17:43.967
Okay, so what is.

00:17:44.811 --> 00:17:51.071
Why is it important to stop doing things out of this feeling of obligation?

00:17:51.122 --> 00:17:53.662
One, because feeling, the feeling of obligation is bullshit.

00:17:54.071 --> 00:17:59.912
But because it doesn't align with my values or it doesn't make me feel good.

00:18:00.241 --> 00:18:01.981
It doesn't, it's not authentic.

00:18:02.041 --> 00:18:05.182
I don't want to be unauthentic anymore.

00:18:05.231 --> 00:18:07.102
I want to do what I want to do.

00:18:07.112 --> 00:18:16.511
I think that too, if I'm saying yes to something and I don't really want to be there is that really beneficial, not only to me, but to that person or friend?

00:18:16.541 --> 00:18:18.781
Aren't they going to feel that I don't want to be there?

00:18:19.092 --> 00:18:20.041
Like, why?

00:18:20.442 --> 00:18:23.221
If it's not, fulfilling on both ends.

00:18:23.372 --> 00:18:24.001
Exactly.

00:18:24.001 --> 00:18:29.832
If, I keep telling you, if you're not getting something out of it, or if I'm not getting something out of it, then why do I keep doing it?

00:18:30.241 --> 00:18:32.751
It's like going down the one way road when there's nothing there.

00:18:33.092 --> 00:18:34.902
Why do we keep going down the one way road?

00:18:34.912 --> 00:18:39.652
It still hasn't, given us anything in return, but we keep going down it hoping it's changed.

00:18:39.761 --> 00:18:40.132
Yeah.

00:18:40.426 --> 00:18:42.096
Which, that's an obligation.

00:18:42.386 --> 00:18:45.537
So Randi, how do I start setting boundaries without feeling guilty?

00:18:45.557 --> 00:18:46.287
Oh, good one.

00:18:46.977 --> 00:18:59.872
Start very small, work your, if you're anxious about setting boundaries, especially with people that you know will maybe like Push back or gonna get like emotional about it and be kind to yourself.

00:18:59.872 --> 00:19:03.852
Have that self compassion that you are learning to set boundaries.

00:19:03.872 --> 00:19:14.942
You are learning to step back and that's okay if you stumble or if you give in, you can still reset, you have that option to reset that boundary again and again and again and again, if you need to.

00:19:15.366 --> 00:19:21.626
And remember, you are not responsible for somebody else's response to your boundary.

00:19:21.767 --> 00:19:25.717
Unless you are being an a hole, then okay, fine, maybe.

00:19:25.807 --> 00:19:35.451
But if you're gonna say no, that doesn't suit me, I don't, I don't feel like doing that, I'm not available, whatever it is, If they get upset, that is on them.

00:19:35.461 --> 00:19:38.082
They're adults and they have to learn to work through that.

00:19:38.112 --> 00:19:41.342
You are not there to work through their emotions.

00:19:41.352 --> 00:19:43.892
You are putting your boundary out there and they may not like it.

00:19:44.061 --> 00:19:44.261
Yeah.

00:19:44.261 --> 00:19:45.011
You're not there to

00:19:45.011 --> 00:19:46.321
carry their emotions.

00:19:46.701 --> 00:19:49.932
We have enough of our own emotions that we carry.

00:19:49.932 --> 00:19:50.251
Yeah.

00:19:50.251 --> 00:19:55.682
And that we can hardly deal with ourselves, let alone carrying the burden of somebody else's emotions.

00:19:56.041 --> 00:19:58.642
So can saying no.

00:19:59.071 --> 00:20:00.932
Help your relationships.

00:20:01.442 --> 00:20:21.086
Yes, if it is a genuine relationship It will flourish when we show up as our true shell shelves true to shell shelves to shelf You can't say they're true selves Saying no Really allows me to be genuine when I say yes

00:20:21.547 --> 00:20:22.146
And so

00:20:22.186 --> 00:20:29.027
right there, you know that if I'm showing up I'm showing up because I want to show up not because I feel like I

00:20:29.037 --> 00:20:33.287
have to and you're there you're present Yes, because you want to be there.

00:20:33.287 --> 00:20:34.826
You want to be immersed in experience.

00:20:34.836 --> 00:20:44.771
You want to be supportive There's not other stuff that's like you're worried about or that's dragging you down or you're stressed about or you're not a lot of times to we say yes to stuff and we can't afford it.

00:20:45.231 --> 00:20:50.001
Oh, yeah, that calls causes a financial drain, not only our physical.

00:20:50.106 --> 00:21:02.757
Finances, but our well being as well because then we're like, oh my god, like this is going to impact I'm not going to be able to pay this bill or this bill or this bill I'm gonna have to shift this stuff and it's like how can you be present in that situation if it's that draining on you?

00:21:02.807 --> 00:21:04.626
Well, and the other thing too is think about time.

00:21:04.636 --> 00:21:11.227
My time is so valuable that I can't we have this stupid concept of let me carve out time.

00:21:11.237 --> 00:21:12.287
Let me make time.

00:21:12.297 --> 00:21:12.957
Let me set aside time.

00:21:12.957 --> 00:21:14.942
I can't make time.

00:21:14.942 --> 00:21:15.440
I

00:21:15.440 --> 00:21:16.646
can't carve time.

00:21:16.777 --> 00:21:17.446
It's not a pumpkin.

00:21:17.497 --> 00:21:18.547
Am I Harry Potter?

00:21:18.547 --> 00:21:19.156
Can I right?

00:21:19.156 --> 00:21:21.027
Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo sometime?

00:21:21.047 --> 00:21:21.826
I wish I could.

00:21:21.876 --> 00:21:22.497
If I could,

00:21:22.497 --> 00:21:24.926
I would be so dang rich because I don't need money.

00:21:24.926 --> 00:21:25.537
I need time.

00:21:25.586 --> 00:21:28.807
Yeah, I need money, but I need I really need time.

00:21:28.807 --> 00:21:30.034
But I think that was

00:21:30.034 --> 00:21:39.037
part of what was good for me is having that mindset shift that For me, time is valuable.

00:21:39.096 --> 00:21:40.277
Time is important.

00:21:40.557 --> 00:21:49.477
I only have a certain amount of time in the day, and I need to make sure that I allot it correctly for my mental health and my family and my well being.

00:21:49.686 --> 00:21:51.457
And also, to me, time is money.

00:21:51.586 --> 00:21:56.196
I was just going to say, and you know what I do a lot of times is I say, okay, this is what I make an hour.

00:21:56.207 --> 00:21:56.507
Yep.

00:21:56.836 --> 00:21:58.886
Is it worth an hour of my time?

00:21:58.916 --> 00:21:59.376
Yeah.

00:21:59.517 --> 00:22:15.211
Am I willing to give an hour of work For this item for this adventure for whatever and sometimes i'm like no sometimes i'm like, yep Totally i'll just work an extra hour if I really want it that bad or i'll work this or that because I want it Or I feel it's worthy.

00:22:15.461 --> 00:22:18.531
And so That is yeah time or can

00:22:18.531 --> 00:22:19.892
my time be spent?

00:22:19.942 --> 00:22:21.721
Yeah better doing this.

00:22:21.731 --> 00:22:23.301
See can my time be spent?

00:22:23.342 --> 00:22:23.761
Yeah,

00:22:23.791 --> 00:22:24.832
it's all wrapped up.

00:22:24.942 --> 00:22:26.291
It is all wrapped up there.

00:22:26.701 --> 00:22:31.592
What if saying no leads to conflicts or misunderstandings randy because you know it always will What if?

00:22:31.622 --> 00:22:32.342
How about when?

00:22:32.541 --> 00:22:32.971
When?

00:22:33.051 --> 00:22:33.521
When?

00:22:33.801 --> 00:22:38.894
Well, conflict doesn't necessarily need to mean something negative.

00:22:38.904 --> 00:22:40.674
Like it doesn't always have to be bad.

00:22:40.974 --> 00:22:43.244
Growth can happen from conflict.

00:22:43.255 --> 00:22:46.654
Conversation and communication can come from conflict.

00:22:46.654 --> 00:22:47.097
What if?

00:22:47.238 --> 00:22:54.048
Sometimes we need conflict to get out of, yeah, to grow and get out of a rut or maybe like a space that we're in.

00:22:54.295 --> 00:23:00.170
When you are met with resistance, then you can again, Reassert your boundaries.

00:23:00.210 --> 00:23:03.890
Communicate your needs, your wants, your feelings.

00:23:04.282 --> 00:23:07.103
talk about what your expectations are with this person.

00:23:07.113 --> 00:23:10.053
Well, what is your expectation of this situation?

00:23:10.083 --> 00:23:11.512
And this is my expectation.

00:23:11.512 --> 00:23:14.442
And maybe how can we meet in the middle because of this?

00:23:14.833 --> 00:23:20.423
Having honest conversation can really help alleviate misunderstandings.

00:23:20.877 --> 00:23:27.827
I found that in our house recently, I was trying so hard not to not be myself, but to parent different with an oldest

00:23:28.107 --> 00:23:28.268
that

00:23:28.268 --> 00:23:29.738
I finally just said, I can't do this.

00:23:29.788 --> 00:23:30.748
This is not me.

00:23:30.748 --> 00:23:31.768
This is not genuine.

00:23:31.768 --> 00:23:32.617
This is my house.

00:23:32.647 --> 00:23:34.907
I'm going to go back to doing what I know.

00:23:35.327 --> 00:23:35.998
And that's it.

00:23:36.048 --> 00:23:37.788
I can't change.

00:23:37.807 --> 00:23:38.397
I don't change.

00:23:38.738 --> 00:23:43.228
Want to change in my house that way, because it's not genuine for me to be this way.

00:23:43.678 --> 00:23:43.847
And

00:23:43.847 --> 00:23:46.637
once I did that, the house kind of went back into, Oh, okay.

00:23:46.637 --> 00:23:49.478
Now we know what the expectations are and the whole house just shifted.

00:23:49.488 --> 00:23:54.518
And it was like, Oh, if I had just been genuine with my thoughts and feelings in the very beginning.

00:23:54.907 --> 00:23:55.137
Yeah.

00:23:55.137 --> 00:23:58.494
About the situation, it would have been probably a hell of a lot different.

00:23:58.555 --> 00:23:58.785
Yeah.

00:23:58.785 --> 00:24:07.075
I think sometimes we put expectations on ourselves that we should be acting a certain way or we've read something and we think we need to apply these things.

00:24:07.424 --> 00:24:14.674
And then you're almost trying to like force this, this relationship or this way to go about things and then you're like, why is this not working?

00:24:14.684 --> 00:24:14.994
Yeah.

00:24:14.994 --> 00:24:16.035
This is so hard.

00:24:16.335 --> 00:24:20.095
My grandma always said, the path is that hard.

00:24:20.105 --> 00:24:21.095
You're on the wrong path.

00:24:21.609 --> 00:24:31.049
Yes, it's not going to be easy, but if you feel like you're just continually hitting your head against the wall obviously there's no door there, so you need to find a different way to go.

00:24:31.049 --> 00:24:36.269
All right, so what do I do if I have FOMO, which is fear of missing out?

00:24:36.269 --> 00:24:37.416
I

00:24:37.416 --> 00:24:43.053
have to say, you have to tell yourself again, a mindset shift.

00:24:43.112 --> 00:24:44.981
Quality, not quantity.

00:24:44.991 --> 00:24:46.041
You don't have to do everything.

00:24:46.041 --> 00:24:47.102
You don't have to be everywhere.

00:24:47.102 --> 00:24:48.491
You don't have to be everybody's friend.

00:24:48.501 --> 00:24:53.701
You don't have to be doing all the things all the time and burn yourself out anymore.

00:24:53.827 --> 00:24:55.397
Trust in yourself.

00:24:55.416 --> 00:25:03.037
to find the things that bring you joy, bring you connection and make your life better so that you're not spreading yourself thin.

00:25:04.007 --> 00:25:13.069
You have to, again, go back to kind of like the root, like what is triggering you to feel panicked that you're going to miss out on something and really think about it.

00:25:13.150 --> 00:25:15.190
Are you really going to miss out on something?

00:25:15.200 --> 00:25:18.160
What do you think that you are going to miss out on?

00:25:18.430 --> 00:25:18.759
Hmm.

00:25:18.866 --> 00:25:19.247
Yeah.

00:25:19.326 --> 00:25:21.396
Cause half the time you get there and you're like, well, that sucked.

00:25:21.537 --> 00:25:22.287
I didn't miss out on

00:25:22.287 --> 00:25:22.406
anything.

00:25:22.436 --> 00:25:22.967
Exactly.

00:25:22.967 --> 00:25:23.967
Like, why did I even bother?

00:25:24.376 --> 00:25:24.777
Right?

00:25:25.537 --> 00:25:34.057
Now, what if these choices, again, this kind of aligns with conflict and misunderstanding, but what if the person really is upset about this decision that you've made?

00:25:34.333 --> 00:25:38.042
I think it's really natural to worry about other people's feelings.

00:25:38.073 --> 00:25:39.873
We really don't want to hurt feelings.

00:25:39.942 --> 00:25:42.232
we grew up going, you hurt their feelings, say, sorry.

00:25:42.333 --> 00:25:45.133
How many people have told their child, you hurt my feelings?

00:25:45.133 --> 00:25:46.363
But is it genuine when you say sorry?

00:25:46.613 --> 00:25:52.123
No, it's not because you're making them do it, but you're not responsible for their happiness.

00:25:52.143 --> 00:25:54.563
You're responsible for your happiness.

00:25:55.083 --> 00:26:11.992
And so you want people who are going to truly understand and support you now There are ways to say it with people when we were talking about kind of role playing some of the things I like to say is unfortunately that doesn't work for me And if people say why not you don't have to give them a reason you say it just doesn't

00:26:12.083 --> 00:26:12.472
yeah00:26:12.583 --> 00:26:19.651


I find the more excuses you give people, the more that they can grab onto to change it.00:26:19.651 --> 00:26:20.182


And00:26:20.182 --> 00:26:20.714


then00:26:20.714 --> 00:26:23.896


they can make it, you're just giving them more to like hook on.00:26:23.896 --> 00:26:24.646


Yeah.00:26:24.656 --> 00:26:27.047


So it's, I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me.00:26:27.096 --> 00:26:29.797


Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to do that.00:26:30.037 --> 00:26:30.737


Why not?00:26:30.777 --> 00:26:31.767


I'm just not.00:26:32.027 --> 00:26:33.386


You don't have to tell them.00:26:33.396 --> 00:26:36.042


You can straight up to say, I'm not going to be able to go.00:26:36.180 --> 00:26:37.059


I'm not going.00:26:37.680 --> 00:26:38.519


You can do that.00:26:38.549 --> 00:26:40.220


But most of us feel weird doing that.00:26:40.230 --> 00:26:43.289


So I do like to say, it's like saying, sorry, I'm late.00:26:43.299 --> 00:26:44.880


It's thank you for waiting for me.00:26:45.539 --> 00:26:49.247


Thank you for your patience while I got back to you or while I was running late.00:26:49.319 --> 00:26:51.019


It's a different mindset when you say that.00:26:51.069 --> 00:26:51.150


I00:26:51.150 --> 00:26:51.990


think it's, yeah.00:26:51.990 --> 00:26:58.559


And like the tone and the way you're saying it, I feel it's just like a polite way of saying, no, I'm not fucking going.00:26:59.559 --> 00:27:02.494


And you can say, Yeah, that's not my thing.00:27:02.644 --> 00:27:03.305


That's another one.00:27:03.355 --> 00:27:04.115


That's not my thing.00:27:04.154 --> 00:27:08.384


That's not my thing And we we had a I don't have time for that No right00:27:08.384 --> 00:27:16.194


now And I told a friend recently I just said hey look You're probably not gonna get randy and I out of the house to go do this kind of a thing This is stuff we do.00:27:16.224 --> 00:27:19.325


Anyway, I was like I do art every day.00:27:19.565 --> 00:27:28.470


This is what I do for My processing I said so going to go do this do art somewhere else and pay for it doesn't make sense to me because I have it.00:27:28.470 --> 00:27:30.480


Between Randy and I, we could probably put on a class or two.00:27:30.779 --> 00:27:30.990


Yeah.00:27:31.619 --> 00:27:33.250


But I was like, we have all the crafts.00:27:33.250 --> 00:27:35.309


We're the ADHD crafters.00:27:35.650 --> 00:27:36.259


Exactly.00:27:36.259 --> 00:27:41.210


So I just said, the reality is if you want to come over and hang out, you can, but I'm probably not going to go anywhere.00:27:41.259 --> 00:27:41.450


Yeah.00:27:41.450 --> 00:27:43.559


I don't want to go spend 200 on this.00:27:43.970 --> 00:27:46.130


What I can do it in my kitchen, right?00:27:46.130 --> 00:27:53.670


I've already doing art and the art I'm doing is pretty cool So and that's what I just I just said look you're not gonna get us out of the house You are welcome to come over.00:27:53.710 --> 00:27:59.809


I was like, I'm happy to have you over if you would like to come over I was like, but I'm probably not going to leave to go do something.00:27:59.809 --> 00:28:01.279


Yeah, that doesn't excite me.00:28:01.549 --> 00:28:08.720


No and I different ways that you can say that with Being genuine to yourself and still not hurting the other person's feelings, right?00:28:08.720 --> 00:28:09.549


And I was totally cool.00:28:09.549 --> 00:28:11.849


You can come over and hang out, but I just don't want to go.00:28:11.940 --> 00:28:12.869


Yeah do that.00:28:12.880 --> 00:28:22.500


How do you differentiate then between a feeling of obligation and Really a genuine feeling of desire and wanting to do this00:28:23.569 --> 00:28:25.109


Well, I think you nailed it earlier.00:28:25.109 --> 00:28:29.160


It's the figuring out, if you are dancing around, do I want to go?00:28:29.160 --> 00:28:29.660


I don't want to go.00:28:29.660 --> 00:28:30.299


Do I want to go?00:28:30.299 --> 00:28:31.160


Do I want, want to go?00:28:31.430 --> 00:28:33.619


You know instantly if you like something.00:28:33.619 --> 00:28:35.289


You taste something and you like it.00:28:35.299 --> 00:28:36.750


You don't go, Oh, I don't know if I don't like this.00:28:36.940 --> 00:28:38.579


Let me try five more bites.00:28:38.869 --> 00:28:40.109


We immediately are like Why do we00:28:40.109 --> 00:28:41.069


do that with people?00:28:41.109 --> 00:28:41.849


I don't like them.00:28:41.849 --> 00:28:46.579


Like, why are we like, Oh, I guess I'll try to hang out with them like 20 more times and then they backstab you.00:28:46.579 --> 00:28:49.019


And you're like, I should have listened to myself first.00:28:49.019 --> 00:28:55.345


We're ignoring our intuition.00:28:55.355 --> 00:28:55.724


Yes.00:28:56.305 --> 00:28:56.575


Yes.00:28:56.615 --> 00:28:59.115


So we need to not ignore our intuition.00:28:59.275 --> 00:28:59.934


Exactly.00:28:59.934 --> 00:29:07.535


I have an event that I've been trying to get into since It's summer and I've, she's been stringing me along and the event is next week.00:29:07.545 --> 00:29:09.015


She's earlier this week.00:29:09.015 --> 00:29:11.464


She goes, Oh, I had, I have an opening finally.00:29:11.734 --> 00:29:12.835


Would you like this booth?00:29:12.835 --> 00:29:13.974


And I was like, Oh yeah, sure.00:29:14.144 --> 00:29:15.924


Have I got a contract yet a week later?00:29:15.994 --> 00:29:16.855


Absolutely not.00:29:16.865 --> 00:29:17.545


So you know what?00:29:17.724 --> 00:29:19.204


No, I'm not doing it.00:29:19.214 --> 00:29:20.045


It's stressing you out.00:29:20.055 --> 00:29:20.275


It is00:29:20.275 --> 00:29:21.085


stressing me out.00:29:21.105 --> 00:29:21.755


And so00:29:22.095 --> 00:29:23.694


that's not fair to you either.00:29:23.694 --> 00:29:27.164


And do you want to have that feeling again and again, like going forward?00:29:27.224 --> 00:29:32.035


Well, and the thing is, if she really wanted me like all these other people, I would have They would have already got me.00:29:32.035 --> 00:29:42.214


Yeah, she has no idea what I do and everybody else has already been like yes I got immediate yeses with the other ones that I've signed up for a immediate this one doesn't get it So00:29:42.224 --> 00:29:50.214


you're like, I don't feel like I don't feel wanted Yeah, and if they don't want like your product there and you know your presence there then why?00:29:50.634 --> 00:29:51.835


Why waste my time?00:29:51.875 --> 00:29:52.855


So I'm not doing it.00:29:52.865 --> 00:29:53.724


So that's it.00:29:53.734 --> 00:29:55.505


Stop dancing around with this stuff.00:29:55.835 --> 00:30:00.025


Okay Randi, what are some practical ways to politely decline an obligation?00:30:00.115 --> 00:30:02.075


I know we did some role playing, but let's do it again.00:30:02.174 --> 00:30:06.875


Okay, so again, language and communication are powerful tools.00:30:06.884 --> 00:30:11.785


So phrases like, I appreciate you thinking of me, but I can't commit to that.00:30:12.045 --> 00:30:13.214


I like to say however.00:30:13.394 --> 00:30:17.204


I do like however instead of, I appreciate you thinking of me, however.00:30:17.625 --> 00:30:22.315


I can't commit to that right now, but that still leaves me like, maybe I can commit later, right?00:30:22.315 --> 00:30:22.795


Yeah, I don't00:30:22.795 --> 00:30:24.055


even know if I like the right now.00:30:24.055 --> 00:30:25.404


I appreciate you thinking of me,00:30:26.605 --> 00:30:27.154


but no.00:30:27.795 --> 00:30:30.970


Well, and sometimes I'll say I appreciate you thinking of me.00:30:31.049 --> 00:30:34.000


I'm not going to go to this one, but please ask me again in the future.00:30:34.500 --> 00:30:36.190


Because I'm not saying no to you exactly.00:30:36.200 --> 00:30:37.160


Yeah, maybe if you00:30:37.369 --> 00:30:41.759


are open to doing it, but like just right now it's not going to work for you.00:30:41.759 --> 00:30:45.319


And like you can't mentally, you don't have the mental capacity for that.00:30:45.319 --> 00:30:45.890


That's good.00:30:46.019 --> 00:30:47.029


Yeah, keep asking.00:30:47.109 --> 00:30:51.319


Or I'm focusing on prioritizing my blank, my health.00:30:51.535 --> 00:30:52.244


My needs.00:30:52.244 --> 00:30:53.694


My family.00:30:53.694 --> 00:30:54.615


My time.00:30:54.704 --> 00:30:54.914


Yeah.00:30:56.224 --> 00:31:00.545


at the moment, and I can't commit to that right now.00:31:00.731 --> 00:31:01.731


Don't do right now.00:31:01.821 --> 00:31:02.761


I can't commit to that.00:31:02.951 --> 00:31:03.531


Ooh.00:31:03.561 --> 00:31:04.342


See, that's powerful.00:31:04.342 --> 00:31:04.662


Right there.00:31:04.682 --> 00:31:04.852


Yeah.00:31:04.862 --> 00:31:06.172


I can't commit to that.00:31:07.686 --> 00:31:08.027


Period.00:31:08.037 --> 00:31:08.287


Yeah.00:31:08.406 --> 00:31:09.037


But see, look00:31:09.037 --> 00:31:09.227


at me.00:31:09.247 --> 00:31:10.826


I was even I don't have time for that.00:31:10.946 --> 00:31:12.307


Just, I don't have time for that.00:31:12.317 --> 00:31:13.287


Let's just be honest.00:31:13.297 --> 00:31:16.487


And probably the person would probably be like, I probably shouldn't be doing this either.00:31:16.717 --> 00:31:19.977


My friends are asking me are you hosting a party this year?00:31:20.017 --> 00:31:31.057


Cause I usually do one every year and I was just like Honestly, I said no because like I am like barely holding it together like mentally right now And while I do want to spend time with my friends.00:31:31.076 --> 00:31:34.126


I just don't want to like host I don't want to prepare.00:31:34.136 --> 00:31:36.876


I don't want to clean like everything in my house is like a disaster.00:31:36.876 --> 00:31:43.247


I'm like so like no No, I don't know normally I would feel oh bad like people are looking forward to it.00:31:43.247 --> 00:31:47.576


Like I should just do it even if I You know feel like shit right now and I was like00:31:47.576 --> 00:31:51.652


no This year just feels too much to do some of this extra stuff that we've done.00:31:51.922 --> 00:31:54.731


Okay, so how do you maintain your boundaries in your results?00:31:55.112 --> 00:31:57.761


When it feels just easier to like, fine, I'll just give in.00:31:57.761 --> 00:31:58.561


I'll just do it.00:31:58.561 --> 00:31:59.551


I'll just go.00:32:00.122 --> 00:32:01.281


Like, how do you?00:32:01.701 --> 00:32:05.961


It's that if you guys have ever bought a piece of candy for your kids at the checkout aisle.00:32:05.961 --> 00:32:07.932


Oh my god, I'm so bad about this.00:32:07.942 --> 00:32:13.771


They will ask you every single time for the rest of their life, no matter what, because you did it once.00:32:14.021 --> 00:32:19.811


So the minute you give in, they're going to do it again and again and again because you did it once.00:32:19.811 --> 00:32:20.912


And if mom did it once, you did it once.00:32:21.051 --> 00:32:22.122


She might do it again.00:32:22.122 --> 00:32:22.491


Yeah.00:32:22.521 --> 00:32:29.832


But part of it is just remind yourself why you originally said no or why you decided to no longer give in to obligations.00:32:30.061 --> 00:32:31.152


What were you feeling?00:32:31.432 --> 00:32:31.721


Really?00:32:31.721 --> 00:32:37.942


Consider, your long term gains over these short term gains, what is it you're really looking for?00:32:38.622 --> 00:32:39.761


Is it going to burn you out?00:32:39.811 --> 00:32:41.251


Is it something you don't want to do?00:32:41.251 --> 00:32:46.241


If you don't want to take on that project at work because it's not suiting you for your future goals?00:32:46.797 --> 00:32:48.346


It's just going to be a time suck.00:32:48.567 --> 00:32:50.076


Then why are you doing this?00:32:50.086 --> 00:32:50.636


Yeah.00:32:50.846 --> 00:32:53.406


Why are we doing things that we don't want to do anymore?00:32:53.926 --> 00:33:00.247


Yeah, that was like when I was telling you earlier, like I had a friend who said, Oh, some, my coworker dumped all of her caseload on me.00:33:00.257 --> 00:33:01.537


And I was like, why?00:33:01.557 --> 00:33:02.787


Why did you allow that?00:33:02.787 --> 00:33:04.896


Because that's not part of your job description.00:33:05.386 --> 00:33:06.836


I was like, what is that?00:33:06.856 --> 00:33:08.386


And she's I'm so overwhelmed.00:33:08.386 --> 00:33:09.166


I'm so drained.00:33:09.166 --> 00:33:12.086


And I was like, this isn't your job to do their work.00:33:12.196 --> 00:33:13.307


At what point?00:33:13.317 --> 00:33:14.267


Do we say no?00:33:14.267 --> 00:33:16.987


Or do we have to go, to our boss or?00:33:17.267 --> 00:33:20.497


And be like, this isn't conducive to my working environment.00:33:20.497 --> 00:33:30.227


I can't get my, work done and give to, my clients or my cases if I'm worried about doing extra work that isn't even assigned to me.00:33:30.326 --> 00:33:30.346


Yeah.00:33:30.376 --> 00:33:32.717


I love to say, this doesn't suit me.00:33:33.356 --> 00:33:35.247


This no longer works for me.00:33:35.467 --> 00:33:36.656


That's one way I can do it.00:33:36.676 --> 00:33:37.237


Because sometimes This is not00:33:37.237 --> 00:33:38.277


my vibe anymore.00:33:38.616 --> 00:33:38.957


Yeah.00:33:39.007 --> 00:33:40.596


This is not working for me anymore.00:33:40.596 --> 00:33:43.817


I'm, I'm not You know, not that I'm sorry, because that was almost coming out of my mouth.00:33:43.817 --> 00:33:45.106


Yeah, don't say sorry.00:33:45.326 --> 00:33:46.436


Don't say sorry.00:33:46.497 --> 00:33:46.846


I know.00:33:46.946 --> 00:33:48.307


Don't say sorry.00:33:48.317 --> 00:33:51.557


Stop saying I'm sorry for stuff you're not sorry about.00:33:52.636 --> 00:33:55.267


It no longer suits what I want to do in my life.00:33:55.307 --> 00:33:55.747


Yeah.00:33:56.237 --> 00:33:57.876


And that can be for anything.00:33:57.926 --> 00:33:59.076


This no longer suits me.00:33:59.076 --> 00:34:00.116


That no longer fits.00:34:00.126 --> 00:34:00.616


That's it.00:34:00.616 --> 00:34:01.457


It no longer fits.00:34:01.586 --> 00:34:03.007


I just don't have time for it.00:34:03.007 --> 00:34:04.186


I don't have space for it.00:34:04.656 --> 00:34:09.137


I really want everyone to really look at why are we saying yes to things?00:34:09.137 --> 00:34:22.106


We don't want to do Let's all start saying no and doing what we want to do I will no longer do things out of obligation and that's just period i'm not doing it out of obligation And this is what true00:34:22.106 --> 00:34:23.306


self care looks like.00:34:23.317 --> 00:34:28.016


Yes, it's not You know going shopping or a bubble bath or a massage.00:34:28.206 --> 00:34:28.657


Those are good.00:34:28.657 --> 00:34:37.681


Yeah the good don't get me wrong I love those things You But finding out what the root of the problem is at the core and then making changes.00:34:37.681 --> 00:34:39.442


So your overall life.00:34:39.827 --> 00:34:43.117


And your heart and your soul and your mind and stuff are better.00:34:43.496 --> 00:34:47.847


That is Radical self care and that is mental health.00:34:48.027 --> 00:34:49.666


Oh, I like radical self care.00:34:50.206 --> 00:34:51.786


I think I want a shirt that says that00:34:51.976 --> 00:35:05.396


yeah, just radical self care period just like total self care like but like from the bottom up Tearing up the roots, finding the issue, and then focusing on yourself and learning to, I'm so wild, I'm hitting everything.00:35:05.396 --> 00:35:05.927


She is, she is00:35:05.936 --> 00:35:06.806


knocking everything all over.00:35:06.806 --> 00:35:07.226


Learning00:35:07.237 --> 00:35:10.327


to love yourself enough.00:35:10.677 --> 00:35:11.257


To say no.00:35:11.277 --> 00:35:18.666


To say no and to make those changes so that this isn't dragging you down and this isn't causing you, to worry.00:35:18.666 --> 00:35:19.936


This isn't causing you anxiety.00:35:19.936 --> 00:35:21.737


This isn't making you stay in bed.00:35:21.737 --> 00:35:23.436


This isn't causing relationship issues.00:35:23.726 --> 00:35:26.797


Working on the core of who you are00:35:26.947 --> 00:35:32.447


and honestly if you lose some friends from this then maybe they really weren't friends to begin With and yeah, peace out.00:35:32.447 --> 00:35:33.487


Randy's like, peace00:35:33.487 --> 00:35:39.536


out because real friends are gonna understand real friends Appreciate your boundaries.00:35:39.586 --> 00:35:50.021


I cannot Tell you how much I appreciate when I say things to Jess and she goes, oh good boundary and I'm like Because she00:35:50.021 --> 00:35:50.791


will still hold me to it.00:35:50.811 --> 00:35:52.742


She's well, I have to i'm like, oh, okay, but i'm not00:35:52.742 --> 00:36:03.311


very good with boundaries either So i'm like, yeah me and then she's yeah you and I was like, oh But like for somebody who's okay, yeah, like I realized that it's not a negative.00:36:03.331 --> 00:36:09.342


It's a positive And probably like I should be you know, like we're always late and doing stuff all the time.00:36:09.342 --> 00:36:16.760


So we get it but We try to hold each other like accountable and it's that makes for a better friendship accountability.00:36:16.760 --> 00:36:18.016


That's exactly it00:36:18.016 --> 00:36:28.802


accountability And so I I want to show up and I want to be genuine and I want to be honest and I want the people in my life to know that I am there for them because I want to, not because I have to.00:36:29.101 --> 00:36:31.302


I'm a grown ass woman and I don't have to do anything.00:36:31.371 --> 00:36:32.141


And that's just it.00:36:32.172 --> 00:36:35.032


I don't have to say yes out of obligations.00:36:36.351 --> 00:36:36.601


No.00:36:36.672 --> 00:36:37.342


No, I'm not doing it.00:36:37.641 --> 00:36:39.222


The feeling of obligation.00:36:39.231 --> 00:36:39.481


Yes.00:36:39.871 --> 00:36:41.141


Yeah, it's just Okay, fine.00:36:41.141 --> 00:36:42.902


I gotta pay my bills, but Well, yeah.00:36:42.902 --> 00:36:48.911


There's That's an obligation that you've signed up, a contract that you've signed to do, to pay those bills and spend that money.00:36:49.242 --> 00:36:55.211


But I'm saying things that are, like, in your control, that we are just attaching a feeling to.00:36:55.222 --> 00:36:56.472


That's not an obligation.00:36:56.581 --> 00:36:57.791


We are That's guilt.00:36:57.802 --> 00:37:00.592


perceiving it, yeah, as an obligation.00:37:01.012 --> 00:37:04.016


And Again, self compassion.00:37:04.016 --> 00:37:05.936


Remember, it takes time to change these things.00:37:05.947 --> 00:37:07.637


It's not going to happen like that.00:37:08.016 --> 00:37:09.447


You have to see the patterns.00:37:09.447 --> 00:37:14.791


You have to have, self Actualization about it and you have to practice this.00:37:14.862 --> 00:37:23.112


I think I want everybody out there Who's listening to say no to something in the next two weeks that you don't want to do in the next week Okay.00:37:23.112 --> 00:37:26.052


Well, I was gonna give him two weeks now because okay fine in the next week you00:37:26.052 --> 00:37:26.472


got five00:37:26.472 --> 00:37:37.956


days in the next week I want all of y'all to say no to something that you really don't want to do that You know you you're doing out of guilt And so right there, just say, no, thank you.00:37:38.686 --> 00:37:38.887


Yeah.00:37:38.887 --> 00:37:40.666


And we want to hear about it.00:37:40.746 --> 00:37:48.956


Let us know how you are learning to break free from the pressures of these feelings of obligations in your own life.00:37:49.327 --> 00:38:03.067


And if you have found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend, leave us a review, and don't forget to subscribe and follow us for more conversations about women's mental health, self care, and how to live a life that feels authentic and empowering.00:38:03.286 --> 00:38:03.887


Ooh.00:38:03.996 --> 00:38:05.387


Authentic and empowering.00:38:05.956 --> 00:38:06.856


Bye! Boom.