Coping with Emotional Disconnect

Transcript

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Karen, hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host.

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Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. This episode is going to be somewhat of a slippery slope. I don't know if my daughter is going to be listening to this podcast or not, but there's an element to my marriage that I felt the need to share primarily about our sex life, and I won't go into details about things, but just to give an idea of what the dynamic was between us regarding sex, throughout my marriage, there was a definite Space Between Us where I felt that he withheld sex, love and affection. It was something that I was constantly begging for. It was constantly asking for physical touch in some way. It was never him reaching for my hand if we're walking down the street. It was never him coming home and giving me a hug that was, you know, unsolicited, or sitting next to each other on the couch and just kind of cuddling or snuggling like that never happened throughout our entire marriage. He did not like physical touch. He did not like to be snuggled up to somebody.

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He was very I need my space. You know, we'd walk down the street and he'd be 20 to 50 feet ahead of me. We never walked side by side. It was really uncomfortable for me to be that disconnected from my husband.

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And you know, he would say, I love you. Did he mean it? Maybe in some way or some capacity, he did, but it was never loved the way I understood it to be, and that was a struggle throughout our marriage, but as things were getting worse between us, primarily around COVID and lockdown and all of that, I always used to say that too much together time is not good for us, and this really brought it out. I mean, anybody could say that during the lockdown, you know, people were either getting closer and making babies or they were getting divorced. We know which trajectory ours took, but it was very stressful and uncomfortable for me, because I've always been a sexual person, and I've always wanted that kind of connection and intimacy and bond and all of that, and it was always a struggle. And so especially during the lockdown, I was ordering some toys off of Amazon, and he would be opening up packages and saying, What are you doing? And I would simply say to him, everything you're not. I mean, what was the alternative? I had needs. I had desires. He wasn't fulfilling them. I wasn't going to go outside the marriage to fulfill that. So what was I left to? I wasn't going to deprive myself of that. I mean, that's not fair. So I know this is kind of a backwards kind of issue, where usually it's the wife that shuts down and it's the husband who is, you know, begging for sex.

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But this was where we were at throughout most of our marriage.

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This was yet another way that he Dishonored me and disrespected me and made me feel like I shouldn't be bothering him with this. And so he was going to show me so at the time that I moved into the guest room, which was now four years ago, and I had mentioned in an earlier episode that a friend had convinced me to go back to the marital bed and give it another try. So I did, and I was literally in the bed wearing nothing but a lace thong, and it literally took my husband three days or three nights actually, to figure out that I was lying there naked in a lace thong, like what, what man would be turning that away and what man would not be interested that their wife is screaming for attention, sexual Attention, after he figured out three nights later that this is what I was here for. You know, let's go. He spent the next couple of weeks, I would say, maybe up to two weeks. And he would, you know, our sleep schedules were totally backwards. He got up early to go to work. He was up by like, four, and he'd be out of the house by five, and being a stay at home mom, there was no reason for me to be up that early, other than that was the only time that we had to be intimate with each other. So for about a week and a half to two weeks during this time, he would wake up, and I don't know. One, 132, somewhere around there, and we would have these sessions that were not sex. They never ended in sex. He would be affectionate. He would be physically touching me and caressing me and arousing me.

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And then he would just leave me hanging so there was no pleasure here. There was just frustration. It was a way to control me and dominate me and not give me what I wanted. You know, many people would define this as sexual abuse if it were the other way around, and I was getting him aroused, and not bringing him the pleasure he sought, there would be a bigger problem. So there was one time during this time where he got up to go to the bathroom. After spending like two hours getting me aroused, I took out one of my toys, and I finished the job, and I wasn't quiet, and he poked his head out of the bathroom door, and he said in a really nasty tone, really. And I said, really. And that was all the communication we had about it.

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It was pretty clear that was not okay for him, and it was pretty clear that that's what I needed.

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So right after that was when I went back to the guest room, and I never left. It was very apparent to me during this time how much he needed to control the situation, and as I learned more about covert narcissist, which is the category of narcissist that I believe he is in. I found something from Dr David E Clark, PhD, who is also an expert in narcissism, and this is what he said, Why do they act so nice in front of everyone else and then so cruel to you? That's a narcissist. Two Faced. I was going to say jerk, but they are much worse than that. There's an evil component to this. That's why everybody is so shocked when people do horrible things and the neighbors say, I can't believe it, Bob was the nicest guy in the world. They don't live with Bob. They are clueless. Wonders.

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You live with Bob for a week, you'll see. You won't be too surprised. He's done this terrible thing. But they will fool people. They are masters.

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You who live with them, you're not going to be fooled. You can get caught up in CO dependency, but you know what's going on, and you have to get the hell away from it. There's a resounding common thread here with professionals who know all about narcissism. It was very eye opening to start learning about this, because this is exactly the type of person I'm dealing with. I overheard somebody say that pain will leave after you split in time and healing, but it will always be there if you stay, and that's absolutely true, and I think that plays into why it took me so long to divorce him, because it was a painful marriage. It was a painful existence within that it was nothing like what I had thought our marriage would be, and I wanted the pain to stop. We had a one sided relationship where I expressed love, I expressed communication, I expressed affection, and I was met with nothing but stonewalling every time, once I served him in August of 2021 my attorney told me that I was allowed to date at that point.

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So she said, it's not considered illegal. It's not considered cheating. You know, I was allowed to date. However, upon thinking about this, when is the right time for me to date? When is it okay for me? I wasn't okay with meeting somebody, I mean, besides the fact that it had been 26 or 27 years since I'd been out on a date with anyone other than my husband, but now you know, I'm filing for divorce and and I have my daughter to consider. Things were so chaotic as it was that I didn't want to add another layer to it. With my dating. I was doing research on my own. I was watching some YouTube videos or whatever, and I came across a bunch of dating coaches and sex experts, and I just wanted to kind of know what was going on out there since, you know, I've been married all these years. I wasn't looking to meet anybody, but I was definitely interested in knowing, like, what's new and and what's going on in the dating world and all that. So I spent a lot of time and a lot of energy just watching YouTube videos and. Reading articles.

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And I just wanted to get a lay of the landscape and see, you know, who am I going to be when I'm ready to date?

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Who do I want to be? And you know how, how is this all going to unfold? I wanted to gain more knowledge. More than anything, it wasn't so much that I was anxious to get out there and start dating, although a lot of my friends were telling me, you know, there's no reason not to, and I just kept coming back to that I did not want to bring more chaos into an already chaotic divorce. It was very important to me not to meet people in person, but I did start chatting with people online, and at some point, I did get onto Tinder, and I just kind of wanted to see what it was all about. And I had, you know, guy friends who kind of like, pointed out who the cheaters were and the scammers and the cat fishers and all that stuff.

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I mean, this was brand new to me, so I just wanted to educate myself, being that I was not having sex with my husband for so long, you know, I was very intrigued by what I was learning from these sex experts. That was very eye opening and liberating, considering that it had been so long since I enjoyed sex, I was looking forward to whenever the time came when it would be appropriate for me to do that.

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So between learning all these dating strategies and learning about men and women and I mean, the last time I read anything about men and women in relationships. It was men are from Mars and women are from from Venus, and that was so many years ago. Like decades, I was interested to see what was new and exciting and dating and sex and all of that. Please join me every Thursday for a new episode, I invite you to comment, like, share, subscribe.

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You can reach me at the music of life five, five@gmail.com with any questions or stories or experiences or anything that you want to share with me, I'd be happy to talk about it on another episode. I appreciate your listening, and if you're enjoying this, please go to the music of life.com and check out anything new you

Coping with Emotional Disconnect

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