Boundaries, Surveillance, and Rediscovering My Self-Worth

Transcript

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Karen, hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host.

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Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. Before I start this episode, I just wanted to pose a question to all of you, what situations or circumstances were you able to overcome in your divorce and how did you deal with it? There were some things I wanted to talk about in this episode where I will share what obstacles I had and how I overcame those to the best that I could, knowing that nothing is perfect. I wanted to first address a surveillance issue that came up in my divorce while we were living together.

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There was a Thursday night, I think it was sometime in early.

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It was either late 2021 or early 2022 it was a Thursday night, and my husband was very proud of himself by admitting that there were cameras all over the inside of our house. He had a devious look on his face when he said it, and I had in the back of my mind somebody said that, you know, people with Mal intent tend to tell on themselves, and that was exactly what was happening. He was admitting that he had put up surveillance all over the house as a tactic to make me paranoid that I was being surveilled. Little did he know that I wasn't moved by that, because I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong, so whatever footage he thought he was capturing on me would all be moved anyway. So I had installed a fancy combination lock on my bedroom door, which when my husband contracted COVID. You know, as soon as he was diagnosed, I moved into the guest room, and that's where I stayed. At one point, a friend of mine suggested that I try going back to the marital bed long after he was recovered from COVID, but our sex life had basically been non existent, and it was a big sore spot for me, but I took her advice, and I tried going back to the marital bed, and It was all for naught.

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It didn't work, so I went back to the guest room, and that's where I stayed for the next three years. So I had lived in the guest room for four years in total. I had installed this fancy combination lock on the door. Some people questioned me, like, you know, why are you doing that? What do you have to hide? And it wasn't about that.

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I had nothing to hide. There was nothing in my room, that if he broke into my room, there would be no smoking gun or nothing that was not supposed to be there. For me, it was about setting a boundary, and the boundary was, this is my safe space in the house. You are not allowed in here. My daughter was not allowed in there, and it was my haven. And as chaotic as my room was, because there was no storage anywhere. You could barely walk across the room. The closet was teeny, tiny, and it was basically a bed and a desk and a computer, and that was it.

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So it was my way of saying, this is where I draw the line. It was more of a privacy issue than anything else. It was, you know, I didn't feel safe in the rest of the house with both of them around. And this was my way of saying, This is my safe space, and that's it. You can't come in. That would be a battle over the next three years, because he was constantly trying to get into my room, and then when he didn't get his way, or he was angry, or he was passing my room, he would take his fist and slam my door, like knowing that I was on the inside, jumping out of my skin at the surprise of his doing that there was a lot of just jumpiness on my end, because, look, he was a very nasty person throughout this divorce, which goes beyond just oh, he's hurt. He doesn't want the divorce all of that, he took it to a whole other level, and I just did not feel sorry for him at all. They say that who you are at the end of a relationship is who you've always been. And I saw the most demonic behavior come from him at the end that I must have known was there all along, but it just came out with a vengeance for three straight years when he admitted that there were cameras in the house on a Thursday night, he must have known that I was going to call in a surveillance person to check out the house, but he also knew that I wouldn't be able to get somebody first thing Friday morning. So now it meant waiting the weekend and having someone come on. Marc. Sunday morning. I will never be able to prove this, but I will just say that I trust my intuition and instincts more than any person could ever confirm. But it was Sunday night of that weekend. I was sitting in the den, and directly above the den was my daughter's room, and I heard him because our floors creaked in a certain way, and I knew that he was walking into her bedroom. He opened up her closet door, and again, her closet door made a very distinctive noise every time it opened and closed. And he was in there for maybe 15 seconds, give or take, and then he walked out.

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Now I know that he thought that I would never think that that's what was happening, but as sure as I'm talking to you right now, that is exactly what I believe happened. And I believe he was storing something of surveillance in her closet, believing I would never think to look in there, whether it was previous footage that he had and he was holding it there for whatever purpose he was using it for, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure, and I it's pretty bold of me to say on a podcast going worldwide that I believe that he hid some footage in her closet and removed it when he knew I would be getting a surveillance person in there. I did have a surveillance person come first thing that Monday morning, he swept the entire house and said that everything was clean until he got to my bedroom, because my bedroom and his bedroom shared a wall, and he swept everything, and the wall in between our bedrooms lit up like a Christmas tree. And he said to me, whatever he took down in this house is on the other side of this wall. And he said, you could get into his room and you'll see it all there, I just don't know if it'll be admissible in court. So why would I do that? Then, if it's not going to be admissible, I couldn't do anything. So I just knew and filed in the back of my head that I had the confirmation I needed that he had, in fact been spying on me in the house, in addition to the ring cameras that we had on the outside of the house with three cameras, I know he was watching me. I could tell when he was actually watching me. Nothing like instilling some paranoia in your life than knowing that you're being watched 24/7, but again, I wasn't doing anything wrong. So my conscience was clear. It was just annoying, like I had this thing on my back called surveillance. I had my car swept. That seemed to be clear he was tracking me on my phone at one point before I got smart enough to change all my settings, but he questioned me about being somewhere for lunch or during the day. And how else would he know that, except for the fact that my location services were on so he was able to tell that I was at lunch somewhere. And then, of course, over our Wi Fi network. I know that he's not smart enough to be able to do this, but I'm sure he had help, either from friends or like a Geek Squad type thing, but he was definitely trying to surveil me online also, and again, I had nothing to hide, so my days were spent basically just existing and doing nothing to prove him otherwise. I knew he was watching me now, so I sat in red magazines at the kitchen counter, or I was, you know, I was doing nothing exciting, and he was trying to catch me doing stuff which I wasn't doing. So it was moot, but, and actually, there were a couple of times I could count, maybe, like up to five fingers where I was driving locally and felt like I was being followed again. I can't prove it. I don't know for sure, but I just had that spidey sense that somebody was either following me or watching me or something, but it definitely felt like something. And of course, the song that reminded me of this period of time was somebody's watching me by Rockwell.

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It was like January or February of 2022, it was the first time that I decided to go visit my mom at the cemetery. It was kind of frustrating for me, because she wanted to be cremated and then have her ashes buried. So, you know, it was like, like a double death, in a way. It was a freezing cold day. It was in the low 30s and very windy. I went to where her ashes were buried, and. I just kind of stood there, and in my mind, I was talking to her about the divorce, and it started to kind of like all flood my mind about what it must have been like when she divorced my dad, and everything that she felt. Now here I am in a position where I feel like I'm following suit and talking about how he's using my daughter against me and manipulating her, and these are all things that she accused my dad of doing with my sister and I. So I started to see so many parallels, and I just started crying endlessly.

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It was just it was gut wrenching, it was soul cleansing. It was the kind of crying that like you just feel in the pit of your stomach and the bottoms of your toes, and it just wouldn't stop. And I just remember asking for her forgiveness, because I was always so hard on her when she was alive. I was very angry. I was very detached from her. And it was, I'm starting to see all the parallels now, and, you know, asking for her forgiveness and and hoping that she's hearing me and, and this was kind of, I mean, I always believed in spirituality, and I always believed in people who have passed on but their spirit is still around us. I always believed that, but I hadn't yet reached a new level of my spiritual awakening, which I'll go into later. But it was a very profound experience. Every time I asked for some kind of sign or confirmation that she heard me, I would see and hear like gaggles of birds, just like grouped together and like circling over my head and then flying away. And, you know, I totally believe in all of those signs, and I got the confirmation I needed that she heard me, that she was aware, that she was with me at the time. And you know, as as hard as that was to be, that raw, I felt comfort from her at the same time. So it was a very cleansing experience for me, and I think I was there just under an hour, so freezing my butt off, crying hysterically, it was a pivotal moment. I really felt like I got some kind of clarity and some kind of resolution to some things, and a new understanding that she was with me, and I felt comfort in that.

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One of the things that came up that really irked me on so many levels, was that my husband was using our dog to strategize with my daughter. I used to call them their strategy walks when they would plot against me and stuff like that. So, you know, it's funny, my my husband, never wanted our dog. He was very clear that when he said he was ready for us to get the dog, he wanted no part of it. He didn't want any responsibility for it, like leave him out of it was basically what it was. And then at some point during the divorce, he decided that he was going to start walking the dog every night with my daughter, you know, best buds, all of a sudden, which made it that much clearer that there was a purpose to this. He wasn't just walking hard to give her exercise. It was an excuse for them to go and walk and plan against me. And I would always tell because they would leave in one energy and they would come back in another.

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And it was just so obvious when they would come back laughing and giggling. And it was just very obvious to me. There was this one time where they left with the dog and I was leaving to go out for a few hours. I called my daughter, I said that I was leaving, and I asked her if he had his house keys, because I was locking the door and turning the alarm on, and I wanted to make sure that they had a way to get back in. And so she I heard her asking him, do you have your house keys? And I heard him say yes, and that was that. So I said, Okay, I'm leaving, and I'll see you later.

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So I had driven to my parents house, and it was just crazy to me, because at the exact moment that I pulled into their driveway, and they're at least 20 minutes away, depending on traffic, but I the second I pulled into my driveway, I got another call from her, basically saying he forgot his house keys.

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He doesn't have them, and I need to come home to let them in.

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This is one of so many times that he would sabotage me and play. Games with me and mess with my head and gaslight me and all this stuff, because I knew that he had his keys with him, but I couldn't not go home and let them in, because what if, really and truly, he didn't, I mean, truthfully, he could have gotten in through the garage, you know, I don't know. What if the inside door was locked and he didn't have keys. I don't know. I was trapped. Now I have to go home and let them in, because how do I leave my daughter out in the cold? How do I leave my dog out in the cold?

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So I tried to rush home, and I was now sitting in rush hour traffic to get there, and as soon as I pulled up into my driveway, there they are, and I let that, I let her in, and I turned to him, and I said, the next time this happens, I am not coming home, so please make sure that you have your keys on you at all times, because this will not happen again. And I turned around, I got back in my car, and I left again. This happened once, when I was not set to pick up my daughter from school. One day, he was going to pick her up, and then all of a sudden, his train was late, and he was stuck on the train, and the two of them decided that I was always supposed to pick her up.

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And it was, you know, that whole messing with my head kind of thing that they thrived on both of them, and it was just, it was two against one. That was it. I wanted the divorce. They were angry at me. They didn't want it. Blah, blah, blah, and now this was how they were gonna retaliate. So imagine you're going through your life and your kid is telling you one thing and your ex is telling you another, and it was a shit storm. Every single time they did this, it was a total shit storm. By the way, if you like what you're hearing so far, please follow comment, share, ask questions. I would love to hear from you, and please subscribe. He always acted a certain way in front of my daughter than he did with me when she wasn't around. The person that he was in front of her was the perfect parent. He was trying to be amicable. He was trying to work together. He was trying to show her that he wasn't the problem, but behind closed doors, or when she wasn't home, or when she was busy with something else and couldn't hear he was he was horrid to me. He was so disrespectful, he was so condescending and critical.

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However he was during the marriage. It was just amplified that much more, and it was just disgusting behavior, like, I'm still the mother of your child, you know, and I can't even put into words how disgusting he treated me. There was so much verbal and mental and emotional abuse that went on relentlessly at every twist and turn, and no matter who wants the divorce, the other person doesn't. I mean, there's no excuse for treating another human being that way, especially someone you claim to have loved and claimed to have you know wanted to have a child with. So when I talk in previous episodes about how he made me irrelevant and invisible and insignificant to my daughter, this is why he had a vengeance against me from minute one, and I will tell you honestly that the reason for this vengeance against me was because everything was about the image that he portrayed to everybody else, and everybody else saw the great guy that he portrayed himself to be. And I used to always say to him, you're, you're everyone's best friend. You would take the shirt off your back for anyone you snow blow the neighbors driveways, you, you know, help out with whoever needs something. And I said, Why can't I be married to that guy?

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Because that's not the guy I get. And he knows that I have the goods on him, because I got very different treatment than anybody else did. And it's, it's interesting, because my ex sister in law used to always say that he found his Cinderella when he met me, and I'm pretty sure that she meant glass slipper Cinderella, but I assure you it was, it was slave Cinderella. And you can't be that mean, I mean, really mean to another person, unless you feel threatened by them, and he feels threatened by me, because he knows that I have the goods on him, and I can reveal whatever I want about him, but that's not my intention here.

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And as angry as I ever was towards him, as hurt as I ever was about him, I mean, I'm trying to turn all of this for good, for all of the the hard things that happened. I'm trying to turn this for good to help other people who I know are going through this, and if I can share anything about my experience and my truth and what happened to me, to help.

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Somebody else. That's all I care about. If I help one person, then it's worth it all. I believe I have a big, big audience out there, because I hear stories and I and I have something to share, and I think it will be very valuable to a lot of people. It's very frustrating, because I used to be very close, very, very close with his family for whatever story he sold to them about me.

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You know, look, I understand they need to back him. They need to support him. They need to be loyal to him. I totally understand that, but I have to believe deep down inside, they know who I am. They know my character, they know what I stand for, and I can't imagine that they truly believe whatever lies he sold them about me. But that's neither here nor there. I mean, you know, when you divorce someone, you divorce their family to I keep saying that we'll always be connected through my daughter, but I recognize that our relationship can't be the same, and I'm okay with that only because I needed to separate from him, physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it. And I know a lot of what I say in this podcast will be hard for any of them to hear if they choose to hear it, but I will keep saying this is my truth, my experience.

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Nobody ever knows what goes on behind closed doors or what somebody else is living through.

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But I assure you, anything that happened in the walls of our house is something that he never, ever, ever would have revealed to anyone outside of that house, and if they truly dug deep within themselves to consider the kind of person he is, maybe they would reach that conclusion too. Not likely, though, because he never revealed it to anyone but me.

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One of my ex friends came over kind of early in the divorce process, and she, you know, we sat outside talking and stuff, and she basically introduced me to Dr Ramani, who is the leading expert on narcissism. And I had never really discussed anything about narcissism in terms of my ex husband, but she was linking the two and basically saying, you know, he's a narcissist, right? And I wasn't really thinking in those terms at that point. But, you know, she sent me some YouTube videos, and I was researching and learning what Dr Romney had to say about it. And I mean, he really did fit the profile. He checked every single box. The only thing I wasn't 100% sure about is the cheating part, whether he did or didn't, I'll never know. I don't believe he did cheat on me, but, you know, again, I don't know.

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So what I found was, was this, and I'd like to read it, it says narcissists aren't soul mates.

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They are predators in disguise.

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And understanding this is crucial to your healing. The person you saw at the end of the relationship is who they truly are. Their true nature was hidden behind a facade of charm, charisma and manipulation. They lured you in with false promises, fake emotions and a convincing act, but underneath it all, they were feeding off of your emotional energy, chipping away at your self worth and eroding your sense of self. What you experienced wasn't love. It was a toxic cycle of abuse where each day felt like a battle for survival. Their gaslighting, emotional blackmail and constant criticism weren't signs of affection. They were tools of control and domination. Their infidelity deceit and lack of empathy weren't mere mistakes.

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They were deliberate acts to exploit your vulnerabilities.

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You didn't lose a loved one, you escaped a toxic nightmare. You broke free from a cycle of abuse that takes incredible courage, strength and resilience.

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Narcissists are incapable of genuine love. They only mimic it to get what they want. To heal.

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You must accept the truth. You were not loved, you were used.

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You were a source of supply, a means to an end, and a pawn in their manipulative game, but now you are free to rediscover yourself, embrace true love and live a life filled with purpose, joy and authenticity. You deserve real love, genuine connection and healthy relationships. You deserve to be seen, heard and understood. You deserve to be valued, respected and cherished. Never settle for anything less. You are worthy of love, and it will find you when you least expect it. I mean, I fell on this, but it says it perfectly. And you know what I've been saying all along? I deserve love. I'm worthy of love. I deserve better and and this explains it so much better than than I did. Please join me every Thursday for a new episode. I invite you to comment, like, share, subscribe.

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You can reach me at the music of life, five, five@gmail.com with any questions or stories or experiences or anything that you want to share with me, I'd be happy to talk about it on another episode. I appreciate your listening, and if you're enjoying this, please go to the music of life.com and check out anything new you

Boundaries, Surveillance, and Rediscovering My Self-Worth

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