New Years Resolutions, New Goals and Mental Wellness

Randi: 0:14

Welcome back to the Women's Mental Health Podcast with Randi and Jess. We're two licensed psychotherapists, and we talk about mental health, well-being, strategies for coping with life's challenges, and how it's all normal.

Jess: 0:25

You are not alone. In today's episode, we're going to tackle a topic that is quite challenging: New Year's resolutions and how your mental health is affected by them. We're

Randi: 0:35

We are going to explore where resolutions come from and why most people are not able to follow through with them. And then

Jess: 0:41

Stick with us to the end, because we're going to give you some simple strategies for setting realistic goals.

Randi: 0:46

So, have you ever had these thoughts? This next year, I am going to. Blank. A, B, and C. Why do I

Jess: 0:53

always fail at my New Year's resolutions

Randi: 0:55

this year? Screw it. I'm not going to set any New Year's resolutions.

Jess: 0:59

Why is the gym always so packed? At the beginning of the year,

Randi: 1:02

I am so horrible for not sticking to my New Year's resolutions or my goals. Do you set resolutions? Re No. No? No. Not really. Sometimes I'll set goals. I'll make it sound like an intentional word for the year, but I'm not very good at following through with that stuff. So I don't do it because it stresses me out.

Jess: 1:22

Okay. So those are a few of the reasons. Yeah, exactly. What about you? No. The closest I've done was a. Picture a day for a year. Yeah, and I was able to do it. It was really hard, but I did

Randi: 1:35

it. I used to do all the weight loss things and stuff when I was younger, but because I battled my weight for so long, it was so unhealthy for me to do because I was always just so focused on my weight.

Jess: 1:47

That's exactly why it's bad for us. Mm-hmm. So when we are looking up, like, where do these come from? These have been around for over 4,000 years. That's crazy. I thought that was; I was like, no, I thought this was maybe a hundred. They thought it was a new year. It could become a new tradition to resolve one's past mistakes. Mm-hmm. Okay. And to do better in

Randi: 2:08

the future. All right. So, like the saying goes, like a clean slate almost, right? Yes, exactly. But. Less than 10% of people keep their resolutions and follow through with them. That's why you're not alone. If you feel like you're failing, you're not.

Jess: 2:24

No. Or if you're like, I can't even set it because I won't do it. You're

Randi: 2:27

not alone. Yeah. So why is this bad for your mental health?

Jess: 2:31

Most. New Year's resolutions don't come from a positive mental

Randi: 2:34

place. Because, like I was saying, I was so focused on my weight, and that was really like a negative cycle for me. And not very good about things like self-love, self-care, or things like that. Or,

Jess: 2:45

oh, I did nothing but eat candies and sweets this last two months, so now I'm going to go super strict and do nothing that eats celery

2:51

and

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chicken. So you're focusing on what you feel is wrong in your life. They're also a

Jess: 2:56

setup for failure if they're. Healthy.

Randi: 2:59

If it's not a realistic goal and it's not achievable, they're not smart. Or, like we were talking about in a previous episode about smart goals, it's not clear and concise what your goal is. It's maybe just very vague. So how are you going to actually find resolution for that, right? I'm

Jess: 3:17

going to be a better person. what? What does that even mean?

Randi: 3:20

Yeah, what does that mean? What does that look like? How do you get to that? What are you going to do? Do you have all those steps in place? If not, then it's probably not going to be achieved.

Jess: 3:29

Exactly. Okay. So if we're going to make healthy resolutions that are good for your mental health and good for you in general, those are going to look like long-term lifestyle changes. We're talking through the entire year, six months—whatever that is, it's going to. Exactly how do we do that?

Randi: 3:49

So we need to be reasonable. Expect that you can fail at this. And failure is not the end of the game. Okay. No. It's actually a way of learning, right? That's my biggest thing: I don't fail like I learn. And so, looking at it, I think in a healthy way that this is a learning process, and it's not going to go right all the time. Mm. and maybe give yourself some realistic expectations. This might be slow moving, but at least I'm moving forward, understanding that life happens and things can shift. Yep. Work can come into play, family can come into play, and money can come into play. Things might. I like your goal. And so it's like, How will you work around that so that you can achieve this? and like, it's not causing extra mental strain, physical strain, or financial strain on you.

Jess: 4:39

Create a timeline. Mm-hmm. Find a realistic timeline that is going to work. In the previous episodes we've talked about, you can't lose a hundred pounds in a month. But what is realistic for you and your

Randi: 4:52

lifestyle, right? And not comparing yourself to someone else's timeline. Yes. So not saying so-and-so lost weight in three months, so I should be able to; you're not built the same; you're not genetically the same. Your life is not exactly the same. They're not a carbon copy of you, or vice versa. So you need to be flexible in your thoughts about achieving this goal and what it's really going to look like for you.

Jess: 5:15

My husband and I had read about Wheat Belly a couple of years ago, right? Mm-hmm. And so we quit wheat. Yeah. gluten-free, no wheat. He lost 40 pounds; he didn't do anything for me. Oh, yeah. And we found out he was Celiac, right? Yeah. And so it helped him. Yeah. But it didn't do anything for me. And so that is not realistic

Randi: 5:33

goal for me. And I feel like a lot of times too, when we do those things, we do them with like our partner or whatever, and it's like they're a totally, almost different species, and they're built differently. process food differently, and all these things. So it's like, How are you going to go on this journey with somebody, and then you're all the time my husband just looks at something and he loses 20 pounds, but it's going to take me 20 years to lose the same amount of weight? Yeah, you cannot compare the two. The other

Jess: 5:59

One is going to be monitoring your progress. Mm-hmm. And so

Randi: 6:03

How do we do that? Maybe having an accountability partner or, like you said, creating like that timeline and then holding yourself to it, like checking in, maybe keeping a journal, to know like what your progress is or how you're feeling about it, like things like that so that you can monitor like black and white. Is this going forward in the way that I want? Or how am I feeling about this? Do I want to keep going with it or not? And a lot

Jess: 6:27

of people use the scale to monitor their progress. Hmm. And that's not necessarily true. No, it shouldn't. The dietician I work with says the scale should not bring you happiness. Or sadness.

Randi: 6:39

Yeah. You need to learn to keep it neutral. And I had to work on that constantly. Mm-hmm, because since I've lost 160 pounds, which I did not want, I have. I have been a slave to the scale most of my life. Yep. And it caused me extreme highs and extreme lows. And I did not want that to affect my mental health, my emotional health, or my weight loss, because sometimes when you hyper-fix  things, it's just horrible for you. And I had done that for so long, so I had to be very strict with myself that I would only. Self a certain amount of times. Mm-hmm. for my own notes on progress. Other than that, I went off of things like how my clothes felt, how I felt, how my body was moving, how my labs were, my nutrition, and things like that, so that I wasn't disrupting my goals by being so focused on a number. Scale and also being realistic, like your body weight fluctuates. Yes. A lot, like during, especially as women during different cycles, like during your period when you're ovulating different things. If you're older and you're going into menopause, there's just so many things that affect it. And it's like the same thing too. You can step on the scale, and you'll be like five to 10 pounds heavier. It's just because, like, you're on your period or there's water. We can become very obsessed with numbers, down to a point. And that's not the case, and I heard

Jess: 8:05

somebody the other day go, oh, I gained two pounds this morning, and so I just need to not eat today. And I was like, but, but that's water. We, yeah. What? And, how healthy is that?

Randi: 8:14

Go to Water's. And that's very easy. And how we, especially women and men nowadays, can slip into eating disorders. Mm-hmm. like that, because we become so fixated in society on things like weight and what that means, beauty, and things like that. And so finding ways to be flexible about your goals so they don't send you into a panic, a cycle, depression, or what you really need to do to be happy and healthy.

Jess: 8:43

And give yourself grace. Mm-hmm. We're going to make a goal for the beginning of the year, and it's going to take a year. You have a year to work on that goal. Yeah. And so it is: doing all of those things, allowing yourself flexibility, finding goals that benefit your mental health activities and doing things that make you

Randi: 9:02

happy. Yeah. Focusing on your. Overall wellbeing, the self-care, the mental health part, and things like that. And we talk about goals and chunking more in episode 21 about ADHD and task avoidance. So you guys definitely take a listen into that because, and we have all the lists too, up on our website, Randy and Jess. podcast.com so you guys can get a deeper understanding about what those healthy type of goals look like And how you can implement them.

Jess: 9:32

them and using smart goals and chunking them out. Mm-hmm. is how you should set your New Year's

Randi: 9:37

resolutions, right? Yes. So that you're doing it in a healthy way, in a productive

Jess: 9:41

way. When we talk about healthy New Year's resolutions, we mean things that are good for us and good for our mental health. There are some steps and guidance that we can follow because they've also shown that when you talk about putting it in black and white when you write it down,. Mm-hmm, when you make a goal that is realistic and achievable, it is more than likely that you can move forward with it. Yes. Not just something you decide at midnight and throw out there. The first one would be focusing on what you can. What can you control? What is in it? I am going to win the lottery and be a billionaire by

Randi: 10:16

next year. That's not controllable; that's a chance. And luck. Yeah, so it's what you can control in that situation? So what would a controllable goal like that look like? Okay, my goal is that I am going to cut out dairy for a. Okay. Maybe. Okay. That's something you have a timeframe for. It's something you're specifically going to do. And then what do you need to do to do that? If you're, if it's something like your health or something like that, I want to get into therapy this year. Okay, I'm going to call a therapist. I'm going to call my insurance. I'm going to make a list of these. These are the topics or things that I'm concerned about. So slowly chunk out those goals you can control. And find steps towards that.

Jess: 11:07

One of the things I want to make sure I do is spend one night a week doing family night. Play a game. Yeah. Or sit down. It doesn't have to be every Friday; it doesn't have to be every Tuesday. But it takes me just one night a week to really sit down with the family, and I can't control their schedules. But I can say what night

Randi: 11:24

works for us. Or you can control it by trying to at least implement it. Yes. And being like, okay, this is my goal. I'm trying to implement it. Or, like, my part is going to be like, I'm going to turn my phone. Yes, for those two hours, I'm going to be present—more present, present. Or I'm going to ask my spouse, partner, friend, or whoever you're spending that time with something about themselves. So you're forcing yourself to be a little bit more present if you know that's something that you can work on, control, and focus on. And just owning your part too of that puzzle. Yes. Because you said, maybe your goal is something like, I'm going to be more social, and so am I. See my friends X number of times or whatever. Like Jess was saying, you can't control their schedule. So it's like maybe you're just putting yourself out there and saying, Hey, you wanna grab coffee like once or twice a month? And if it's reciprocated, okay, yes. Great. And if it's not knowing, okay, I put myself out there. That was mine. Piece of the puzzle Yeah. That was something I could control and I'll do it again

Jess: 12:24

next month. And see if it lines up. The other is choosing your environment wisely. Mm-hmm. And this goes with choosing people who choose you. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's my thing. Choose people who choose you. I tell my kids that all the time. Mm-hmm, don't chase after people who aren't choosing you.

Randi: 12:42

And we do this a lot. We've either learned it with absentees, like parents, friends, or partners, to chase people and chase them. And you need to fill your cup with people who want to spend time with you, want to pour into you, and want the best for you. This goes into our episodes on things like boundaries, gaslighting, and all these things that come into play. Yeah. Where you need to understand what a healthy. Friendship. An environment or relationship. Yeah. What your environment and family look like, and how you can work towards that. Yeah,

Jess: 13:20

absolutely. And then the other would be getting help when you needed it. Mm-hmm. We've talked in past episodes about how, if you don't have time for laundry,  you can ask somebody to help you. If you need someone to spend time with you while you sit on your couch and fold laundry,. great.

Randi: 13:38

Putting yourself out there is very hard. It's very vulnerable. Even just sometimes calling your insurance and saying, I need a therapist, or I need a doctor for this. Mm-hmm. trying to put yourself in touch with the resources you need. Whether that's asking a friend to sit down for coffee, to hear you asking a spouse, who just likes to brain dump on them, or data dump everything,.

Jess: 14:01

I am doing it with them, not against them.

Randi: 14:03

with them. Just reach out when you know you're drifting so that you can get ahead of the things that might cause you to cycle. Yeah. And

Jess: 14:14

Most people do not ask for help.

Randi: 14:17

No, it's very hard to do. It is. It's hard. I'm not great at offering other people's help and being there for them. I'm not great at allowing people to be there for me. And we've talked about this before too, which is that it can harm friendships. Mm-hmm. and. Too, if you don't allow people to also be there for you and be a part of your life. And I realized that I had a friend say this wasn't fair. You're not allowing me to be there for you. And it was like a slap in the face, kind of like a wake-up call. Yep. Oh, like, I'm like the best, best, best friend to her. But I wasn't allowing her to be the best friend to me. And that was hurting her feelings, but I thought I was being a burden. But you're not people; you are not a burden. People that wanna be there. Like you said, choosing your environment wisely, choosing the people around you wisely. People that wanna be there for you, want to be there. Mm-hmm. it's not a burden for them to be there, so it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to ask for them to be there

Jess: 15:15

for you. as Randy's been saying, is that if you're having a hard time with depression or anxiety or whatever, get treatment mm-hmm. right? Reach out and find a therapist. Yeah. Find someone to talk to, to help you set these goals or to help hear through some of these goals. Or Struggles you're having.

Randi: 15:32

Yeah. Find a doctor, find a friend. Find anybody. that these are all steps into kind of fighting those things and getting mental health help that you need, that you shouldn't be ashamed of. And you shouldn't be afraid of. And this all comes into play when working on those goals. They're all steps. Mm-hmm. that you need to take. And if you don't want a New Year's resolution to drag you down, definitely look into these different types of goals, communications, patterns, and things you need in your toolbox to become. A better version of yourself, which is what we all want to be working towards in the new year and, but not letting it be a burden

Jess: 16:10

that might look like joining a hiking group. Mm-hmm. maybe you don't wanna talk to anybody. You wanna be able to get out and you don't wanna go by yourself. Join a hiking group. Find a group or of moms or a group, a neighborhood group of people who are similar to you. Mm-hmm. and who are looking out there. I'm always amazed at how many people. Are looking for friends. Especially as adults. I mean like once we, it's

Randi: 16:36

hard. It's dating, but yeah. It's so weird in dating. I think because like we tend to think friendships need to be like this lifelong thing and the reality is that most friendships only last maybe five to seven years. Mm-hmm. like on a cycle. Friends are for a season, so we constantly need to be finding. New friendships that because we're always evolving and changing, we're not the same person we were yesterday as we were today. Mm-hmm. So it doesn't make sense to always keep like the same friends like our kids grow, like our spouses change, things like that. Our hobbies change, our work schedules changes and that's fine. You need to learn to be. Okay with that. And then finding people that like fit with you where you're at. Mm-hmm. and that's okay. But like also it is very vulnerable to put yourself out there. We've been very hurt by friendships in the past and stuff, but it's like we are social creatures and we do need support systems. Mm-hmm. Okay, so

Jess: 17:29

Randy, I asked you in the beginning, I'm gonna ask you at the end, are you gonna set a New Year's resolution this

Randi: 17:34

year? No.

Jess: 17:37

And that is okay if you don't set

Randi: 17:39

a New Year's resolution. Yeah, it's just not my thing. So it's it's one more thing for me to keep track of and that's okay. But if you like to be held accountable with that, and it's something that has previously caused you stress, but it's like you still do it because it's. Thing. Here you go. Here's some helpful tips to not stress out about it.

Jess: 17:56

Exactly. Have a wonderful start. Of our New Year's.

Randi: 18:01

Yeah, and we're excited to continue this new year and adventures with you guys. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review our Women's Mental Health Podcast. Join us next time for more empowering discussions on topics that matter most to you.

Jess: 18:15

And remember, you are not alone, we're in this together, and we're here to support you every step of the way,

Randi: 18:22

Until

Jess: 18:22

then, take care of yourselves,