Growing Up With an Emotionally Absent Father

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Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast.

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I'm RandI.

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I'm And I'm Jess.

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And we are two licensed psychotherapists, and this is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges.

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And how all of this is normal, and you are not alone.

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Today we're diving into a topic that can deeply impact women's emotional well being.

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What happens when daughters have emotionally unavailable fathers?

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We're going to define what we mean by emotionally unavailable, explore the effects of it on mental health, and discuss how to embrace, normalize, and support those who have experienced or are experiencing this dynamic.

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Find us and more resources on womensmentalhealthpodcast.

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com.

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We have new and exciting episodes coming up.

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Have you ever had these thoughts?

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What are the signs of an emotionally unavailable father?

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How does having an emotionally unavailable father affect a daughter's self esteem?

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Can the impact of an emotionally unavailable father influence a daughter's future relationships?

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Are there long term psychological effects associated with having an emotionally unavailable father?

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What are some of the ways daughters can cope with an emotional, with that, what are some of the ways daughters can cope with the emotional absence of their father?

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How can a daughter approach

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her father about his emotional

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unavailability?

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What can fathers do to become more emotionally available to their daughters?

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God,

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that's a good question, right?

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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Is it possible to repair the relationship with an emotionally unavailable father?

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How can society support daughters dealing with emotionally unavailable fathers?

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Does the impact of having an emotionally unavailable father differ across cultures or social backgrounds?

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Ooh, that's interesting.

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I've always hated like when they do like the father daughter dances.

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I always feel like what if there isn't a father daughter?

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What does that mean for some of these people that don't have that or their dads can't dance?

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Not that they just can't dance, but like they can't go physically.

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Yeah,

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they have a disability.

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Yeah.

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There's that aspect of it too.

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I want to preface this with, I have had an emotionally unavailable father.

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It could be triggering for us talking about this.

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Just for one.

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Just putting it out there.

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You're not alone in this.

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No,

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but this was such an important topic to talk about because it does affect us.

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And so let's first define it, Randy.

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What does an emotionally, and I actually want to preface too, that we are keeping it as father daughter relationship.

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I'm not going to change this to anything else right now.

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I want to focus as how

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it affects us as women and how it can affect our daughters and generationally I feel like this is something that trends throughout, history, history again and again.

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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So first let's define what is an emotionally unavailable father.

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Okay.

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An, an emotionally unavailable father is a father who is present.

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Physically, but emotionally distant or absent.

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So this can manifest as a lack of emotional expression, a lack of communication, or a lack of support.

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He might avoid discussing feelings, show little interest in his child's emotional life, or be unable to provide comfort and reassurance.

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This is, we kind of joke, we do the mom takes care of the nurturing, dad doesn't.

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I see so many men out there now who are emotionally available and they are supporting their children and they do try to help their daughters when they're having a hard time, right?

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They don't just shy away from that's an emotion, go see your mom.

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that's old school thinking.

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Cool.

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The term emotionally unavailable, it really takes in that idea that despite them even being present in the room, some fathers are not truly accessible on an emotional level.

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They may show up, but they're, they're just in the room.

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This happens for a variety of reasons, It can be their own issues, unresolved emotional issues society's norms for discouraging men.

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Men don't cry.

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Men don't show emotion.

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Their own past trauma.

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It could also be that nobody has encouraged them to show their emotional, their emotions or to be available emotionally.

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So how does this really affect daughters?

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And their mental health.

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In this relationship, a daughter has with her father, it can really significantly shape her self esteem.

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What I always say to my clients, to my husband is that this relationship is the, and we're assuming yes, we're putting assumptions on all this.

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But this, regardless, even if it was.

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A different type of relationship.

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I still feel like you carry that with you.

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The, if it's a positive or a negative trait into any type of relationship.

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Well, but this is their very first relationship.

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This is, you

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know.

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What they're going to hold

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all

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ideals to.

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Exactly.

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We typically mimic our parents relationship unless we're trying to break, some sort of cycle, but we typically will, we mimic these.

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And Donner's.

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Of emotionally unavailable fathers, they may struggle with feelings of unworthiness or rejection or insecurity.

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Like, why am I not good enough?

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Why can he not show up?

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Why did he leave me?

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That's a huge one.

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And so they find it very challenging to trust others or to find.

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form really secure, healthy relationships, especially if they feel like their father didn't even want them.

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Truth.

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And I, yeah, I did that when I was in college, like I chased after every emotionally unavailable person I could, and had tons of toxic relationships because I didn't know what a healthy relationship with a male looked like because that wasn't modeled for me because I did not have.

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My dad was.

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physically in the house, but he was also like a workaholic and, he was gone all the time.

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And then he worked, nights and slept during the day.

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But even when he was there, he wasn't really present.

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And so that did, it led into me having these toxic relationship patterns because I didn't know what that looked like.

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And I had to, Learn and teach myself what that looked like.

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And women, we also experience difficulties recognizing and expressing our own emotions when we have been around somebody and grown up with somebody that was emotionally unavailable, because that's what we've observed is to not have, feelings.

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Exactly.

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That's like when people are like, are you a hugger or you're not a hugger.

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If your family didn't hug, you typically are not a hugger.

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If your family, there are some families where they are super huggy lovey.

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They all lay on the couch together.

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They're all laying all over each other.

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And you're like, okay, let's hug.

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That could be emotionally available, they will take what they grew up with and take it to another family or to their friends.

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And so we do, we emulate what we see growing up and what we're comfortable with.

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And so it's important to recognize that these effects really, they vary depending upon the individual's experience or other factors in their life, like their relationships with other caregivers.

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Maybe mom was super emotionally available.

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And so you learn to have good emotions with yourself and other people, but maybe you just, it's relationships that you have a hard time with.

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Yeah.

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And for me, like my mom was super emotionally.

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Available because of that, but then I learned like that.

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I, I felt like when I became a mother, I needed to be everything to and that I couldn't rely on a partner for that.

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And I learned that I could, but I had to give him space to do that too, because I didn't know what that looked like.

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I didn't know how to give a partner space for that because I never seen it in my own mind.

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Household growing up.

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And so those are things too that you have to allow the other person in too because I thought like I have to be all, giving, all knowing, all, encompassing as a mother and emotionally available instead of sharing that, with my partner.

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So, recently I came across a Psychology Today article, they do all these write ups, really cool stuff, especially if you're a therapist but they went through and said there's nine things when you grow up with an emotionally unavailable or absent father.

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And this is something that when you grow up, you deal with.

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So

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these, you tend to carry on with you into adult relationships.

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They're like wounds.

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Exactly.

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And so the number one is low self esteem.

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They were talking about how daughters of emotionally unavailable fathers, they feel rejected.

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they feel like they're not good enough.

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They didn't deserve the love.

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So they typically will choose men who don't meet their needs and who repeatedly will disappoint them.

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They think that these men would treat them better if only they were better, if they were different, if they were more lovable, because of course, if they were different or better or more lovable, their own father would have been present or wouldn't have left them.

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And it's not true.

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It's not true.

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But your inner child grew up with this concept.

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And so you take it into, and so we use CBT and therapy to change that because that's not true.

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That was your dad's issue.

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And he missed.

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out on some amazing stuff in your life.

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And knowing who you are as a

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person and that's their loss.

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But that also leads into another one, fear of abandonment.

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Because the father's lack of presence is really a form of abandonment.

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I don't think that we really make that connection enough that even though the father was in the home, being not there and not emotionally available is still a form of emotional abandonment.

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I think when we have learned this, when we are in an adult relationship, we unconsciously can push partners away.

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Because we don't want to be abandoned again.

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And a lot of times we don't realize we're doing it.

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And it can create like this toxic cycle in relationships.

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It is.

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I call it the screw you before you screw me.

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I'm going to leave you before you leave me or I'm going to make you leave.

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It's like this self fulfilling prophecy that we do because everybody leaves.

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My own father left.

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So therefore, you're going to leave too.

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Well, if you keep telling someone they're going to leave and you keep pushing, eventually they may actually leave and push.

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That's just how it works.

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When we do that, it also comes across as what they say is neediness.

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We become, not we, but like women, we become very needy in this relationship because, we feel like we, can't get enough of this person.

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We need more.

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We need more reassurance.

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We need more reassurance part because we have felt like we've been abandoned and then we need, we need, we need, but One person can't fulfill everything for you and you need to fulfill a part of that for yourself, too And so There's no balance there when there's that all encompassing need like that.

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It's like when someone says, my better half or, Oh, be my other half.

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No, no.

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Show up as a whole person.

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Let your partnership as a whole.

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They supplement

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you.

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Yes.

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And show up as two people who are amazing together, not two people that make a whole.

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Because that concept isn't really it.

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It becomes needy when you do that.

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So what's another thing that psychology today had talked about, Randy?

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That as, daughters who have turned into adults, we choose emotionally unavailable men, like we talked about, because that is just what we know.

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Ooh, bad boys.

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Yeah.

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And yeah.

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Red flags, red flags, and then that leads into trust issues.

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Mm hmm.

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So we struggle to trust men because our first and most important relationship that we had with a male wasn't safe and wasn't secure.

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You can constantly find ways to test a partner's love, which kind of circles into that neediness too, and that fear of abandonment because you, you don't want to be too vulnerable because you've been hurt before and that's what you know.

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And so that just creates like this cycle of trust issues.

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And

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you keep setting yourself up by choosing somebody who isn't available because it's what you know, and then they're going to leave because you're needy.

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It's this whole cycle thing.

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And so you're constantly trying to.

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earn their love.

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And you shouldn't have to earn love.

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No, you are lovable just for who you are.

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You just keep choosing the wrong people.

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I had a therapist once tell me, and this is years ago, that my picker was broken.

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I kept picking the wrong men.

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You're going to giggle.

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Now picker,

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your picker.

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I did not think that.

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Yes, you did.

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Yes, you did.

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You were giggling, but she kept saying your picker is broken.

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You're picking the wrong men.

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And it was like, okay, I had to take a look at.

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What was I picking?

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What was I choosing?

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And why?

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So that leans into another ideal that they were talking about is attaching too quickly or on the opposite end, not committing at all.

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Oh, miss, I am so non committal.

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I would, I would, I am the first to run.

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I used to be.

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Oh yeah, me too.

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I literally run.

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Just I, I was the ultimate ghoster in my 20s.

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Yeah I'm out, peace, I'm out.

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Just, I'm done, just I Ooh, you like me, I'm out, I'm out.

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I literally had a boyfriend and I just moved in the middle of the day and took everything and left.

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He was a gaslighting narcissist.

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But, I was just like, I'm done, because this is not going anywhere.

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You just moved?

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He came home to an empty apartment.

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Surprise!

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You're so funny.

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I can totally see you doing that too.

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You're like, peace out.

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Not because it was unsafe, because I'm out.

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Screw this.

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When you're not able to commit or you attach too quickly, it doesn't allow you to really become vulnerable.

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And that right there is part of what relationships are, is this vulnerability.

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Yeah.

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If you don't allow the person to truly know who you are at a core and you're always keeping up a wall, it's hard to move past that.

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And another important thing that this can lead into is the.

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We can use sex to affirm our worth as women.

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Oh

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yeah.

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So many women.

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Yeah.

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A lot of times we have sex to feel worthy or we have sex to feel like we're loved or that we are attached to that person.

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We have to do it if we want this, want them to stay with that.

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Or it's like we're pleasing our partner.

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It's not because we want to, we just feel like we need to.

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And that kind of goes back into I feel like we're putting like a price tag on love and intimacy when there shouldn't be.

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And you know how many women have never had like an actual orgasm and you're like, wait, are you having sex?

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And they're like, well, yeah.

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I'm just doing it to get it over with.

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I'm like, Oh my God, a, you're missing out.

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And B, why are you even dealing with that then?

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Because they're not getting their emotional needs met because they have never been taught.

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Not that your father's supposed to teach that.

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Let me clarify that.

00:14:42.809 --> 00:14:48.809
But if you are with, if your father is unlovable, you feel unworthy and unworthy people don't ask for their needs.

00:14:48.830 --> 00:14:51.399
They don't feel they're worth asking these for these needs.

00:14:51.870 --> 00:14:54.740
And so it all just keeps, like you said, snowballing.

00:14:55.029 --> 00:15:00.570
And then they crave attention, like negative attention, Like any attention.

00:15:00.580 --> 00:15:01.159
Yeah.

00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:03.500
Flirtatious getting attention from men.

00:15:03.500 --> 00:15:06.289
It's, being happy because, oh, they noticed you.

00:15:06.289 --> 00:15:09.210
They talk to you, oh, they must be into me.

00:15:09.365 --> 00:15:09.634
Yeah.

00:15:09.634 --> 00:15:13.394
Feeling that your worth is based off of that attention.

00:15:13.404 --> 00:15:13.684
Yeah.

00:15:13.684 --> 00:15:45.034
And looks and social media following, and things like that, the amount of likes you get or the amount, of people that are talking about you Another thing too, is that you can put men on a pedestal and think that they can do no wrong, that they are like this great, all knowing And discount maybe if there are red flags or they aren't a good person or they have, major flaws that aren't good for you because you just are so fearful of not having somebody

00:15:45.095 --> 00:15:46.404
and you don't think you're worthy.

00:15:46.434 --> 00:15:52.575
So you don't go for men again who are worth you, worth your time rather.

00:15:52.784 --> 00:15:58.605
the last thing we said earlier is you're not attracted to nice guys, bad boys, they don't want commitments.

00:15:58.875 --> 00:16:00.034
we want to fix.

00:16:00.080 --> 00:16:03.940
Somebody, because we couldn't fix our father.

00:16:04.297 --> 00:16:10.486
So maybe the next guy we will be able to fix and that we can heal that wound through that.

00:16:10.496 --> 00:16:14.576
But really the only way to heal this is to start noticing the patterns.

00:16:15.072 --> 00:16:20.552
That happened to you as a child and within yourself and work on your self love journey.

00:16:20.782 --> 00:16:21.542
Exactly.

00:16:21.562 --> 00:16:29.471
Because when you figure out that your dad left or your dad wasn't emotionally available, it had nothing to do with you.

00:16:29.751 --> 00:16:29.892
Yeah.

00:16:29.892 --> 00:16:31.861
You are not responsible for that.

00:16:31.892 --> 00:16:38.532
You were a child and maybe he did his best and his best was not enough and that's okay.

00:16:38.751 --> 00:16:40.261
And maybe he didn't do his best.

00:16:40.261 --> 00:16:44.611
Maybe he didn't know how to do it, didn't care, didn't want to, was whatever it was.

00:16:44.662 --> 00:16:45.761
That's not about you.

00:16:45.782 --> 00:16:48.631
That is about him and his choices.

00:16:49.011 --> 00:16:55.422
Last time I saw a picture of my biological father, he was holding a sign down in South America saying honk if you love Jesus.

00:16:55.822 --> 00:16:59.532
I think he's on his sixth or seventh or eighth marriage he is just.

00:17:00.496 --> 00:17:01.236
out there.

00:17:01.667 --> 00:17:03.336
None of that was about me.

00:17:04.247 --> 00:17:05.277
That was about him

00:17:05.277 --> 00:17:06.136
and his choices.

00:17:06.527 --> 00:17:16.666
And you could carry that with you if you wanted to and feel like this is him rejecting me, but it has nothing to do with who you are as a person today.

00:17:16.767 --> 00:17:17.146
No.

00:17:17.146 --> 00:17:24.287
And I didn't really learn some of that until, way older, but I don't even know if he knows I have a daughter, Because he'll never meet her.

00:17:24.392 --> 00:17:27.511
Because she is so much worth and me as well.

00:17:27.882 --> 00:17:31.862
I am worth so much more than what he ever did.

00:17:31.872 --> 00:17:33.701
And I'm not doing it.

00:17:33.701 --> 00:17:35.882
That is a hard boundary that I put in place for that.

00:17:35.882 --> 00:17:37.451
And we should talk about that in different podcasts.

00:17:38.521 --> 00:17:46.692
But yeah, it is so important to recognize that when your father, whether they show up, they're absent, they're not emotionally available, that's them.

00:17:46.761 --> 00:17:48.991
It does not reflect upon you.

00:17:49.011 --> 00:17:50.362
It is not your fault.

00:17:50.852 --> 00:17:53.862
You don't have to own any of that anymore.

00:17:53.951 --> 00:17:54.642
You don't.

00:17:55.231 --> 00:17:57.511
Should we go through and answer our Have You Evers, Randy?

00:17:57.781 --> 00:17:58.201
Yeah.

00:17:58.211 --> 00:18:01.071
So what are the signs of an emotionally unavailable father?

00:18:01.442 --> 00:18:02.612
Okay, so that's a good one.

00:18:02.731 --> 00:18:13.811
So some of the signs include a lack of emotional support, minimal affection or effort, little to no active interest in your life, in the daughter's life.

00:18:14.211 --> 00:18:19.471
The inability to discuss any kind of feelings or avoiding those meaningful conversations.

00:18:19.682 --> 00:18:22.942
Not to say they're not going to be weirded out by the period conversation, right?

00:18:22.942 --> 00:18:27.821
Well, okay, fine, but if you're upset, show up.

00:18:27.832 --> 00:18:28.932
How can I help?

00:18:29.001 --> 00:18:34.342
I let me talk to me about it and maybe they don't know how to necessarily show up about everything.

00:18:34.711 --> 00:18:36.291
But to at least be there,

00:18:36.541 --> 00:18:39.582
the bare minimum is better than nothing, right?

00:18:40.082 --> 00:18:46.102
Not that that we should achieve for the bare minimum, but even something is better than nothing.

00:18:46.112 --> 00:18:49.527
If you can tell when somebody is Actively trying.

00:18:49.557 --> 00:19:01.217
Even if they don't know how to do all the right things or say the right things, or always have the right actions, just that they try is, can speak volumes.

00:19:01.247 --> 00:19:08.207
And honestly, if there's a guy out there listening to this and they don't know how to even have that conversation with their daughter, that's exactly how you do it.

00:19:08.207 --> 00:19:09.886
You say, just ask, what do you need from me?

00:19:09.916 --> 00:19:10.696
Yeah, I, what do you need?

00:19:10.696 --> 00:19:11.777
What can I do to help?

00:19:11.777 --> 00:19:12.376
I don't know.

00:19:12.376 --> 00:19:13.906
I don't have the right answers.

00:19:13.906 --> 00:19:15.406
I don't know what to do.

00:19:15.686 --> 00:19:16.646
But I wanna support you.

00:19:17.037 --> 00:19:22.576
And that right there is so huge for your daughter to know that you're there to support her.

00:19:22.586 --> 00:19:27.166
You just don't know what to say because I, you don't, you've never dealt with this before.

00:19:27.166 --> 00:19:28.527
you weren't taught to handle this.

00:19:28.856 --> 00:19:33.416
So Randy, how does having an emotionally unavailable father affect a daughter's self esteem?

00:19:33.926 --> 00:20:14.217
So when you do not have somebody as important as a father figure in your life showing you emotional availability, you can develop low self esteem, feelings of being unworthy, unworthy of love, unworthy of attention, a lot of self-doubt, doubting their values, and struggling with their confidence, especially in relationships. This can leak into social settings and stuff, too, because if you don't feel like you're worthy, and you don't feel like you're seen, and you don't feel like you're loved, like you learn to minimize and dole yourself, and dole your shine, because you don't know, you've never been put in that spotlight.

00:20:14.217 --> 00:20:15.807
You haven't been put on a pedestal.

00:20:15.807 ---> 00:20:17.596
You haven't been made to feel worthy.

00:20:18.257 ---> 00:20:24.346
So how Does emotionally unavailable fathers influence a daughter and their future relationship?

00:20:24.797 ---> 00:20:26.477
So what we were talking about is

00:20:26.477 ---> 00:20:31.477
that daughters might choose partners who are also emotionally distant or can't be together.

00:20:31.537 ---> 00:20:43.727
They might continue this cycle of unfulfilling relationships where they're going to have trust with intimacy and they're not going to choose men who are worthy of them.

00:20:43.767 ---> 00:20:44.297
Yeah, they're not

00:20:44.297 ---> 00:20:45.616
going to choose men who choose them.

00:20:46.241 ---> 00:20:47.692
Yeah, exactly.

00:20:47.852 ---> 00:20:50.721
And that's where you got to learn to to choose yourself first.

00:20:50.862 ---> 00:20:51.491
So I like

00:20:51.491 ---> 00:20:51.882
that.

00:20:52.051 ---> 00:20:52.672
Yeah, I like

00:20:52.672 ---> 00:20:53.211
that Okay.

00:20:53.432 --> 00:20:58.872
So are there any long-term psychological effects associated with having an emotionally unavailable father?

00:20:59.132 ---> 00:21:12.579
Definitely, and that can include things like anxiety, depression, trust issues, and difficulty managing your emotions. It can also lead to a chronic need for validation and wanting approval from others.

00:21:12.589 ---> 00:21:16.430
Like we were talking about that neediness and that attention-seeking behavior.

00:21:16.950 ---> 00:21:22.140
Just what are some ways our daughters can cope with emotionally absent fathers?

00:21:22.595 ---> 00:21:33.634
So some coping strategies obviously are going to be go get therapy, seek therapy, get some establishing supportive social networks, and engage in self-care.

00:21:34.009 ---> 00:21:39.930
Sometimes it's also finding that when I was talking earlier about the father-daughter dance, I didn't want to hate on it entirely.

00:21:39.930 ---> 00:21:41.150
I don't want people to dad

00:21:41.369 ---> 00:21:44.130
didn't, my cousin took me to my father-daughter dance.

00:21:44.140 ---> 00:21:44.960
That's exactly it.

00:21:44.960 ---> 00:21:46.670
But I still talk about it to this day.

00:21:46.680 ---> 00:21:47.119
Yeah,

00:21:47.329 ---> 00:21:54.130
find somebody who can step in and be emotionally available For you, that father figure.

00:21:54.390 ---> 00:21:56.140
Mine was my stepdad.

00:21:56.140 ---> 00:22:03.240
He, I call him; I talk about it as my dad now, but like he was the one I remember, bonding with him when my mom was pregnant.

00:22:03.240 ---> 00:22:06.190
She was so sick that he was the one that's like, All right, let's go out.

00:22:06.200 ---> 00:22:08.339
He's still the one that I would call.

00:22:08.339 ---> 00:22:11.309
I'm recalling I'm going to cry calling him when Hold on.

00:22:11.549 ---> 00:22:11.779
This is

00:22:11.779 ---> 00:22:12.109
dumb.

00:22:12.240 ---> 00:22:12.549
Sorry.

00:22:12.559 ---> 00:22:14.150
It's not dumb, Jess.

00:22:14.190 ---> 00:22:15.970
Don't say your feelings are dumb.

00:22:16.019 ---> 00:22:16.250
See?

00:22:16.299 ---> 00:22:16.480
No.

00:22:16.599 ---> 00:22:18.220
See, I like; I don't like crying.

00:22:18.220 ---> 00:22:20.490
He stepped in for you.

00:22:20.680 ---> 00:22:20.869
Yes.

00:22:20.880 ---> 00:22:22.799
And he showed you that you were worthy.

00:22:22.849 ---> 00:22:23.119
Yes.

00:22:23.130 ---> 00:22:26.420
And that you weren't just there because he was married to your mom.

00:22:26.450 ---> 00:22:30.065
That you were worthy Who you were as a person,

00:22:30.095 ---> 00:22:30.414
right?

00:22:30.414 ---> 00:22:35.454
I remember calling him crying once when I was having a hard time in a class.

00:22:35.474 ---> 00:22:45.194
I accidentally took this like class where we were looking at cadavers in like way early in undergrad because back then you had to hit numbers on a phone and I hit the wrong number.

00:22:45.634 ---> 00:22:47.994
And he was like, I was like, this is not what I want.

00:22:48.005 ---> 00:22:49.335
He was like, it's okay to withdraw.

00:22:49.710 ---> 00:22:52.519
It's okay to drop the class, and I was like, wait, I can do that.

00:22:52.529 ---> 00:22:54.619
Like he gave me permission to,

00:22:54.819 ---> 00:22:56.019
feel how you were feeling.

00:22:56.059 ---> 00:22:56.950
Exactly.

00:22:56.960 ---> 00:22:57.950
And I dated you.

00:22:57.980 ---> 00:22:58.579
Yeah.

00:22:58.579 ---> 00:23:02.329
And so it was just, it was so nice to have somebody else.

00:23:02.339 ---> 00:23:04.670
So find a role model; find somebody else.

00:23:04.759 ---> 00:23:09.855
If your father is not available, because not all All men are emotionally unavailable, right?

00:23:10.325 ---> 00:23:17.035
So if you are a daughter and you want to approach your father about his emotional unavailability, how does that kind of look?

00:23:17.244 ---> 00:23:22.515
Be honest, ask him, in a non-confrontational manner, you don't want to be like, why are you such a jerk?

00:23:22.805 ---> 00:23:25.565
Just ask him what is going on?

00:23:25.595 ---> 00:23:27.974
Is he uncomfortable with your emotions?

00:23:27.984 ---> 00:23:30.085
Is he uncomfortable showing emotions?

00:23:30.454 ---> 00:23:32.184
Is it something that.

00:23:32.759 ---> 00:23:39.829
he didn't grow up with, or he doesn't know how to model; the other thing is to use your I statements and tell him what you need.

00:23:40.140 ---> 00:23:45.759
a lot of men just need black and white, like maybe write out a list and be like, this is what I need from you, dad.

00:23:45.759 ---> 00:23:50.609
Seriously, I need you to call me like this time, once a week, I need you to check in with me.

00:23:50.609 ---> 00:23:52.480
I need you to show up for this.

00:23:52.480 ---> 00:23:57.509
And if he does, or doesn't like you've been Put that out there and you can move forward.

00:23:57.509 ---> 00:24:01.970
Maybe even opening that door is all that that person needs to step through.

00:24:02.009 ---> 00:24:07.374
Or maybe it's time for you to close that door knowing that you tried and move on towards your self-healing.

00:24:07.374 ---> 00:24:07.730
Exactly.

00:24:07.730 ---> 00:24:08.444
You've given

00:24:08.444 ---> 00:24:09.516
him a chance.

00:24:09.516 ---> 00:24:12.015
And if he can't meet your needs,.

00:24:12.384 ---> 00:24:14.505
It's okay to say these are my needs again.

00:24:14.654 ---> 00:24:15.775
This is that boundary.

00:24:15.775 --> 00:24:24.224
This is that whole thing of what you know, exactly So Randy, what can fathers do to become more emotionally available to their daughters who are wanting more?

00:24:24.255 ---> 00:24:26.244
right really work on their?

00:24:26.275 ---> 00:24:43.954
emotional intelligence Work on being more present, not just physically, but like emotionally and being more attentive, like listening to them, learning how to communicate better, actively listening, participating in their daughter's activities, and showing up for them.

00:24:43.964 ---> 00:24:45.515
Go to Girl Scouts, even if

00:24:45.525 --> 00:24:48.914
you're the dude there; go show up at Girl Scouts or Brownies.

00:24:48.914 ---> 00:24:49.345
Yeah, show up

00:24:49.375 ---> 00:24:51.954
to their play, show up to their recital.

00:24:52.055 ---> 00:24:53.055
Not just their school.

00:24:53.204 ---> 00:24:53.644
Sporting event.

00:24:54.224 ---> 00:24:57.115
Show up to whatever it is they're doing.

00:24:57.125 ---> 00:25:02.615
Drive them and their friends around and be like, all right, here, I'll just be the chauffeur, and that's fine.

00:25:02.615 ---> 00:25:02.924
Drive them.

00:25:02.954 ---> 00:25:03.365
Yeah.

00:25:03.664 ---> 00:25:04.565
And if.

00:25:04.839 ---> 00:25:08.819
You still feel at a loss and you really are wanting to meet a need.

00:25:09.069 ---> 00:25:16.230
Find somebody that can do family therapy with you guys and give you a safe space and help guide those conversations.

00:25:16.259 ---> 00:25:18.400
There is nothing shameful about that.

00:25:18.410 ---> 00:25:19.470
That is powerful.

00:25:19.470 ---> 00:25:20.470
That is empowering.

00:25:20.480 ---> 00:25:32.180
You can restructure your whole life propelling forward and give your daughter an ideal of who she should have relationships with and what she should look for and look up to.

00:25:32.190 ---> 00:25:38.230
So, Just, do you think it is possible to repair a relationship with an emotionally unavailable father?

00:25:40.055 ---> 00:25:43.065
Only if both sides want it.

00:25:43.494 --> 00:25:48.944
Again, if both sides feel like it's, I want this, it's possible, then yes, you can.

00:25:49.194 ---> 00:25:54.355
But you're going to need what you're just talking about: going into therapy, having open communication.

00:25:54.394 ---> 00:25:54.974
Effort.

00:25:55.095 ---> 00:25:55.585
Effort.

00:25:55.585 ---> 00:25:56.444
Showing up.

00:25:56.500 ---> 00:25:56.930
Yeah.

00:25:56.930 ---> 00:26:01.369
And actually showing up a lot of men as they get older, right?

00:26:01.380 ---> 00:26:10.490
A lot of our fathers realize that they were doing what society taught or they, I don't know, I don't want to say they get softer in their older years, but they become regrets.

00:26:10.529 ---> 00:26:10.809
Yeah.

00:26:10.809 ---> 00:26:12.170
They have these regrets.

00:26:12.170 ---> 00:26:12.849
Exactly.

00:26:12.849 ---> 00:26:19.150
And then they want to show up and you can decide whether or not they show up or not, or whether you're going to give them space.

00:26:19.880 ---> 00:26:21.329
Because a lot of people are like, nah.

00:26:21.464 ---> 00:26:24.815
You had me for 18 years and couldn't even give me space.

00:26:24.855 ---> 00:26:28.924
And now you want me when I'm on my own or I'm amazing.

00:26:28.934 ---> 00:26:30.505
And I know how amazing I am.

00:26:30.845 ---> 00:26:34.644
You can make that decision to be available or not available.

00:26:34.644 ---> 00:26:36.015
It's really up to you.

00:26:36.414 ---> 00:26:40.565
So Randi, how can society support daughters dealing with all of this?

00:26:41.035 ---> 00:26:51.634
Well, I think as a society as a whole, this is very common for there not to be an emotionally available male in a daughter's or son's life.

00:26:52.087 ---> 00:27:13.583
so it's important to provide resources for family counseling or therapy support groups and really promote and talk about how paternal engagement is so important in a child and their mental health and their overall physical and well-being as they are growing.

00:27:13.946 ---> 00:27:21.626
So Jess, do you think the impact of having an emotionally unavailable father differs across cultures or social backgrounds?

00:27:22.277 --> 00:27:23.166
I think it does.

00:27:23.207 --> 00:27:28.596
I think that there are different expectations throughout different cultures and social backgrounds.

00:27:28.896 --> 00:27:33.876
I think that some societies and cultures, the men are much more involved.

00:27:33.977 --> 00:27:37.156
And so you don't get the emotionally unavailable father.

00:27:37.586 --> 00:27:41.196
I think in some, the expectation is that the father is never present.

00:27:41.586 --> 00:27:44.007
And so maybe there's not that need.

00:27:44.136 --> 00:27:47.297
You're maybe not looking to fill that because that's just the norm.

00:27:47.632 --> 00:27:48.122
I don't know.

00:27:48.122 ---> 00:27:49.531
I think you're still looking to fill it.

00:27:49.531 ---> 00:27:55.281
I think you still want it, but you accept it easier because that is the norm, because that is the expectation.

00:27:55.281 ---> 00:27:56.571
And so I think it's different.

00:27:56.922 ---> 00:28:07.686
I think that if your needs, regardless of society norms or social backgrounds, aren't being met, that it's really okay to say these are my needs and ask for them to be met.

00:28:07.977 ---> 00:28:14.166
Otherwise you're going to start doing the things that we went off that list saying I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.

00:28:14.457 ---> 00:28:14.916
It's true.

00:28:14.957 ---> 00:28:15.557
That is hilarious.

00:28:15.676 ---> 00:28:17.666
But yes, that's exactly it.

00:28:17.676 ---> 00:28:17.997
So I

00:28:17.997 ---> 00:28:19.967
mean, just look at these dating shows.

00:28:19.987 ---> 00:28:21.717
Like they're such a shit show.

00:28:21.717 ---> 00:28:29.332
Like when I watched them and I am just, I am psychoanalyzing like all these young girls, like, oh my gosh, the issues they have.

00:28:29.342 ---> 00:28:37.261
But seeing like me also in them when I was that age and being confused and not understanding what a healthy relationship looks like.

00:28:37.291 ---> 00:28:38.162
And so that's why.

00:28:38.541 ---> 00:28:47.971
It is so important to remember that when you are healing from things and from the effects of an emotionally unavailable father like this, it is a journey.

00:28:48.561 ---> 00:29:04.172
It takes time, it takes self-compassion, it takes empathy, and it takes patience, but it is possible to break these cycles and it is possible to build emotional connections that are strong and to really develop a healthier.

00:29:04.227 ---> 00:29:10.553
And it's really important to have that sense of who you are so that you can carry that into your current relationship or future relationship.

00:29:10.573 ---> 00:29:23.182
And if you ever have daughters, help them navigate that so that they have a strong sense of worth or that you have brought a partner into your life that shows them what it is to be emotionally available.

00:29:23.428 --> 00:29:29.768
I want to wrap this up, but I want to note that it is possible to work through this and still get triggered eventually.

00:29:29.778 ---> 00:29:30.847
I don't normally cry.

00:29:30.857 ---> 00:29:31.567
I'm not the crier.

00:29:31.567 ---> 00:29:34.337
That's why I was like earlier, this is so dumb, which is so not dumb.

00:29:34.337 ---> 00:29:36.167
That's just my defense mechanism, right?

00:29:36.397 ---> 00:29:40.893
But it is okay to work through this and then be triggered every once in a while.

00:29:41.202 ---> 00:29:42.863
to know that you're not broken.

00:29:43.113 ---> 00:29:44.673
this is something that has happened.

00:29:44.792 ---> 00:29:46.623
And you can recover.

00:29:46.813 ---> 00:29:53.792
And as you work through it, you recover a lot faster because you know that those thoughts that were when you were younger are not true still.

00:29:53.843 ---> 00:29:54.083
Yeah.

00:29:54.083 ---> 00:29:57.182
It's always hard to wade through things, no matter.

00:29:57.182 ---> 00:30:03.438
And even when you think you have healed everything, like Jess said, you can be triggered and can bring An instant up.

00:30:03.448 ---> 00:30:04.367
But that doesn't mean.

00:30:04.548 ---> 00:30:05.587
Yeah, because I don't normally cry.

00:30:05.827 ---> 00:30:06.518
Oh, it just

00:30:06.518 ---> 00:30:12.147
means that you're human and that you are moving forward and that's always a good sign.

00:30:12.238 ---> 00:30:12.897
Exactly.

00:30:13.087 ---> 00:30:13.377
All right.

00:30:13.387 ---> 00:30:14.357
Well, take care.

00:30:14.397 ---> 00:30:16.678
Take care of your mental health and each other.

00:30:17.077 ---> 00:30:17.928
We'll see you next time.