The Myth of 50/50: How to Find Balance in Your Marriage

Hi friends, it's Randy and Jess and we're going to cut the bullshit and let's get into women's mental health. Welcome to the Women's Mental Health Podcast with Randy and Jess We're two licensed psychotherapists where we talk about mental health, well-being and strategies for coping with life challenges and how it's all normal You are in the right place my friends. Welcome to today's podcast episode, where we're going to dive into the concept of marriage not being 50-50, not a 50-50 partnership.

Right, yes, you said not a 50-50 partnership.

Yes, not.

Recently Bernay Brown you know I love my Bernay Brown, everybody does She went through and shed light on how it's important to have a conversation and that marriage is not 50-50. And so I wanted to talk more about that, because I also love Zon Right and she's like. She's like it should be 50-50,. they should be doing their part.

Yeah, everybody equal all the time, And so if you guys have more questions and want more resources too, we're just going to throw out. You can find us on women'smentalhealthpodcastcom and we're going to jump into this episode. Have you ever had these thoughts?

What does a 50-50 marriage actually look?

like. How do I meet the needs of our relationship without feeling resentment?

How do I ask for? what do I ask for in a way that I'll be heard?

Why isn't my partner reading my mind Right? Why are they not mind readers? How do they not know this by now?

Do I even know what I want or need physically or emotionally?

Does a 50-50 relationship mean that you're keeping score of everything? It's like a tit for tat Which, oh God, that would suck.

But a lot of people do that They do and that's what they think it's supposed to, and so I think it's really confusing. And so I know Bernay. she did an interview a couple of years ago. it recently just popped up again. And it was really cool because the way she described her and her husband it seemed like oh well, that makes a lot of sense. But now, when we also apply that with what you talked about earlier with Zon, i would love to get the two of them together for dinner and see how that went. Let's get the two of them together. So let's go into more. So what does a 50-50 marriage mean If everything was equal across the board.

So you all did the same amount of work, income caregiving for your kids, cleaning And is that really realistic?

If I clean a bathroom, you clean a bathroom. Or if you clean the master, i clean two of the guests Right. So like very, like reciprocal.

Would you call that reciprocal? Like you do this, i do this, you do this, i do this. Like back and forth, back and forth.

I don't know, that feels more like a compromise or like a bargain. But sometimes we think 50-50 means we do the exact same, and is that even possible? Yeah, i don't think so, giving the exact sameness and equality rather than what the relationship needs. And that's an interesting concept when you say, like, what does the relationship need? So why does a 50-50 marriage not work?

Nobody is ever going to be 100 all the time. If we're talking about percentages too, like if you come and you're like, okay, i'm going to give 100% every day, every time I show up, do you do that for yourself, for your kids, for your?

Definitely not for myself. You have to, i mean, think about it.

We do not do that for ourselves, no, Are we going to always show up in our marriage putting that in or putting into like our chores like 100%. Some days we feel off. So what Bernay Brown is suggesting is more kind of like an 80-20. If you're at a 20% that day and you're dragging, you tell your partner I can't. I'm just not up to it today And they're like, okay, I got it today, I can cover you this. or like maybe I'll make dinner or maybe I'll pick the kids up from school, whatever that looks like. Or today I could do 80% and you can chill. The thing with this is that you need to have open communication about it or it's not gonna work any of it. Your marriage just isn't gonna work without good communication.

And I know she was talking about if we have a rigid balance of tasks if. I do this, you do this, i do this, you do this. That isn't gonna give us empathy or understanding we need. That's where that resentment comes in, because if I'm like well, I did my part, why didn't you not do your part?

today.

That's where it comes in and gets really frustrating.

But a lot of women I don't even know if they go through and talk about this communication that you were just talking about with their husbands right, Like I think, as women too, we just get stuff done and just do it And like we talk about in our Ken Keeping episode, it's just like an invisible workload and we just do and do and do And. but then sometimes we take on so much that we're just so overwhelmed and overburdened. but because we've never had this conversation, like hey, I need help. can you see Like I'm flailing over here, I'm drowning and all this? And if we don't say anything, how are they gonna know If there's no communication happening? And, like you said, nobody's a mind reader, you know.

So yeah, was it yesterday, the day before I sent Randy a meme.

It was.

I don't like Pepe Pig or something.

I don't know who it was.

But like it says, mom is not an overpacker. It's just that the rest of the family is under fucking prepared right, and it's so true, because I just went on a trip and I'm like I had all of this shit in my bag.

Well, i always say like I was a Girl Scout for like forever. So I say Girl Scout motto is like always be prepared. And it's like so I'm always like I have something for everything. But then you know, like this, last time we went on a trip I said you guys are on your own And if you don't have it too bad, and my husband was like where's this? And I'm like I don't know, like Well, so we go on it.

I told you to pack yourself. We go on it. and somebody's like my tummy ache. I'm like oh, would you like a KOPectic? Would you like this? Would you like this?

It's like a Mary Poppins bag right. Like you're pulling out, like all this. I feel like that's like life, like we have like a Mary Poppins bag, like in our marriage, and our life like hold on, like what's that? I've a sign that my family bought me that says if mom can't find it, then nobody can. Well, it's true, but that's the thing though. Is it true? or do we make it true Because we step in and always fix the problem? Okay, so I don't even know what to say on this one.

Cause you know what you're right, mom can't find it that it doesn't exist or it's lost. But I think sometimes it's like they look and they look and they're like, okay, i don't know.

Well, i know she'll but they know that they can fall back on you And that's why Sometimes, when we go into a marriage or a relationship and we have this idea of 50-50 and then it fails us because it's not realistic, and it's like when we talk to about short-term goals and realistic goals. This isn't a realistic thing to have in a marriage. It needs to ebb and flow. Some days you can give 100, some days you can give 10%, some days, and so that's why the idea that a 50-50 marriage should work can be detrimental.

And you know what's interesting is because I've talked before that my husband's a disabled vet And a couple of weeks ago we were trying to get like. I was like, look, i need help figuring out the lawn sprinklers right? Not that I need help, but I need you to participate Because, like I don't know, something is dying.

I don't know where it is. You just need support too, just like stand there and be like yeah, okay or no. let's try this.

I don't know. Well, and it was. I didn't have enough time. Our daughter needed to go to a party that afternoon and then I was like he was doing it And I was like I got this right, like I know what I'm doing, and he was like you don't need me here. And then I thought about it. You know, i was like okay, so one, i didn't want to crush his spirit. And I was like okay, let's look at what we can do. I was like I can go through and crawl around and figure out all this lawn stuff, right, i said, but I can't do that and take our daughter to and from this party.

So I do need you, but I need you in this aspect.

Yeah, i said what can you? he was like I can do the driving. I was like great, because he couldn't reach down and grab down and do all the stuff we needed Because of his disability right. Yeah, and so I was like okay, i will do that, you do the driving, it is the same time right. It really was about the same time component of what it took to do all of that, and so that to me was that is the what she talks about, like the give and take dance kind of thing right, where you know, instead of saying like I'll drive her there, you pick her up, that's 50, 50, right. I'm going to take care of this if you can.

You know and you can do that And see how, when you just say that, like, it makes you feel like, oh, like the way that, the way that you word it, the way that you talk about it, the way you approach it, can all change the dynamic of your relationship and what's happening within it. which is why communication and having compassion and empathy and set up, feeling like you're like in this rigid you know, like rule set that you have to follow and there's no bend, And then you're, like you know, hitting your head against a wall because you're not going anywhere with that, because life isn't like that. you know things change. you know we don't go into our marriage or our relationship thinking like, oh, I'm going to have to care, you know, for my partner or I'm going to have to, you know, go to work. Like maybe you thought you were going to be a stay at home mom and like finances change and you have to go to work. or maybe you know one of you is injured and then you're caring for that person, Maybe you end up having a child with special needs and it throws your whole you know freaking world out the window. Okay, Like, life is not made to be rigid. We have to learn to flex within these, And that's why marriage needs to be. it changes every day.

It does change and it's about communication. And you know, and I found in that moment that I was getting frustrated. And so was he right, because he was like, well, i can't do anything here. And I was like, well, i'm doing everything, and instead of really looking at wait, wait, wait, let's just look at this again, because you know, we talk about time as time. And so it was able to get it done. He was able to do the driving right That is something that he can do And I was able to figure out why our sprinklers weren't working Right.

And this is where the you had like this growth mindset and this was so. You had generosity and you had a willingness to support each other, because he was like okay, i see you won't be able to do this. You're like I see you won't be able to do this, but you can do this and I can do this, so let's. And that's not like I feel like when we say partnership too, i think team is like a better word for that too Like because then you were really compromising and you were a team and you showed up for each other. You know, that day, instead of letting it could have like blown up right.

Like easily. Oh, it could have you know, and that's what he says. Is that Jack Johnson song? we're better together, right, i love him so much. Banana pancake Right. He was like we're better together. We are a team together right, Because we both bring in something.

But you find that with connection, compassion, understanding, empathy, empathy, vulnerability and communication, vulnerability is so hard. It's so hard because you don't sometimes want to and I'm very much I'm like I'll just do it myself, like watch me, or watch me do it, i'm not going to wait for you. And then I get like all pissy and I'm like, okay, i'm not being very like, you know, vulnerable, like that. Maybe I can't do this, you know, or whatever, or But anyway. So when you put up those roadblocks like that, it impedes your relationship or your marriage, because that stuff equals connection and intimacy, right, and then the bedroom, like that, all comes in a full circle for us as women, Well, and man, and we all want to be valued and prioritized, so hard, right, we all want to be important in our relationships, right?

And then for someone to be like, well, i don't even know why you need me, i'm not even here, right. It's like, well, i need you and I want you here, but maybe it's also being it in a way that makes them feel, and truly, that you feel they are a priority.

Right and especially to like depending on what like their love language is, to like if it's acts of service or if it's, you know, words of affirmation or things like that. Like, if you're not communicating that or showing those things, then you're not creating like that environment that your relationship can grow in, and then if you don't feel safe, you're not gonna be able to have open communication, you're not gonna be able to have that vulnerability, You're not gonna be able to say what you need, what you want, or if you're scared, or if you have a fear, or if you, you know, have a desire or things like that. You're not gonna be able to have that in that environment.

She said desire and I just thought, like Kinky said, i'm so sorry, i don't know. I actually thought that too in my head I was like, well, i was thinking, i feel like that desire. I was like she's talking like sad.

I am because, like for us, for I feel like, especially as women too and men, like you said like if you don't feel wanted as a whole, like that's gonna affect your sex life, Especially as you're older and you like don't have time for the bullshit, you know, you're just like sorry, like you gotta check up all the boxes. That's not happening.

Okay, so how can we? I'm gonna pull us back here for a sec. How can we implement, like all of what we just talked about, in our own marriages or long-term partnerships, to where we feel that we are valued and where we have this you know, not 50-50, but this give and take and this ability to communicate?

Well, i think a lot of it comes down to like self-care and self-awareness, like if you're feeling resentment or if you're feeling frustrated or you're feeling confused, kind of be like okay, where is this coming from And what or what is also triggering me?

You're saying talking about your triggers and looking at like your fears or for I'm pointing at myself here, you know, any insecurities you have right. Because sometimes it's our own crap that pops up, Right or situations that might like.

for me, it's like what I ask, you know, i need help with this and I feel like pressure, like a time on it, and he's not like yeah, like right on, and I'm like what the you know? why get your ass up and help me, you know.

And. But you know what Randy is? a lot of us don't actually say do you have the time?

to do this Or.

I'm like do this Right. I would like this. I need this done by this time. So there was no communication.

I'm just mad because I let my own time or my thing get away, or I have my own plan in my head And I haven't even told him about it. And same thing. I'm thinking he should know, he should read my mind, and then that ends up in a spiral And this is the thing we need to slow down. Take a breath, talk to ourselves, check in, figure out like why does this keep? if it keeps happening, like why you?

know. So what you're talking about is having self-awareness and taking responsibility for our own emotional well-being, right? I mean, so many of us expect our partners to make us happy, right?

and that's no, that doesn't happen, that doesn't happen, and that's so funny I don't even know we were listening. Oh, so we just saw the new Spider-Man movie. Oh, i wanna see that So good. I loved it more than the first one, surprisingly. And one of the new top songs for it is called Self-Love And it's about the girl. She's far away from home and he wants to love her but he doesn't love himself yet And he wants all these things from her but he doesn't know himself yet He doesn't and you know they're teenagers in the movie. But that hit me. I'm getting goosebumps right now because I feel like we do that. We put so much thinking. If I just find the one, if I just find my person, if I just do this, if I just get married, if I just go out on one more date, like it's gonna be right. This time And a lot of the times we don't wanna stop and look at ourselves I'm pointing at myself too. We don't wanna pause, we don't wanna think about it like what's the common denominator? yourself And you cannot fully love somebody else until you love yourself And unconditional love. It's very, very, very hard to come by and we think that we're gonna get that and it's not very realistic.

Yeah, i mean we do. We just wanna be loved unconditionally, which also means we have to love ourselves and our partners unconditionally right. And a lot of us have grown up, especially from previous generations.

We're not gonna yell out the generation Intent Right.

A lot of us have learned conditional love Yes, Right, You do this, I love you. If you do this, I love you versus I love you no matter what, And so I've done really good. Well, I think I've done a good job with my youngest saying I love you no matter what right. This isn't a tip or tat. You're doing the dishes because that's a chore.

Right.

Not, because that's how you show you know I love you Right and you're a part of the family, like this is a responsibility.

But not because and I tell my kids that too because I had one parent who was very conditional and I say I might be angry with you right now, i might be disappointed in your choices right now, since I have a teenager, you know this is common, but I love you and I will always show up for you, even if I'm angry, even if I'm mad, even if I don't like you right now, like I will still always love you, no matter what, so that they know that it's okay for them to eff up and they can still talk to me about it, because I'm not gonna shame them. You know, of course they're still probably. You know, they know, oh God, mom's gonna get mad or dad's gonna get mad, but they know in the end still we're gonna be there for the long game. You know we're not going anywhere, we're not gonna be like we're not talking about this or ignoring it or they're gonna be cut off or whatever. Because I've been down that route in my own family. You know where I've been like cut off because it's like you're not doing the right thing And it's like okay, so many families do that Right. So many families. I don't get it, because they just look at my kids and you put so much into being a parent and raising a kid that you're just like I understand when it's harming themselves and but usually, like, if you're doing something that's like that, like you're putting somebody in rehab or you're having like an intervention or something that's coming from a place of love, you know where you have to like cut off the person. But I'm just talking like every day, like you know, mine was just like. I just don't like the way you spend money, like I feel like okay, you know what I mean, like but whatever. Anyways, so you know, when we have all of these restrictions on our relationship, how is it going to thrive?

That's the thing It isn't going to thrive, and just like what you were talking about with your kids, right? Or your parents, is that we put all of these rules and expectations on somebody versus having a conversation.

Right And also too, like you were talking about bringing in trauma and like family history or like the way your parents' marriage was or whatever. Talk about that with your partner, so they know, because sometimes we don't know what our partner has been through or what they saw in their parents' relationship or their parents' boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever that they saw that they think is right. You know, even if it's not healthy, it just might be like what all that they know. And if you don't have an idea of that, how can you deal with it?

Well, or if you're being triggered by what you saw, right Like hey. I'm feeling triggered right now because of this right. Like I love all the recent reels I've been watching about like Gen X and like you know, we didn't have trigger warnings and we didn't have. I mean they're just so they're funny, but like they're so interesting to talk about that right, like I think our younger generation is now learning the trigger warnings and they're learning that there are triggers.

And better communication.

I hope it leads them to a better partnership and a better relationship with who they are and with their future partners. Right, because, you know, remember marriage and partnerships, they're a journey. I mean, i feel like Nike, like whoo, it's a journey Right. But like it takes effort and-.

It's a lot of work. So I mean just don't do it if you're like not into that. But I don't suggest it. It's getting cheap, making me laugh today. I've been married for almost 19 years and it's not been an easy road. Like I don't want you to think you're alone in this and like this yeah, she's been married forever. No, like I mean I've left my husband. Like I've filed for a divorce. Marriage is not easy. Like we have far way back. We have a story that is not very common for that, you know, because of learning and a lot of therapy of how to communicate and how to understand ourselves better, you know.

But I just have to say right, i was out recently with Randy and her family and I loved the looks because I knew what was happening. I love the look her husband was giving her. He's having a conversation with me and he looks over at her and she's having another conversation with somebody else and he kind of gives her this look. And I just started chuckling because I was like I know what that is.

Yeah.

Right, because he's any un We don't need to-.

Yeah, at this point we can have, you know, silent conversations, like with our body language and faces One. It's really funny too, because my daughter had gotten this popular game I think she had seen it, like on TikTok or something. It's called like a wavelength And you have to guess. So, like you have like a subject and you have to guess where it is, like on this board, where the person thinks like their thought process, of where they would put this like high on a scale or low on a scale, and then you guess what their guess is. My husband and I we always win, because we have been together so long that we understand what I wanna stop for a second.

It's not because you've been together for so long.

No.

It's because you have done the work to understand each other Right yeah, There are people who have been together for 50 years who would totally fail the newly wed game. That's true. that's true.

And yeah, and there's another one too called Hue, which is funny because it's a color game And you have to guess what the color is like in a range that the person says, say, like this is a sunset Hawaii. And you have to guess. It's a whole board of colors, there's like 500 colors on it And you put a marker down on it and you put where you think the other person would think the color is. And we also will win that again and again And she gets so mad And it's just because we have that Connection, friendship, and that connection and that communication. I'm glad you said friendship Yes friendship first, because let me tell you, i dated a lot of bad boys and I had a thing for them And I married one too, but Reformed I should just wanna like this money books. I read Reformed Bad Boy. But I have been through a lot of toxic relationships And I came to realize, when I loved him and filed for divorce and everything And we went off and did our own thing for a while, that friendship was what mattered most when it came to it and he was my best friend And did I want that over everything else, like when it came to it, and that was the true basis of our, because we were such good friends, because even when we were apart we supported each other and cared about each other And, without anything romantic in it, and we were able to like rebuild from a friendship because we had always had that good base, And so think about it with friends, we typically have a lot of empathy, a lot of understanding right.

We have a lot of hey, what do you need? I can jump in and we have a lot of that give and take, and so if we can put that into our partnerships and instead of expecting that they're going, to give now, granted, i'm still gonna say time is time, right. You know, and it doesn't need to be exact, but we all need to be participating in the marriage, in the family Right you all need to be taking responsibility for yourself, your own emotional well-being too, like that's super important.

And then, like we said, identifying our triggers, our insecurities. You know, working on our communication, building trust, you know being vulnerable. All these things come together. And, like you said, more importantly, like having empathy, you know, for that other person, because we often think we need, like this fire and gasoline, like relationship, like this hot burning, you know, passion, but that stuff burns out really quick And a lot of people talk about like twin flames, like soulmates and stuff And I've done a lot of research on that too. Like personally, because I've always been like hopeless romantic, but that stuff isn't meant to be long-term. It's a person that usually teaches you something. Yeah, that's true That is someone there About yourself or about the world or whatever, and having being able to understand that you can let go of a relationship like that and maybe go with a guy that you friendzoned because he's gonna be the one that's in it for the long term And, like you know, loves you and cares about you. And sometimes we need to get out of our own way, in our own, you know, head about ideals. And that comes back to this 50-50, when we were carrying around this idea that everything needs to be kind of like split down the middle. Or I'm gonna, you know, keep like a check mark, you know, a list of what I've done and what you've done.

I don't know. I still wanna get Bernay and Zon in, like I would like to see that showdown right. I don't even know if it'd be a showdown, but man, I would love to like get that like together. And hear it because I agree with both of them And it's such an interesting thing to pull it together as to what our marriages need.

So all right. well, oh, i mean try some of these tips, see if they help you.

Oh, you know. another great tip is, if you think that there's a book you wanna read, see if your husband or your spouse, your partner, is also wanting to read or listen to. Oh yeah, because sometimes it's really good that you can both read a chapter and then come back and discuss it. Yeah So like buy two, get two, but you have to have their buy-in. Don't just be like hey, by the way, we're reading this, Yeah, you don't wanna force somebody into somebody.

that's not like comfortable for them. but like I love doing like workbooks and like self-help things. Just I mean I'm a psychotherapist, so like that makes sense. But I'll be like hey, does this interest you Like? would you wanna do this with me? And sometimes I'll be like yeah, and then other times like like nah, but you know, because like what's the point, that you would just be frustrated if you set yourself up for failure. If you're not communicating again, hey, I wanna do this. This is important to me, But you know if finding common ground.

Finding common ground is something that works for you guys. That would be great and a great way to have conversation. So, all right, well, join us next time as we continue to dive into women's mental health. Bye, bye.

Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with us.

Don't forget to check out our free resources and favorites on our website unapologeticallyrandyandgestcom.

Like and share this episode and tune in next week. One, two, three, four. Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with us.

Don't forget to check out our free resources and favorites on our website unapologeticallyrandyandgestcom.

Like and share this episode and tune in next week.