Feb. 12, 2025

Soiling the Nest: Why Your Teen is Pushing You Away

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Season 4

Is your college-bound teen suddenly moody, defiant, or picking fights? Welcome to soiling the nest—a real and natural part of their transition to independence. In this episode of the Women’s Mental Health Podcast, licensed psychotherapists Randi Owsley, LMSW, and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT, break down why this happens, how it impacts your mental health, and what you can do to cope. Whether you're feeling hurt, confused, or just plain exhausted, this conversation will help you navigate the messy emotions of this stage with self-care and confidence.

While this shift can feel personal, understanding the psychology behind soiling the nest can help you navigate the emotional rollercoaster with empathy and patience. Beyond the household, this behavior also has social and economic impacts, influencing family dynamics, financial planning, and emotional well-being. Learn practical tools to manage your own emotions, strengthen your parent-child relationship, and find resources to help guide you through this transformative stage with confidence.

Whether you're a parent navigating this emotional phase at home or a business leader looking for solutions to prevent disruption in your company, we’ll provide expert insights, actionable strategies, and preventative measures to help you adapt and thrive. Stay tuned for practical tips, professional advice, and real-life examples that bring clarity to this complex topic!

Questions we answer!

Why do some teens engage in challenging behavior before leaving home?

How can I differentiate between normal teenage behavior and more serious issues?

What are some strategies for addressing challenging behavior in teens?

Should I be worried if my teen experiments with substances?

How can I support my teen's mental well-being during this challenging time?

Is it normal for my teen to distance themselves from family and spend more time with friends?

What role does autonomy play in a teen's development?

How can I prepare my teen for the challenges of leaving home?

What should I do if my teen's behavior becomes concerning or poses a danger?

How can I maintain a strong, supportive relationship with my teen during this phase?

#SoilingTheNest #TeenIndependence #ParentingTeens #EmptyNestSyndrome #TeenBehaviorExplained #ParentingChallenges #MentalHealthForMoms #CopingWithChange #FamilyDynamics #RaisingTeensRight #collegebound #collegeboundkids #CollegeBound2025 #NervousSystemSupport #ProtectYourPea

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Women's Mental Health Podcast, created by licensed psychotherapists Randi Owsley MSW and Jessica Bullwinkle LMFT, offers resources for those navigating mental health. This podcast or social media are not psychotherapy, a replacement for a therapeutic relationship, or substitute for mental health care. All thoughts expressed are for educational and entertainment purposes, no psychotherapeutic relationship exists by virtue of listening, commenting, or engaging. Our platform could contain affiliate links, which if used, might earn us a small commission at no extra cost to you.


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If this episode resonated with you, we warmly welcome you to explore more empowering conversations on the Women's Mental Health Podcast. Each episode is designed to connect, educate, and uplift our strong and resilient listeners, just like you.

Together, we grow, learn, and empower one another. Together, we break stigmas.

#Empowerment, #MentalHealth, #BreakTheStigma

WEBVTT

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Welcome to the Women's Mental Health Podcast, where Randy and Jess, two licensed psychotherapists, and we talk about women's mental health, well being and strategies for coping with all of life's challenges.

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And how all of this is normal.

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This

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episode, we are going to try to explain teenage behavior before leaving home and its impact on women's mental health, and try to provide some insights into strategies for coping with

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this.

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We understand that navigating these challenges of parenting can be so overwhelming.

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Experiencing.

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X.

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Especially when it comes to understanding why our teens are acting out before they're getting ready to leave.

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And we're talking about this time right now, which is second semester of senior year.

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We

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started talking about this because I was talking to Jess about what I was going through and she was like, this is a thing.

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And I was like, it is, I'm not alone in this, like, tell me more about this.

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And then she already knew about it.

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And then I started researching about it and we were like, Oh my gosh, we need to talk about that.

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Yeah.

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So we're going to dive in and explore this whole life phase together and hopefully we can help support you through this.

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Okay.

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So find us and more resources on women's mental health podcast.

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com.

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Have you ever had these

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thoughts?

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Why do some teens engage in such risky or challenging behavior right before leaving home?

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How can I tell if what my teenager is doing is normal or if there's more serious issues?

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What are some strategies that I can use to really address these challenging behaviors in my teen?

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Should I worry if my teen is experiencing with substances?

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How can I support my teenager's mental well being during this super tough

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time?

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Is it normal for my teen to distance themselves from family and spend more time either in their room or with their friends right now?

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And what role does autonomy play in a teen's development?

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And this is very important because I have a hard time with this, like letting go so that they have the choice, but giving boundaries for them too.

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And that's, that's a really important

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question.

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And it is, it's so hard right now at this age, because you're like, I want to give them space, but I don't want to feel like.

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I'm abandoning them.

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And so how do you figure out what you need or don't need with them?

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How can I prepare my teen for the challenges of leaving home and going to college?

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And

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what should you do if your teenager's behavior has really become concerning or they're becoming a danger to themselves or

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others?

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And then how can I maintain a strong, supportive relationship with my teen?

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during this phase, especially because you don't want to enable them and you don't want to abandon them.

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Right.

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All of these things that happen to

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keep that relationship with love.

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But it's like, it's, did

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you do your damn homework?

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Why am I getting another notice saying you didn't turn something

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in?

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Exactly.

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Like, why are you prioritizing like your friends over this or your family?

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And what

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do you mean you're not going to school today?

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Exactly.

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What, what, what are you talking about?

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You have.

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Four months to go.

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Let's do this.

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We're at the finish line.

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Let's not trip at the finish line.

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I actually said that to my daughter this

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week.

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I had a psychology friend because our oldest is already adulthood, right?

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I've already, we did this phase like eight years ago.

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And at the time I had one of my friends say they call it shitting the nest.

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And I was like, what do you mean?

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And I guess that's, there's a better way to say like spoiling the nest.

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She said, no, not what, what he's doing is normal.

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This is called shitting the nest.

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So there's actually a group, I can't remember the birds, but there's these birds.

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And what the babies do is they poop all over the nest to the point where the parents are like, Oh, I'm out.

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You're done.

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You, this is, I can't do this anymore.

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You need to go.

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Huh?

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And that's what the teenagers are doing.

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They're acting out for so many reasons right now because there's this big life change happening.

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Yeah.

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So it's this huge transition and they're just scared and they're fearful.

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So they're acting out.

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Yeah.

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And if it was easy to stay home.

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They would never leave us, right?

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So they're shitting all over us.

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Yes, they're shitting in your nest Right now these behaviors that we're talking about and we're kind of joking.

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Okay, not going to school not turning your homework Sometimes it's the attitude.

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Oh boy.

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Is it the attitude that starts coming out?

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It's it's the you can't tell me what to do and I'm leaving.

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Yeah, I'm almost an adult Pushing the boundaries.

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I'm going to do stuff with my girlfriend or my boyfriend or coming out a little later and let's

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also talk about like hormones, mood swings, their own mental health.

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If they're a female PMS, like all these things coming in to play, their bodies are still developing to their brains are still developing.

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There's all these things that their brains.

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Your child's brains do not stop developing until about 23 to 25.

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Their brains are still trying to grow and develop and figure stuff out.

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But our society says, you're going to be graduating and you're 18.

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You're an adult

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now.

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Yeah.

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We're like, we need to kick you out the door.

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We coddle them now.

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And now we have to like, let them go like that.

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It's not even letting them go.

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It's like pushing them out.

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From a mental health perspective, though, I know a lot of these behaviors, they're influenced by various factors, like you said, the hormones and the peer pressure.

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And I know there's other things that some of these kids have.

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We're not talking about all the kids that have oppositional defiant disorder or conduct disorder or depression.

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We're talking about just right now, the second semester of senior.

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year.

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So really, it's about the stress and uncertainty of transitioning into this adulthood phase that can also impact their mental health.

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And let's be honest, our parents, the caregivers, whether you're a foster parent, an adoptive parent, a teacher or two, I'm sure that they get pushed back.

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It's really affecting Everybody as a whole.

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And this happens.

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I was so toast and I'll just share.

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I was so done.

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Like, I didn't know if we were going to make it through the end of our senior year.

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I feel like that right now.

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I want to run away.

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Yes.

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Like what?

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Why is this happening?

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I can't handle this.

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Like, I thought life was supposed to get easier.

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Like, my sister has younger kids that are like, she has three And she's like, does it get easier?

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And I'm like, no, there's just new challenges that are different.

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It's just, and that's what I tell parents.

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It doesn't get easier.

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Like after the first year, yes, it gets

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easier.

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Well, you have a better understanding,

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right?

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But it just gets different.

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It's all hard.

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And it just.

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gets different.

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And it's so hard when we're watching our kids go through this really challenging behavior.

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And honestly, they're acting like assholes and really, it's so frustrating to see all this because I wish I could have behaved better, but I was, it was so anxiety provoking for me because I was like, what are we doing?

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Why are we doing this?

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Yeah.

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I've been trying to like temper, like my reaction, but another thing too is like the guilt of it.

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And then I feel like, did I do something wrong?

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Could I have done something different 10 years ago that would have changed this now?

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And then just bringing this up, I'm like, okay, this is normal.

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This is a normal transition.

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It's like teething or learning to walk or something, but yeah, basically they're getting their teeth into adulthood when there's growing pains happening.

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And so we need to be understanding and empathetic of that.

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And I think that's helping me.

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Flip the script in my head and like my expectations of what I expect of my teenager as a senior leaving high school and transitioning.

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And part

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of

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this though is really important to make sure you take care of your mental health.

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And I'm saying because afterwards.

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After this, Randy's I have a massage.

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I was like, good job.

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Good job.

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You need to make sure you're taking care of yourself because they're going to do what they do.

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And I got, we survived.

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We're all three of us.

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Four of us are still here.

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We made it through that challenging time.

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And I do, I will say, I don't know if we would have done it better, but man, night of graduation, we're like, yeah.

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You're driving, we're drinking, and we went and had martinis at this big We're celebrating.

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Yes, we had a big fancy dinner, and I was like, you're driving us home.

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Yeah.

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And dad and I were like, okay, we're gonna have a martini here because man, we made it.

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We were like, oh my god, we made it to the end of

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senior year.

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You've got to prioritize, like, self care in some ways, and Okay, so

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that's not exactly self care.

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That was a celebrating, but that

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wasn't self care.

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Well, okay, so celebrating self care, but Not that part, but another way is really, we have to learn how to help our teenager cope and cope ourselves.

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So what does that include?

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Communication?

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Yes.

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Open communication.

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It's not taking it personal.

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That's actually the huge piece

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as parents.

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And I, being ADHD, I'm very like, I have reactive sensitivity dysphoria, which you guys can search that up on our website because we have talked about it and it's actually one of our most popular podcasts.

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So we tend to jump to conclusions.

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I'm thinking of the office movie to jump to conclusion map and we go straight to the emotional side of it instead of taking a step back and being like, what's really happening here?

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I had a heart to heart with my daughter to like sat down.

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What's really happening here?

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And then she was able.

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We were both crying.

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She's able to tell me what she's frustrated with, how she's feeling.

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And I told her how I'm feeling and why I'm reacting the way I do and reacting out of a place of love and wanting to support her and push her, but understanding to maybe what I was doing was too much because then she was having this.

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Anxiety about not only her own thoughts, but then my reactions too.

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And it's so

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hard because as parents, when they're little, they come to us and we fix it.

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We get a bandaid.

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We do hugs.

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We have the right answers when they're little.

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At this age, we still want to fix it.

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Yeah,

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but we need to teach them how to fix it for them.

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Selves

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and we wanna just do it.

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Like it's just, oh, I wanna wrap my kid in bubble wrap every day is what I say.

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Mm-Hmm.

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I just wanna put her in bubble wrap and protect her Always, all my friends, everybody.

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And it's just so hard because they have to learn some of this stuff.

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And let's face it, some of us have kids that have to learn the hard way.

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I'm one of those.

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mm-Hmm, I have to learn the hard way sometimes.

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My kids are the same

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way.

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Yeah.

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And I tell my teenager too, like I was a late bloomer.

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It took me a while to get things going for myself.

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That's because you're not a late bloomer.

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It's because you're ADHD, right?

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Well, I learned that later.

00:11:02.200 --> 00:11:02.340
Yeah.

00:11:02.340 --> 00:11:03.320
We're not late bloomers.

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We're just, our brands are a little different and they develop different.

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And we do things the hard

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fucking way.

00:11:09.090 --> 00:11:09.409
Right.

00:11:09.419 --> 00:11:10.559
And so that's why.

00:11:10.774 --> 00:11:22.485
Again, it's so important to communicate this with our kids, teach them to communicate with us and also have boundaries, like they need to have boundaries with us, but we also need to have boundaries with them and learning to compromise on

00:11:22.485 --> 00:11:22.985
that.

00:11:23.115 --> 00:11:28.004
I wonder, Randy, if you went through and you validated it with her and you said, hey.

00:11:28.455 --> 00:11:33.985
We just did a podcast on this because we're talking about it and this is a really normal phase to go through.

00:11:34.125 --> 00:11:34.774
Oh, yeah.

00:11:34.845 --> 00:11:38.195
Do you think that she would be like, oh, I'm this is normal for me?

00:11:38.845 --> 00:11:53.909
like I wanted to talk to her about this because I was gonna tell her like we did all this research and like this is Normal and just went through it and then you're not alone And so your friends are probably all going through it and I noticed too like I want to say this is probably true for myself Self.

00:11:53.940 --> 00:11:56.830
And I want to say, I noticed it with my daughter and her friends group.

00:11:57.090 --> 00:11:59.929
They kind of like are pulling away from each other a little bit.

00:11:59.950 --> 00:12:04.929
And I think that that is also a protective thing.

00:12:04.980 --> 00:12:15.019
Like you're losing the support system and you don't have a support system already or you don't know what that's going to look like and changing and there's grief over that.

00:12:15.210 --> 00:12:16.090
There's grief over.

00:12:16.419 --> 00:12:19.610
Losing this phase of childhood, going

00:12:19.629 --> 00:12:23.070
to school every day, knowing exactly how it's going to be laid out.

00:12:23.080 --> 00:12:23.470
Right.

00:12:23.529 --> 00:12:25.320
We've been doing this for 12 years.

00:12:25.509 --> 00:12:25.909
Yeah.

00:12:25.929 --> 00:12:27.279
We pretty much know.

00:12:27.860 --> 00:12:29.070
And now it's all unknown.

00:12:29.490 --> 00:12:33.309
And the kids right now, these are kids that four years ago.

00:12:33.690 --> 00:12:36.250
Started school when a lot of schools

00:12:36.250 --> 00:12:37.039
were shut down.

00:12:37.039 --> 00:12:37.850
When COVID happened.

00:12:38.240 --> 00:12:38.279
Right.

00:12:38.279 --> 00:12:38.639
Yeah.

00:12:38.789 --> 00:12:40.110
That was my daughter.

00:12:40.200 --> 00:12:46.710
Her first year of high school was In N Out, In N Out, In N Out, hybrid, really mostly online.

00:12:46.710 --> 00:12:50.240
So, and who knows what's going to happen in the future.

00:12:50.240 --> 00:12:55.820
So they have this also, we don't know if something could happen again and it could throw us off course again.

00:12:56.200 --> 00:12:57.049
Exactly.

00:12:57.080 --> 00:13:02.299
A lot of people just started getting a routine this last year, maybe the year before.

00:13:02.830 --> 00:13:04.769
We're still seeing all these illnesses and stuff.

00:13:04.789 --> 00:13:13.929
I'll get off my soapbox, but people are so sick this last couple of months because we're still adjusting after such a interesting time.

00:13:14.320 --> 00:13:17.558
And I know every state was different and everybody has different beliefs.

00:13:17.558 --> 00:13:21.315
We're not getting into that, but our kids are still not

00:13:21.315 --> 00:13:21.657
normal.

00:13:21.657 --> 00:13:22.340
Mm hmm.

00:13:22.669 --> 00:13:29.470
I think another way too that I've had to think differently about this is having kind of growth mindset about it.

00:13:29.610 --> 00:13:31.399
This is a period of them to grow.

00:13:31.429 --> 00:13:33.799
This is a period of them to find themselves.

00:13:33.799 --> 00:13:40.330
This is a period of self discovery and letting them fail.

00:13:40.914 --> 00:13:44.335
And I like to tell my kids, we've talked about this before, that it's not failing.

00:13:44.465 --> 00:13:46.225
No, it's not failing forward.

00:13:46.865 --> 00:13:50.095
Mistakes are part of life and you learn so much from them.

00:13:50.105 --> 00:13:59.024
So also reminding myself that these mistakes, even though I want to protect her from them, they're essential for her growing into who she is.

00:13:59.034 --> 00:13:59.184
And

00:13:59.184 --> 00:14:01.335
let's be honest, you also want to strangle her for them.

00:14:01.705 --> 00:14:02.024
Come on.

00:14:02.245 --> 00:14:03.975
There are these times where we just like, really?

00:14:04.054 --> 00:14:05.034
And that's really, this

00:14:05.044 --> 00:14:05.565
is what we're doing.

00:14:06.044 --> 00:14:06.544
It's okay.

00:14:06.544 --> 00:14:16.784
Call your friends, your sister, your mom, bitch about it, let it out, vent it, and then go back, talk about it, research it, and then take care of it from yourself.

00:14:16.804 --> 00:14:22.825
Put on your oxygen mask first, find what you need to do to center yourself and then go to your kids and help them work through it.

00:14:22.865 --> 00:14:23.044
Yeah.

00:14:23.134 --> 00:14:26.274
Our oldest was just so angry.

00:14:26.294 --> 00:14:26.715
It was.

00:14:26.914 --> 00:14:31.284
And we were the biggest a holes ever as parents.

00:14:31.544 --> 00:14:32.884
We were holding him to the line.

00:14:32.884 --> 00:14:33.455
This is the rule.

00:14:33.465 --> 00:14:34.804
This is what we were doing.

00:14:35.065 --> 00:14:38.715
Going back, I think I would have been a little softer.

00:14:39.404 --> 00:14:39.794
Yeah.

00:14:39.845 --> 00:14:45.004
A little softer, maybe, but it was just like, we had to just contain this.

00:14:45.394 --> 00:14:47.384
Oh, and that's amazing concept, right?

00:14:47.855 --> 00:14:49.004
Think about containment.

00:14:49.134 --> 00:14:52.065
When we have them as babies, we literally hold them.

00:14:52.085 --> 00:14:54.664
Like I'm holding like an infant, my arm rocking them.

00:14:55.024 --> 00:14:56.754
We're containing them as they get

00:14:57.154 --> 00:14:57.264
older.

00:14:57.264 --> 00:14:59.225
Swaddle them and wrap them

00:14:59.225 --> 00:14:59.884
up.

00:15:00.164 --> 00:15:05.585
And then as they get older, our containment field, our arms get bigger and bigger and bigger.

00:15:05.585 --> 00:15:08.004
So that way we can open up for them.

00:15:08.004 --> 00:15:16.085
And there are times in our lives, nine, 10, whatever that we have to close that circle and contain them more.

00:15:16.674 --> 00:15:25.784
And now We're telling them, peace out, wide open space, see you later, you're 18, what are you going to do?

00:15:26.024 --> 00:15:33.815
But really, it's a time to provide containment with them, but to give them a little bit more, I want to say freedom, that's not it.

00:15:34.195 --> 00:15:36.495
Let them make the choices or the direction.

00:15:36.514 --> 00:15:38.215
Yeah, the autonomy over their

00:15:38.215 --> 00:15:38.845
choices.

00:15:38.855 --> 00:15:41.384
Yeah, and be like, okay, what do you think you want to do?

00:15:41.394 --> 00:15:42.605
What do you think is this?

00:15:43.995 --> 00:15:45.294
Instead of trying to fix it.

00:15:45.495 --> 00:15:46.184
It's hard.

00:15:46.195 --> 00:15:47.154
This is the hardest.

00:15:47.154 --> 00:15:47.294
It's hard.

00:15:47.455 --> 00:15:51.424
Like Bob the Builder, I'm here, just let me tap tap and it's gonna fix it.

00:15:51.434 --> 00:15:53.924
Two, like teachers reach out and their counselors reach out.

00:15:53.934 --> 00:16:00.575
And I have had to tell her teachers and counselors, I am letting her figure this out on her own.

00:16:00.845 --> 00:16:01.585
I have to step

00:16:01.585 --> 00:16:01.985
back.

00:16:02.424 --> 00:16:09.105
We probably, right when they get to be like right before high school as parents, we should probably start having some of our own life.

00:16:10.575 --> 00:16:15.534
So many parents are so still wrapped up in their kids that we don't have our own hobbies.

00:16:15.565 --> 00:16:16.794
And then what happens is we're

00:16:16.934 --> 00:16:18.205
friendships or support

00:16:18.745 --> 00:16:19.075
systems.

00:16:19.274 --> 00:16:23.975
And then what we're worried about is as a parent and moms is that they're going to leave

00:16:23.975 --> 00:16:24.225
us.

00:16:24.434 --> 00:16:24.735
Yeah.

00:16:24.774 --> 00:16:28.394
And empty nest syndrome too on the opposite side.

00:16:28.590 --> 00:16:29.100
It's true.

00:16:29.340 --> 00:16:32.340
And it's also a huge time for people getting divorced.

00:16:32.450 --> 00:16:32.809
Oh yeah.

00:16:32.809 --> 00:16:34.320
You're like, Hey, the kids are out.

00:16:34.330 --> 00:16:36.200
I don't actually like you anymore.

00:16:36.200 --> 00:16:36.623
I don't

00:16:36.623 --> 00:16:37.399
know who you are.

00:16:37.909 --> 00:16:38.220
Yeah.

00:16:38.340 --> 00:16:39.980
I don't know who I am either.

00:16:40.070 --> 00:16:42.759
You have no sense of self.

00:16:42.980 --> 00:16:44.289
That's a whole other podcast.

00:16:44.399 --> 00:16:49.210
So when you have to create distance too, and if you start it earlier on, it's not as

00:16:49.210 --> 00:16:49.820
hard.

00:16:49.919 --> 00:16:51.539
It's not like the slap in the face.

00:16:51.549 --> 00:16:54.500
I'm not saying abandon them and go get a whole hobby and new life.

00:16:54.620 --> 00:16:54.919
Right.

00:16:54.929 --> 00:16:55.480
But I'm saying.

00:16:55.710 --> 00:17:08.440
When you have been, some of these moms who are like, I've been running the sports and driving on travel teams and we've been, you know, club and you're like, wait, who, what, what's my Facebook group now?

00:17:09.420 --> 00:17:13.319
I think it's great if you can find other things to do and still support them.

00:17:13.430 --> 00:17:13.900
Yeah.

00:17:14.339 --> 00:17:16.650
So here's another important point.

00:17:16.829 --> 00:17:22.960
How do we differentiate between this normal average second semester slump and.

00:17:23.440 --> 00:17:25.750
More serious mental health issues.

00:17:26.200 --> 00:17:28.480
Ooh, I like the second semester slump.

00:17:28.779 --> 00:17:30.710
I think it needs, yeah, yeah.

00:17:30.710 --> 00:17:32.210
Second semester slump.

00:17:32.299 --> 00:17:33.329
It's not even pregnancy.

00:17:33.339 --> 00:17:35.920
It's just, oh dear gosh, here we go again.

00:17:36.519 --> 00:17:38.069
So like normal versus.

00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:46.279
When it's concerning, when you should talk to somebody, a therapist or a psychiatrist, or they need more help and support than you can give them.

00:17:46.859 --> 00:17:53.250
Anytime you're concerned, I want everyone out there to follow their gut, really, truly, your mama gut.

00:17:53.250 --> 00:17:56.829
You know, your child better than anybody else out there.

00:17:57.180 --> 00:17:58.809
I want you to follow your gut.

00:17:58.880 --> 00:18:04.279
If you're worried, reach out to their school counselors, ask them, how can I help support

00:18:04.569 --> 00:18:04.650
you?

00:18:04.650 --> 00:18:07.680
Do you have resources I can use things like that?

00:18:07.869 --> 00:18:10.509
Or talk to your kids and say, I'm concerned.

00:18:10.509 --> 00:18:11.839
What is going on?

00:18:12.109 --> 00:18:15.029
And a lot of parents forget that, like, they're still kids.

00:18:15.430 --> 00:18:17.380
And they don't want to look at you like an adult.

00:18:17.460 --> 00:18:18.980
I don't know if y'all remember dating.

00:18:19.380 --> 00:18:24.029
When you went on dates and you're sitting across from a restaurant talking to somebody, it feels like an interview.

00:18:24.190 --> 00:18:24.750
Mm hmm.

00:18:24.799 --> 00:18:25.779
That feels crappy.

00:18:25.829 --> 00:18:34.519
The one that feels better is like when you're next to them walking, strolling along, and you have these like nice fluid kind of organic conversations.

00:18:35.009 --> 00:18:36.480
Your kids are still like that too.

00:18:36.974 --> 00:18:38.105
So bribe them.

00:18:38.125 --> 00:18:39.654
Hey, I'm going to Starbucks.

00:18:39.944 --> 00:18:40.904
Why don't you come with me?

00:18:40.904 --> 00:18:41.174
Yeah,

00:18:41.174 --> 00:18:42.214
I'm going to Target.

00:18:42.224 --> 00:18:43.345
I want to go shopping.

00:18:43.394 --> 00:18:44.585
That's my daughter's love language.

00:18:44.855 --> 00:18:45.345
Okay, so

00:18:45.345 --> 00:18:46.065
say mine is Starbucks.

00:18:46.285 --> 00:18:46.545
Yeah.

00:18:46.545 --> 00:18:50.815
And with your boys who don't want to leave the house, play a game, get some food.

00:18:50.865 --> 00:18:52.714
No, take them to drive somewhere and get food.

00:18:53.025 --> 00:18:53.674
Be like, Hey.

00:18:53.980 --> 00:18:54.549
Are you hungry?

00:18:54.549 --> 00:18:58.220
Let's go here and pick something that's more than five minutes from the house

00:18:58.250 --> 00:19:02.009
or, you know, so you have that time to talk with them and drive in the car.

00:19:02.009 --> 00:19:04.440
And like you said, it's not such a sterile environment.

00:19:04.450 --> 00:19:07.339
It's not, Hey, look me in the eyes and talk to me about this right now.

00:19:07.339 --> 00:19:10.390
It's Hey, let's just, you know, we're just hanging out, just

00:19:10.390 --> 00:19:10.890
hanging out.

00:19:10.890 --> 00:19:12.750
It's called windshield time for a reason.

00:19:12.900 --> 00:19:14.589
I mean, just have that windshield time.

00:19:14.789 --> 00:19:15.970
And if you're concerned.

00:19:16.365 --> 00:19:17.214
Take it up a notch.

00:19:17.265 --> 00:19:22.815
I would rather you be like, I'm worried and let's take a look at it versus ignoring it all the time.

00:19:23.394 --> 00:19:28.025
So what are some other strategies that we can address for these challenging behaviors?

00:19:28.184 --> 00:19:29.355
Well, I think you said it before.

00:19:29.355 --> 00:19:30.474
Randy is empathy.

00:19:30.924 --> 00:19:32.994
You talked about setting boundaries.

00:19:33.244 --> 00:19:37.085
Being empathetic, having this open communication.

00:19:37.285 --> 00:19:39.194
The other part is, what can you do?

00:19:39.204 --> 00:19:40.825
Let's do therapy with Randy for a minute.

00:19:41.855 --> 00:19:43.055
What can you do?

00:19:44.744 --> 00:19:45.654
That's kind of cute actually.

00:19:46.894 --> 00:19:53.724
What can you do right now to encourage something like a healthy coping skill for your daughter without calling it that?

00:19:53.744 --> 00:19:55.335
Because she'll know you're doing therapy.

00:19:55.724 --> 00:19:56.055
She's

00:19:56.085 --> 00:19:56.974
going to be like, don't.

00:19:57.190 --> 00:19:58.089
Don't therapeutize me.

00:19:58.390 --> 00:19:59.670
Yeah, don't therapeutize me.

00:19:59.670 --> 00:20:00.470
Don't therapeutize me.

00:20:00.529 --> 00:20:01.460
I'm not your client.

00:20:01.849 --> 00:20:02.829
I'm your daughter.

00:20:03.400 --> 00:20:09.000
Well, for her too, I usually go to her and I ask her, What can I do to help you?

00:20:09.559 --> 00:20:11.079
What do you need right now?

00:20:11.609 --> 00:20:16.454
And then whether that's like a movie or I say, Do you want to go do one of our things together?

00:20:16.454 --> 00:20:23.105
Like her and I, even though I have other children, her and I one on one time is important for me to take with my kids.

00:20:23.134 --> 00:20:24.285
So I'll be like, let's go.

00:20:24.295 --> 00:20:25.484
We like to do crafts together.

00:20:25.484 --> 00:20:26.914
We like to go to the movies together.

00:20:26.924 --> 00:20:28.234
We'd like to shop together.

00:20:28.494 --> 00:20:33.255
So I'll ask her to do that stuff so that we do have that one on one time.

00:20:33.505 --> 00:20:36.265
And then it's like casual and it's not forced.

00:20:36.275 --> 00:20:40.015
And then I ask her things about her friends and what she's doing right now.

00:20:40.015 --> 00:20:40.954
She likes to game.

00:20:40.954 --> 00:20:41.944
So I ask about that.

00:20:41.964 --> 00:20:43.894
And then I work in.

00:20:44.134 --> 00:20:48.204
Those other things that are important for her to develop.

00:20:48.234 --> 00:20:51.625
And I also let her know, you need these coping skills.

00:20:51.724 --> 00:20:54.575
And I often use myself as an example too.

00:20:54.615 --> 00:20:58.605
I did or did not have this support structure when I was your age.

00:20:58.944 --> 00:21:00.565
And this is why I'm trying.

00:21:00.605 --> 00:21:02.724
I don't talk to her like a baby.

00:21:02.805 --> 00:21:07.204
I talk to her like she is a capable woman, an adult.

00:21:07.615 --> 00:21:10.065
And I think that she respects that more too.

00:21:10.335 --> 00:21:13.884
Well, because she is, and my daughter, she asks for dates.

00:21:14.125 --> 00:21:14.755
She'll do mom.

00:21:14.755 --> 00:21:15.654
We need a date soon.

00:21:15.734 --> 00:21:16.855
Okay, cool.

00:21:16.875 --> 00:21:17.724
What do you want to do?

00:21:17.835 --> 00:21:26.365
And that's just her and I getting out and doing some one on one time, but it's usually just walking around cause we're doing that windshield non direct eye contact

00:21:26.924 --> 00:21:27.595
talking.

00:21:27.805 --> 00:21:29.964
And I think it's important to.

00:21:30.220 --> 00:21:35.420
No, when you said that she's asking you and you're hearing her Mm hmm.

00:21:35.420 --> 00:21:46.589
I think a lot of the times we tell our kids not right now later Busy, I'm overwhelmed I'm stressed and they learn not to come to us then

00:21:46.769 --> 00:21:51.140
and they also learn that that's a really crappy coping skill because that's what They do I'm stressed right now.

00:21:51.329 --> 00:21:54.424
And all they're doing is mimicking what you've shown them They're not

00:21:54.424 --> 00:21:58.454
really getting to the root of why they're stressed or why it's like this blanket.

00:21:58.805 --> 00:22:02.095
So hear your kids when they say, Hey, I want to go.

00:22:02.490 --> 00:22:06.700
Do this or I need this look for the ways that they are reaching out for you.

00:22:06.720 --> 00:22:09.259
It might not sound like that in a certain way.

00:22:09.269 --> 00:22:11.839
It might be like, Hey, can you watch me play Minecraft?

00:22:12.140 --> 00:22:15.589
Hey, can you drive my friends and I to the movies?

00:22:15.589 --> 00:22:27.130
Hey, can you, these are opportunities that you can take to help these behaviors and to help them build coping skills and to build that relationship with your teens so that it's not so explosive.

00:22:27.355 --> 00:22:29.734
Yeah, mine is, we're hosting her friends again.

00:22:29.974 --> 00:22:33.884
She wants, I don't know, five or six of her friends to come over, which is great.

00:22:34.204 --> 00:22:38.224
And they just take over our living room, dining room area and play games that are loud.

00:22:38.224 --> 00:22:39.694
And she's like, can you do that?

00:22:39.694 --> 00:22:40.984
Do you mind providing sandwiches?

00:22:41.164 --> 00:22:42.704
I was like, sure, that's fine.

00:22:42.775 --> 00:22:43.585
We'll be around.

00:22:43.615 --> 00:22:44.775
We'll give you some space.

00:22:44.775 --> 00:22:45.573
We're still within your distance.

00:22:45.573 --> 00:22:46.414
And though it might

00:22:46.565 --> 00:22:48.144
inconvenience you.

00:22:48.509 --> 00:22:51.009
at certain times or be stressful at certain times.

00:22:51.210 --> 00:22:52.349
What is the alternative?

00:22:52.349 --> 00:22:56.339
If you kept saying no, no, no, like, where are they going to go and do these things?

00:22:56.339 --> 00:22:59.940
Where are they going to look for other ways to entertain themselves?

00:22:59.990 --> 00:23:01.309
I think of these things.

00:23:01.430 --> 00:23:03.809
So I've always been like the, yeah, sure.

00:23:03.839 --> 00:23:05.430
Like all your friends can come over.

00:23:05.430 --> 00:23:06.549
Your friends can stay here.

00:23:06.549 --> 00:23:06.880
You're fine.

00:23:06.880 --> 00:23:07.650
You can eat our food.

00:23:07.650 --> 00:23:13.359
I will buy all the snacks because I would rather that than the alternate.

00:23:14.039 --> 00:23:14.240
This way

00:23:14.309 --> 00:23:18.619
at least I can pay attention to what's going on and I know the friends and I can be like, Oh, okay.

00:23:18.619 --> 00:23:21.150
And then you meet the parents at this age because mine don't drive yet.

00:23:21.319 --> 00:23:26.819
But let's talk about what you were leading to is what if they're experimenting with drugs or alcohol?

00:23:27.160 --> 00:23:31.680
And it's really hard because we have so many different states with so many laws.

00:23:31.990 --> 00:23:34.450
Obviously where we are, we're like the last three to

00:23:34.450 --> 00:23:37.259
not be having, oh my gosh, we live in the backwoods.

00:23:37.309 --> 00:23:37.579
Anyways.

00:23:38.440 --> 00:23:38.589
Yeah.

00:23:38.599 --> 00:23:40.519
We're like the last, by the end of this year, there's going to be like.

00:23:40.684 --> 00:23:48.345
three states that don't have some form of either CBD, marijuana usage, recreation, medical.

00:23:48.355 --> 00:23:49.065
And it's us.

00:23:49.194 --> 00:23:49.674
It's us.

00:23:49.755 --> 00:23:49.954
Yeah.

00:23:49.954 --> 00:23:50.305
We're here.

00:23:50.525 --> 00:23:52.434
A lot of this stuff is legal.

00:23:52.434 --> 00:23:54.674
And I've always said, Hey, are you 18?

00:23:54.674 --> 00:23:55.494
Are you 21?

00:23:55.755 --> 00:23:56.795
Whatever your law is.

00:23:57.055 --> 00:24:02.434
If at 18, if you can smoke pot, that's great at 18, you're legal at 21.

00:24:02.444 --> 00:24:03.974
If you can drink, then you're legal.

00:24:03.994 --> 00:24:07.464
But let's talk about what are the household rules,00:24:07.765 --> 00:24:08.154


right?00:24:08.174 --> 00:24:10.285


And also, what are the risks?00:24:10.355 --> 00:24:12.755


To not only your physical health, but your mental00:24:12.964 --> 00:24:15.704


health and your brain, the growth, the development.00:24:15.714 --> 00:24:15.974


So00:24:15.974 --> 00:24:21.964


being supportive and holding up your rules and boundaries, but also while being not non judge.00:24:22.644 --> 00:24:26.795


I can't say the word non judge mental, non judge today.00:24:28.085 --> 00:24:28.555


Real quick.00:24:28.575 --> 00:24:33.075


I want to go back to say, what are you showing them as your example?00:24:33.474 --> 00:24:40.494


If you're a smoker, your kid is more likely to smoke if you're a drinker and they've grown up around alcohol and it's been normalized.00:24:40.509 --> 00:24:42.059


They're more likely to drink.00:24:42.069 --> 00:24:44.750


And so what are you showing them?00:24:45.150 --> 00:24:48.599


Some kids grow up and they're like, they've seen you drink and they're like, I'm never drinking.00:24:48.700 --> 00:24:49.509


You're like, okay, cool.00:24:49.710 --> 00:24:50.250


That's great.00:24:50.509 --> 00:24:55.009


And some kids, they just still their parents alcohol and water down the vodka.00:24:55.259 --> 00:24:55.990


I mean, whatever.00:24:55.990 --> 00:24:56.900


We're not pointing fingers.00:24:57.119 --> 00:25:04.569


You have to look at yourselves and what example you've also been showing them and making sure it's not the pot, column and kettle black.00:25:04.579 --> 00:25:05.529


Is that, can you say that?00:25:06.400 --> 00:25:08.730


Yeah, because if you are showing them.00:25:09.130 --> 00:25:11.339


Something and then saying something else.00:25:11.805 --> 00:25:13.835


They're not going to have any respect for you.00:25:13.855 --> 00:25:15.355


And you're like, why don't they respect me?00:25:15.365 --> 00:25:20.045


Well, if you're being a hypocrite, I mean, nobody's going to listen to you.00:25:20.184 --> 00:25:21.365


Would you listen to yourself?00:25:21.664 --> 00:25:22.105


Oh yeah.00:25:22.174 --> 00:25:23.285


We would talk shit in a heartbeat.00:25:23.454 --> 00:25:24.134


Exactly.00:25:24.734 --> 00:25:26.964


You are also talking about how do we support.00:25:27.259 --> 00:25:33.269


Our children's mental health right now, this is so challenging for us, but it's not about us.00:25:33.289 --> 00:25:34.170


This is about them.00:25:34.509 --> 00:25:37.849


So how do we support them creating00:25:37.869 --> 00:25:39.279


a safe space for them?00:25:39.339 --> 00:25:40.589


Uh, safe space.00:25:40.619 --> 00:25:44.490


You that is your job as parents to create the safe space00:25:45.069 --> 00:25:49.500


and then giving them creative outlets to express themselves.00:25:49.500 --> 00:25:51.279


Whatever that looks like.00:25:51.279 --> 00:25:53.505


If that's gaming are journaling.00:25:53.855 --> 00:26:06.144


time with you, whatever it is that they love, that's kind of like puts a spark in them, support that and let them know that my daughter doesn't want to take the traditional route of going to college right away.00:26:06.464 --> 00:26:08.805


And I am a very academic person.00:26:08.815 --> 00:26:12.430


So at first I was like, Then I was like, no, this is not me.00:26:12.430 --> 00:26:13.170


This is her.00:26:13.170 --> 00:26:15.640


And I want to support her and where she's at.00:26:15.660 --> 00:26:20.700


And a lot of other people who have no influence in our life have decided to make comments about it.00:26:21.480 --> 00:26:22.769


Opinions are like assholes.00:26:22.829 --> 00:26:24.359


We all have them and they all00:26:24.380 --> 00:26:24.940


stink.00:26:24.950 --> 00:26:25.539


Exactly.00:26:25.539 --> 00:26:30.525


And I don't want that to deter her from doing something because I've always taught my kids that.00:26:30.944 --> 00:26:34.734


When you do something you love, that is finding true success.00:26:35.204 --> 00:26:36.174


It's not a paper.00:26:36.174 --> 00:26:37.384


It's not a degree.00:26:37.384 --> 00:26:41.674


It's not making sure your mental health is good and making sure you can00:26:41.674 --> 00:26:42.375


take care of yourself.00:26:42.375 --> 00:26:42.924


You gotta be honest.00:26:43.095 --> 00:26:43.964


You gotta eat and pay00:26:43.964 --> 00:26:44.714


your rent.00:26:44.954 --> 00:26:45.164


Yeah.00:26:45.164 --> 00:26:52.775


And still that there are still financial things that you need to do, but you can find success with things that you love as well.00:26:53.240 --> 00:26:54.839


But it doesn't have to be the traditional00:26:54.839 --> 00:26:55.309


route.00:26:55.829 --> 00:27:04.839


And that's why in our house, we did it with our oldest and we still say with our youngest is, you know, there are three things you can go get a trade.00:27:05.019 --> 00:27:08.109


Those sometimes pay higher than a college degree, right?00:27:08.170 --> 00:27:12.390


You can go to college, you can go into the military.00:27:12.615 --> 00:27:14.694


You can get a job right away.00:27:15.035 --> 00:27:16.515


Our thing is we don't need a roommate.00:27:16.615 --> 00:27:17.194


We're good.00:27:17.825 --> 00:27:21.785


But for us, if you want to live at home, you have to do one of the three things.00:27:22.144 --> 00:27:26.664


You can go to trade, you can go to college, you can go into the military.00:27:26.785 --> 00:27:28.795


Our oldest chose the military route.00:27:29.164 --> 00:27:30.085


That's great.00:27:30.144 --> 00:27:31.394


Not what we were expecting.00:27:31.724 --> 00:27:33.615


And now he's ready to come back.00:27:33.894 --> 00:27:34.785


He's getting out.00:27:34.795 --> 00:27:35.394


He's done it.00:27:35.714 --> 00:27:36.384


So guess what?00:27:36.394 --> 00:27:38.474


Now he can go to college.00:27:38.994 --> 00:27:39.944


And the military pays for it.00:27:39.944 --> 00:27:40.525


Fantastic.00:27:40.595 --> 00:27:41.035


Yeah.00:27:41.154 --> 00:27:41.615


Awesome.00:27:41.744 --> 00:27:42.154


I know.00:27:42.154 --> 00:27:43.494


We're like, all right, good job.00:27:43.555 --> 00:27:46.595


And you can come back and live at home and go to college.00:27:46.755 --> 00:27:47.765


We're okay with that.00:27:48.474 --> 00:27:51.724


Some parents are like, you're 18, you're out, but it's so hard out00:27:51.724 --> 00:27:52.085


there.00:27:52.394 --> 00:27:52.984


It is.00:27:52.984 --> 00:28:07.795


And not just like the world as it is, but also like financially, I know I used to live in a, Jess and I come from a very expensive state where we used to live and grew up and a lot of.00:28:08.065 --> 00:28:15.875


People I know still live with parents or family and friends because it's really expensive.00:28:16.365 --> 00:28:19.055


And now it's their parents are living with them because it's really00:28:19.055 --> 00:28:19.775


expensive.00:28:19.825 --> 00:28:26.855


Or I have friends that have never, they make really damn good money, but they still can't afford to buy a house.00:28:27.585 --> 00:28:28.275


And that's okay.00:28:28.474 --> 00:28:29.654


And, and that's okay.00:28:29.684 --> 00:28:34.325


Things don't have to look a certain way that we picture this cookie cutter cutout.00:28:34.634 --> 00:28:40.365


It can come in various forms and understanding that and having the empathy for that really helps our kids.00:28:40.724 --> 00:28:50.055


Now, I know this is very hard, but a lot of times we feel like our kids are pulling away and distancing themselves from not only us, but their own friends and their own family.00:28:50.174 --> 00:28:51.214


And is that normal?00:28:51.849 --> 00:28:52.180


Yeah.00:28:52.579 --> 00:28:56.940


That is so normal for them to just want this independence.00:28:57.039 --> 00:28:58.529


And they're also terrified.00:28:58.900 --> 00:29:02.410


As parents, we joke that your 13 year old is going to go hide up in their room.00:29:02.420 --> 00:29:03.089


Ha ha ha.00:29:03.119 --> 00:29:03.759


Yeah, they do.00:29:03.779 --> 00:29:04.750


They go hide up in the room.00:29:04.750 --> 00:29:06.539


They come down if it wasn't for food.00:29:06.630 --> 00:29:06.970


Right.00:29:06.980 --> 00:29:08.460


We may not see them sometimes.00:29:08.865 --> 00:29:15.644


I think that's a normal thing at this age too, is that they're starting to withdraw a little bit and hunker in their corner kind of00:29:15.644 --> 00:29:16.015


thing.00:29:16.085 --> 00:29:29.464


And I think what we talked about a little bit earlier is creating that distance to as a protective barrier to losing maybe what they know in their comfort zone and trying to prepare themselves, like putting up their walls.00:29:29.640 --> 00:29:29.769


Yeah.00:29:29.769 --> 00:29:38.160


And they just need to find a balance and we have to find the balance between their need for independence and really maintaining the family rules and bonds.00:29:38.539 --> 00:29:39.309


You still live here.00:29:39.309 --> 00:29:40.670


You still got to unload the dishes.00:29:40.710 --> 00:29:41.430


I'm sorry.00:29:41.430 --> 00:29:42.109


That's just part00:29:42.109 --> 00:29:42.640


of the rules.00:29:42.910 --> 00:29:45.589


That leads into what really does.00:29:45.859 --> 00:29:50.549


Autonomy have to do with a teen and young adult's development.00:29:50.750 --> 00:29:52.140


These are life skills.00:29:52.470 --> 00:29:56.940


My oldest used to get so mad because his mom would always be like, these are life skills.00:29:56.960 --> 00:30:00.609


You have to learn how to do this stuff because you got to learn how to pump your own gas.00:30:01.259 --> 00:30:03.640


You have to learn all these different things.00:30:03.869 --> 00:30:09.255


These are the things that we want them to be able to make decisions and be responsible.00:30:09.255 --> 00:30:12.164


Responsible and rely on themselves for things.00:30:12.575 --> 00:30:13.055


Let's00:30:13.055 --> 00:30:13.984


go back a little bit.00:30:13.984 --> 00:30:16.595


Let's define what autonomy is.00:30:16.625 --> 00:30:23.365


'cause I feel like that's one of those words that gets thrown around, but people might not understand specifically what it is.00:30:23.365 --> 00:30:30.414


And it means the right to govern yourself, like your body, your decisions, your mind, and owning that.00:30:30.654 --> 00:30:34.434


So this is giving your teens the right to self govern.00:30:34.555 --> 00:30:34.974


It's like when00:30:34.974 --> 00:30:36.174


they were little and they're like.00:30:36.494 --> 00:30:39.464


Put their hands on their hips and say, you can't tell me what to do.00:30:40.134 --> 00:30:40.805


You remember that?00:30:40.884 --> 00:30:41.234


Well, I00:30:41.295 --> 00:30:42.325


used to say, yes, I can.00:30:42.345 --> 00:30:43.424


Yes, I can.00:30:45.167 --> 00:30:51.907


Some of the things I'll say with the oldest is that if you are not relying on us financially, you're not living in our house.00:30:51.907 --> 00:30:53.298


We're not paying for your cell phone.00:30:53.667 --> 00:30:56.228


We're not paying for college or your car insurance.00:30:56.798 --> 00:30:59.768


You have a hundred percent control over what you do.00:30:59.867 --> 00:31:00.258


Yeah.00:31:00.617 --> 00:31:01.798


I'm not saying that.00:31:01.863 --> 00:31:04.643


Yeah.00:31:04.643 --> 00:31:05.752


It's not pay to play.00:31:05.803 --> 00:31:06.042


Yeah.00:31:06.063 --> 00:31:06.833


No, it's not that.00:31:06.843 --> 00:31:08.282


But if you're going to live in our house,00:31:08.623 --> 00:31:09.512


there's boundaries,00:31:09.843 --> 00:31:13.012


responsibilities, there are responsibilities and rules and boundaries, right?00:31:13.063 --> 00:31:16.153


As an adult, if you're not going to come home, can you let us know?00:31:16.153 --> 00:31:17.843


So we're not worried about you being in a ditch.00:31:18.202 --> 00:31:19.202


I don't need to know what you're00:31:19.202 --> 00:31:19.482


doing.00:31:19.492 --> 00:31:26.272


I just had a friend or really she, she was struggling with that because she was like, I just want her to tell me that she's safe.00:31:26.313 --> 00:31:26.502


Yeah.00:31:26.682 --> 00:31:29.292


I don't care like about anything else.00:31:29.323 --> 00:31:30.373


I just want.00:31:30.682 --> 00:31:33.663


Her to be like, I am here and that's okay.00:31:34.472 --> 00:31:36.303


We just told him, be a good roommate.00:31:36.343 --> 00:31:40.393


This is what you do with when you have roommates in your twenties, Hey, I'm going out and not coming back.00:31:40.403 --> 00:31:40.692


Cool.00:31:40.702 --> 00:31:41.143


Thanks.00:31:41.502 --> 00:31:43.663


So they don't go, Hey, I haven't seen her in four days.00:31:43.663 --> 00:31:44.492


What happened?00:31:44.502 --> 00:31:45.262


Should I call somebody?00:31:45.633 --> 00:31:48.792


This is just being a good roommate as they get older.00:31:49.032 --> 00:31:52.782


And that's what you want them to do and learn how to balance a checkbook or at least their account.00:31:53.123 --> 00:31:53.323


And00:31:53.442 --> 00:32:00.972


that's, that comes with these skills that we need to teach them about being prepared.00:32:00.992 --> 00:32:01.962


So like age.00:32:01.962 --> 00:32:02.083


Yeah.00:32:02.383 --> 00:32:06.843


appropriate responsibilities and important decision making.00:32:06.853 --> 00:32:09.982


Like, how do I balance a checkbook?00:32:09.982 --> 00:32:13.303


Like, how do I pay attention to my account balance?00:32:13.313 --> 00:32:18.182


Like, how do I divide a dinner with friends or something like that?00:32:18.192 --> 00:32:20.252


These things that we don't think about.00:32:20.303 --> 00:32:20.442


Well,00:32:20.442 --> 00:32:21.913


that's a hard one even as adults.00:32:21.932 --> 00:32:22.242


Right.00:32:22.242 --> 00:32:23.542


They even have apps for that.00:32:23.603 --> 00:32:28.153


Like how to split like apps and like vacations and things like that.00:32:28.153 --> 00:32:28.613


Because.00:32:28.853 --> 00:32:30.923


This is something that people have struggled with.00:32:30.962 --> 00:32:33.613


It is a struggle because everybody handles money differently.00:32:34.173 --> 00:32:42.542


And like how to talk to their teachers or their professors or at their job, like how to handle certain situations.00:32:42.823 --> 00:32:53.163


These are important life skills that a lot of us had to learn or still haven't learned and they should teach in high school, but they don't.00:32:54.077 --> 00:32:59.948


And budgeting things like that, that nobody ever sat down and did that with me.00:33:00.407 --> 00:33:05.488


And so I struggled with budgeting and finances until I was much older struggle because you're ADHD.00:33:05.577 --> 00:33:07.738


Well, yeah, that's that's what that is.00:33:07.738 --> 00:33:10.307


But yeah, but still, I didn't have any skills to.00:33:10.462 --> 00:33:13.853


Back up my brain that was all by this,00:33:15.232 --> 00:33:26.663


but with, with that, I like one of the points you just made was that don't wait until you're the second semester of senior year to all of a sudden throw all of these things onto your child.00:33:27.182 --> 00:33:28.772


Let's do all these life hacks right now.00:33:29.232 --> 00:33:29.492


Yeah.00:33:29.492 --> 00:33:30.462


That's not going to work.00:33:30.782 --> 00:33:34.373


We started in eighth grade.00:33:34.593 --> 00:33:35.803


This was eighth grade this year.00:33:35.803 --> 00:33:41.742


I said, you need to every year at the beginning of the year, I've sent an email saying, this is my child.00:33:41.762 --> 00:33:43.363


My child is ADHD.00:33:43.363 --> 00:33:46.292


These are her, what she needs, what she excels at.00:33:46.303 --> 00:33:49.212


These are the accommodations per 504.00:33:49.272 --> 00:33:49.692


Right?00:33:49.752 --> 00:33:51.133


Let me know if you have any questions.00:33:51.133 --> 00:33:52.623


Well, this year I said, you're eighth grade.00:33:52.623 --> 00:33:53.542


Now you need to send it.00:33:53.728 --> 00:33:54.307


Wait, what?00:33:54.478 --> 00:33:54.637


Or00:33:54.637 --> 00:33:56.968


have that conversation with your teachers.00:33:56.978 --> 00:33:57.137


I00:33:57.137 --> 00:33:59.147


wanted an email and a conversation.00:33:59.157 --> 00:34:01.627


So we sat down and she sent it.00:34:01.817 --> 00:34:03.218


Why do I have to do this?00:34:03.248 --> 00:34:08.467


I said, cause in four or five years, you'll be in college and you're going to have to learn to advocate for yourself.00:34:08.637 --> 00:34:11.208


I can't be your mommy on your college campus.00:34:11.688 --> 00:34:12.427


Exactly.00:34:12.518 --> 00:34:15.117


Or at your job or whatever happens, you have00:34:15.117 --> 00:34:15.768


to learn.00:34:15.777 --> 00:34:20.177


I can't tell your boss he's a jerk and that this, I said, you have to learn to do this.00:34:20.208 --> 00:34:22.117


And so start earlier.00:34:22.128 --> 00:34:23.498


And that's empowerment.00:34:23.568 --> 00:34:24.117


Yeah.00:34:24.128 --> 00:34:25.128


Start earlier.00:34:25.128 --> 00:34:29.858


So you're not dumping all of this senior year going, well, you're going to be 18 in three months.00:34:29.887 --> 00:34:30.637


What are you going to do?00:34:30.668 --> 00:34:30.838


Yeah.00:34:30.838 --> 00:34:33.347


And adding more fuel to the fire and their anxiety.00:34:33.827 --> 00:34:35.918


But that's just going to make it worse.00:34:36.148 --> 00:34:36.538


Speaking00:34:36.538 --> 00:34:41.958


of anxiety, if you're worried about their behavior, what do you do?00:34:41.958 --> 00:34:46.307


I know we talked about it a little bit before, but Randy, what do you do when you're worried about your daughter's00:34:46.398 --> 00:34:47.657


anxiety or you're worried?00:34:47.657 --> 00:34:49.458


I trust my intuition about it.00:34:49.458 --> 00:34:52.268


And then I reach out to people that can support me through this.00:34:52.297 --> 00:34:59.268


And that's usually a doctor, therapist, counselor, a school counselor, a teacher.00:34:59.538 --> 00:35:07.197


Or a psychiatrist that can help guide me to the right things that she needs that I might not be able to give her.00:35:07.577 --> 00:35:07.847


Yeah.00:35:07.847 --> 00:35:13.188


Or maybe you just need to get your own Xanax and you can not have the anxiety that she's bringing up.00:35:13.228 --> 00:35:13.538


Exactly.00:35:13.547 --> 00:35:14.307


I'm kidding guys.00:35:14.347 --> 00:35:14.788


I'm kidding.00:35:16.597 --> 00:35:16.657


Kind of.00:35:17.248 --> 00:35:22.608


So with all these things, the most important thing is keep that communication open.00:35:23.608 --> 00:35:28.268


And empathetic listening and really validate how their feelings.00:35:28.307 --> 00:35:31.657


We all need to have our feelings validated.00:35:31.668 --> 00:35:35.958


That doesn't change whether you're 5 or you're 55 or you're 105.00:35:36.557 --> 00:35:45.148


And when it comes down to it, our jobs as a parent or caregiver is to show support and to love unconditionally.00:35:45.197 --> 00:35:46.438


Unconditionally means.00:35:48.177 --> 00:35:48.797


Conditions.00:35:48.818 --> 00:35:49.527


Conditions.00:35:49.547 --> 00:35:49.967


Yeah.00:35:50.327 --> 00:35:51.407


You don't want to gaslight.00:35:51.418 --> 00:35:52.867


You don't want to be a narcissist.00:35:52.907 --> 00:35:57.228


You don't want to say, I always tell my daughter sometimes, I don't like you, but I love you.00:35:58.717 --> 00:36:03.947


And I would rather her say, I don't like your behavior right now, but I love you no matter what.00:36:04.027 --> 00:36:05.398


And I love you no matter what.00:36:05.398 --> 00:36:05.657


No buts.00:36:05.907 --> 00:36:06.648


And I love you.00:36:06.887 --> 00:36:11.447


Cause remember your kids right now are scared and terrified.00:36:11.617 --> 00:36:13.547


They have been working so hard.00:36:13.902 --> 00:36:18.552


So hard to get to this point and, oh my gosh, it's so much to do still.00:36:19.103 --> 00:36:23.793


And then there's these expectations and they're not, like you said, your daughter's not doing the traditional route.00:36:24.222 --> 00:36:26.853


She couldn't be comparing herself to other kids.00:36:27.092 --> 00:36:29.413


Well, they're going to college and I don't want to.00:36:29.443 --> 00:36:29.952


Exactly.00:36:29.952 --> 00:36:35.492


That's another thing is they have their own peer pressure from this.00:36:35.992 --> 00:36:42.813


Their friends are doing certain things or so and so is going to Ivy league or so and so is not, or so and so is going to trade school or so and so is.00:36:43.422 --> 00:36:43.992


Whatever.00:36:43.992 --> 00:36:46.202


And comparing, am I doing the right thing?00:36:46.233 --> 00:36:47.373


Am I doing the wrong thing?00:36:47.393 --> 00:36:48.682


Am I, do I want to do this?00:36:48.682 --> 00:36:52.063


Do I want, and let's be honest, our minds change all the time.00:36:52.063 --> 00:36:57.103


So maybe that path you started on isn't the path you want to take the day of graduation.00:36:57.333 --> 00:37:00.623


And maybe they're fearful to tell you, Hey, I decided I don't want to do00:37:00.672 --> 00:37:01.163


that.00:37:01.213 --> 00:37:02.043


I'm telling you.00:37:02.172 --> 00:37:07.112


I am telling you, ours, he was going to go to a four year college.00:37:07.123 --> 00:37:08.233


He was going to do this.00:37:08.592 --> 00:37:11.362


And then all of a sudden he said, I'm going to go in the military.00:37:11.413 --> 00:37:12.402


And we were like, wait, what?00:37:12.452 --> 00:37:12.782


What?00:37:13.052 --> 00:37:13.393


You don't like00:37:13.402 --> 00:37:13.693


our rules?00:37:13.922 --> 00:37:14.932


360, what just happened?00:37:14.943 --> 00:37:15.123


You don't like00:37:15.413 --> 00:37:17.313


our rules, but you want to go to the military.00:37:17.382 --> 00:37:17.932


Okay.00:37:17.952 --> 00:37:29.422


And then the next thing you know, we had a Marine person showing up in our driveway and he calls me and he's like, Jess, Jess, the Marine was in my driveway, in the driveway when I got home today.00:37:29.943 --> 00:37:31.688


And, and I was like, The recruiter.00:37:32.057 --> 00:37:32.358


What?00:37:32.728 --> 00:37:34.918


I was like, you're not even 18 yet.00:37:35.038 --> 00:37:36.458


He was like, can you help?00:37:36.597 --> 00:37:37.577


I was like, yeah.00:37:37.577 --> 00:37:38.557


And we talked about it.00:37:38.557 --> 00:37:39.797


I said, how can I support you?00:37:40.307 --> 00:37:41.777


He was like, I'm not ready.00:37:41.777 --> 00:37:44.038


I don't need him showing up at my house.00:37:44.077 --> 00:37:47.827


So I called him up and I was like, dude, he's not 18 yet.00:37:47.938 --> 00:37:48.538


Too much.00:37:48.557 --> 00:37:49.858


Don't show up at my driveway.00:37:50.182 --> 00:37:53.293


If we want you, we will reach out to you, which I get it.00:37:53.293 --> 00:37:57.163


They're recruiters, but he was like, that freaked him out.00:37:57.922 --> 00:38:00.932


I was like, yeah, it wasn't the thought.00:38:00.943 --> 00:38:02.822


We thought you were going to go that path, but00:38:02.882 --> 00:38:03.222


Hey.00:38:03.733 --> 00:38:08.322


And so just being able to pivot with what they decide and go with.00:38:08.563 --> 00:38:12.253


I changed my mind 500 times about what I'm going to eat for the afternoon.00:38:12.253 --> 00:38:16.143


So it's let alone a life, what can feel like a life altering decision.00:38:16.152 --> 00:38:17.913


And did I take the path?00:38:17.952 --> 00:38:20.333


I, I was one of those people that planned out.00:38:20.623 --> 00:38:24.693


Every aspect of my life, and I have this 5 year, 10 year, 15 year plan.00:38:24.873 --> 00:38:25.932


Didn't any of that happen?00:38:26.422 --> 00:38:27.123


F no.00:38:27.393 --> 00:38:27.693


I know.00:38:27.702 --> 00:38:32.282


If anybody told me that I would be sitting here doing a podcast in Idaho, I would have been like, oh, what?00:38:32.563 --> 00:38:32.762


Right.00:38:32.762 --> 00:38:34.943


Or that I would be a psychotherapist.00:38:35.012 --> 00:38:37.452


I would have probably, well, I wanted to be an art therapist.00:38:37.452 --> 00:38:38.773


So it's not like that far off.00:38:38.773 --> 00:38:48.893


But I ended up having to take my mom got ill and I ended up having to take a huge gap between college and I didn't get where I wanted to go until probably 10 years later.00:38:48.913 --> 00:38:51.012


And I was so hard on myself.00:38:51.282 --> 00:38:52.592


And that's the thing you have to understand.00:38:52.612 --> 00:38:59.652


Our kids are probably having this inner dialogue in their mind and they're probably beating themselves up over things.00:38:59.882 --> 00:39:02.313


So we don't need to probably beat them up too about00:39:02.313 --> 00:39:02.572


it.00:39:02.788 --> 00:39:05.237


No, just hug them and tell them you love them,00:39:05.478 --> 00:39:18.577


celebrate their achievements, whether they're small or big, just the little things to, to let them know that you're not just harping on things that are like negative, but find the positive in that and really cherish those things that make them unique,00:39:18.728 --> 00:39:20.688


find other things to talk to them about.00:39:20.898 --> 00:39:22.427


Besides, did you take out the trash?00:39:22.427 --> 00:39:23.268


Did you do the dishes?00:39:23.268 --> 00:39:24.617


Did you turn in your homework?00:39:24.648 --> 00:39:25.077


Yeah.00:39:25.157 --> 00:39:28.097


Find something else to have conversations.00:39:28.097 --> 00:39:30.748


Pull them out of their room or go join them in their room.00:39:30.748 --> 00:39:31.057


Mm hmm.00:39:31.117 --> 00:39:31.277


Yeah.00:39:31.277 --> 00:39:35.097


Sometimes I'll just go and I'll sit on my daughter's bed and she's like, what are you doing?00:39:35.097 --> 00:39:36.188


And I'm like, it's so weird.00:39:36.188 --> 00:39:40.947


And I'm like, I'm here, but they can come in our room all the time and just hang out.00:39:40.958 --> 00:39:41.987


She'll steal our makeup.00:39:42.268 --> 00:39:42.987


She comes in my room.00:39:43.552 --> 00:39:47.523


Night and we have these full conversations and her dad is like, what is happening right now?00:39:47.523 --> 00:39:52.862


And why is she and I'm like, I, I never dissuade that because I love it.00:39:53.083 --> 00:40:03.322


I cherish that time and it helps this period when we're struggling and frustrated as a parent or as a caregiver, I just am like, okay, I look forward to that00:40:03.333 --> 00:40:03.902


stuff.00:40:03.952 --> 00:40:05.632


I think my daughter gets weirded out too.00:40:05.632 --> 00:40:10.172


When I go and lay in her bed, she's got all these squish mellows all over and it's so comfortable.00:40:10.182 --> 00:40:10.557


And she's like.00:40:10.717 --> 00:40:11.208


What are you doing?00:40:11.217 --> 00:40:11.447


Yeah.00:40:11.547 --> 00:40:12.568


Why are you laying on my bed?00:40:12.577 --> 00:40:13.708


Why are you touching my stuff?00:40:13.708 --> 00:40:14.617


I'm like, I just want to be here.00:40:14.947 --> 00:40:15.197


Cause it's00:40:15.358 --> 00:40:16.427


soft and it's great.00:40:16.438 --> 00:40:18.788


And I said, this is really fun.00:40:18.797 --> 00:40:19.097


Yeah.00:40:19.318 --> 00:40:23.438


Cause your room's super cute and mine doesn't have a bunch of cute stuffed animals and things all over the place.00:40:23.438 --> 00:40:24.777


No, I'm an adult.00:40:24.807 --> 00:40:25.128


Yeah.00:40:25.157 --> 00:40:25.538


Boring.00:40:26.362 --> 00:40:38.793


Remember that when your teen is navigating this last semester of high school and all of these challenges that they are throwing at you, this is a very natural process.00:40:39.282 --> 00:40:39.932


It's normal.00:40:39.932 --> 00:40:41.322


We're normalizing00:40:41.322 --> 00:40:41.373


it.00:40:41.373 --> 00:40:42.722


It is normal.00:40:42.762 --> 00:40:43.742


They are not.00:40:44.182 --> 00:40:51.202


Trying to be a holes, they really are just having all of this, like Randy said, these inner dialogues,00:40:51.213 --> 00:40:54.353


all these feelings and hormones and stress.00:40:54.362 --> 00:41:00.762


And I just want to say, I hope that this normalized it for you, because when Jess talked to me about this.00:41:01.012 --> 00:41:11.603


I took such a big sigh of relief and was able to step back and also give myself perspective about it and my teenager as well.00:41:11.603 --> 00:41:15.342


And it helped as a whole, just being able to talk about that.00:41:15.373 --> 00:41:16.822


I wasn't alone in this.00:41:16.842 --> 00:41:20.643


And yes, even us as therapists, we still struggle with that on the daily.00:41:20.793 --> 00:41:21.952


You're not alone.00:41:22.003 --> 00:41:27.813


This is a very normal process and it's going to kick up some anxiety in the house.00:41:28.052 --> 00:41:30.432


Even the dogs are probably acting out at this point.00:41:30.443 --> 00:41:30.913


Right.00:41:31.242 --> 00:41:32.552


This is just normal guys.00:41:32.833 --> 00:41:33.672


You get through this.00:41:33.672 --> 00:41:34.163


You will.00:41:34.422 --> 00:41:36.523


And we hope this episode has helped you today.