Transcript
WEBVTT
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Welcome back to the Women's Mental Health Podcast.
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I'm Randi.
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And I'm Jess.
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And we're two licensed psychotherapists.
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This is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges.
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And how all of this is normal and you are not alone.
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Today we're addressing a deeply personal and challenging topic.
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My husband is a narcissist.
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How do I deal with him?
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We're going to explore what it means to be married to a narcissist and how it impacts your mental health and practical strategies to cope.
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And this could also be, you just have a relationship with them, they're a boyfriend, they're a partner.
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A child, a boss.
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It could be anybody,
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And really our husbands aren't narcissists.
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But I have been in a relationship with one before, so I speak from experience have you ever had these thoughts, how can I identify if my husband is a narcissist?
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What impact can a narcissistic partner have on my mental health?
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How can I set boundaries with a narcissist?
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Is it possible to
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have a healthy relationship with somebody who is a narcissist?
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How can I cope with the emotional manipulation from a narcissistic partner?
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What role does self care play in dealing with a narcissistic
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spouse?
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Is it possible for a narcissistic boyfriend to change his or her girlfriend behavior?
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Just go for the they.
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Just be like
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they.
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Is it possible
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for a narcissist to change Okay.
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How do I communicate effectively with a narcissist, especially if
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it's my child?
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What are some red flags to watch out for in a relationship with a narcissist?
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Where can I find additional support and resources for dealing with a narcissistic husband, wife, girlfriend, spouse, child,
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boss, mailman, whoever, this goes on and on, friend.
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD, is a mental condition characterized by an inflated sense of self importance.
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A deep need for excessive attention and admiration a lack of empathy for others Lots of troubled relationships, too.
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Yeah, they're preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or the ideal love.
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They never feel filled.
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They believe that they're special and unique and everyone should want to be around them.
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And they require, excessive attention and admiration.
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They want to be at the center of anything.
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And when they aren't, they get angry.
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So this term comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus.
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I can't say that.
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A young man who fell in love with his own reflection.
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So if that doesn't tell you, they just love themselves.
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Yeah.
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I don't know what does.
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if you're married or in a relationship with somebody who is a narcissist, you're going to feel constantly belittled, manipulated, and really emotionally drained because their need to control you and their need for admiration, it creates this environment where you feel like your own needs are neglected, and you're going to be putting Everybody else in this person first because you do not feel worthy anymore after being with somebody or around somebody who is a narcissist.
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So let's talk about the
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signs that your spouse, partner, boyfriend, husband, girlfriend might be a narcissist.
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What are some common traits?
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The first one is grandiosity.
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Did I say that right?
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Grandiosity?
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Grandiosity?
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I always say it.
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Say it however you want.
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Yeah, it's like potato patata.
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It's really just this exaggerated sense of self importance.
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They're so important.
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They have a lack of empathy, the inability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
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Mm hmm.
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And then there's the need for admiration.
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Which is this constant and constant need for praise and validation.
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And tell me how amazing I am.
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And Oh, look how awesome this is.
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Entitlement.
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They're very entitled.
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They believe that they deserve special treatment.
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They believe that everybody should follow them, that they should have, Obedience over everybody, that you should hang on their every word and do everything they say they have very manipulative behavior and they use others to achieve their goals.
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They don't care about how they're going to get to the top.
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They just want to get to the top.
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Mm hmm.
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When you can understand these traits you have to first to be able to recognize them and the impact that they're having on your mental health.
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Because living with somebody who is a narcissist, it leads to anxiety and depression, low self esteem, a sense of isolation.
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It's really a form of abuse.
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The way that you're treated, it is abusive.
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it is really crucial to acknowledge how it all affects you and really seek ways to protect your mental health.
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When you live with a narcissist, it can feel like you're walking on eggshells at all time, because if you make a wrong move, They are going to dismiss you and we learn that we feel like we need to admire them and they need to be the center of our universe all the time and if not, they're not going to love us anymore.
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And they typically do things called love bombing at the beginning, like they make you feel like you're the most important person in their world and then you fall for it and then they flip the script and they're like, wait, wait, no.
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how can we cope with a narcissistic?
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partner.
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Let's talk about some strategies for that.
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As always, set your boundaries.
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Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
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Bitch.
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Yes.
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when you set boundaries with people, you are telling them how you want to be treated.
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First, clearly define what behavior is acceptable and what isn't, and then stick to these consistently.
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Write it down, make a note, text it to yourself, and read it every day if you have a hard time sticking with it.
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If you go through the grocery store aisle and you buy your kid a candy bar one time, they're going to ask for a candy bar for the remainder of your life.
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You just need to do it once because you gave in once.
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So stick to your boundaries and make them hard boundaries and figure out what that is.
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And if you don't understand boundaries, go back and listen to our boundary episode.
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Another tool is to limit emotional reactions.
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Narcissists often provoke you on purpose to get an emotional response.
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They like things big and crazy, and they feel like it's bringing attention.
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they've often learned that their behavior, when negative, gets them attention, so then they do that in a relationship.
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So if you stay calm and composed, not that you're not supposed to not feel your feelings, but in this moment, if you don't feel their fire, That empowers you and helps you maintain control over yourself and the situation.
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Because if you don't, they're gonna turn around on you and say that you are the crazy one.
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They're gonna gaslight you.
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They're gonna say that this is all your fault.
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You are the one that's blown up or crazy or crying and it's manipulation right there.
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If you're having a hard time with any of these maintaining controls or maintaining your boundaries, as always, seek support.
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Go to your friend, go to your therapist, go to family, find someone who can help provide that external support and validation and really give you, I want to say practical advice, but help you come up with a solution
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Focus on yourself.
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Spend time with yourself.
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Work on self care.
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When you engage in activities or hobbies or taking time for things that you love, you are nurturing your mental and physical well being.
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when your glass is full, You are more resilient.
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So when you're going through something like this and you're trying to get out of a situation or you're dealing with a narcissist like at work or at school, when you are full of care for yourself and your self worth, it makes it easier to navigate these hard things.
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And as we always say, educate yourself.
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Yes.
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Educate yourself.
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Learn more about it.
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Learn more about how you respond to it.
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What these behaviors and the dynamics are.
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Always consider professional help.
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Sometimes when you're dealing with a narcissist, your friends may not be able to help walk you through this.
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Find somebody who specializes in this kind of behavior.
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Yeah.
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Make sure they have a specialty in narcissistic personality disorder so they know how to help you best.
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Mm
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hmm.
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As always, it's important for us to normalize this conversation, especially about being in a relationship with somebody who isn't.
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is a narcissist or has narcissistic personality traits because so many women feel so ashamed and alone in their experiences.
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when you create a supportive community, when you can discuss these things openly, you don't feel alone.
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Let's walk through again how you can set boundaries specifically with a narcissist.
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Again, establish those clear boundaries, write them down, tell them to yourself, communicate them with your partner, communicate assertively, effectively, calmly, prioritize your self care, and these will help you set your boundaries with a narcissist.
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Okay.
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So Randy, is it actually possible though, to have a healthy relationship with a husband or a spouse or partner that is a narcissist.
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It's very challenging and While you can establish boundaries that can start towards that, really seeking therapy for both individuals and fostering that open communication can really improve the relationship dynamics.
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If it's somebody that is in your life, or that you want to continue being in your life, You need to work on healing the relationship.
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So just how can I cope with the emotional manipulation that happens from a narcissist?
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You'll need to practice self awareness.
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Be aware of when you are being manipulated because that's the first part when you can acknowledge that, If you need to go to a support group or go to your therapist When you can acknowledge that manipulation, you can then prioritize your own emotional well being to navigate around the manipulation and to call, I'm going to say it, call out the bullshit in a way that's going to be effective.
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So Jess, do you think it's possible for a narcissist to change their behavior?
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I want to be like, no, I don't think so, but I don't think that's true.
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I think people can, I think the only way they really can is if they want to.
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People don't change unless they want to.
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Some people don't realize that they have these traits or that they are narcissists.
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Some people don't care because it's all about them.
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I don't know if they really can, unless they want to.
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I think that's true with anything, in our lives.
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So how, again, do we communicate effectively, especially with somebody who is a narcissist?
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Using very clear and assertive communication that respects your boundaries, Avoid engaging in these power struggles because that again is the manipulation.
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Don't lose your shit.
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don't get into these arguments because then it becomes very much, he said, she said, she said, she said, whatever, and they feed off of that, right?
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And then if you want to maintain this relationship.
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Go to couples therapy if it's a partner.
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Work with somebody to teach you how to get out of these cycles.
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to get out of the cycles, it's through emotionally focused couples therapy.
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There is a specific therapy for this to stop these cycles.
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Randi, let's What are some of the red flags to watch out for when you're in a relationship with somebody who is narcissistic?
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Patterns of manipulation, like Jessica was talking about, like see when these things are happening, become more self aware of them.
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Notice if there's a lack of empathy, that there is really no care or compassion for you when you are feeling this way.
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feeling things or they're doing things in your relationship that make you uncomfortable.
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Watch for gaslighting.
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We talk about that in a previous episode.
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If you want to dip your toes into understanding more about gaslighting notice if they need the constant need for validation, but then they don't validate you at all.
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These are all major red flags in a relationship with a narcissistic partner.
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And just where can you find additional support and resources for dealing with a narcissist?
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It
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is way more common than we realize to be in a relationship with somebody who is a narcissist.
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Sorry, I'm going to pause real quick.
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somebody may exhibit traits of narcissists too, but they might not be diagnosable.
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We use the term very loosely in social media.
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So it's good to understand that they need to have all.
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six traits to be diagnosable, but that doesn't mean you're still not dealing with an aspect of this.
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Exactly.
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There can be narcissistic traits, there can actually be the personality disorder and it varies a lot.
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It's all based upon these little rules that we have to go through in this book.
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But either way find a therapist who specializes in this.
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Go join your online communities to seek support.
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Research and read.
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I have nothing against TikTok or Instagram and learning from them because so many people are sharing, but also look for some sources that are backed up.
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Yeah.
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Because those are like a starting point.
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Exactly.
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They're like the tip of the iceberg.
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Yes.
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On the.
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depth that you should really do and the research you should find on this subject.
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That's why we talk about this on our podcast.
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We want to bring up awareness, but we can't spend, 25 hours talking about just one thing.
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It's a starting point to give you a brief bullet point and I back it up with our research on our website too, because I do a lot of more in depth articles on there.
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a lot of times people are like, Oh, I didn't know that.
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Actually I'm going to sidetrack for a second.
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I posted a real last night about ADHD, And this real, it wasn't one that I did.
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I just, reposted it and it talked about a social battery.
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Well, I have a friend who is ADHD and she's 10 years older than me.
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And she said, I never knew about a social battery.
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sometimes just the knowledge of this, these are starting points to help you start to understand and to do more research with what feels congruent to you.
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So really, we want you to embrace.
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And show support for yourself and for other people who are dealing with this.
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we really need to practice empathy and understanding.
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Even if we are not in this situation, we might need to know somebody else that's going through it.
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And so it helps if you're aware about it and then encourage discussions.
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Maybe you see.
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See this in somebody you know, or a friend or a coworker, and you can still offer support and validate how they're feeling and their experiences.
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always remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
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And honestly, if you see some of these signs in yourself.
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It's okay to check with somebody and be like, do you think I am, and that somebody needs to be a professional, but to check with them and say, this is what I do.
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Is this this behavior?
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And if so, how can I change this or how can I work through this?
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it's not just about seeing it in other people, but starting to recognize some of what you do as well.
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So just remember that you are not alone and there is so much help available for you.
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We hope our discussion on dealing with narcissists has been informative and empowering.
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We thank you for tuning in.
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Remember, understanding and support are key to navigating life with narcissists.
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You are not alone.
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We are here to help you, and if you want more information, please go to our website, womensmentalhealthpodcast.
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com.
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Randy has done some amazing articles on there that go deeper into these subjects for you.
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Take care.
