Transforming Negative Emotions: A Journey Toward Self-Healing

Ep. 23 Negative Thought Emotion Cycle

[00:00:00] Randi: 1, 2, 3, 4. Hi friends. It's Randy and Jess, and we're gonna cut 

[00:00:07] Jess: the bullshit and let's get into women's mental 

[00:00:09] Randi: health.

Welcome to the podcast unapologetically All over the place with Randy and Jess, where we talk about women's mental health issues and how it's all normal. In 

[00:00:21] Jess: this episode, we're gonna explore how to change the negative thought or emotion cycle. We are 

[00:00:26] Randi: going to explore how to recognize negative thought patterns and how to make a change that is not filled with toxic positivity.

And 

[00:00:33] Jess: then for sure, stick with us to the end because we're gonna give you a free workbook and walk you through how to use it to help change your negative thought cycles. Yeah, 

[00:00:41] Randi: head to Randy and jess podcast.com and you guys can download the workbook and we're actually gonna work through it with you at the end, and you can.

Out alongside of us. Mm-hmm. . 

[00:00:52] Jess: Absolutely. Okay. So have you ever thought, I will never have anything good happen? 

[00:00:57] Randi: Why can't I seem to be happy? How do 

[00:00:59] Jess: others change 

[00:01:00] Randi: their mindset? Do affirmations 

[00:01:02] Jess: really work? I will never be good enough to fill in the blank here. Yeah. There's a million things 

[00:01:08] Randi: that we can, 

[00:01:09] Jess: right.

Fill in the blank. Yeah. So why do we get stuck in these negative 

[00:01:12] Randi: cycles? The main reason for a negative experience like that in cycling, it is how your brain's attention and memory system works. What you're 

[00:01:24] Jess: saying is that your brain is making you do this? I'm, 

[00:01:27] Randi: yes. . Okay. So, so the negative thoughts are a way that your brain is kind of coping with things.

[00:01:34] Jess: Oh, so it's like protecting you cuz a coping skill, even if it's not a great coping skill. Right. It's still a way to help you get through 

[00:01:42] Randi: something. Yeah, because like our moods kind of set up, um, emotional filters, right? And they let through thoughts and memories and emotions and those coincide with how we're feeling.

[00:01:55] Jess: Okay, so then that means like competing thoughts, like memories, emotions that might be positive aren't able 

[00:02:02] Randi: to get through, right? Because we can kind of, like we said, get stuck in a cycle. We're gonna say that word again. Cycle, cycle, cycle, cycle. But the more your brain does it, the better it gets at it.

And then negative thinking becomes this. Thought pattern in your prefrontal cortex. I'm gonna throw that out there. So the front of your brain and that becomes your kind of perspective. 

[00:02:27] Jess: And that always happens to me. And, and so I always say when I get a flat tire, , that's it. The world is coming to an end.

Mm-hmm. , I have a flat tire. It never happens when it's convenient. Right, right. It always happens when I'm stressed. Well, that's not really true. It just happens to be I ran over a nail or something. Mm-hmm. , but I'm usually really busy or I'm running late for work, 

[00:02:49] Randi: or it always seems like it's the end of the world, but like this is life.

Mm-hmm. , there's always some shit happening. It's always stressful. There's always some drama. There's always a nail in your tire, like, There's always somebody sick, like this is our constant and like instead of focusing like, oh my God, like every time it's the end of the world thinking about it in a different way, which we'll talk about.

But there are four common negative thoughts and emotions that we kind of are triggered by and re and come back to over and over again. So what are those? 

[00:03:21] Jess: The first one would be putting yourself down. Mm-hmm. . I know everybody's done that. Yes. Right. It's that internal thought that, you know, you've made a mistake or you are a bad person, right?

Mm-hmm. , you think you are bad, your behavior is 

[00:03:36] Randi: bad, right? It's not you, it's that something is happening. But like we kind of take that on as like the full like personality trait and that we're at a deficit. I'm not good enough for this job. Like I'm never gonna make the baseball team like I'm unworthy of this promotion, or I'm unworthy of my partner or, you know, I don't deserve this person I'm with, or they don't deserve me.

Or things like that. 

[00:04:02] Jess: People like will scold their children and say, you are bad. No, no, no. Your behavior right now is bad. Right? You are not a bad person, but your behavior is. So some of that is where those, those negative thoughts come from. Mm-hmm. . The next one would be the always or never thinking 

[00:04:19] Randi: black and white.

Mm-hmm. , all or nothing. Having a unbalanced perspective of things in your life or the world as a whole. And so it's kind of like either you're. Always overthinking too, or like somebody that like never really thinks about anything and like doesn't really care at all. There's like two sides of the coin, and that could be like, it's always my fault.

I'm never good enough. I suck at everything. Nobody loves me. Oh 

[00:04:46] Jess: yeah, there's, there's nothing I'm good at. Yeah. 

[00:04:49] Randi: Those kind of things, right? 

[00:04:50] Jess: Yeah. Magnifying small criticisms. 

[00:04:53] Randi: Mm. What does that mean? So you're like over critical or like hyper critical with yourself or, and that can bleed into other people too.

That something that's very small and tiny, but it can also become like so big because if you focus on it like over and over again. I look dumb in this hat. Like, I look dumb in this shirt. Like, I look silly in this. I don't like this freckle on my face. You know? Like over, I forgot. 

[00:05:18] Jess: Got something and I'm so stupid.

I forgot this. Oh, I, I, I'm totally dumb. No, 

[00:05:22] Randi: right. You just forgot something and it's like, no, like, that happens. Like that's normal. Especially when you have mental health issues or especially with like ADHD and things like that. Were forg forgetful. Well, especially as women, we have like so many things on our plate.

Mm-hmm. . So it's like being so critical of yourself, of like just what is like. 

[00:05:40] Jess: Right. And the other one I always like to say is the shoulda, coulda wouldas. Right? I should, I shouldn't. I could. I couldn't. It's judging yourself poorly against, I guess, your own expectations, right? Yeah. Any 

[00:05:50] Randi: unrealistic 

[00:05:51] Jess: expectations.

Right? Unrealistic. I should have gotten into 

[00:05:54] Randi: that school. I could have been a doctor if I had done this, like, you know, things like that. I could, I shouldn't have eaten that cake, right? I'd be in better shape if I didn't, or I wouldn't be as fat as I am, like if I didn't eat this or if I had listened to so-and-so, and it's like, okay, 

[00:06:11] Jess: changing your negative thoughts.

Those can be hard, but it can be done. It's gonna take. We have a workbook for you, so go online. Um, you can listen through this now, download it, re-listen, go over it with us, or you can just, you know, pause us and go download it. In order to break through some of these negative emotions and thoughts. It's gonna take 

[00:06:31] Randi: practice.

Right, and you kind of have to face these negative and mean things you say to yourself and these thought patterns, and that can be very hard. And that's why we kind of wanted to walk through this workbook with you if you kind of need that, you know, as we guide you through it and talk about it because you're not alone in your feelings about that and that it can be hard to face.

[00:06:51] Jess: For the first part, we're gonna do an exercise that we wanna link emotions with physical reactions, which parts of your body are affected. When you start to think about something that's upsetting, I want you to write it down here and we want you to kind of start taking notice of your reactions to either distress.

How you're able to take control, 

[00:07:14] Randi: which part of your bodies are affected. When you think about something upsetting or an event, something in the past or something current or that you're currently experiencing, like think of those physical triggers and write them down here because that will start to help you recognize distress, warning signals, physic.

Signals that happen in your body so that you can learn to be more objective and understand and take control of the situation before it can kind of spiral out of control. So like, say like, I, I had an argument with my sister, like a friend or something. Like, how did that make me feel? Like, was my body tense?

Were my shoulders hunched? Was I gripping my hand? Like those things and like write them down, like, and kind of go through it from the top of your body, like down mm-hmm. to the bottom. Like, think about all those sensations and things like, was your head hurting? You know, were your eyes kind of bunched up, really?

Like our body carries so much tension and stress. It does. And 

[00:08:14] Jess: so what you wanna do is that you. Go through this awareness exercise every day. I know it sounds like a lot. We're not asking you to write a 

[00:08:21] Randi: novel, okay? No, no. Just jot down like those physical symptoms 

[00:08:26] Jess: and you wanna know like, were you feeling this way due to your own actions, or was it because of another person?

If I was to write down a situation with somebody, I at the grocery store, I can't get it outta my head. I wanna write down kind of what is coming up. Was I embarrassed? Was this something I did? Was it something they did? Right? Yeah. And kind of really start to kind of hone in what is coming up on these 

[00:08:50] Randi: negative thoughts.

And if thinking about these things or like walking through my. through them again, is kind of bringing up like a lot of, you know, triggers and reactions to it. It's okay to take like five minutes and like take some deep breaths and like calm yourself down and like talk to yourself like in a positive manner, you know, so that it isn't like bringing everything up and triggering you while you're doing this workbook.

Exactly. Take 

a 

[00:09:13] Jess: minute, you know, I'm, you blow your bubbles, just kind of breathe. The other thing is if you guys go through and you're gonna look and see kind of like there is a negative emotions checklist. We want you to look at what you're feeling and how that is connected to your physical reactions, 

[00:09:32] Randi: right?

And then you can kind of start piecing together. Is there a pattern? Is there an emotion that you're feeling more than others? Like is there a trigger you're seeing like more than others? Is it like when you talk to somebody, is it when you're in a certain environment? You know, and when you kind of jot down these things throughout the week, you can kind of see like, oh, maybe this is a higher stress period for me.

Or maybe it's during a certain time of the day. Maybe it is surrounded about around somebody. Maybe it's when you're in the car, you know, there's like different things and you can kind of start to see those patterns so you're more aware of them. 

[00:10:06] Jess: If you can do this every day, usually I'll tell people in the morning or at the end of the day, is the best, right?

Kind of reflect back either on the day before or reflect back to that day and just go through and say, today I feel, you know, I'm feeling annoyed. What emotion am I experiencing today? I'm, I'm annoyed. Today. 

[00:10:23] Randi: I'm irritable. I have an app that like, tracks like this stuff, like if I take the time to do it, but then I can kind of see the patterns too.

Like if it is mm-hmm. triggered around like physical symptoms like, um, my pm, d d or like my PMs or my period or things like that. Or if I'm ovulating, you know, things like that that we have to take into consideration as women, you know, too. I can be like, okay, I know I'm gonna be like more irritable this week because my hormones are shifting and that's empowerment.

Mm-hmm. , that's power. Having that information. Fingertips. And so it is good to take the time to kind of jot down these things for yourself. 

[00:10:58] Jess: What physical symptoms do you feel? Mm-hmm. , you know, sometimes people will tell me they feel like their te chest is tight or they have butterflies in their stomach, or they're just feeling fatigued.

Mm-hmm. , right? And so we wanna really encourage you to be more mindful. Yeah. About. 

[00:11:15] Randi: Feeling and then you can honor your body and your mind and your emotions and respect them and come to like an understanding of them. And there's so much relief in that once you kind of are able to see those patterns and understand them.

And then it's good to move on to all the positive side of things too. Like what makes you feel good about yourself, like focusing on that stuff. Like what makes you happy, like. Bringing you balance in your life. 

[00:11:43] Jess: Most people have a hard time with that. It is, yeah. And it's not just, I like my hair. No. Right.

This is stuff that, what makes you feel good about 

[00:11:50] Randi: yourself. Yeah. Like my arms are strong today, we talk about this. Mm-hmm. and talking about, um, you know, body neutrality. Yeah. Body neutrality. You guys can give that episode to listen about really digging into. Positive things about you as a whole, not just like your looks, not based on beauty, but like what you emotionally and physically can do for yourself.

[00:12:13] Jess: And it could be, I am a good friend. Mm-hmm. , I'm a good neighbor. I reached out to my neighbor and you know, I, I asked how she was doing. Right. Right. I'm a good neighbor. That's a positive trait. Right. And so we wanna make sure that you are also. . Not just focusing on the negative emotions, but also giving yourself credit for the good things, the positive things that you have.

[00:12:33] Randi: Mm-hmm. . And focusing too on taking time for yourself. Finding that little pocket of peace too, you know, like taking a deep breath. If you can get out in nature and take a little walk and reset, you know, your, um, mind frame or if you just wanna like, imagine you know, yourself in a situation like that, mindfulness techniques like this can really help.

[00:12:57] Jess: Right. You know, one of the things we, we have is like, you know, places you felt happy as a child. Mm-hmm. or describe your favorite retreat in a goal in. 

[00:13:05] Randi: And so I call those like safe places. Mm-hmm. that you can go to. Yeah. When you are stressed or you are having a hard times and it's good to like write these out and have them so you know, you can go to these safe places.

Mm-hmm. when you are feeling kind of out of control. A big one for 

[00:13:22] Jess: me is like colors or scents that you like, right? Mm-hmm. . Yeah. I love the smell. I mean of the cinnamon pine cones that you get at the stores this 

[00:13:32] Randi: time of year. That's so funny. I just got some the other day because like my husband was like, oh my God, I want that smell, blah, blah, blah.

And he was like, I need to find some of those. And I like, they were like out like the next week and I was like, here you go. For 

[00:13:45] Jess: me, what that reminds me of is coming home late one night from college, driving home, dropping off all my laundry in the room. Cause I had just driven like six, seven hours, right?

Yeah. I dropped my laundry in the hallway and I crashed. Yeah. Right. And the house smelled like those cinnamon pine cones. My 

[00:14:02] Randi: mom's house. So it brings you back to that moment of time of like happiness, relief. Those things like sense are very powerful like that. And so is color like there's a whole thing about like the psychology.

Yeah. Say psychology. Yep. It can really impact you, like, um, the colors that surround you, we don't realize that. And it can also give off vibes to other people as well. So it's like finding those things that like make you feel like calm or happy and can help center you like that can be as simple as that.

[00:14:33] Jess: And it's good to write these down because when you're struggling mm-hmm. , it's good to have a place to go. Oh, that's right. Lavender makes me feel relaxed. Yeah. I should probably pull out some of my lavender oil. 

[00:14:41] Randi: Yeah. Because when you are struggling, like you said that, or you're like kind of locked in a pattern, it can be hard to be like, wait, what?

What do I need? What tool do I need to reach for? And so that's why I do like having like a little thing like jot down. So I can be like, I'm really struggling. Oh wait, I wrote that stuff down. Mm-hmm. , let me go see like, I don't wanna do this. Yes. Oh yeah. Remember this work really well for me. Let's try that.

Exactly. 

[00:15:05] Jess: There's a power in starting to be like, like the visualization. Oh, I can't say that. Visualization 

[00:15:11] Randi: visualize. Oh, now I, now you're sending me off into not being able to talk for emotional wellness. Right. And that's, Say like, it's very, um, powerful and like a lot of athletes and stuff do this. They visualize their goals, like they visualize themselves like winning this tournament or winning this event because there's power in, um, believing things and um mm-hmm.

picturing them and moving through the motions before you do them. And that comes into play and dealing with your emotions. , 

[00:15:38] Jess: every time I smell it, when I walk into the store, it has this really nice calming thing, right? Mm-hmm. , like it tricks me even if I'm running late to go, huh. Okay. That's 

[00:15:49] Randi: great. Right.

And even just like you said, like picturing that fully, like you, you talked about it like driving home from school, like setting your laundry down, like picturing like maybe who was in your house, like what did your room look like, like that scent, you know, like your mom was there and. Things and like bringing that full picture into play can be like so centering when you're feeling out of control.

Well, and 

[00:16:14] Jess: let's be real, when I woke up, my dad had already done and folded all my laundry. Right. I did nothing but bring 

[00:16:20] Randi: home dirty, dirty laundry. So there, I mean, that's probably what the key was. Right? Right. 

[00:16:24] Jess: That's what it is, is I was taken care of. Right. And that was just 

[00:16:27] Randi: that, that was that whole feeling compass and that mm-hmm.

right? And so, but you can revisit that and feel that when you are feeling like my needs are being met, or I'm not being taken care of, or I'm missing, you know, that feeling. And it's like you can revisit that and kind of give yourself a little bit of pep, you know, back and what you're feeling like you're missing so that you can kind of like recenter yourself and move forward with what is triggering you at the moment.

One of the 

[00:16:51] Jess: things that I also like to teach my clients is that, you know, if we focus on so much of the negative, I'm sure there's a crack in this wall here somewhere or mm-hmm. , there's a nail hole. Right. But if we really are looking for it, we're going to find it. Yeah. Flip the 

[00:17:06] Randi: script. Mm-hmm. . Yeah. You will find it if you're looking for it.

Mm-hmm. so. Flip it and look for the positive. Then that tiny pinhole in all of, if all you can see right now is negative surrounding you, try to see if you can like push that out of the way and look for that tiny little spark of maybe something that you can hold onto and focus on that. And the more you focus on that, the deeper you focus on that, the negative stuff is gonna start to kind of like fall away.

So writing this stuff down and visualizing. Stuff can have a major impact on how you are feeling. We're not 

[00:17:43] Jess: saying being toxic. We're not saying flipping say everything's great. No. When it's not. But if we keep looking for negative, we're going to find negative. Right. Right. And I do believe in the power of affirmations.

I wanna acknowledge where we are right now, where things are, but I also wanna be able to say, you know, I can look forward to 

[00:18:01] Randi: these things. Yeah. I'm worthy of this. Mm-hmm. like, I'm enough. Or like even just saying like, you know, be kinder to yourself, Randy. Sometimes I have to have mm-hmm. like a heart to heart with myself.

Too, like when I am, you know, feeling out of control or feeling like I'm not worth something, like remembering like I am and like these people love me and I, I am worth this. And, you know, and then that can kind of be like, okay, now I can handle the situation a little bit better. 

[00:18:30] Jess: Right. And we really want you just to learn to be able to get out of that negative cycle.

No, we're not saying that, you know, if it's really shitty that you need to do something different, cuz it could just be a really shitty moment. Right. But we all know we've been there. We know people who are there. Just to get out of that negativity, 

[00:18:49] Randi: you know? Right. This, this is just for like a moment, you know, like it's, it's just another thing.

I'm gonna say toolbox again. I'm toolbox, I'm, I'm the toolbox train. Toolbox train. It's just a thing that you can put in your pocket and pull out when you need it, if you need it. It doesn't have to be life changing. Life altering. It's just something that you can like fall back on when you need like a little bit of help.

[00:19:10] Jess: And I really wanna encourage you to do it for. A month. Mm-hmm. really, I mean, what is it, 21 days to make a habit? Yeah. That's what they say. Yeah. Right. But like, do it for a month so you can really look like what Randy's talking about is kinda what was happening, what was going on. When you were feeling like this, what were you aware of?

Yeah. We're 

[00:19:29] Randi: so busy that we just like push aside like these triggers and warnings and how we're feeling like emotionally and physically like a lot of the time and we become almost like numb to it. So I think it's a. Time to take the chance to do this and understand yourself on a little bit of a deeper level.

Go 

[00:19:46] Jess: to our website. You can download this, you can fill this out. Email us if you guys have any questions on, on what it is, and yeah, and any, anything, any thoughts you have 

[00:19:57] Randi: on this. Yeah, if you guys have more questions, reach out. We love hearing from you and we hope that this is, uh, you know, something that you.

That you can utilize on your, um, journey to mental health, and we're so glad that you tuned in to chat with us this week. All right, catch you 

[00:20:12] Jess: guys later. Bye. 

[00:20:15] Randi: Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with 

[00:20:17] Jess: us. Don't forget to check out our free resources and favorites on our website, unapologetically, randy and jess.com, 

[00:20:25] Randi: like and share this episode and tune in next week.