New Years Resolutions: Conquer 2023 with Mental Health Resolutions

Ep 22 New Year Resolution

[00:00:00] Randi: 1, 2, 3, 4. Hi friends. It's Randy and Jess, and we're gonna cut the 

[00:00:07] Jess: bullshit and let's get into women's mental health.

[00:00:13] Randi: Welcome to the podcast unapologetically All over the place with Randy and Jess. Where we talk about women's mental health issues and get real and talk about how it's all normal. In this 

[00:00:23] Jess: episode, we're gonna talk about New Year's resolutions and how your mental health is affected by them. We're 

[00:00:29] Randi: gonna explore where resolutions come from and why most people are not able to follow through with them.

And then 

[00:00:35] Jess: stick with us to the end, cuz we're gonna give you some simple strategies for setting realistic goals. 

[00:00:40] Randi: So have you ever had these thoughts? This next year I am going to. Blank. A, B, and C. Why do I 

[00:00:47] Jess: always fail at my New Year's resolutions 

[00:00:49] Randi: this year? Screw it. I'm not gonna set any New Year's resolutions.

[00:00:53] Jess: Why is the gym always so packed? The beginning of the year, 

[00:00:56] Randi: I am so horrible for not sticking to my New Year's resolutions or my goals. Do you set resolutions? Re No. No? No. Not really. Like sometimes I'll set like goals. I'll make like an intentional like word for the year, but I'm not very good at following through with that stuff.

So I don't do it because it stresses me out. 

[00:01:16] Jess: Okay. Well then that's, that, that is some of the reasons there. Yeah, exactly. What about you? Um, no. The closest I've done was a. Picture a day for a year. Yeah, and I was able to do it. It was really hard, but I did 

[00:01:28] Randi: it. I used to do all the weight loss things and stuff when I was younger, but because I battled my weight so long, it was so unhealthy for me to do because like I was always just so focused on my weight.

[00:01:41] Jess: That's exactly why it's bad for us. Mm-hmm. . So when we are looking up like, where do these come from? These have been around for over 4,000 years. That's crazy. I thought that was, I was like, no, I thought this was, you know, maybe a hundred. They thought it was a new year. It could become a new tradition to resolve one's past mistakes.

Mm-hmm. . Okay. And to do better in 

[00:02:02] Randi: the future. All right. So kind of like the saying, like a clean slate almost, right? Yes, exactly. But. Less than 10% of people keep their resolutions and follow through with them. That's so you're not alone. If you feel like you're failing, you're not. 

[00:02:18] Jess: No. Or if you're like, I can't even set it cuz I won't do it.

You're 

[00:02:20] Randi: not alone. Yeah. So why is this bad for your mental health? Um, 

[00:02:24] Jess: you know, most. New Year's resolutions don't come from a place of positive, like a, a positive mental 

[00:02:29] Randi: place. Right? Right. Because like I was saying, I was so focused on my weight and that was really like a negative cycle for me. And not very like, good about like self-love or like self-care, things like that.

Right? Or, 

[00:02:40] Jess: oh, I did nothing but eat candies and sweets this last two months, so now I'm gonna go super strict and do nothing that eats celery 

and 

[00:02:47] Randi: chicken. Right? So you're focusing on like what's you feel is wrong in your life. They're also a 

[00:02:52] Jess: setup for failure if they're. Healthy. 

[00:02:55] Randi: Right. If it's not a realistic goal and it's not achievable, right, they're not smart.

Or like we were talking about, like it's, uh, in a previous episode about smart goals is that it's not clear and concise what your goal is. It's maybe like, just like very vague. So how are you gonna actually like find resolution for that, right? I'm 

[00:03:13] Jess: gonna be a better person this. , what? What does that even mean?

[00:03:16] Randi: Yeah, what does that mean? What does that look like? How do you get to that? Like, what are you gonna do? Like, do you have all those steps in place? If not, then it's probably not gonna be achieved. Right, 

[00:03:25] Jess: exactly. Okay. So if we're gonna make healthy resolutions that are good for your mental health and good for just you in general, um, those are gonna look like long-term lifestyle changes.

I mean, we're talking through the entire year, six months, whatever that is, it's gonna. Exactly how do we do that? 

[00:03:45] Randi: So we need to be reasonable. Expect that you can fail at this. And failure is not an end game. Okay. No. It's actually a way of learning, right? That's my biggest thing is that I don't fail like I learn.

And so looking at it, I think in a healthy way that it, this is a learning process and it's not gonna go right all the time. Mm. and that maybe give yourself like some realistic expectations. Like this might be slow moving, but at least I'm moving forward, understanding that life happens, things can shift.

Yep. You know, work can come into play, family can come into play, money can come into play. Things might. Impede like your goal. And so it's like how will you work around that so that you can achieve this and like it's not causing extra, you know, mental strain or physical strain or financial strain on you.

[00:04:35] Jess: Create a, a timeline. Mm-hmm. , find a realistic timeline that is going to work. I mean, in the previous episodes we've talked about, you know, you can't lose a hundred pounds in a month. Right. But what is realistic for you and your 

[00:04:48] Randi: lifestyle, right? And not comparing yourself to someone else's timeline. Yes. So like not saying, well, so-and-so lost weight in three months, so I should be able to, you're not built the same, you're not genetically the same.

Your life is not exactly the same. They're not a carbon copy of you or vice versa. So you need to be flexible in your thoughts about achieving this goal and what's it's really gonna look like for you. 

[00:05:10] Jess: My husband, we had read that Wheat Belly a couple of years ago, right? Mm-hmm. . And so we quit wheat. Yeah.

With gluten free, no wheat. He lost 40 pounds, didn't do nothing for me. Oh, yeah. Well, and we found out he was Celiac, right? Yeah. And so it helped him. Yeah. But it didn't do nothing for me. Right. And so that is not a realistic 

[00:05:29] Randi: goal for me. Well, and I feel like a lot of times too, when we do those things, we do them with like our partner or whatever, and it's like they're a totally, almost different species, you know?

Right. And they're built differently and. process food differently and all these things. So it's like, how are you gonna go on this journey with somebody and then you're all the time, like, my husband just looks at something and he loses, you know, 20 pounds, but it's like, you know, it's gonna take me 20 years to lose the same amount of weight.

Well, yeah, you cannot compare the two. The other 

[00:05:55] Jess: one is going to be monitoring your progress. Mm-hmm. . Right? And so 

[00:05:59] Randi: how do we do that? Maybe having an accountability partner or like you said, kind of creating like that timeline and then holding yourself to it, like checking in, maybe keeping a journal, like to know like what your progress is or how you're feeling about it, like things like that so that you can monitor kind of like black and white.

Like, is this going forward in the way that I want? Or how am I feeling with this? Do I want to keep going with it or not? And a lot 

[00:06:23] Jess: of people use the scale to monitor their progress. Hmm. And that's not necessarily hel. Right. No, it shouldn't. You know, the dietician I work with says the scale should not bring you happiness.

Right. Or sadness. 

[00:06:35] Randi: Yeah. You need to become, learn to keep it neutral. And I had to work on that constantly. Mm-hmm. because since I've lost 160 pounds, I did not want, I had. Been a slave to the scale most of my life. Yep. And it caused me extreme highs and extreme lows. And I did not want that to affect my mental health, my emotional health, or my weight loss, because sometimes when you hyper fix it on things, it's just horrible for you.

And I had done that for so long, so I, you know, had to be very strict with myself that I would only. Self a certain amount of times. Mm-hmm. , you know, for my own, you know, notes on progress. Other than that, I went off of like how my clothes felt, like, how I felt, how my body was moving, you know, how my labs were, like my nutrition and things like that, so that I wasn't like disrupting my goals with being so focused on like a number.

Scale and also being realistic that like your body weight fluctuates. Yes. Like a lot, like during, especially as women during different cycles, like during your period when you're ovulating, you know, different things. If you're older and you're going into like menopause, like there's just like so many things that affect it.

And it's like same thing too. Like you can step on the scale and you'll be like five to 10 pounds heavier. Well, it's just because like you're on your period, you know? Or there's water. We can become very obsessed with like numbers down to like a point. And that's not the, and I heard 

[00:08:01] Jess: somebody the other day go, oh, I gained two pounds this morning, and so I just, I need to not eat today.

And I was like, but, but that's water. We, yeah. Like what? And, and how healthy is that? I mean, 

[00:08:10] Randi: go to water's. And that's very easy. And how we, you know, especially as women and men too nowadays can slip into eating disorders. Mm-hmm. like that, because we become so fixated, like. Society on like weight and what that means, and, you know, beauty and things like that.

And so finding ways to be flexible about your goals so they don't send you into like a panic or a cycle or depression or, um, what you really need to do to be happy and healthy. 

[00:08:39] Jess: Right. And give yourself grace. Mm-hmm. , I mean, We're gonna make a goal for the beginning of the year, and it's gonna take a year.

You have a year to work on that goal. Yeah. You know, and so it is, it is doing all of those things, allowing yourself flexibility, finding goals that benefit your mental health activities and things that make you 

[00:08:58] Randi: happy. Right? Yeah. Focusing on your. Overall wellbeing, the self-care, the mental health part, and things like that.

And we talk about, um, goals and chunking more in, um, episode 21, um, about a d h, ADHD and task avoidance. So you guys definitely take a listen into that because, and we have all the lists too, up on our website, Randy and Jess. podcast.com so you guys can get a deeper understanding about what those healthy type of goals look like, right.

And how you can implement 

[00:09:28] Jess: them and using smart goals and chunking them out. Mm-hmm. is, is how you should set your New Year's 

[00:09:33] Randi: resolutions, right? Yes. So that you're doing it in a healthy way, in a productive 

[00:09:37] Jess: way. When we talk about healthy New Year's resolutions, things that are good for us, good for our mental health.

I mean, there are some steps and guidances that we can do because they've also shown that when you, you know, we talk about putting it in black and white when you write it down. Mm-hmm. , when you make a goal that is realistic and achievable, that more than likely you can set forward with it. Yes. Not just something you decide at midnight and throw it out there.

The first one would be focusing on what you can. What can you control? What is in, you know, I am gonna win the lottery and be in billionaire by 

[00:10:12] Randi: next year. Right. That's not controllable, that's chance. Right, right. And luck. So, yeah, so it's like what can you control in that situation? So what would a, um, controllable goal like that look like?

Well, okay, my goal is that I am going to cut out dairy for a. Okay. Maybe. Okay. Like that's something you have a timeframe for it. It's something specifically you're gonna do. Like, and then what do you need to do to do that? You know, like if you're, if it's something like around your health, you know, or something like that, or like, I want to get into therapy this year.

Okay, well I'm gonna call a therapist. I'm gonna call my insurance. I'm gonna make a list of this. Like these are the topics or things that I'm concerned about. So slowly chunking out those goals you can control. And find steps towards that. 

[00:11:03] Jess: One of the things I wanna make sure I do mm-hmm. spend one night a week to do family night.

Play a game. Yeah. Or sit down. It doesn't have to be every Friday, it doesn't have to be every Tuesday. Right. But just one night a week to really sit down with the family and I can't control their schedules. Right. But I can say what night 

[00:11:20] Randi: works for us. Right. Or you can control trying to at least implement it.

Yes. And being like, okay, this is my goal. I'm trying to implement it. Or like my part is gonna be like, I'm gonna turn my phone. Yes, for those two hours I'm gonna be present, more present, present. Or I'm gonna ask my spouse, partner, friend, whoever you're doing that time with, something about themselves maybe.

You know? So you're forcing yourself to be a little bit more present if you know that's something that you can work on and control and focus on. And just owning your part too of that puzzle. Yes. Because you said like maybe your goal is something like, I'm gonna be, um, more social, and so I. See my friends X amount of times or whatever.

Well, like Jess was saying, you can't control their schedule. So it's like maybe you're just putting yourself out there and saying like, Hey, you wanna grab coffee like once or twice a month? And if it's reciprocated, okay, yes. Great. And if it's not knowing, okay, I put myself out there. That was my. Piece of the puzzle Yeah.

That I was, you know, that I could control and I'll do it again 

[00:12:21] Jess: next month. Right. And see if it, it lines up. Right. Um, the other is choosing your environment wisely. Mm-hmm. And this goes with choosing people who choose you. Yeah. Oh my God. That's my thing. Choose people who choose you. I tell my kid that all the time.

Mm-hmm. don't chase after people who aren't choosing you. Right. 

[00:12:38] Randi: And we, um, Do this a lot. We've either learned it with like absentee, like parents or friends or partners to chase people and chase them and chase them. And you need to fill your cup with people that wanna spend time with you, wanna pour into you want the best for you.

This goes into again, um, our episodes on like boundaries and like gaslighting and all these things that come into play. Yeah. Where you need to understand what a healthy. Friendship. An environment, relationship. Yeah. Environment, family looks like, and how you can work towards that. Yeah, 

[00:13:16] Jess: absolutely. And then the other would be getting help when you need it.

Mm-hmm. , you know, we've talked about, um, in past episodes about how if you don't have time for Laund, see if you can ask somebody to help you. Right. If you need someone to spend time with you while you sit on your couch and fold laundry. great. 

[00:13:33] Randi: Right. You know, putting yourself out there, it's very hard. It's very vulnerable.

Even just sometimes calling your insurance and saying, I need a therapist, or I need a doctor for this. Mm-hmm. trying to put yourself in touch with the resources you need. Whether that's asking a friend, you know, to sit down for coffee, to hear you asking a spouse like just does like to brain dump, you know, on them or data dump everything.

[00:13:57] Jess: Them with them, I'm doing it with them, not on them, 

[00:13:59] Randi: with them. . Just reaching out when you know you're kind of drifting so that you can like get ahead of the things that might cause you to kind of like cycle. Yeah. And 

[00:14:10] Jess: most people do not ask for help. 

[00:14:13] Randi: No, it's very hard to do. It is. It's hard. I'm not, uh, I'm not great at offering other people help and being there for them.

I'm not great at allowing people to be there for me. And, um, we've talked about this before too, is that, that can harm friendships. Mm-hmm. and. Too, if you don't allow people to also be there for you and be a part of your life. And I realized that I had a friend say like, this isn't fair. You're not allowing me to be there for you.

And it was like a slap in the face, like kind of like a wake up call. Yep. Like, oh, like I'm like the best, best, best friend to her. But I wasn't allowing her to be the best, best friend to me. And that was hurting her feelings, you know? But I thought I was being a burden. But you're not, you know, people, you are not a burden.

People that wanna be there. Like you said, choosing your environment wisely, choosing the people around you wisely. People that wanna be there for you, want to be there. Mm-hmm. , it's not a burden for them to be there, so it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to ask for them to be there 

[00:15:11] Jess: for you. , as Randy's been saying, is that if you're having a hard time with depression or anxiety or whatever, get treatment mm-hmm.

right? Reach out and find a therapist. Yeah. Uh, find someone to talk to, to help you set these goals or to help hear through some of these goals. Right. Or struggles you're having. 

[00:15:28] Randi: Yeah. Find a doctor, find a friend. Find anybody. that these are all steps into kind of fighting those things and getting mental health help that you need, that you shouldn't be ashamed of.

And you shouldn't be afraid of. And this all comes into play when working on those goals. They're all steps. Mm-hmm. that you need to take. And if you don't want a New Year's resolution to drag you down, definitely look into these different types of goals, communications, patterns, and things you need in your toolbox to become.

Um, a better version of yourself, which is what we all want to be working towards, you know, in the new year and, but not letting it be a burden 

[00:16:06] Jess: that might look like joining a hiking group. Mm-hmm. , maybe you don't wanna talk to anybody. You wanna be able to get out and you don't wanna go by yourself. Join a hiking group.

Right. Find a group or of moms or a group, a neighborhood group of people who are similar to you. Mm-hmm. and who are looking out there. I'm always amazed at how many people. Are looking for friends. Right. Especially as adults. I mean like once we, it's 

[00:16:32] Randi: hard. It's like dating, but yeah. It's so weird in dating.

Well, I think because like we tend to think friendships need to be like this lifelong thing and the reality is that most friendships only last maybe like five to seven years. Mm-hmm. like on a cycle. Friends are for a season, so we constantly need to be finding. New friendships that because we're always evolving and changing, we're not the same person we were yesterday as we were today.

Mm-hmm. . So it doesn't make sense to always keep like the same friends, you know, like our kids grow, like our spouses change, things like that. Our hobbies change, our work schedules changes and that's fine. You need to learn to be. Okay with that. And then finding people that like fit with you where you're at.

Mm-hmm. and that's okay. But like also it is very vulnerable to put yourself out there. Um, we've been very hurt by friendships in the past and stuff, but it's like we are social creatures and we do need support systems. Mm-hmm. . Okay, so 

[00:17:25] Jess: Randy, I asked you in the beginning, I'm gonna ask you at the end, are you gonna set a New Year's resolution this 

[00:17:30] Randi: year?

No. . 

[00:17:33] Jess: And that is okay if you don't set 

[00:17:35] Randi: a New Year's resolution. Yeah, it's just not my thing. So it's like, you know, it's like one more thing for me to keep track of and that's okay. But if you like to be held accountable with that, and it's something that has previously caused you stress, but it's like you still do it because it's.

Thing. Well, here you go. Here's some helpful tips to like not stress out about it. 

[00:17:53] Jess: Exactly. All right. Well have a wonderful New Year's start. Of our New Year's. 

[00:17:58] Randi: Yeah, and we're excited to continue this new year and adventures with you guys. And be sure to check us out on Randy and jess podcast.com. All right.

See you later. 2, 3, 4. Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with us. 

[00:18:12] Jess: Don't forget to check out our free resources and favorites on our website, unapologetically randy and jess.com 

[00:18:19] Randi: like and share this episode and tune in next week.