Unmasking Anxiety: Women's Hidden Struggles

Ep 7 Anxiety

[00:00:00] Randi: 1, 2, 3, 4, hi friends, it's Randy and Jess, and we're gonna cut the 

[00:00:07] Jess: bullshit and let's get into women's mental health.

[00:00:14] Randi: Anxiety is an as hat. Why women have more anxiety than men and how to get rid of it. Like a boss. 

[00:00:20] Jess: In this episode, we're gonna explore and share why women have more anxiety than men and what you can do about your anxiety. , we are also 

[00:00:27] Randi: going to show you how to reframe your anxiety, why that's important and why it can be so empowering.

So empower. 

[00:00:36] Jess: Breathe bitch breathe bitch. Yes. At the end, we're gonna practice box breathing and other methods to help you breathe. 

[00:00:43] Randi: Yes, because I suck at breathing. So Jessica's going to use me as an example on how to properly breathe. And I will show you how a person who doesn't breathe well. Me right.

Show them how to breathe, breathe, and she's gonna reframe and show me what I should be doing because I do not breathe very well. And it is very helpful when you're having an anxiety attack. It's helpful just to do it like 

[00:01:06] Jess: three 

[00:01:06] Randi: times a day, honestly. Well, yeah, it is. It's good for your brain function.

It's good for your body. Like you do need a lot of oxygen and I'm probably not getting enough oxygen to my. 

[00:01:14] Jess: So, right. And then also wanna let you know, we're gonna be putting this up on YouTube channel, uh, because I want you to actually see how we box breathe. Mm-hmm um, and I wanna be able to show, I can walk you through it, but it really helps being able to actually see 

[00:01:28] Randi: it.

Yeah. See it. And then you can like visualize it. So it's easier for you to do, um, we have a new YouTube channel, Randy and Jess podcast, and you can find us on YouTube. 

[00:01:38] Jess: Absolutely. Okay. We're excited. we are excited. All right. Have you ever thought what if I fail? I'm so nervous that I must be having a heart attack.

[00:01:47] Randi: People are going to laugh at me. If I make a mistake. 

[00:01:51] Jess: This anxiety is going to make me crazy. 

[00:01:54] Randi: what if the world ends tomorrow? 

[00:01:57] Jess: Things aren't gonna work out. They 

[00:01:58] Randi: never work out. Right. And that's the part of anxiety is that we catastrophize like over and over again. Like what if I drive off the road? Like, what if I'm gonna lose my job tomorrow?

Like, what if I have a heart attack because of this? Like it, boom, boom, boom. You're ping ponging all over the place. Like a pinball machine, like ding, ding, ding, ding, over and over again. And it's like, you Don. Where you're gonna end up. So just explain what exactly technically anxiety is from a therapist point of view.

Okay. So 

[00:02:29] Jess: everybody gets anxious or nervous every once in a while, right? Mm-hmm , we've had to do that speech that's normal class. Totally normal, right. Anxiety is when it's kicked up even higher. Right. You're so nervous. You're so anxious. Um, it interferes with your daily life, 

[00:02:46] Randi: right? Yeah. So your ability to function, right?

So it's impeding like your work, your school, your relationships, like, um, things that you do physically. So it's like causing issues for all of those things. That's when you actually have anxiety disorder 

[00:03:00] Jess: or like if you overreact with. We were moving and my husband was helping, I wanna, I wanna do this air quote thing, helping he was helping and what he was doing.

And I was nervous because the movers were coming. Yeah. It was like, I don't know, pandemic time, we're moving in the middle of this. And he took, well, I was already 

[00:03:18] Randi: moving is up on the, uh, scale of like having like a death in the family. Yes. For like stressors and stuff. So, yes. 

[00:03:26] Jess: Yeah. And, and so these movers are coming through and he took all of these little boxes of bandaids that I had.

And dumped him into a gigantic bag. and I flipped out, like I overreacted. I 

[00:03:37] Randi: flipped out. That was like the smallest thing that it 

[00:03:39] Jess: triggered you. It triggered me because I was like, oh my gosh. Now I'm never gonna be able to find that size bandaid that I need. . And I'm the one that has to get the bandaids when the kid is bleeding.

Right. Right. And he was looking at me like, um, like what just happened? What just happened? What are you doing? And eventually. Checked all that and bought new bandaids. Yeah. Cause I was like, I can't even handle this. So it's like, 

[00:03:58] Randi: you couldn't control your response to the situation. Yes. And that's oftentimes happens with anxiety, like boom, like right there.

And then you're like, how did that happen? Where did that come from? Yeah. Like. You already have like all this kind of like anxiousness built up in your body. And then one thing it's like a trip wire, you know, and then it's like, it's all over after that. And so anxiety just fricking plane sucks. Sucks. Yeah.

It can affect you during the day. It can affect your nights. It's like, not like a, there's not like a certain time frame for it to happen. Like it can keep you up at night. Mm-hmm it can, you know, interfere with your daily work focus. So. 

[00:04:37] Jess: Yeah, and it doesn't just go away, like in an hour. It's not like you can take it, you know, a Tylenol and it's gone.

There's so many different types or subtypes of anxiety. And so I think just so we're not here for like five hours talking to you, 

[00:04:49] Randi: right. We just talk about one of them. 

[00:04:51] Jess: We're gonna talk about one, which is the one I see the most, which is just generalized anxiety disorder. Mm-hmm . And that is the extreme and unrealistic, worry and tension, even if there's like nothing to trigger the feelings.

[00:05:03] Randi: Right. Right. You're worrying just about so many different topics too. And it could be anything from like your health work, school, relationships, friendships. There's no way to box it into like one subject. It it's like anything and everything can make you anxious. Right? 

[00:05:20] Jess: It's like that. Like when you play with slime, right.

It just, it goes everywhere. Oh my gosh. Can don't I don't mm-hmm oh, glitter. It's 

[00:05:28] Randi: glitter. It's a glitter T glitter bomb. It's a glitter bomb. It's not like the cool kind it's it's like glitter bombs off on your body. And that's another thing is that it can be so. Debilitating and unhealthy for you physically, too.

Mm-hmm because it's causing, uh, like a physical response in your body too, while you're like worrying about all these things that are like cycling in your mind. You 

[00:05:48] Jess: had said earlier about it going bouncy, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, right. And that's kind of what anxiety does when you have generalized anxiety, everything makes you anxious and you're worried about everything because you just don't know.

What you can control what you can't control and everything feels out of control. So 

[00:06:03] Randi: what are some of the physical, um, side effects of generalized anxiety disorder? 

[00:06:08] Jess: In general, I would say restlessness mm-hmm um, there is like difficulty concentrating. Oh yeah. Um, sleeping problems. Right, right. And I wanna get into some of the actual like symptoms a little bit later.

Right? Like people talk about, um, getting like your hands are sweaty or like I'm hot. Is anybody else hot in here? 

[00:06:26] Randi: Right. Feeling like you're having like a heart attack and things like that. We were talking about, um, earlier, uh, how you had gone to the hospital thinking you were having a heart attack, right?

[00:06:35] Jess: Yeah. I was laughing because I. Early thirties. And here I was, I was like, oh my gosh, something is wrong with my heart. I don't know what's going on. I'm feeling tingly in my legs. I, I think I can't breathe. Mm-hmm I go to the ER and I'm sitting in this like gurney in the hallway forever for them to finally just go, oh, you're having anxiety.

and then they dismissed me. Right. But they didn't explain it. They didn't tell me what it was. They didn't say get help. 

[00:06:58] Randi: Right. That often happens is that you're dismissed as it's just air quoting, you know, anxiety. And it's not just anything mm-hmm, like you are validated and feeling that, and you should always get it checked out if you're unsure, like what's really happening.

And sometimes you need to demand, you know? Yes. Help. And, um, it's okay to do that. It's not less than anything else that is happening to anyone else. If it's happening to you, like it's valid and you should, um, you know, explore that. 

[00:07:29] Jess: I think, because this happened years ago, for me, I'm hoping the world is getting a little bit 

[00:07:34] Randi: better about I don't.

So, but that's okay. I'm still, I'm still hoping you're hopeful. She's the hopeful one, right? I'm the pessimistic one. . 

[00:07:42] Jess: So I wanna also tell people it's not your fault. Right? Like I felt like I went to the hospital that day's silly. Right. But it's not your fault and right. You 

[00:07:50] Randi: feel ashamed almost. Yeah. Like, oh, and I wasted their resources.

I wasted their time. Like my money it's yeah. I wasted my money. Like it's not, you know, really important. No, it is important. And that's what we've talked about too. Like we talked about like, you know, shame and guilt in our previous episodes and. No, get rid of it. No, get rid of it. Let it go. Like you are allowed to explore those feelings and validate them and know that your body is okay.

[00:08:17] Jess: And we go through and really what I work with people is I kind of explore, there's like three kind of areas that we talk about as, as therapists. Right? Um, generally it can be a chemical imbalance in your body. Right. Mm-hmm um, these are hormones. This is, this could be something from a lot of trauma, a lot of, you know, like heightened stress, like, you know, I don't know, like grad school for, you know, two years.

Oh yeah. yeah. That stuff can really get 

[00:08:43] Randi: you right. Childbirth. If you've given. If you've been through like a divorce, if you've had death, childhood trauma and things like that, like these can be all things that we carry in our body and in our minds and that, you know, and it paired with your DNA and your genetic makeup, like it can cause chemical, um, imbalances and that controls, you know, your whole mood.

[00:09:09] Jess: Exactly and with heredity, right? If your mom has anxiety or your dad had anxiety, that's always ask if there's a family history of mental health issues, any anxiety, because it's more likely in the us anxiety is the most common mental health disorder. Hmm. Most common across the entire us. That's 

[00:09:31] Randi: crazy. If you have had like repeated stress over and over and over again for a long period of time.

And then all of a sudden, like you're not stressed, like your body can create like a response that you're stressed because it's used to being in that fight or flight mode all the time. And now all of a sudden you're like, why do I have anxiety? And it's like, well, your body's been and anxiety mode for so long.

Like it's just continuing down that. 

[00:09:56] Jess: And that's why we wanna teach you how to breathe later on mm-hmm so just watch us and stick around to breathe in the us. They're saying it, it affects 40 million Americans. That's crazy. Isn't that crazy? Oh my gosh. In the last two or three years, I'm sure it was probably even 

[00:10:11] Randi: higher than that.

Oh yeah. With everything going on and our world and. Stuff. And especially right now with like the way things are with like food prices, gas prices. Well, overall all, you know, things have gone up and the economy is really hard right now. And it's like, so that is creating more anxiety, more worry, more stressors for people to carry.

So I'm sure like more people than that are having anxiety issues right now. Yeah. I don't, I 

[00:10:37] Jess: don't even think we're done. I don't even think we're done 

[00:10:39] Randi: with. No, this is just like the starting point of it, right? 

[00:10:44] Jess: Yeah, exactly. Even though most anxiety disorders start, like when you're a child mm-hmm or an adolescence, something huge in the world.

Like, I don't know COVID or a recession. Right, 

[00:10:55] Randi: right. Can trigger, can trigger it. Yeah. And bring it to the surface. Like maybe you have learned to kind of like manage it or like push it down or like you are told, oh, maybe like you're just shy or you're just whatever, you know. Right. Maybe it's been downplayed your whole life.

And now you're just realizing what it really is. You're seeing maybe some triggers that are causing it, or like you said, like there's been like a major stressor in your life. And like all of a sudden now it's at the forefront in some ways that's, I mean, it's bad that it's like happening like to you, but it's good.

Now maybe that you have the wherewithal to understand it better and get yourself like the help that you need for it. 

[00:11:32] Jess: And I think most people feel who have anxiety feel that everybody feels like this. Right? They think that this, 

[00:11:37] Randi: well, everybody thought that, yeah, yeah, this is normal. This is normal for me to always be like on edge, like this, and always be worrying and always catastrophizing.

And I was like, oh, No other people don't think that way. no 

[00:11:50] Jess: other people don't do that. Um, I had a friend who we were going to the beach one day and we were just, it was me, her and the kids and like my husband and the dog. And as we're going to the beach, she's bringing the biggest ginormous first aid kit I've ever seen in my life.

You're like, what is happening? I was like, why do you have a duffle bag? Yeah. What is that? And it was her first aid kit, and I was. Oh, okay. We're just going to the beach, right? Like I think I may have had a bandaid on me. I'm not sure. 

[00:12:18] Randi: No, but because 

[00:12:20] Jess: she had had heart problems. Oh, oh right. And she's got, and she's had surgeries for her, so she was anxious.

Yeah. She was anxious. She's like, no, no, we might need. Something from 

[00:12:28] Randi: us. So for her, that was like a support, it was her support bag. It was that she needed, it 

[00:12:33] Jess: was huge. I mean, she had that and she, she brought all sorts of fun stuff. 

[00:12:36] Randi: Well, and I think like a lot of people deal with their anxiety in that way too.

Like creating like bug out bags or like yes, food storage or things like that. Like you, you feel so out of control about certain things. So you do other things to make you feel like you have a little bit more control over the situation. Exactly. 

[00:12:53] Jess: I don't let my car get below a quarter tank anymore. Mm-hmm ever, and it wasn't because anything, I happened to me.

Right. Okay. We talk about, uh, a couple years ago, the paradise fires in California, right? When you've known people or worked with people who have said things like. I had to choose between getting my dog or getting gas. Right. And so I'm like, oh, I used to let my thing go down to empty all the time. I'm like got, sorry, 50 miles.

[00:13:18] Randi: Right. I'm the worst about putting gas in my car. Right. And I like to ride it 50. 

[00:13:22] Jess: Yeah. Yeah. Now mm-hmm mm. Quarter tank. I'm like, no, no, no, no. I need, I need more gas cuz if I have to bug out, I need to make sure I can get my dog and get gas later. Mm. 

[00:13:32] Randi: So, what are some physical, we were kind of talking about that physical symptoms that come alongside with anxiety that I think like a lot of times we don't talk about enough because I think sometimes we think like it's just all internalized, but it can be very external at the same time.

Exactly. 

[00:13:49] Jess: And these are what I call your warning signs. I want people to be able to say, okay, if this is how I'm feeling, I might be feeling anxious. Mm-hmm because by the time we can't breathe or we think we're having a heart attack. Yeah. It might be we've missed all of our body's warning signs. Right.

Because now it's. In like the total fight or flight and freak out 

[00:14:06] Randi: mode. Yeah. Our body in our mind has been trying to tell us, like, we're going down this path. We we're really good at not paying attention to red flags. Like really good. Especially as women, we're just like, oh, what? You know, like I have to do this and I have to do this and I have to do this and you're not listening to your body.

You're not listening to yourself. It comes back again to self care and you're pushing it aside, pushing it aside, pushing it aside. And then it's too. 

[00:14:27] Jess: Right. And that's what happens. So the first one is the being cold and having sweaty hands mm-hmm right. Like if your hands are sweaty or if you're perp sweating more sweating, sorry, sweating, I'm say sweaty, sweat or sweat.

Yeah. If you're sweating more, but yet, you know, it's kind of cold outside mm-hmm or nobody else is hot. 

[00:14:47] Randi: Right. And I find that too, like a lot of times, like I have a lot of medical trauma from childhood and like when I go into the doctor's. I'll get up, like from the chair of the table. And it's like, so sweaty and I'm like, why am I sweating so much?

And then I'm like, oh, because I was anxious, you know? So my body was like hyped 

[00:15:03] Jess: up. The other one is I was sipping here is dry mouth. Mm-hmm having dry mouth. You're like, oh my gosh, I'm so thirsty. Why is my mouth so dry? Mm-hmm 

[00:15:11] Randi: heart palpitations. You feel like your heart's gonna like, just pop outta your chest.

[00:15:15] Jess: Some people feel like they're either gonna throw up or they have like butterflies or like. Their stomach is a 

[00:15:20] Randi: knot. That's definitely like, I used to get that a lot too. Especially as a kid. And it's like hard, cuz you don't know how to like verbalize it between like, but all, you know, how to say is like my stomach hurts and like that's what was my daughter has had major anxiety, um, for a long time.

And like for her, that was it. Like my stomach hurts and like even still now she'll just be like, if it's so I, I can see like if it's something she doesn't really wanna like do or like face, you know, she'll be like, I don't feel good. Like I feel nauseous and it's like, okay, You know, find out like where this is really coming from.

[00:15:52] Jess: Most people are like, yeah, you're right. My stomach hurts. 

[00:15:54] Randi: Right. You're just like attributing it to just the physical side. And not also like the emotional mental side, 

[00:16:00] Jess: mine is muscle tension. Right. As I'm hitting everything, mine is like, my shoulders feel like they're in my ears and everything is just.

Scrunched up. 

[00:16:09] Randi: Yeah. Like you carry all of that, like in your body. And a lot of times, if you've had a lot of trauma, you carry that in your body and a big place too, to carry that is in like your hips and like your lower back and stuff. Mm-hmm, like, we tend to like carry our trauma in those places. And so that can be like a trigger point to like your feeling always like tense or hurt, or like you have knots in your body.

My massage. 

[00:16:31] Jess: Person's always like, man, you are 10. Yeah. You're 10. Oh yeah. and then the final one is, is kind of where everybody goes. Whoa is shortness of breath. Mm-hmm that's the one everybody says, oh, I can't breathe. I can't 

[00:16:44] Randi: breathe. Yeah. It feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest mm-hmm or an asthma attack, right.

Or an asthma attack, or like, Hyperventilating, but like, not really at the same time, like you just feel like can't even like, get a breath in at all. 

[00:16:57] Jess: I wonder how many people out there are like listening to this and freaking out and going. I think I have anxiety right now. this is making me anxious. Oh my God.

Okay. So 

[00:17:06] Randi: we'll also listen to our, uh, podcast about, um, ADHD, because it also and depression, they all go hand in hand and sometimes you have to like rule out one. You can. All of them. You can have one of them, you know, more so than the other. So it's kinda, you know, it can be hard to figure out, but that's why we're breaking this down and talking about it.

Right. 

[00:17:25] Jess: And I always say they're friends, they hang out. So you just have to, 

[00:17:28] Randi: yeah. Sometimes they like to link up and you're like, no, right. 

[00:17:33] Jess: So mentally, those are all physically, right? Mentally. There's also the feelings of, um, panic. Mm-hmm panic, fear uneasiness. Like, I, I don't know what's gonna happen, but something bad is gonna happen tomorrow.

Mm-hmm I know it's gonna happen. 

[00:17:47] Randi: Yeah. You can almost be like frozen. You don't even know like what to do. You're petrified, um, having nightmares and stuff. When I have anxiety and stuff, like I'll have a lot of like, of dreams about like being like chased or like falling off of things, like things that are like outta my control and like stressing me out because there's, you know, stressors in my life that I'm not dealing with 

[00:18:07] Jess: or like repeated flashbacks of the trauma or thoughts.

Uh, this one is why I tell a lot of people, like if you've ever been in a car accident somewhere, Oftentimes driving by that place. Right. Will make you anxious because you're like, I already got in a car accident here. Right, 

[00:18:23] Randi: right. So it could happen again or something, or it's bringing up those, the physical response of like that accident or like the emotional response you had.

Mm-hmm and I think a lot of times what people don't understand too, is when we're having like a trauma response like that, like. Can revert back to that time and space. Mm-hmm , it's like, even if you've done like a lot of work and stuff on it, like sometimes it just takes you back, whether it's like an age that you were at that the emotional state, the physical state, and that can all like come up to the surface.

[00:18:51] Jess: Behavior. This is where it gets mixed up a lot with ADHD. Okay. Or ADHD gets mixed up a lot with anxiety. Right, right. Uh, it's the inability to be still or calm mm-hmm um, sometimes it's those, uh, ritualistic behaviors, not necessarily, you know, obsessive compulsive behaviors, but, you know, it's. Did I turn off the air curling 

[00:19:15] Randi: iron, right.

Did I need to go check it? I turn off the stove. Like, did I wash my hands? Like, did I switch the laundry? Mm-hmm just kind of like, um, intrusive like thoughts or behaviors you feel like I need to go do this before I can move on, you know, but it's not like, as, you know, as intense as OCD, but it's just still like another, like worry or thing, like hanging over you.

[00:19:34] Jess: Right. And half the time it's because our brains. So scattered mm-hmm, not the ADHD, but because we're, we have a lot going on we're pinging ponging, like you were talking about, right. That we're like, I can't remember actually doing that. And so I have to go back and check it now. 

[00:19:48] Randi: Yeah, exactly. Cuz you're so scattered scatterbrained, scattered, like to say like, oh, women are scatterbrained.

Well, this is one of the reasons why, and that kind of leads into why the fuck women? Why do women have more anxiety, um, 

[00:20:02] Jess: than men? Yeah. Women. Almost twice as much anxiety than men do. Yeah. That's crazy. 

[00:20:08] Randi: It's not fair. Yeah. No, it's not. Well, a lot of things about being a woman is not fair. So , we get to carry the brunt of this stuff.

And I think a lot of that has to do with, um, our brain chemistry. Like our body chemistry are different. Yeah. Or hormone. Fluctuate too, as women, like we are, you know, have a menstrual cycle. Like we have, you know, those of us that are older, like have like menopause cycles, like there's or if you're pregnant, like there's like all these different hormone cycles that are constantly fluctuating for us.

You're ovulating. Yes. I, I get triggers with ovulating. I get triggers with, um, actually menstruating, like I, you know, and so it's like, okay, what point in the month? You know, is it, oh yeah. That's why I'm feeling that too. And I also, like I have, um, P C O S and so I've always ha tracked my cycles, but it has helped me with my ADHD and anxiety.

Because I know when to expect that I'm gonna have like a hormone shift and I'm probably gonna have like a harder time, like this week, like managing, you know, my emotions or physical symptoms and like, what do I need to do to either ease that? Or like treat it. 

[00:21:19] Jess: And there's so many different apps that you can actually track that mm-hmm right.

You can old school and calendar. 

[00:21:25] Randi: I use an app. 

[00:21:26] Jess: Yeah. Yeah. Share it with your partner because sometimes they need to know why 

[00:21:31] Randi: you're being a little bit more. Yeah. And I, I did like, I have an app and you can share it with your partner, so they have access to like your calendar. And I'm like, if you think I'm being psycho, um, here you go.

Double check. Like, you know, because it's like a lot of times people. Even when we've been with them for a long time, we expect them to know yes, like our cycle and our patterns. And they just don't because they're on their own cycle, their own patterns, their own thing, you know? So it's like, you're constantly having to communicate like what's happening.

[00:22:03] Jess: And most partners don't want to talk about your period. Right? Most of '

[00:22:06] Randi: em are like, well, a lot of 'em don't like, I'm lucky that I have somebody that that's not an issue with. And in our household, like I've always made it like, you know, it's just part of life. Mm-hmm, , you know, like talking about that with, you know, my daughter and like in front of like her dad and stuff like that, but a lot of people, it does make uncomfortable.

So, but talk about it more, try to make it a more comfortable conversation. It happens at our 

[00:22:29] Jess: dinner time table now. Yeah. Like my tween, she will sit there and describe her flow and she will just go into details. Cause you know, she's like, we need to tell the world and my husband is like sitting there eating Milo, like, oh my God.

[00:22:41] Randi: Okay. Not today. 

[00:22:44] Jess: I don't have to do with this. Right. And he just was like, I, I don't know how y'all have vaginas cuz man, it is way too much. 

[00:22:50] Randi: It is. It's a lot. I'm always like, do you wanna deal with this? And they're like, hell no, no. So yeah. Surge in estrogen and progesterone can cause those disturbing thoughts, those repetitive thoughts, those intrusive thoughts, the, um, obsessive thoughts and the impulses.

And that can be like very debilitating. I remember like when I got pregnant my second time, I was just. F this and like took off towards the beach. Like, I was just like, so irrational and I didn't know what was going on. And I was like, why am I being so, so, so irrational right now. And then I was like, I don't normally act this way around my cycle.

And then I was like, oh my God, I'm pregnant. Like, I was like, oh shit, I'm acting extra bad shit. 

[00:23:38] Jess: Like, well, I think I ran. I was like, I'm gonna, I was pregnant. I was like, I'm running away. I packed my food. I packed my stuff. I went to my mom's house. Yeah. And like she said, that's a normal 

[00:23:49] Randi: don't feel bad. 

[00:23:50] Jess: Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. She was like, honey, now you need to go home to your, your 

[00:23:53] Randi: husband. You were like, no, I don't wanna do 

[00:23:55] Jess: I call him on the way home. And he was like, oh, Hey, glad you're coming home. Da, da. And I was like, he didn't know that I ran away. Right, right. He was just like, no, dude, you're, you're just pregnant.

You're pregnant. So women not only like being pregnant. Right, right. But women have more life stressors. Right. Um, and we are more likely to ruminate to think about 'em over and over and over. Right. Yeah. Most and 

[00:24:17] Randi: that ratchets up the anxiety level. Yeah. Like it's like, you're like, oh, it's okay here. And then you're like, thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about, thinking about it, you know, and then you're like, oh, blowing the top off.

Right. 

[00:24:27] Jess: You know, and I'm not. All women do this, or no women do this. Right? Most men hit things from a very logical versus emotional perspective. Mm-hmm , which is why women kind of ruminate because it's, it's more of the emotional piece of it, 

[00:24:42] Randi: right? Yeah. Well, they wanna be fixers and we wanna kind of like understand things more and then that can also create a cycle too.

Cuz then we're like web MD, like ourselves and that does, that does not help do not do that. When you have anxiety do not, don't do 

[00:24:55] Jess: that. Right. But honestly, I think what I was just talking about, I think it's bullshit. Right. Because I really think this is something that we're taught. Oh yeah. Yeah. We're, we're taught that we can't fix it.

We're taught to think about it or we're taught to take it in or to 

[00:25:08] Randi: suppress it. Yes. Just push it, push it down, like, right. Don't worry about it. Like the whole, like we talked about toxic positivity in another episode, like just push it down, just, you know, be happy, just feel all the good vibes. And it's like, don't worry.

Be happy. Yeah. And it's like, no, like this is a feeling. Try to understand it. Try to get ahold of it. See what you can do to work with it. 

[00:25:30] Jess: And the other, just, this might be a trigger for some, um, mm-hmm women are more likely to be physically, emotionally, sexually abused. Yes. Than men are. I'm not saying men don't have this, but women are typically, they have a higher percentage.

[00:25:46] Randi: Right. So those things happening to us. Are more likely to lead to the development of anxiety disorder and like, yes, a lot of women are sexually abused, molested, and things like that at a young age. I'm sorry if this is triggering. Yes. For most women, um, I would say nine out of 10 women that I personally know have dealt with this, me and myself included.

So you are not alone in that. Like it's triggering me just talking about it, but. We are more likely to be abused and that can lead to 

[00:26:21] Jess: this yes. To anxiety. Yes. Um, and, and that's also why we don't spank children anymore. Mm-hmm right. We, we don't spank children because they're showing that it, it leads to them being higher, higher anxiety as adults.

[00:26:36] Randi: Oh, yeah, a hundred percent. Like I was spanked and I was like, always, I think that kind of led to me, you know, my people pleasing tendencies at first, before, like I broke out of that. Mm-hmm was that, you know, I didn't wanna like get in trouble. I didn't wanna do like the wrong thing. Yeah. I 

[00:26:51] Jess: remember, um, you remember those paddle balls, those paddles with the, the ball, the, yeah.

Yeah. And you just do boom bump. Yeah. My dad would break that off. This is my bio. Dadd break that off. And that's how he would paddle. I remember 

[00:27:03] Randi: that. Well, that's like funny. Have you ever watched that movie? Like days and confused because yeah, in the seventies, like it was big to have those, um, paddles.

Okay. I was in a sorority. We had the paddles. Oh yeah. For like they anyways, cuz they used to actually use them to torment, but now it's just like, they don't do that anymore. There's all these like rules, laws, rules. Yeah. Checks and balances. Stuff to like hazing and stuff, but like, I have a paddle, but like in the seventies they used to drill holes through the paddles because you get more whoop.

Oh yeah. And it's like, so in days and confused, the seniors go after the freshmen with the paddles and they're like scattering, like trying to like get away from them cuz they don't wanna be hit with these paddles. And it's like, that's kind of like what anxiety just comes out of like whoop and like swamps you.

But like we've kind of learned those things. If we have had like. Responses to those things that have happened to us. And, um, kind of talk about like how our brain changes too. Mm-hmm like with abuse. 

[00:28:02] Jess: Well, and I wanna jump back for one second. Okay. I, I wanna jump back that in most states it is illegal to hit a child with something in your hand.

Yeah. When I'm talking about happened, like, you know, we're gonna call it a very long time ago. 

[00:28:16] Randi: Yes. Fortyish years now. Not gonna give our ages. Well, okay. I just did, but yeah, you just age 

[00:28:20] Jess: us, I just age just. Some people still do. And that's a CPS report. Mm-hmm so hitting a child with something in your hands, closed fisted, most states that's a CPS report.

So I just wanna throw that out there. This was a long time ago. Yeah. Yeah. And you're right. It, it changes, you know, sexual abuse, especially sexual abuse will change, um, the way the blood flows into our hippocampus mm-hmm right. Which is it, which is what he helps us do. 

[00:28:48] Randi: Emotional processing. Yeah. We can put a picture up on our blog on, um, Randy and Jess podcast.com to like, You guys can kind of like visualize mm-hmm like the changes in that, because it's like, our brain is so intense.

It's hard to kind of like understand, like I've studied, you know, as a psychotherapist who specializes in trauma, I've studied a lot of brain scans and it's just like so fascinating, but like the general population is not gonna be like into that. So we can kinda show you like what that does to your brain and like how it changes it.

And like, that's something like it's changed your whole brain pattern and the way your. Brain flows. And so you have to be kind to yourself, like now as like an adult, if these things has, have happened to you while your brain has been developing and like now you're battling the way your brain is physically shaped mm-hmm , but that area.

That she's talking about the hippocampus, it involves your emotional processing 

[00:29:44] Jess: and I'm being triggered right now. Just so you know, because I hated that class. Oh man. I hated that class. I mean, like that was like the worst class for me ever. So I'm, I'm so glad Randy likes that. I like that. And she's like, I love it.

I'm like, 

[00:29:58] Randi: she's like, I know here shivering don't show me, uh, yeah, statistical research and, uh, brain, the biology side. She's out. No, I'm out. 

[00:30:06] Jess: She's out, out. I'm out. All right. Now that we've given everybody, including me and Randy, um, a warning sign trigger, and some anxiety yes. And triggered our own self.

Yeah. Um, how do people deal with this? How do we, how do we handle anxiety? I mean, there's a couple ways, right? Oh 

[00:30:20] Randi: yeah. There's a couple of ways you can decide to medicate or you can decide to meditate. Right? I mean, no, there's like more than that, but like, you know, it kind of comes down to that, like how you wanna handle it, you know, if you wanna go like the medication route, if you wanna try natural.

Things first, um, it's really up to you. It's your body. It's your mind. But it's like, if it is like impeding like on your life so much and causing so much functional issues, it's probably time to like, go talk to somebody about it. Talk to your therapist about it and things like that. Right. Talk to your doctor.

[00:30:54] Jess: I know with medications, um, there are three kind mm-hmm and I saw one of 'em really, really lot was, was, was prescribed more this last two years than I've ever seen. Mm that's interesting. So we have anxiety anti-anxiety medications. Mm-hmm right. Those address. You know, more so anxiety, those are more of the, I call 'em the quick fixes mm-hmm right.

They don't give those out as much because those are habit 

[00:31:17] Randi: forming. Yeah. And they don't cure an anxiety. Yeah. It's kind of like a bandaid, like you do need to go in and do like the, what I say, like the back end of work. Yes. Like you need to face the issues that are triggering this to get a control over it.

But this is like something that can kind of like stop, like the Geer that's happening of like your emotions and you can't function while you're learning those skills for yourself. 

[00:31:43] Jess: They try to not prescribe those as much. Right. They would rather you be on an antidepressant mm-hmm , which actually works with both depression 

[00:31:51] Randi: and anxiety.

Right. So if you're having both or like a little of both, that's like, it's like a two for one. Right? Right. So it's like better. Like you're not having to take like double the amount of like a medication and things like that. And then having to worry about those side 

[00:32:02] Jess: effects and they find that.

Antidepressants do address it. And so that is their first, usually their first, if you go medication mm-hmm and the other one that I saw a lot this last couple of years is a beta blocker. Yeah. It's for high blood pressure. Right. You know, or they would do like an antihistamine. 

[00:32:18] Randi: So that kind of helps reduce some of the physical mm-hmm , you know, things that come along with.

Anxiety disorders calms you 

[00:32:26] Jess: a little bit. Yeah. Is what 

[00:32:28] Randi: they found. Yeah. Like, uh, gets you out of that. Rapid heartbeat, shaking, trembling things. Mm-hmm if you have those physical responses, because like, sometimes the physical is so overwhelming and then it causes like the emotional to ratchet up again and again.

And so it's like, if you can almost calm your body down first mm-hmm then it gives you like that breather to be able to deal with like the mental side 

[00:32:48] Jess: of it. Yeah. And you know, I, I will say this doesn't cure everything. I like aroma therapy. Mm-hmm I love essential oils. Um, I don't think they fix it. Yeah.

But I think that having 'em in can sometimes help you breathe better. Yeah. Can help you settle. Like lavender is 

[00:33:05] Randi: great. Yeah. And for some people they don't like sun at all, or it can be like a hard trigger for them. Yeah. So like, Then things like utilizing sometimes sound can be mm-hmm , you know, something like the, or, uh, guided meditation or things like that, or like doing, um, what I specialize in therapy is C B T, which is cognitive behavioral therapy.

She so wants to say, I do wanna say C, B, D I always just always going there. That's another again. So, um, but like, C B T therapy, like you're focusing on the mindfulness, like becoming more aware of your thoughts and your patterns and learning to manage it in your mind. And CBT 

[00:33:43] Jess: is cognitive behavioral therapy.

Mm-hmm uh, and that's what I do as well. Yes. And so with CBT, it is it's, it's becoming aware of, you know, like I talked about the warning signs, knowing what your triggers are, uh, a trigger would be, if you don't like your mother-in-law and she's coming over, well, that's a trigger mm-hmm right. Um, if you're taking a final and you know that you're nervous about it, it's a final, that's a 

[00:34:06] Randi: trigger.

Yeah. Or like you're going to like a family event, you know? It's gonna be there that you've had like issues with in the past. Mm-hmm like, that can be like a huge trigger. And with this, like I was talking about setting the brain and stuff because your brain has been wired a certain way with C B T therapy.

You can teach yourself to rewire your. Brain, basically like your thought patterns. And you can repeat those again and again, and again, to create new pathways in your brain to think about things, which is why I love it so much. Right. 

[00:34:39] Jess: And that's why I love the reframing mm-hmm and, and why it's so powerful.

Cuz what you're doing is the reframing and we're not talking about the lemonade and lemons and toxic 

[00:34:48] Randi: positivity. No. So what the fuck is reframing? Explain that okay. 

[00:34:53] Jess: So reframing is, instead of saying I can't manage. Is saying, this is something that I can manage, especially for looking at anxiety. Right, right.

Not, it is not unmanageable. This is something that I can learn to manage. Yes. And it's taking control of it and being able to say, okay, this is what I can 

[00:35:11] Randi: do with it. Yeah. And breaking it down into pieces that you can like manage, like maybe you can't manage all of it, like at once. No, no, but maybe you can manage this one step, chunk it out and this one piece.

Yeah. Chunk it out. Yeah. Chunk it out, right? Like a, like a puzzle, like just take one. And set it there and focus on that one piece, not all the other ones that are on the table, just worry about the one. Right. And 

[00:35:32] Jess: so the first part is actually looking at how can you change your view on anxiety, right? Yeah.

It's not something you're, it's not a victim. It's not your fault. It's not something it's not something happening to you. It's something that you have. Right. You know, if you say I have anxiety, this is how I do this. and a lot of times I'll have clients have something on their phone that says, I have anxiety.

This is what happens to me when I have anxiety. Mm-hmm , this is what I need. Right. In that way, if I am 

[00:36:01] Randi: not anxiety, like you are not, that is not your personality. I think a lot of times we make it, like I have anxiety. That's my personality. I mean, we jokingly like, yeah, because we overuse it so much, like in social media and like jokingly and things like.

It's just my anxiety. Like, but that is not who you are as a person. It is just part of something that you're going through. 

[00:36:22] Jess: Well, and that's the next piece mm-hmm is normalizing it. Right, right. I'm feeling anxious right now because of this. So this is what I need. Yeah. 

[00:36:31] Randi: And that's okay. It, this is normal.

Like we said 40 million people, probably more than that, because this is all that's been tracked are experiencing this. You are not alone in it. Like this is not something that's abnormal. You don't need to feel 

[00:36:45] Jess: alone. It's no different than being hangry and saying, oh, I, I just, I need food. Right. I'm hangry right now.

And I need to go get something to eat. 

[00:36:53] Randi: Yeah. And then, um, the third piece of that is understanding. It takes time, like practice daily practice to work on those thoughts and like managing your mind and managing your body and calming and centering yourself and grounding yourself. Those are some things.

Lots of tools that you can do for that. 

[00:37:14] Jess: And if you don't practice, when you need to use it, it's like running a marathon. If I tried to run a marathon next week and I hadn't ran, she's laughing, I'm imagining us like, right. I wouldn't even make it out the door. I be liked. I can't even find my shoes. I know we'd 

[00:37:28] Randi: be like, oh, I'm still at the coffee plate, getting coffee.

And the race is over, like meet you there in five . Right. 

[00:37:33] Jess: So, but if. If you're gonna practice for it, right. You decide you're gonna do this iron man. You gotta practice. You're gonna, you're gonna plan and you're gonna practice every day. So that way, when you do do it, it's gonna be hard, but you're going to be ready for it.

Yeah. So, and so that's the same thing when you're, when you practice these things 

[00:37:50] Randi: every day mm-hmm and that helps you take back that control and empower yourself. And so that's why breathing is so important breathing. 

[00:37:59] Jess: Yes. Oh my gosh. 

[00:38:00] Randi: Okay. So that's one of the first steps. All 

[00:38:03] Jess: right. So this is where if you wanna jump on YouTube, I'll put a little, a little marker so 

[00:38:07] Randi: you can see, okay.

I'm gonna be here. Guinea pig. 

[00:38:09] Jess: You are okay. Yeah. So, Randy, I just want you to practice taking a regular breath. Don't do anything. No, no, no, no. Don't oh, no, no. Okay. Don't worry. Don't do anything. Do exactly what you were not take a breath. Oh, that's not too bad. Oh, but that's cuz I think you practiced. I 

[00:38:25] Randi: was thinking like take a deep breath, take a deep breath.

That's 

[00:38:27] Jess: why. Okay. So as women, um, we typically will hunch our shoulders mm-hmm right. Which I do. We all do because if we not, we're putting our boobs out and then we're like, we don't wanna put our boobs out. Right, right. 

[00:38:39] Randi: Unfortunately another way we've been conditioned. Yes, exactly. Good job. Good job. I, I won't go.

I won't go off on that tangent. 

[00:38:46] Jess: So part of this is I want you to sit up. Okay. And I want you to, I'm gonna sit up with you, but I'll probably hit the mic. No. Okay. So I want you to sit up everybody out there. I want you to sit up. If you're driving, please don't do this until later. Yes. Wait. Okay. 

[00:38:59] Randi: So sit up, open up your shoulder.

Oh, should I open up my shoulder? 

[00:39:02] Jess: I actually want you to put your hands on the back of your head. Right. And just, what, what do we call this? I think 

[00:39:08] Randi: I shave my armpits. I know. Thank goodness. OK. And put on Tia. So hands 

[00:39:12] Jess: on the back of your head. Okay. So that way your shoulders are nice and, and, and, and open, open.

Well, like we 

[00:39:16] Randi: used to do this, like in P class and stuff to like open up our lungs and stuff, like after we like ran or like play sports. So you're like opening up your diaphragm. Yeah, exactly. 

[00:39:25] Jess: Exactly. And then when you are ready on your count, I want you to count to four in your head. Okay. I want you to inhale through your nose.

I want you to hold to four and then exhale through your mouth four, but I want it like exaggerated. Okay. Okay. Exaggerated. So just count in your head guys. Ready?

[00:39:50] Randi: Randy, heavy breathing. 

[00:39:52] Jess: Randy, you need, you need to hold it for four though. you're just breathing it too fast. You're going too. Fast's gonna put me on. I am. Okay. So through your nose to four, hold for four. Ex healthier mouth. Do you see how that was different? Yes. How'd that feel 

[00:40:07] Randi: different? It feels like I'm getting oxygen in my body and filling it up, you know?

Yeah. And then it also makes you pause. So it does, it makes you stop and be in the moment. 

[00:40:18] Jess: So that's box breathing. I want you to do that no more than like three times. Cuz otherwise you have too much oxygen and you might get dizzy. 

[00:40:26] Randi: Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. Do it like you. A couple of times, couple of 

[00:40:30] Jess: times, and then take a break if you need to do it again, do it again.

[00:40:34] Randi: Yeah. And even if you're someplace where like, you can't be like all like, Hey yeah. Like, woo, woo. Um, you can just, you know, just sit up tall, like put your shoulders back. Yes. Take those. Nobody needs to know that you're doing it. You know, just out those, you gotta really open up your lungs. Yeah. Hide in the bathroom.

If you need to, if you're at work, you know? Right. Like take those deep. And refocus yourself and that can help ground you in the moment too. And we can, we'll talk about grounding in another episode, but, um, so that is like one step you can take at home to help yourself. 

[00:41:07] Jess: Yeah. Okay. So this what next one is my favorite.

I know I am gonna do it in the studio. I love bubbles. These actually are from my desk. I brought 'em in, um, and they have lavender SCS in 'em. Mm. Do you mind lavender? 

[00:41:21] Randi: No. Okay. She's extra boozy with these bubbles. 

[00:41:24] Jess: I, I made 'em yeah, I made 'em. Okay. So if I gets 

[00:41:27] Randi: and it's cheap, like you can get bubbles for like, you know, for like less than a buck at the dollar store and, you know yeah.

I think these are like target or something. Yeah. And drop some lavender in there off Amazon. It doesn't have to be, you know, it's like a really simple. 

[00:41:41] Jess: So if I, this is hard for them as a podcast to see, but I'm just gonna do it. If I go, nothing comes out of my right. You don't get the 

[00:41:49] Randi: bubbles. Mm-hmm , you're just getting soap.

[00:41:52] Jess: I didn't even, I just like spit all over my leg. It's like on your leg. Right? Okay. So now if I go through and I know this is hard, cuz it's a podcast guys, hang in there and you just. 

[00:42:03] Randi: Oh, now it's now the room is filled with bubbles. Yeah. Now 

[00:42:05] Jess: the room is filled with bubbles and it's, and they're so pretty.

Yeah. But you could hear how I breathe differently. 

[00:42:14] Randi: Yeah. Deeply, slowly. Mm-hmm with intent and purpose. Yes. 

[00:42:19] Jess: And this is something I used to have in my office when I was in office mm-hmm was, I always had bubbles. People always walked away with bubbles. And 

[00:42:26] Randi: this is really good for kids that have anxiety too.

Yes. Because it's not something that is super imposing or like out of the ordinary that you would be blowing bubbles. And so this is a really good calming tool for like children too. If you, a lot of kids have like anxiety and stuff, 

so 

[00:42:43] Jess: right. And you don't even have to tell them to breathe because they know they're not breathing.

Because they can't blow the bubbles. Right. Cause they 

[00:42:48] Randi: want to produce yes, the cool bubbles, the big bubbles and things like that. So they're just like instinctually, like gonna go for that, like us as adults, like we have to kind of like calm ourselves down and be like, okay, like, um, this is not dumb doing this.

Like, and then you actually find like enjoyment in it too, which is, it's another great way for like self-care too. 

[00:43:06] Jess: I used to keep bubbles in the car when I was in traffic. I 

[00:43:09] Randi: used to commute. That's 

[00:43:10] Jess: so stressful. Yeah. When I was at like a dead stop, I would just roll the windows down. Blow bubbles 

[00:43:15] Randi: out the car.

yeah. Instead of like flipping off everybody. Yeah. Like as you're driving down the freeway, that's, that's a much better coping skill. 

[00:43:21] Jess: Just blow bubbles. You know, usually I'm at a dead stop when I was doing it, but, you know, we just always had bubbles in the car. I, I don't even care that it gets soap everywhere, so, no.

Okay. So I'm feeling pretty calm now versus earlier. How about you? 

[00:43:33] Randi: Yeah, I do feel more centered and stuff after like breathing and like finding a little bit of like enjoyment and stuff. Like even after talking about triggering things. So mm-hmm, . Okay, so we made a step forward. 

[00:43:45] Jess: Absolutely. All right. 

[00:43:47] Randi: Thank y'all.

Thank you for guys 

[00:43:48] Jess: for listening and for hanging in with the rest of it, jump on our YouTube. You can see me making fun of Randy and, and making her breathe, 

[00:43:55] Randi: forcing me to breathe, which is sometimes what we need. We need somebody to, to be like, breathe, bitch, breathe. Like we talked about. So, um, and won't talk about more, uh, coping skills that you can use and our other podcasts.

So 

[00:44:06] Jess: listen up. Yeah. And feel free to jump on our website. We'll put some stuff up for you. Yep. And 

[00:44:10] Randi: we'll talk to you next week. See you later. 

[00:44:13] Jess: 1, 

[00:44:13] Randi: 2, 3, 4. Thanks for listening and normalizing mental health with us. 

[00:44:18] Jess: Don't forget to check out our free resources and favorites on our website, unapologetically Randy and jess.com 

[00:44:25] Randi: like, and share this episode and tune in next week.