Unburdening the Weight: Women Overcoming Caregiver Depression

[00:00:00] Randi: 1, 2, 3, 4, hi friends. It's Randy and Jess. And we're gonna cut the 

[00:00:05] Jess: bullshit and let's get into women's mental health.

Today. We're talking about why self-care, isn't selfish in the importance of being deliberate as fuck in your self care. In this episode of unapologetically all over the place with Randy. Where we talk about women's mental health issues and how it's all normal. We're gonna dive into the hot topic of self care.

We're gonna explore what self-care is, why it is important and why it can be so empowering. We'll also go over. Why we as women need to be deliberate as fuck when it comes to nurturing ourselves as well as different ideas for self care, even free idea. And how to create a routine without feeling guilty.

I hate guilty. Oh, what is with all the women's guilt and shame? Shame. Oh my gosh. Shame, shame. So have you ever thought I am so burnt out at home and work? I wish I had a self-care Sunday. What the hell? This is self couch Sunday. Okay. It's like a new trending thing. Self care Sunday. We'll talk about that.

Uh, what the heck is a self care shower? Ooh, is that when you have a special shower head, I just wondering, you know, cuz you know, I'm not just, just wondering. No, no. I mean that could be included in it, it it's up to you what you wanna do for a self-care shower, right? Why is self-care so expensive? I wish there were things I could do that were cheaper.

Yeah. And we'll talk about that. So what is self-care plain and simple? Self-care is something that refuels us instead of taking from us. I have a cup and I don't put anything in. I can't pour from it. Right? So selfcare is pouring back into ourselves. Selfcare doesn't need to be all one way. It doesn't need to be like massages bubble bass.

Like if you hate, hate pause, if you hate getting a massage or you hate sitting in a bubble bath, that's not gonna be self-care for you. That's not what self-care looks like for you. You need to find what works for you and what replenishes you. I tell mamas all the time, if you don't take care of your. You can't take care of anybody else mm-hmm and the same goes true for everybody.

Right? If you don't take care of yourself and give yourself what you need, you can't be there or do anything for anybody else. Right. And that's your spouse, your partner, your friends, your kids, your coworkers, your employees. Yeah. Like anything. Yeah. If you have schoolwork, like how are you going? If you have nothing like refueling yourself, how are you gonna give to anything that you need to do?

Randy? What is your self care? So for me, it is, since I work from home, mostly is taking time to get out of the house. And so that is usually like for me, is getting like a massage or like getting my hair blown out or getting my nails done, or even just taking myself to go get a cup of coffee or go read a book in quiet.

Okay. I agree. What about you? I love a massage. I got one yesterday. Mm-hmm and I feel like I have been beat up and it's such a great feeling, right? I'm like, oh, I'm so you're like down so deep in there for me also sometimes self-care. Taking a breath mm-hmm just sitting there and going, I'm gonna go blow bubbles.

I should have brought some today. I love blowing bubbles because you can't blow bubbles. If you're not taking a breath, if you take a deep breath, you can blow lots of bubbles. And that right there is what we don't do enough of mm-hmm . So for me, sometimes taking self-care looks like just going and blowing bubbles in my office.

Yes, I do it in my office. I even put like essential oils in my. Well, oh, that's fancy. Right? I got lavender bubbles. Oh my gosh. I know you bougie girl. Yeah. And it was just too, like when you would just ask me like, Hey, do you want to go for a walk? I mean, that was just something like getting out of the house, changing the scenery for myself, getting outside of my office, grounding myself, you know, outside in nature and just.

Taking a minute for myself just to walk, even if it was only just like 15 minutes. That was something that was great for my selfcare too stretching. Oh my gosh. Stretching is one that we don't do either. Is it selfish to take care of yourself? Well, we have been taught that it is selfish to take care of ourself and that it's something that's only for like the elite and those with money and Bo.

Yeah, like you need to be Boje, like we said, like go to day spa instead of day spa and spend thousands of dollars go by yourself. Like a new, like Louiston purse. Like no, don't do that. You know, because sometimes those things can hurt us, like in the long run, if it's not something like we can afford, you know?

Right. It, so like, you have to think about that too. Like, how is this going to replenish me and how is this gonna be good for me? And like, what are like the long term effects on it? Because there's difference in self care. And then like, just like, I. Gratification. I think we need to rethink what self-care is.

I see it all over the internet, right? Mm-hmm um, self-care it's like a word, like a buzzword. Yeah, it is right. Self-care self care self-care but we're not teaching what it is and it really it's self-care is nurturing ourselves and whatever that needs mm-hmm and that could be coffee. Friend. It can be your walk, right?

It could be sleeping in for 20 minutes. Right. It's be like, it could be like taking a nap. It can be anything that cares for your body, your soul, your mind things too, like practicing like mindfulness and like guided meditation. And so. Stuff that we talked about, like being present, like with yourself and stuff too, can really like fill up your cup as well.

Meditation. We have this idea that meditation we're gonna sit there and go, oh yeah. But really most of us. Especially those with ADHD. Mm-hmm we tend to close our brain and then everything just floodgates. Right. Right. And so guided meditation is the coolest thing because somebody else is guiding you literally through your meditation.

I used to do one with my daughter. It's an audible and it would go through and we would practice it at night. It was to help her get to sleep. We did it every night. And like, by like, I don't know, 10 minutes in, I was knocked out with her. Mm-hmm because it's so interesting. Yeah. How we don't pay attention to like how the hair on our head feels.

And I was like, I don't know. Right. How does the head on my hair feel? And I had to teach myself that too. I did the same thing. I had to do a guided meditation to shut my brain down and my husband would always tease me about it. Like, oh my God, like, why are you listening to like this guy? Like, it's so annoying.

And I was like, I need to, I need him to tell me to relax my body. And I'm. Following it, you know, down from the top of my head, down to the toes of my feet, because I do hold so much in my body. And for me, that's really, really great self-care and they do say like, the more you do it, mm-hmm and the more you practice it, then it becomes easier and easier.

And same thing with my son. We do, um, an audible or a Moy kids story, um, at night. And we'll link those resources up for you guys too. It helps him. Unwind and sleep. He has to have a story he has to have. Yep. Yeah. He has to be able to follow it. He's seven, you know, and even that like helps him too. So I've learned like those things that help me also help him wind down release, calm down, and same thing.

Like your daughter. I listen to rain on a window. That is my, my noise that I listen to the white noise and that knocks me out. Right. My husband listens to Dr. Who books cuz he's a doctor. He's a huge Hoan right. Mm-hmm so he listens to some, a book. That's how he falls asleep. Right. My daughter listens to, I think she's on Percy Jackson.

She just listens to the book and she listens to one. She's heard a lot because then her brain can go, okay, this is time to shut down. We had a power outage a couple weeks ago and like, oh gosh, seriously, nobody could sleep. I need to read, you know, to like 30 minutes to like an hour or two. That helps my mind shut off when I can be like immersed in a storyline that is not inside of my head.

Why as women do we need to nurture ourselves with self care? Part of it is to really be in tune with who we are and what our needs are. Mm-hmm we give, give, give, give so much to everybody else. That we have to be able to make sure that we're giving to ourselves again, when I practice self care, I'm a way better person.

I'm a way better mom, way better wife. I'm not snippy. I'm not snappy. I'm relaxed, you know, and I think too, like it's important to schedule that. Too. Yes. Like if you do have like a busy schedule or if you are like very easily swayed and like changing, you know, like what you need and be like, oh, I'll do that later.

Like, no, like schedule it, put it on the calendar, be like, this is my me time. This is my self-care time, whatever that looks like for you. And like do it. And that can come in so many different forms physically. Like we talked about like walking, like drinking water, staying hydrated, like stretching. It could be social.

I'm like. Extroverted introvert. Mm-hmm so it's like, I need both, like, I need a lot of quiet time. I need some social time and it's like, I have to realize like, okay, like, why am I feeling I'm missing out on something? Like maybe it's time for me to like, schedule some time, like with my friends, I need that to like, fill up my cup right now.

Right. And I'm gonna scroll for two seconds. The idea of being an introvert or an extrovert, our society teaches that it's either one or the other. Right, right. It's black or white. It's not. It's. I am probably a more of an introverted extrovert. Mm-hmm where I can go go, but then I definitely need to withdraw mm-hmm so I can recharge.

Yeah. Like I always, always thought that I was a, just an introvert. And then I was like, no, because I do benefit from being an extrovert. And I learned that that filled my cup in a different way, but same thing, I needed a balance and that's the thing. Stop letting. Society or media or whoever it is, your mother, your friend, or whatever, puts you into a box.

You can be all the things that you wanna be, your self-care can look one way or another and different from your friends and different from your partners and different from anybody, you know else or what you see Pinterest or Instagram, it can be anything. Is going to fill you back up. So another way is mental.

I like to learn that for me is really good. Cuz if I'm doing the same thing over and over, I feel like a hamster mm-hmm and I'm like, no, no, no, my brain needs to do something else. Oh, I'm gonna go back and get another degree. And I was like, okay, I don't need another degree. Like this is because I need that.

Cuz that's something that. Fills me up. I, I have a love of like learning and stuff. I was like, no, I can learn like different things. Like I can learn different hobbies. Like I can, you know, express myself differently in those ways. And too, like spiritually, like whatever that means for you and stuff too.

Like you can. That can be downtime for you for me. Like I like to do Bible studies. Mm-hmm because I'm not a huge fan of organized religion, cuz it's very manmade, but I still want that peace and time with, you know, my God. And so it's like, so I take the time to read and write things and think about those things.

And that's fulfilling, you know, for. Some other people like could be, you know, meditation or that can be like going to church or that can be putting it out to the universe. Right. Mean really? Yeah. That can be getting grounded in nature. Like that can be very spiritual. What about emotional? Oh yeah. That's huge.

I feel like, um, a lot of the times we don't listen to our emotions or we downplay our emotions. Or we're not having, like our emotions met that can kind of go back to, to like, when we talked about boundaries, like pairing that hand in hand, like, what do you need? How can you achieve that? Um, how can you fill up that cup?

Is it like being more clear and concise and like what you need, do you need, you know, to find a certain, like, Set that is gonna fill your cup and support you in a certain way. Same thing. Do you need like a partner or a therapist? Yeah. Or a therapist? Cuz like sometimes we can't get those from friends.

Sometimes we can't get that need met by family. Sometimes we can't get that need met by a spouse or a partner. So have a safe space of somebody that you can go to and talk to and, and let your emotions out. And sometimes we. Need to put it out there and, you know, get feedback or even just have somebody just fucking listen to us.

Right? Yeah. Well, and that goes with professionally as well. Is that sometimes having a mentor, going to a convention, so a you going professionally, you're learning you're you're doing other things. well, I did that too for my self care. This year, I was really, really burnt out. I had done a lot of pro bono work and I had worked with a lot of people in the health field, um, during the pandemic.

And I needed to take a break from taking on new clients like this last year, because I was like, I cannot. A hundred percent give to my clients fully. Like in this state, I took a step back from taking on new clients this last year for my self care. And that helped fill me professionally and emotionally and mentally, you know, as.

Clicking off, like all the boxes. I could be like a better therapist when I decided to immerse myself back fully and take on new clients. Yeah. I always warn my client. Who's whoever is my very first client after I have like a vacation Uhhuh. There's a couple that are like, no, no, I'm not gonna be your first one.

After a vacation, you have way too much energy and you are just. No, no, no, no. I took a day off every week. Mm-hmm I didn't do a vacation. Right. So what I did, I stopped taking clients. I went down to three days a week, 20 hours a week, and it was just nice to have a four day weekend every week, this month.

Yeah. And that, again, that self-care goes hand in hand with boundaries, like you were like, this is what I need. Yep. This is what I'm gonna implement. This is what I'm letting you know, everybody know like it's happening. Same thing, like taking a step back from my private practice and stuff. Like I let my clients know, like, I'm not gonna be like as readily available.

Like, I feel you're like in a good place, you know, like mm-hmm, to move on from like therapy. Like we're, we're gonna get you, you know, there where you need to be like, so you guys know like this is happening. Like I let them know, like, these are the steps, like we're gonna take. I won't be like seeing as clients as regularly as this.

I wasn't just like, Hey pizza. Some people are like, oh, my therapist ghosted me. And I'm like, what? Like, that's nonprofessional. It's always good to like, have that talk. I think too, like with your therapist too, if you're not feeling it or you're feeling like you are not communicating well with them, like kind of like, what are yours.

Dance on these things and have that conversation. And if that is self care for you too, that is taking care of yourself. So that's self care taking care of yourself. Like if that therapist is, or that doctor or whoever, like you're seeing a nutritionist, whatever it may be. Yes. If you are not feeling like that person that you are paying to help you and see you through things is not working well for you, like have that conversation or seek out somebody else I have.

So. People contact me on social media, like knowing I'm a psychotherapist and saying like, my therapist is saying this, or my psychiatrist is saying this and like, they're not hearing me, like, they're not seeing me, like, they're, I'm saying this stuff over and over and over again. And it's like, okay, if you cannot communicate effectively with the professional you're working.

Find somebody else. And I know that that's really hard because sometimes there's like limited resources where people live and they can't get the easiest access to care, but, you know, that's why things kind of like head space and talk space, talk, talk space. That all it'll be online. I'll, we'll, we'll link those like, so you can have access to somebody like at any time.

And again, that free resource, the number 9 88 too. Like if you're having any type of like crisis, you can call and get like some resources immediately that can at least help point you in the right direction. Why is self-care so important? Oh, first I wanna go through and say, it is not selfish. No, it's not selfish.

And we, again, we are taught that it's selfish and it's, it's fucking not selfish. Like we deserve time to, we deserve to take care of ourselves. We deserve to be ourselves. Like we take on so many roles as women. We are, you know, mothers, we're friends, we're daughters, we're sisters, we're wives. We're, you know, students we're bosses we're this, but like, when can we just be me?

When can. Be Randy, when can you just be like, just, that is like why it's not selfish because you can really like lose yourself and lose your identity and all the hustle and bustle. So I think it's important to take that time to just refocus and be with yourself. And sometimes we're afraid to be with ourselves too.

And I really wanna say that self-care is a process. It isn't a one and done, right, right. This is a process. Yeah. It's like every day, like I'm gonna put up a self-care bingo, right? Like, are you doing these every day? Sometimes mm-hmm , you know, I hear people going, oh, I took a shower today without the kids in the bathroom.

Okay. If, if that's your self-care, that's great. I get sometimes it's hard. Yeah. But those are essential need. What is essential and what is an extra thing that you can do to like refuel your mind, your body, your soul, you know, above and beyond. Everyday self care, right? Like for an example, taking a shower with, you know, my favorite of those little eucalyptus, like bombs that you stick in the shower bombs.

Yeah. Right. Maybe shaving my legs and maybe like actually washing my hair and exfoliating and then getting out of the shower, you know, maybe actually putting lotion on all of me. Mm-hmm that to me would be more self-care than I took a quick shower without the kid in the bathroom. Right. So like, I think like when we were talking about like the self-care shower and stuff, like, I.

That is kind of like what, um, social media, media. There's there's no shower head. I mean, there can't, you can put whatever shower, head you. I got one of those ones that comes off. Oh yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, but like, for me, like I like getting like fresh eucalyptus and I tie it in the shower and stuff. I, that, that smells good.

Yeah. That would be like, like you said, like the, or, or I like taking a bath and like, I like getting like a bath bomb from like lush or whatever, and it's. For me, those little extra things is going like a little bit that make it like a little bit more special, a little bit more enjoyable, something that I can like look forward to.

Yes. Also. So it's like, oh, you know, I'm gonna set up, you know, like my self care Sunday and I'm gonna do a shower and I'm gonna put on my favorite music and I'm gonna. You know, tie some eucalyptus in there and I'm gonna put my shower steamer in there. Like I got a Billy razor or whatever, you know, it's like a fun color and yes, those are taking care of myself every day, but I'm like bumping it up like a little bit.

That's gonna get me excited about it. Sounds like you're dating yourself. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you're going on a date with yourself. That is an amazing analogy. Yes. Cause you're like shaving your legs. Like you're gonna get lucky. I mean, you're doing all that. Yeah. And my husband. Thinking like, yeah, I'm gonna get lucky.

You're no, no, it's all about me now. No, I'm, I'm gonna get lucky right now. with my shower head. No, just kidding. Um, I don't think she's no, no, no. Uh, actually, no, the showerheads don't do it for me, but there are a lot of waterproof toys. Nice. We'll put some of those we'll stay with some of Randy's favorite waterproof toys.

I'm always coming through with the, you know, side notes of like the extra spicy things you probably don't need. I have to tell you guys, she pulls out this thing and I was like, did she just bring her vibrator to the office? That would be a giant vibrator. It was huge. Yeah. It was huge. Huge. It's actually her, you know, what is that an iPod?

What is that thing? It's actually like a camera stand. A camera stand. Yeah. For like the, our phone and our video is and collapse. To look like a personal massager. So I, one giant personal massager, but yeah, so it's like self care is a process you can learn too. Like you can try new things and be like, oh, I did not like that at all.

Right. You know? And like, that's okay too. Like, I don't like that. I'm not gonna do that again. So like, let's try something. Okay. So yesterday I got my nails done and I had a massage. I did not give myself enough time. And it was almost stressful trying to make it from point a to point B. Yeah. Because I tried to cram way too much self-care into one afternoon.

Right. And I'm not sure why I was like, it's a good idea. Yeah. But I did. And I was like, oh my gosh, I was rushing to the next thing. Stressed out. Yeah. And a little stressful. Right? So it's like, that's the thing where you have to find the balance. Mm-hmm like, is this the best thing for me? Like right now, do I have the means for this?

If it's something that's gonna cost you money, like, do I have the time for this? And that's why it's important to schedule a time and make sure you're giving yourself like enough time, if it's something so that you're not creating like this cycle of kind of stress. When we had talked about like, um, toxic positivity and stuff like that, mm-hmm, like, you don't wanna end up in like a toxic self care spiral where you're like, well, I need to pay for this and I need to do this and I need to rush here and I need to make an appointment here.

And it's like, no, that's not what self-care is about. Like, I just felt stressed out. I, I was like, oh my gosh, having, I just. Saying that yes. You know, like, is it gonna bring you enjoyment? Is it gonna bring you like a sense of peace and things like that? Or is it going to help you survive like difficult emotions and situations?

Mm-hmm , mm-hmm sometimes, you know, we've talked a couple of times already about how we have a lot of difficult things that we deal with and sometimes stress. I mean, selfcare is really. Kind of, I mean, hanging out in your closet and stretching. Yeah. Right. What is it, where do you get to lay and breathe?

Yeah, that's true too, because like, I, since I have an office at home, like I can tend to like, be like working like 24 7, because I'm like, I'll just go into my office. Like, I'll just. Do this, I'll just do this. And then I'm like not giving myself like the space to like step away from that. So it's like, I've been practicing self care by I'm.

Like, instead of the first thing I do every morning is I'm stepping into my office and start working is like, I'm gonna go outside and I'm going to water all my plants and I'm gonna cut some flowers and I'm gonna pull some weeds and stuff. So I am like setting the tone for my day to not just be like stress as.

Like work, work, work, like I'm like taking a moment to breathe. Mm-hmm , I'm taking a moment to do something that helps ground me. And that brings enjoyment to me. And then like my son, you know, our daughter usually come out with me, like in the garden and then I'm like getting like a little bit of time with them too nice.

And then I feel like more centered to move forward in my day. And it's like, I did that the other day and I was being like, oh my God, I'm cutting into my work time. And then I was like, no, I'm. Like I found that I was so much more productive that day that I had taken those 15 minutes to enjoy that time with myself and something that I love doing, which I feel like turning into my dad, like gardening was like, I never thought I would enjoy gardening, but right.

I'm turning into an old lady. There is something very nice about seeing what grows and what happens our first year we had a garden was 20, 20, right? Mm-hmm we did it with everybody else in the world. We had a garden. Yeah. I had the dirtiest garden. I don't know what it was. It was my first year. Like I was growing stuff that looked like.

Butts and penises and boob and like my God, everything that came out of it, a vagina. I mean, like, I, my friends are like, what are you putting in that garden? I was like, I have no idea, but a little bit of sex dust. I got some stuff going. Yeah. So what you're talking about is it's making you a better worker.

It's making you a better caregiver, a better mom. It's making you better with all of this stuff. Right. So made me a better boss. Making my overall quality of life better. Mm-hmm and I feel like that why self care is so important and then thus, that can boost things like your self-confidence and your self-esteem, which we all, as women, like get hit very hard with self-confidence can be knocked off.

You know, the base like very easily with like social media or like an offhand comment from somebody. Oh, trolls. Yeah. So it's like important to keep practicing self care so that you have that center core balance of who you are and you are. Filled and so that when things like that hit you out of nowhere in life, you don't get knocked so far off base that you can't like recoup.

It's also boosting your immunity, your, how you feel. Mm-hmm . I mean, recently I'm just gonna call Randy out here that she was burning, burning, burning. Oh yeah. Went on a trip burning, burning, burning. Yeah. And then she got pretty sick because yeah. Got very sick. Yeah. She got burnt out and, and part of this is, I don't know, would she had gotten so sick if she wasn't so burnt out?

No, probably not. Uh, probably would've recouped faster, but because I wasn't sleeping well and I wasn't taking time. Like, and that was. All the doctors kept saying like, you need to rest. And like, my husband was laughing. He was like, she doesn't know how to rest. Right. Have you seen her? Have you met her?

Yeah, she, yeah. And so I was like, you're right. And I had to, I was forced to spend a week in bed and of course you're gonna laugh at me cuz I pulled my computer up next to the bed, tried to work. Oh, I, I was getting, she was like doing I'm. Still productive. And I was like, I still, I don't really remember much of that week, but so who knows what I was doing, but I was forced to rest.

And I feel like sometimes the world, God karma, whatever, like puts you in a place where you have. Too. You have to give yourself the care because you are just so far gone. And like you said, like it affected my immunity. Yeah. It affected my overall health. Like I couldn't fight off things like as fast as I probably would have if I had been taking my vitamins hydrating.

Oh my gosh. Hydrating. Especially as weight loss surgery patients, we have to hydrate. Yeah. And I'm really, really bad at hydrating. I get dehydrated like very easily. How. , you know, a doctor come in and gimme an IV drip and all that. And it's like, okay, if I would just drink a glass of water. So it's like those little things to what self-care does, is it empowers you and puts you in control of your life?

Right. When, like, what Randy's describing is that she was not in control. Right. Because she wasn't putting in he self care. Yeah. So I was like, Forced into a situation that I couldn't control even more because of that. And she was like, no, I can still do it in Regno right. No. Yeah. She was like, girl, you put your computer away.

well, and part of it also, it gives you a perspective on what really is. Important to you. Mm-hmm right? Yeah. Like what part of self care is important to you? What part of your life is important to you? Right? What is it? You get a lot of gratification and cation. Oh my God. Gratification. That's a new word.

It's a new word. New buzz word, new word. Um, but yeah, and it. So funny because like the other day, like I was like, oh my God, like I had so much energy. Like my day went so much better. Mm-hmm I was so less stressed. And I was like, what was it? Like I was trying to like, go back and think, oh, I had slept more than five hours.

Sleep, right? Yeah. Like sleep, like I slept well. And then I started my day doing something that I enjoyed and then I started work and it was like, and then I set the boundary too. Like I'm going to leave work at this time and I'm gonna spend time with my family. And like, those things are gonna fill me up and thus.

Make me more productive and more happier and more centered, more happier. Well, I don't know if I can say satisfication, we're gonna go. You can say more happier. Yeah. Self care puts you back in control. It helps you physically, mentally, emotionally. It's all of it. It gives you perspective. Yeah. You know, on things, you know, when I was sitting in bed, like so sick for like a week, like, okay, well, what really matters?

The most, you know, and like, what am I missing out on? Like spending time with my kids and stuff like over like working like an extra hour? Like, is that worth it? Like, no, like, is that gonna make me more in the end? Like, no, that's not helping me like taking that, you know, 15 or 20, you know, minutes in the morning and spending some time focused on, you know, what matters most like that is gonna have an overall theme and impact on my life.

What you're describing is what our society does. How are you? I'm busy. How are. I'm busy too. Yeah. Woo. Or just, how are you? Good. What's new with you? Like nothing, you know, like, I don't know. We just downplay like everything. Everything's fine. And nothing's wrong. And we don't talk about stuff, but I wanna go back to what you were saying.

If you like, like rewind. Yeah. Is that you were saying you're busy. Mm-hmm right. And I, I think as a society, we are busy. We're used to longer commutes. We commute to different places and we just tell people, hustle. Hustle hard. Oh, hustle, hard side hustle, side hustle. Like do more, take on more, keep taking on more like keep, no, you're just, you're taking and taking and taking and taking and you're not filling back up.

Right. And that is going to burn us out. Right. Burn us out physically and mentally, emotionally. Right. I use the word bandwidth. I just don't have the bandwidth. Do all of this mm-hmm and being busy is not something we should be rewarded for. No, we have a very busy, busy culture and that's like hyped up a lot.

Is that being busy is a sign is a trauma response. Trauma. We stay busy and I own that too. Like, I have had a lot of loss. Like my, um, my mom died when I was 30. Um, my mother-in-law died when I was 35. Um, I lost both of my, you. Grandparents, my grandmothers that I was close to, like back to back anyways. So I had created a cycle of being busy mm-hmm so that I could ignore, avoid, avoid.

Yeah. Like the trauma of like my grief and stuff. And so I thought if I was just. Busy enough, it would drown out and it doesn't mm-hmm it doesn't go away. I specialize in grief and stuff in that I deep dived into becoming a grief specialist. You got busy. Sorry. Yeah, I did. I did, because I was like, let's take on a whole new career.

Like, let's go, let's do it. Yeah, let's go back to school. So we used those avoidance techniques because we don't wanna sit with ourselves and that's why self-care too can be so important and so hard at the same time. We have to almost sit with ourselves and get to know ourselves yes. And pause and take that deep breath and be present.

And sometimes it's hard to do that when we have like a lot of trauma or things like trigger us. Well, and I don't know. I mean, I sent you a text message the other day. I'm like shower thought. Oh yeah. I have the best thoughts in the shower. And the reason we have all these amazing shower thoughts, Uhhuh is because it's something that we typically do every.

It is something that is very like non-thinking right. Yeah. Like it's a non-thinking thing for our brain. I always have the best ideas too. Like in the shower. Yeah. In the shower, like I would have like full like novel ideas. And then I was like, wait, where did that sock go? Like, well, we probably need to put like a journal up in our shower.

We can write shower one, those wet, like, yeah. I think I've seen, 'em like, like a dry erase that doesn't, I'm IM gonna find that I'm gonna find that and post it right. I had a great idea for showers. So I jumped outta the shower dried off and I sent her a text because I was like, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, we should do it.

We should do this. Or we have to do that. That's also what that time does. Right. Going back to that shower idea, right. When you're relaxed and when your brain gets time to kind of shut down. Then that's when a lot of the creativity mm-hmm or the ideas that they just kind of like align. Yes. Yeah. Thought.

Yeah, because you're allowing your true self coming through. Mm-hmm , you're not being bombarded with all these other things you need to do. Yeah. To do list. And stuff like that, which can be like, so overwhelming.

Let's talk about why is self care so empowering, um, because it convinces you of worthiness.

You're worthy of this time that you're investing in yourself. And I feel like we do not invest enough in ourselves. And we do not think that we are worthy. You're setting out time. You're carving out time. That's important. Well, it's teaching you to put yourself first, which we have been taught to not put ourselves first.

We've been taught to put ourselves less. So again, this is pushing the concept that you are worthy. You deserve this time. Mm-hmm you can put yourself first for the first time or put yourself. Again, and again, go off the rails and ignore all your responsibilities and stuff like that. But you deserve space and you deserve time for yourself as well.

It's a way to recharge yourself. Mm-hmm rejuvenate, right. You know, again, I'm, I'm such a better person when I take care of myself, right. It improves your physical health, your mental health. Like a lot of times it can be like really hard, even as myself as a therapist to make time for therapy. but it's like, when I do, I find like, I am so much better off mm-hmm, like that I have taken that time and that space to recharge and make that a priority in my life.

Well, and I love when my clients, I have clients that'll show up at seven o'clock in the morning because that's when they can get their right. Right. and I'll offer it. And I think it's great. And I'm, I'm always so impressed that they take the time to take care of themselves. Yeah. And we both do telehealth therapy and stuff too, which.

Good for a lot of, again, I'm gonna say busy, but yeah. Busy people like moms, like professionals, like mm-hmm, that all the time they have is like a lunch break. Like I see a lot of people on lunch breaks or I see them in the car, like in between their own clients. I know. I love it. Yeah. And it's like, or on the go or like a lot of people like live in a smaller town and they don't want people to know they're going to therapy because they're working through that or their feelings about it.

And so it's like, they can. Somebody like us and it can be a privacy thing too. Mm-hmm and, but that's part of their self-care is that they're making that time. Whether it's, you know, like in the cart, not while you're driving. Okay. We will not see you while you're driving. Oh my gosh. I have seen serious rules, right?

My rules. I've got a couple of simple rules. One, you have to wear clothes. I've seen way too much in, in the pandemic. You have to wear clothes. Yeah. I don't care what they are. They just have to be, you know, you have to be covered, covered. Um, there are no drugs, no alcohol, right? No, don't smoke. You can't say bottoms up or have your bong next to you.

Cause that doesn't work. You can do that later for selfcare not now. Not now. Not during therapy. You need to be like present, but, um, right. Um, what else? Um, oh, you can be in your car, but you cannot be in traffic. We are not going to kill chief. Yeah. Don't be letting your Tesla like drive you down like the freeway while you're like in trying to process like some like trauma, like in your life.

Right. And then, I mean, we're laughing, but it's happened, you know, I've seen so many mamas in their closet, right? Yeah. Like I have good internet and I have some quiet now they need to hide out. Yeah. And they're hiding out. Yeah. You know? Oh, my last funny one is we will never be so close that you can go to the bathroom with me, please.

Yeah. If you have to go, that's fine. Even, it makes me laugh too, because part of my cohort and stuff during like my master's program was we had online classes and like our professors had to say, and some of my. Mentors, like you cannot come to class, like without clothes on smoking, drinking, like in your pajamas, like at least like sit up in bed.

There's lots of ways to get access to care and stuff like that while, you know, still being in your families and stuff. I, if it's cold outside, I odds are pretty good that I may still have my jam bottoms on. Oh yeah. Like I have like a heated blanket and stuff too, like that I like will wrap around myself.

I believe in kind of like having like this, you know, Comfortable like environment and like conversation and stuff, cuz so it's not like such like a clinical setting. It is not bad to take time for yourself. Let's say it out loud. Right? It's not bad to take time for yourself. You got this. Right. And you have to create a plan.

Yes. Get a plan together and, and, and see what that looks like. I joked earlier about self-care bingo. I'm serious. No. Yeah. I mean, part of it is make a checklist make, like I said, like a calendar or something, like put that shit down in writing. Yes. What is it you want to do for yourself? And then, you know, each day, what can I do today?

Right. Do I have the time or the ability to take off to go shopping, or maybe it's a walk or right. Whatever it is. And maybe you only have the time or the mental capacity to focus on like one thing. And that's fine. Pick the one thing that you wanna focus on and do that, do it today. Um, I want you guys to tell us what you did to take care of yourself today, either like on our social.

Or our website, um, Randy and Jess podcast, you can find us on IG, Facebook, or our website and leave a comment and tell us what you did today. Empower yourself. 

[00:36:23] Jess: 1, 

[00:36:24] Randi: 2, 3, 4. Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with us. 

[00:36:29] Jess: Don't forget to check out our free resources and favorites on our website, unapologetically Randy and jess.com 

[00:36:35] Randi: like, and share this episode and tune in next week.